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Am I Being Selfish And Inconsiderate?

Posted by moosemalibu, 23 December 2013 · 1,344 views

So... a little background about my personal life. I live with my boyfriend in a rented house and we split bills and rent 50/50. We've been together for over a year now and he is, in my eyes, 'the one.' I've had several failed relationships and would like to think I have finally figured out what I want from a partner in my 10 years of dating experience.

Back to the topic at hand. I am Celiac. I was diagnosed in August through October. My boyfriend has given me his unwavering support through everything. Through the crazy mood swings, exhaustion, transition to a gluten free household. The irrational anger, the crazy bouts of crying (still randomly cry at the drop of a hat-- I was not like this prior to diagnosis).

However due to symptoms on Saturday I was unable to go out to the movies in the morning with him and his best friend. I was reluctant to schedule the movie for the morning show because of my GI symptom 'routine.' I got hit just like I predicted and they went on and watched the movie without me. It really disappointed me that they chose not to reschedule for later in the day...

Same day.. Boyfriends company Christmas dinner. We had discussed it weeks prior and both decided that I wouldn't go because I was sick of bringing my own food and explaining to others why I couldn't/wouldn't eat food. But... we thought it was a formal dinner. The week of the event he told me it was buffet style and that his friend said it wouldn't be obvious if I didn't eat. Great. So I could go now and not be all inconspicuous. But he told me he didn't really want to go himself and didn't want to force me to go. I was kind of looking forward to meeting his coworkers he talks about and spending time with him.

But he decided not to bring me. It made me super sad. I was bawling all night.

I realize that my disease is not the end of the world. But it is something I HAVE to deal with. But he, on the other hand, does not. It's an adjustment period for him too. He's taken on a lot without batting an eye or complaining once. Was this his way of telling me he is sick of my Celiac BS? We discussed it (and I truly mean a discussion, not a fight, not a rant, no crying) and he said he truly thought he was sparing me the trouble. He felt horrible about it once he realized how it affected me. But am I being selfish? Do I need to be more considerate? My coworker thinks that I need to be a better girlfriend and offer a shared household versus gluten free and that I need to cater to him and his dietary wants. But he and I share only 1 meal together and he has never said anything.... But will he resent me later?? Will it build up and cause problems??

Am I thinking too much?

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I think friends/family/partners who get a good understanding of how to handle adapting to Coeliac diagnosis and lifestyle go through a bit of a honeymoon phase... I think people who really care about us are determined to keep us safe and do everything they can to achieve this, probably expending a lot of time and energy on it which is probably a bit draining after a few months, so the 'sugar coating' of dealing with it all wears off. They still keep us safe but it gets a bit rougher around the edges. 
I think it's really good that you had a proper discussion about it, that bodes really well for you reaching a happy system for you both. If you can communicate I'm sure that's half the battle. Without meaning to be rude about your co-worker, unless s/he knows for sure that your boyfriend wants a shared household I wouldn't worry about it - you can communicate so focus on what he actually says to you, not what other people think he might be thinking ;) 
Maybe you could use this experience to set some guidelines for next time - if you are invited out to a buffet he can assume you'll attend (obviously without eating) which might save the added stress of discussing every buffet invitation? 

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(1)  My coworker thinks that I need to be a better girlfriend and offer a shared household versus gluten free and that I need to cater to him and his dietary wants. But he and I share only 1 meal together and he has never said anything.

 

My thoughts?

Is your co-worker a celiac? if not, she has no clue.

 

If your BF is not worried about the shared household, then do NOT listen to other people,

 

 

(2) he said he truly thought he was sparing me the trouble. He felt horrible about it once he realized how it affected me. But am I being selfish? 

 

Sure sounds as if he meant it. He feels bad, so let it go. :) 

 

You are not selfish.!!!

 

You guys are still working through this and I think you are both doing as best as you can.

If I can help in any way, PM me.

hugs, IH

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Thank you  both for your replies.

It made me feel a lot better about the situation.

 

I discussed it further with my boyfriend and he did say this: 'when and if you have a normal GI for 3 months straight - we can discuss a shared kitchen - but honestly, it does not bother me one bit that we live gluten free in this house. I just want you to be healthy and happy.'

 

Made me very happy. I think my coworker just really got to me and I started to worry needlessly. I think this condition makes me uber paranoid. I didn't use to fall to pieces at the drop of a hat but it seems that way these days. I pull it together but I get kinda weepy a lot.

 

hugs to you both.

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You probably should have made it clear to him up fron that you did want to go because he likely thought that you didn't. In any case he needed to go (office politics, etc.), so he did the right thing by going, but it's too bad you were not able to join him. I personally don't think it would have been a big deal for you to have eaten beforehand, and then gone to the party and not eaten there (most office party food is not so great anyway). 

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To answer the initial question: No.  When you have special needs, the people who are closest to you should be accommodating and when they do, it is hard to feel like you are not being selfish.  On the other hand, this coming from a married woman.... men cannot read our minds.  A lot of times you will have an extreme emotion and not share it at all because you don't want to be a drama queen, but he will have no clue.  Haha.  So sometimes those in-depth conversations are needed.  And the fact that you guys were able to do that without it being a big fluff is a very good sign! :)  

 

I also try to make sure my husband gets a chance to go out and eat every once in a while with friends,  without me, so he can have a break from the craziness.  That kind of goes along with letting each other do your own thing sometimes.  I will also do things like make myself a gluten free pizza with lots of veggies he hates, and order him a small dominos pizza with meat and stuff, or go pick him up wing stop.  He eats it on paper plates and any leftovers go in a ziploc inside a grocery bag and are taken to work to let him drop his gluten crumbs there.  So if you want to readjust your shared percentage in the future, that can be a good way to do it.
 

But my ending thought on this is... I am impressed by the way your boyfriend has been treating you :)  A more happy medium will be found in the future, you are already on your way there.  I am one year in now, and it feels a lot more natural to both of us.  Now my hubby even reads labels and will watch out for me, he has my back!

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To answer the initial question: No.  When you have special needs, the people who are closest to you should be accommodating and when they do, it is hard to feel like you are not being selfish.  On the other hand, this coming from a married woman.... men cannot read our minds.  A lot of times you will have an extreme emotion and not share it at all because you don't want to be a drama queen, but he will have no clue.  Haha.  So sometimes those in-depth conversations are needed.  And the fact that you guys were able to do that without it being a big fluff is a very good sign! :)

 

I also try to make sure my husband gets a chance to go out and eat every once in a while with friends,  without me, so he can have a break from the craziness.  That kind of goes along with letting each other do your own thing sometimes.  I will also do things like make myself a gluten free pizza with lots of veggies he hates, and order him a small dominos pizza with meat and stuff, or go pick him up wing stop.  He eats it on paper plates and any leftovers go in a ziploc inside a grocery bag and are taken to work to let him drop his gluten crumbs there.  So if you want to readjust your shared percentage in the future, that can be a good way to do it.
 

But my ending thought on this is... I am impressed by the way your boyfriend has been treating you :)  A more happy medium will be found in the future, you are already on your way there.  I am one year in now, and it feels a lot more natural to both of us.  Now my hubby even reads labels and will watch out for me, he has my back!

Thanks Laura! I think you are right about letting your guy go out and eat at restaurants with friends. My boyfriend goes almost every Thursday for a boys dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. He gets to see his friends and eat outside the house. Sometimes when we are out shopping I'll tell him to go grab a burrito from our old favorite mexican restaurant. He eats it while I shop! LOL. Funny thing about pizza is he'll eat the gluten free pizza with me that we order from our safe pizza place in town. He doesn't mind it at all! He could get a regular one but he chooses to eat the gluten free one. I think it speaks volumes.

 

And he's a great guy...  I pretty much want to spend my life with him. I've decided that in the past few months. He's been wonderful. And our personalities are very well suited. :)

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You probably should have made it clear to him up fron that you did want to go because he likely thought that you didn't. In any case he needed to go (office politics, etc.), so he did the right thing by going, but it's too bad you were not able to join him. I personally don't think it would have been a big deal for you to have eaten beforehand, and then gone to the party and not eaten there (most office party food is not so great anyway). 

 

Yeah... you are probably right. We learned a lot from this experience.

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Yeah... you are probably right. We learned a lot from this experience.

 And that is the key to a successful relationship. He does sound amazing btw. It's hard enough for random people to be kind when your explaining your diagnosis, or even family or long term friends or some spouses (so I have heard of on the forums)..so for a boyfirend to be that awesome..big kudos!

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Wow, that must be a very difficult situation to deal with. I can see why my girlfriend is so skeptical about making the shift to Gluten-Free, she's trying to avoid all this but not with me, with everyone else in her life and everywhere she likes to go eat. She says she doesn't have Celiac but then again she's never had an endoscopy exam done. And some of the symptoms she has lead more towards IBS. Aside from all that, I've been made aware of some information that tells me going Gluten-Free might help her immensely with her current problems.

I want to congratulate you on being so brave. What I've decided is to go Gluten Free myself. We are a long distance relationship so I can't get her to be on board at the same time but now this puts the pressure on me because when we see each other and go out, the one who's going to be complaining about the gluten in food will be me instead of her. ;-)

For the record I don't think you're being selfish at all. There are always different ways to handle situations like these and I think you two are doing a pretty good job at it. Like @Salax said, it's not an easy thing and not often do you find ppl that are willing to work together on this for the sake of the relationship. 

Considering the you've mentioned he'll eat your Gluten-Free pizza I think he's being very understanding but if you want him to be really convinced of the reason why Gluten-Free is the way to go. I have a video in my library I can share with you where a doctor explains in detail why Gluten is so bad, even for people who do not have a Gluten Intolerance like me and him.

Good luck with everything.

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 And that is the key to a successful relationship. He does sound amazing btw. It's hard enough for random people to be kind when your explaining your diagnosis, or even family or long term friends or some spouses (so I have heard of on the forums)..so for a boyfirend to be that awesome..big kudos!

Yes... I am very lucky that he is so understanding. He told me that he actually can feel a difference when he eats exclusively gluten free on the weekends when he's home with me versus the weekdays when he eats a gluten lunch. He says it sits in his stomach like a rock. However, it could also be that we eat very healthy at home, too. Very little processed food if at all and of course I make everything. :)

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My wonderful hubs went gluten-free with me (of his own accord) about 2 weeks after my DX. Having worked in labs, he said he felt the CC issue was just too big a risk for me and honestly, I was very very ill and could barely make my own food, much less pay attention to separate condiments, etc. I am a bit of a gourmet cook and believe me, we eat well! Gluten is not really a necessary food protein at all. lol

 

My hubs is as healthy as it gets.  He says  he never misses gluten foods. I have told him "eat what you want outside the house, hon!" but he just doesn't care that much.

We eat very healthy meals and we splurge on goodies sometimes too.

OH, one thing he does indulge in: Guinness on St, Pat's.... can't say as I blame him! lol

 

We have both gone Paleo the past 6 weeks and feel even better.;) My muscles were in rough shape and I think this is helping me at the gym, less pain, etc.

 

Your guy sounds much like mine---putting my health above all else--and I think you already know this, but he sounds like a "keeper", Jamie! 

xx G

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My wonderful hubs went gluten-free with me (of his own accord) about 2 weeks after my DX. Having worked in labs, he said he felt the CC issue was just too big a risk for me and honestly, I was very very ill and could barely make my own food, much less pay attention to separate condiments, etc. I am a bit of a gourmet cook and believe me, we eat well! Gluten is not really a necessary food protein at all. lol

 

My hubs is as healthy as it gets.  He says  he never misses gluten foods. I have told him "eat what you want outside the house, hon!" but he just doesn't care that much.

We eat very healthy meals and we splurge on goodies sometimes too.

OH, one thing he does indulge in: Guinness on St, Pat's.... can't say as I blame him! lol

 

We have both gone Paleo the past 6 weeks and feel even better. ;) My muscles were in rough shape and I think this is helping me at the gym, less pain, etc.

 

Your guy sounds much like mine---putting my health above all else--and I think you already know this, but he sounds like a "keeper", Jamie! 

xx G

Your hubs does sound amazing, indeed. I hope to make mine permanent, too. ;) I am convinced that he is the one for me, just as you said.

 

Neither me or my man are big drinkers... never got the appeal of beer. I'm very glad  for that so I don't miss it now! I do love  a good margarita on the rocks, though. Or a nice sipping tequila with the very occasional cigar (I don't smoke... just like cigars on the rarity)

 

What recipes are you using with the Paleo diet? Do you have a favorite you could share? I am always up for trying new recipes! I think I would miss eating rice but other than that I could probably do paleo. I love hearing about people tearing it up in the gym!! If Paleo made it easier for me to get stronger I'd sign up today and never look back.

 

Thanks always and hugs!

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I miss risotto a little bit, but I make cauliflower rice and "zoodles" (zucchini noodles) and that keeps me interested enough to stick with it for a while.

 

I enjoy Danielle Walkers's site Against All Grains (and I have her book) Her story about healing from Ulcerative Colitis--just by following  a paleo diet after all the meds in the world were just not working-- is just mind blowing. Take a look

 

http://www.againstallgrain.com/

 

Also, Elana's Pantry has some seriously good eats as well.

 

I have had chronic pain since the 90's and this is the first time I can honestly say I am not wincing when I walk or exercise. This improvement is probably a combo of being gluten-free 3 years, exercising to lube the joints, the warm weather (we just moved to Florida) and dumping the grains and dairy (although I have recently added in some fresh cheeses (not aged, because I also have a histamine intolerance--if it's not one thing, it's another :)  ).

 

Hope you find her recipes interesting and tasty!

G

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