Mon, 10 Dec 2007 21:53:56 -0800 info@glutenfreeforum.com (Gluten-Free Celiac Disease Forum at Celiac.com (Home)) IP.Blog 60 Bolts come out of the blue when least expected and can have the most profound effect on you.
Sons are for keeps and sons keep me going, I would hate to think where I would be without my sons, all four of them. I would like to think we are close, but I would like to be closer.
Life is pretty interesting and life can be tough, but life is what it is all about, and the strength of our character to keep us here on this mortal coil.
Yesterday was disasterously tragic.
The first tragedy was the fact it was the first day at work after the holidays. Not so tragic you reckon? No, not tragic, but it all went downhill from there!
First thing at work I was told Mrs R had died. "Mrs R, who is she?" I asked, I had a fair idea, I thought the teller had got it wrong because the person I immedately thought of is not Mrs R, but Miss W-A. It turns out it was who I thought it was, Miss W-A, but pretty much all the staff knew her as Mrs R. That is tragic, but the other tragedy is that she was nearly nine months pregnant and the baby died as well. Her 13 year old son had found her at home. There is speculation about maybe a fit, but we can't go by that until it is known for sure. My heart goes out for her and her family, and all their hopes dashed in a single instant. Her oldest son was a student at the school I work in a couple of years back. I only saw him the other day, said hello, and he walked on right past me. Aye, 13 is an interesting age. I will go to her and her unborn baby's funeral on behalf of the school.

Further to this tragedy is another one, not so close to home, but no less tragic. One of my older sons school friend's mother died the other day from cancer from what I gather. Every-time I saw her or thought of her family it reminds me of the time our sons got into a bit of strife quite a few years back. Painful memories, but they have grown up since. It makes me feel old she was only 3 years older than me, where-as Miss W-A was a full 11 years younger.

I don't know if the next bit of news fits into the same tragic arena, but putting it into perspective, it is the lesser tragedy, but it will have far more reaching effects for me and my family. My oldest son rang up last night, chatted for a few minutes sounding quite chirpy then said he had something to say, nothing too bad, but are you sitting down mum? I knew what was coming. Mothers just know what is next. Then he told me, that he and his wife have decided to give up on their 5 year old marriage. I should've been shell-shocked distraught and everything, but I think I was too numb from the earlier bad news, to even think about it too much. It is sad, and we all want what is right for our kids, and we want them to have perfect lives etc etc. Now he has/they have really mucked things up. There will be a lot of anugish and toil in the future as they settle things up. I don't envy them, but I give them credit for making this big decision and going through with it. I do not want them to keep up the pretence of a happy marriage if that is not what it is. I would rather them be happy even if it means making fearful decisions. But I would rather them be happy, whether together or apart. It take two to make a marriage work, and I have been there and done that and picked myself up again after his father and I separated. He realises he had made mistakes when he got married, he admits there were signs. She was a girl from Vietnam living in Sydney and my son was from NZ in Sydney. They met, fell in love and got married. It is not that simple, there was a bit of pressure they felt for them to get married at 21. She was faced with having to go back to Vietnam after graduating from university, but they felt they wanted to be together forever and marriage was the only way they could see that happening. They seemed so very happy at the start. But I guess they were really too young to get married.

I must go, this is just a little bit of how my life is going these last couple of days, bolts out of the blue and lots of heartache. I feel like packing my bags and going to Sydney to give him a big fat hug. I haven't seem him for nearly 4 years.

I must go

Cathy]]> Mon, 8 Oct 2007 21:26:26 -0700
Summer is just around the corner.

My second son Andrew came home from Australia. He has adapted to my gluten free life quite well. He is a bit hesitant to eat what he perceives as my food, but I tell him to help himself, the only things he can't touch would be my tuna, bread and mueslis. The rest I eat is not typically marketed to be gluten free, but is gluten free non-the-less, so it is not expensive. The last thing I want to do is be a drain on our finances, so I try to go mainstream as much as possible. He has been back for a couple of months and is now employed so all is sweet. I get a text from him most days about lunchtime asking me what is for tea! As you can tell he is a natural born eater.

Another son has now joined the glasses wearing group, He was a bit reluctant at the start, he did not like the idea, but he felt he needed them, and he did. He has adapted to them, and being nearly 18 it would be quite something to all of a sudden have to face up to, glasses. Which reminds me, my husband is going down today to have his eyes tested. He is all of 52 and has never had an eye examination in his life. How do people get this far without ever having eye exams? I guess not everybody is short-sighted like me and my family.

I have been to the doctors recently. I had managed to loose a bit of weight as was requested on my previous visit. All the blood that was needed was taken and sent of for analysis. I wasn't quite prepared for what came back. I was thinking my cholestrol would be fine, and my coeliac markers will be down even more. But then the doctors nurse rang and left a message for me to ring back. My first thought was my cholestrol was sky high. So I rang back, it wasn't that and had gone down to 4.3, down from 5. I was pleased, but my B12 levels were down, just a little bit below normal, and I was recommended to take a supplement and be back in a couple of months for retesting. I was quite upset, and thought if they were down, it would've been sooner, not now, not now when I have been gluten free for nearly 2 years. It is not that I don't eat meat, I do, so I am a bit bemused, and am now thinking about jabs in my bum for life. And my coeliac markers are going down down down. I asked the Doctor what would be a good level to have, and he said 0, I'm not sure if that is feasible, but they were 100 to start with and are now down to 28, I can see a zero looming on the horizon. But it does worry me that one day they might be on an upward trend. What would the dr say then, would he look at me and wag his finger and say you have been naughty!

I have been to the eye doctor too, well the optometrist, and he is monitoring my eyes for glaucoma. The pressures are a little bit up, but all the other testing seems to have been okay. It runs in my family as my dad has it, so it is better to catch it now rather than too late.

Also just recently I have been getting migraines.

I am also starting to go through menopause. I seem to get hot flushes everynow and then. I could just be sitting here and feel the heat come on. Especially at night, I am in and out of the blankets, it is rather annoying especially since summer is on its way. How will I combat it? I am lost. A work mate says wine is bad and so is sugar for hot flushes. I will have to have a wine free chocolate free life from now on. I am asking you, where is the fun in that?

I get the feeling I am falling apart, I know I am falling apart, as I was listening to talkback last night and the hbost was saying at 25 your body slowly starts to shut down, a bit like the younger doctor I had when I turned 30 she told her friends were saying it was all downhill from there. I started off on this entry quite happy with things, but now I am wondering if deep down I am not happy.

Well I am quite happy with things
]]> Mon, 1 Oct 2007 17:57:22 -0700
Funny how when you think things are peachy, things all of a sudden end up pear shaped.

I have two sons in Sydney, Australia, they have been there for coming on 10 years. Their father, my ex husband has been a major part in their lives over there. I thought things had been fine, they have both been working, one son even managed to set up a business on his own.

But life gets tough even for them. It now seems the youngest who has been unemployed for a little while, maybe 2 months wants to come home. He has had enough of his father and just wants out. I'd love him to come home, but I feel he is probably a bit more than just unemployed, he could be suffering from depression. I just want him to come home relax, get all the cuddles he has missed, dust himself off, and find himself again.

Then over the last couple of days I have heard that the other son, who is married, and has recently disbanded his business and is now working for someone else could be depressed. It breaks my heart to think that things are not so good for them. It gets right into the core of me and I feel I have failed them, could I possibly have brought up two sons who cannot cope with life, and yet I still have two more sons at home who I am beginning to wonder whether I am failing them too. I carry the weight of my world on my shoulders and it is oh so heavy.

Cathy




]]> Tue, 26 Jun 2007 05:16:27 -0700
I did ask him if he could be 100% positive that I had coeliac, and he had to admit that he should've done a biopsy earlier on, as when I had the biopsy done it had been a whole year since I went gluten free. But he did mention that the blood results pointed to problems with gluten. He did say I had coeliac after the blood tests. It's on my records I guess, so I should leave it at that.

I guess today I am just being a doubting Thomas and looking for a reason to test the diagnosis. But really do I want to test it? if I look deep down, no way. I have to admit my health has improved, my diarhoea has disappeared, no more fatulence and I am never embarassed after I exit a public loo anymore. I am happier, less depressed and I sleep a lot better. One reason I would not go back to gluten is because of the health benefits, it still means I have to think about everything I eat and that means being more aware about what I put in my mouth. All good reasons to stay gluten free.

If I leave this path, I will go back to being unhealthy as I probably would not care too much about everything I ate. And if I leave this eating pattern, I am sure I will go down hill with my diet, it will be a bit like taking up smoking again and having to handle the guilt that goes with it, and I don't think I am that strong. It took me a whole year to reach a place where I am happy with the diet, I do not want to undo my progress and enter into another phase of adjustment.

But, and it is a big but, I am left in a kind of never never land. Have I got it, or have I not. Can I cope with that and not go back to gluten? Will I still be just as careful with cross contamination issues? Deep down I do know I have issues with gluten.

I will just have to give myself a bit of a pep talk. No gluten. I have not slipped and if crunch came to crunch, I think I would give it a miss. Tomorrow I will wake up and say, yes I have coeliac. But not having a 100% diagnosis is a bit hard.

My blood pressure is a bit up, and the Doctor has given me a challenge to loose a bit of weight and that way it should go down. So I will do that, I did ask for a prescription for the gym, but he said even if he did, I would still have to pay! There goes the gym, I will keep on walking thank you ta. For all that he is a good doctor, I am only his second coeliac patient, so I guess he has been learning as he goes.

Must go and dry some dishes before my better half starts to throw them at me.

Cathy]]> Sun, 6 May 2007 23:52:36 -0700
Not much has happened, just been working hard and trying to get on.

A couple points of interest this week:

1) a fellow worker looking over my shoulder and saying "you can't eat rice, it has gluten in it." So I proudly pointed out that I was eating sausage as well! She is just one of the mis-informed who should know better. She soon cottoned on and then said with a laugh "there must been oodles of gluten in the curry." This is one thing I hate, people looking over my shoulder, and dissecting what I am eating. I do not like people taking too much interest in what I eat and then pass comment. I don't do it to them, so what gives them the right to go on about what I eat!

2) Another work colleague this week wanted to know how I felt a year on gluten free. That had me stumped, I would've liked to have said, fine, wonderful, like a new woman. But I had to admit, I am probably just as tired, just as grumpy and with about as much energy as before. This is not all bad, I don't think I was particularly too bad to start with. There are positive things to add, and I do not have problem with my bowels any more, I am happier and occassionaly I have a spring in my step. I think I get that spring thing when I eat food with as little additives as possible. One of the negative things is the fact that everything I eat seems to stick and trying to loose weight, seems nigh on impossible. I am sure that if I ate nothing the weight will still not budge. I will just have to accept that there is not much I can do about it.

Cathy
]]> Sat, 5 May 2007 00:42:25 -0700 In a year, I've gone from food ignaramous to foodie.
Junk food eater, to food nut.
I used to read labels on products to guage the fat and calorie content, but now it is more for the ingredients. Last week I found out that food labels contain the amounts of protein and carbohydrates in them
My favourite reading went from bestsellers to food labels. Lol
I've gone from unhealthy to getting better.
I have found a new passion. Can you guess what?

It has been quite a year. A growing year and full of discovery about me. I started of with a feeling about being gluten intolerant, that will be fine, piece of cake I thought, doing this gluten free diet can't be too hard. A bit like when hubby takes over looking after children for a week, he claims that was easy. It was easy those first few weeks, I noticed changes and took stock of them and did a major panic thinking if I ever want this to be diagnosed, I had to move quick before all the gluten was out of my body and undetectable which would mean non-diagnosis. So I took up all my courage, and waltzed into the doctors surgery to talk about bowel habits and food issues. Actually that was the easy part, yet prior to thinking I had a gluten problem I wasn't looking forward to seeing a doctor about something so personal.

Diagnosis came back positive, and I went yay, at least there are no drugs to take, and my wellbeing is all dependant on diet. That is when the real panic started. It was all too much to take in, my health is in my hands. What did I know about food apart from calorie content?

I guess the first few weeks were a mental blur, I was stressed, I was tense, I was grumpy and I felt all alone. I kept repeating myself and my son pointed that out, but I used that as a guage to see whether I was coming back down to ground. Once I stopped obssessing and repeating, I knew I was getting there, and on top of that I knew I was getting comfortable with the diagnosis and diet. And the hubby knew by then that everytime we went walking the dog, I was not going to give him a run down on all things gluten. Maybe everyone had a sense of relief then?

My fears were that I would be eating gluten unawares, but that did not happen, as I was so scared of food the first few weeks, I avoided anything that might look risky. But then I got to the stage where I trusted labels too much, not realising that a flavour or a colour could have a gluten base. If a food had gluten legally in NZ it had to state that. I tried so hard to keep eating the same sort of things, apart from bread. But I came unstuck quite a few times especially when I thought bacon and ham and corned beef were fine, as well as a lot of chocolate, muesli bars and alcoholic drinks, I did avoid beer, so there should be some brownie points there. I just became a mess, the changes I initially noticed disappeared and I was back to the loo more than before, and talk about stomach pains, they were not a problem previously. So I had to re-evaluate what I was doing wrong? I believed that I was eating too much processed foods and if I was having a problem with something I would not know what it was, there was just too many things it could've been. As I knew all food and veges and unprocessed foods were fine, I went back to eating unprocessed food. But then I guess I have been eating processed food all my life, so how can I say going back to it?

I did do better with unprocessed foods, but then I would rebell and the same problems came back. So over a few months I eliminated most processed foods, learnt how to cook from scratch again and felt better, and when I did eat something I was not sure of I kept an eye on it.

I've gone from thinking I had intolerances to peanuts, soy, legumes and dairy. The elimination diet for those was hard, as I did not make any progress even after I wasn't eating any of those things. I was lost as to what it was, until my sister said something about water. So I made one change and that was to not drink the water out of the zip at work, and I just would not have believed it, but that appears to have been the thing that kept giving me dairhoea without the stomach issues. So I had reached a stage where I could comfortably bring back suspect foods, and now I am eating everything except the soy. Soy in moderation, but being on such a low food processed diet, there is not much soy there, so I won't worry too much about it at all.

I have stomach issues occassionally, but it is more when I indulge in cola drinks or coloured fizzy, or it usually is something I never can figure out. It is probably something like touching a bread bag and not washing my hands.

But that first year has gone, and I am looking forward to this year. I intend to loose weight and this morning it said 80, so that is two kilos down from Jan 1. Way to go!

Cathy]]> Fri, 2 Feb 2007 17:12:44 -0800
Then I noticed an hour later my mail on the dashboard of the car, I asked Jim, when did that arrive, as it looked like a bill from the optician saying I still owe them over $500 for my new glasses, which I knew and I still have got two months to pay it off.

I was a bit frustrated by then, as it is going to be paid, just maybe not this week.

So I opened it and the first thing my eyes saw was congratulations, oh yeah I thought, they're congratulating me on making a good choice by getting my glasses from them,

but no, I read further on and they said they'd enclosed a cheque for $233, I thought maybe they'd overcharged me as they cost over $1200 and I thought they could've put that towards the amount I still owed them

and then I looked further and it looked to me that the bill had been wiped and it was beginning to look more like I had won the December draw for the cost of my transition lenses to be re-imbursed.

THEN I GO WOW.

I just couldn't believe it, all up I had won $821 being the cost of my lenses! Wow, I have been grinning from ear to ear all day. That means I haven't got $588 still to pay on them. I am going to thank them profusely on Monday when I have got my wits about me back.

Life is sweet.

So sweet I decided to make a gluten free date loaf from a recipe I used when I was at school, I just changed the flour. It worked out, it worked out and it is yummy

But then later Jim had to go to the dentist to get a tooth pulled, and I had to drive back, and before I even got out of the street that the dentist was on I had made a couple of glaring mistakes, but we got back in one piece. Whew.

On top of that, the diet is going well, so well, have probably lost two kilos since the 1st. Wonderful

Cathy
Can't believe it about the $821, probably the most I have ever won. (I was just a bit slow Jim was going to pay the $588 and if he had, I would've got a cheque for $821 and not $233, but I guess Jim would've been demanding it back!)
]]> Thu, 11 Jan 2007 22:08:42 -0800
I guess I am lucky, I struggled to loose nearly a couple of stone a few years back (was 90kg/14st), and even adjusting to the gluten free diet in the beginning, I did not gain it back. I was really chuffed and told myself that no way was I ever going to get over 80kg, but look at me now, one year on and the weight is creeping back up, I am now 83 kilos, which is 13 stone! It is all the Christmas extra eating that is doing it. Not so much chocolate, but in general just eating more.

I feel I have been dieting or in need of it, all my life. At 16 I lost a stone as I was just over ten stone. But that went back on, and maybe a little bit more. I remember just after getting married I was about 9 and a half stone. Good. Then the children arrive and with the first one I put on a horrendous amount, and the doctor put me on a diet while I was pregnant! But it was so so hard to do that, I was excessively hungry. My son was born, his placenta was small and I was asked if I smoked. Not I had given it up the moment I thought I was pregnant. But you know what, the weight just slipped back off. I was chuffed and I guess I rested on my laurels with number 2 son, the weight went on, same problem excessive hunger (Is that a symptom of coeliac while pregnant?) I know I got excessively hungry the last year before I was diagnosed. And I got the same questions about the size of his placenta and whether I had been smoking. But you don't need to guess what else happened, the excess weight did not fall off. So another diet, I lost a heap, then I got sick with a cyst on my ovary (the pain was worse than childbirth), which needed surgical removal in 1986. and I sort of related dieting to getting ill, which really is a bit lame, but the connection was there and yet a few years later another diet and another health connection! Tell you about that one soon.

So from this point, I have had two more children gained another few stone to bring me up to that awful 14stone which put me into the obese catergory! I did not like that, never have, but I was a bit reluctant to diet, I would walk and walk and keep active, but I could not push myself to diet until I reached that magical 14 stone in late 2004.

Then into the diet. What amazed me (as I already had signs of coeliac, that I didn't relate to anything), upon increasing my fibre as in fruit and veges, my diarhoea almost cleared up in the first couple of weeks. I thought fibre would've worsened the problem! In hindsight it cleared up because I had drastically reduced the glutens in my diet. But that phase did not last long and the d came back as there was still gluten in my diet.

By March 2005 I had lost all the weight that that diet was going to give up. I was 77kg 12 stone 7? and quite happy, and still trying to diet, but this is where I got hungry hungry again, and there was no way I could even seriously try to loose more weight. But at least the weight had stabailised and now I was thinking about finding out what was wrong with me. I was a bit embarrassed thinking about going to the doctor, I thought it would be awful complaining about my bowel habits. From about March I realised that what I had was serious, I realised, (always have really) that it is not normal to have diarhoea everyday of your life (for the last 10 years) and I was having problems with emergency evacuation of my bowels whenever I had anything that was yummy, as in shouts at work, or going out for a meal. Food was a problem, I was starting to get heartburn and that was horrible. My health was going downhill and was starting to impact on myl life at work, at home and everywhere. I was getting grumpy.

So I more or less diagnosed myself, which is not hard, as it was something I ate everyday, and as my sister suspected gluten intolerance in herself and got a result that was borderline, so I took the bull by the horn, tried gluten free, then realised more or less immediately, hey, this is really improving my life, hot trotted to the doctor (it was not hard to do as I realised it wasn't something embarrassing like worms!) and told him what I thought was wrong with me. He listened and took the tests and the results came back weakly positivie for Coeliac. I felt like yelling, I don't want that, I want the gluten intolerance!

So there you are, another diet only to find out that I was ill.

But I do want to loose more, especially what I put back on! New Year is just around the corner, and I will seriously get back into the weight loss diet, (I am 99.9% serious with gluten free). Notice just 99.9%, sometimes it gets so frustrating that like last night I will grab a couple hot chips from my hubby's plate. He reckons it is not worth telling me off, as I won't listen. I should listen I know, as there was gluten in there, but this is one risk I am willing to take once in a blue moon, maybe once every couple of months, as the gluten will be neglible. Go on tell me off, I know it is wrong for my health, but it is no worse than those accidental glutenings that I get from sources unknown, only difference is this way it is a calculated risk, as it is anytime when you eat out.

Cathy]]> Thu, 28 Dec 2006 11:41:12 -0800
A lovely day, slept in a bit, thankfully the boys are old enough to not jump on our bed first thing in the morning demanding to be allowed to open presents. Thankfully they don't since they are 6 ft tall!

No 4 son gave me a book called Smitten, with oodles of photos of cute little kittens. They are so adorable, I will have another kitten in a flash. No 4 son got from me The Beatles Anthology as he is so into the Beatles. He makes me feel like I have gone back in time to the 60's. I thought Ringo was the one then! Now I would go with John Lennon. No 3 son gave me a DVD of U2's 18 videos. Awesome, just what I wanted. I have loved U2 since the 80's, and then more recently got into Robbie Williams, but U2 will always be a favourtite.

I rang my mum and dad, mum was in the process of baking bread, so every now and then I would hear the whirl of her breadmaker as she checked to make sure it had enough flour etc in it. Dad was just chilling out, wondering if I was on top of it all. And yes, I could tell him I am getting there at last. I know I am getting there, as I told my hubby yesterday morning that I couldn't wait till Christmas was over and I could get back to eating normal food. That is great coming from me, as it means acceptance of my diet and best of all I even subconsciouly call it normal.

I rang my oldest son and his wife in Sydney and they were getting ready to go to his father's and brother's place across town for lunch. I will have to ring him again soon, as he will be 26 on the 1st. Told him not to get older, as it is making me feel old, and he agreed, and would be pleased to go back to 24.

No 3 son got a call about an hour ago from me. He is fine, in a new job and thinking about coming over here for a holiday this year sometime. I miss them all, but they are only a phone call away, but at Christmas even that is too far away. I talked to his dad, my ex husband. He seems fine, he is on his own with two young sons, and he has more of a battle than me. His youngest at 4 has diabetes and the older one at 8 has Aspergers. Thankfully our sons the older ones are okay. I can relate to Aspergers as a friend of mines sons has it, and I remember when teacher aiding that he was into everything and wanted to know everything and asked me questions I could not answer, he was very focused on electrical gadgets, especially fans. He has grown up, not really as he is only 13, but he is a honey, and still has a determination in his mindset.

Stupid moment of the day yesterday. I told hubby that he never put the dog food back in the fridge. He came back to me and said, but they are your crackers. Yes I got called crackers for the rest of the day! Duh!

Grumble. I did everything right and ordered a special meal for me from the caterers for our work Christmas lunch a few days beforehand. You know what happened on the actual day. Plates full of food arrived, and I asked what was gluten free for me, and I got a dumbfounded look from the delivery people saying probably nothing. I just can't believe how close to tears I got. They were welling in the back of my eyes, and my first thought was to run, go home and scream.

But I pulled myself together and managed to ring the caterers and ask for the person who had taken my call previously. Unfortunately she was on holiday, but the person at the other end was quite prepared to send something up for me. So I went with that, but was still pretty miffed, but pleased that I got a meal, even if it was toasted ham sandwiches with brie avocados etc and a selection of fresh fruit and cheese and rice crackers and a chocolate chip biscuit for desert. I was miffed as everybody else had festive fare, and me something quite unfestive. Not even a strawberry! And even more miffed as I had told the person previously when I first made contact that I did not care for gluten free bread, and what did I get 4 slices of it.

I lived, but a workmate was holding onto her stomach about an hour later, and I had a case of dejavu, as that is precisely how I felt after last years Christmas lunch at work. But this year, I could get up and clean the staffroom and still manage to walk the dog without thinking I ate too much. I rang up the next day and thanked the caterers for bringing my lunch up.

So I have nearly come up to my first anniversary of being gluten free, it is an achievement. Just another week away.

People say the first year is the hardest, and I will agree with that. There is a lack of litrature out there, but I am noticing more cookbooks appearing and more general knowledge about the disease.

I will recap on my first year soon, but for now it is nearly 10pm and I have eaten so much, that I feel like a blob.

Cathy]]> Mon, 25 Dec 2006 01:02:04 -0800 Sometimes for one reason or another, it can be the worst time of our lives.

I have had one of those awful Christmases, but I hate calling it awful, as there some wonderful and not so wonderful memories, but by calling Christmas 73 awful, would belittle the memory of my brother.

This is sad, but probably not as sad as it can get.
My brother was 19, I was 16 and this was 33 years ago. Time heals, yes, but memories thankfully, are always there and I will never forget.
David, had just gotten married and he had just welcomed his new son into the world a few weeks before. They were both young, his wife was 17.

It was the build up to Christmas, school was out and we had just moved from the country into the town, and I had just started my first job in a bank. It was the beginnings of a new start, as in everything had changed within the last couple of months.
I remember riding my bike, I remember thinking about my family, of three sisters and four brother. A big family. But I was out on my bike riding around the streets thinking things about Christmas and family. I don't know where the thought came from but I was thinking about my brothers and how I didn't really know them, as they were all older than me, three of them anyway. Somehow I got to thinking how sad it would be to loose someone at Christmas. Those memories haunt me, as I do wonder if subconscioulsy I knew something. That scares me, but I do wonder.

A couple of nights later, Friday the 21st, 1973 I had a friend around home and he left early, and I had for the first time in my 16 years that I could remember the most awful nights sleep. I tossed and turned, especially when I was trying to get to sleep. But I was not overly concerned, and left that in the back of my mind.

But next morning at about 10 o'clock people were out looking for David as he had not come home. Still no alarm bells for me as it was Christmas, he could be at a friends house. I never expected the worst. (I do now in those circumstances! I am a worry wart, usually for no good reason)

But then a couple of hours later, my father called us girls around, and shuffled us into a room, and probably had to tell us the hardest thing he had ever had to tell anyone before. They had found my brother and his motorbike off the side of the road. Dad said Mum did not know, so dad still had to go into another room and tell my mother. I wished I could take those words back. My world fell apart, our world fell apart. My brother dead, my new sister-in-law a widow at 17 and a three week old baby boy fatherless! They estimated the time of the accident about 10pm. Can it get much worse than that at Christmas? I know it can.

For some reason or other, I was sent out on my bike to look for Bill my sister's husband who had been partying the night before at a friends house. I found him, he had a sore head, and told him that he should come up to our place. But he didn't want to, I kept pleading, but I didn't want to tell him why in front of his friends, but I couldn't help it and blurted out that David had died. He did go home, pronto!

So the lead up to Christmas had changed. Funeral arrangements to prepare, the sheer tragedy of loosing someone so young is so hard. I went to my grandmothers place to stay for a couple of nights. I did not really want to be there, as I wanted to be with my family, but my grandmother was besides herself, saying it should've been her that died, and yes she did need someone with her for a few days, but me being a bit of an immature 16 year old, was probably not the best choice, but I hope I did help her.

David's funeral was Christmas Eve, on a bit of a wet day, it was so sad. My eyes were full of tears, and I think they played at the chruch morning has broken, but definately they played Amazing Grace, and I sang that through tears. Acutally the tears are not too far away from me now, they have been kept in check for a long time, but this year, David is in my mind more than ever in the lead up to Christmas.

For months I could never count on anything being permanent ever again. I was waiting for the next tragedy. People who I would bump into in the street, would ask how my parents were, they did not ask how I felt. I think I was slightly depressed as my whole world had changed and nothing was ever the same again, I had lost my innocence, and was thrust into the world whether I was ready for it or not. Welcome to adulthood!

Christmas 73 was hard, and bitter sweet. There was the weak cheer of Christmas time, we all as a family went through the motions. We were all together, not wanting to celebrate, but tradition went ahead through the tears. I remember that Christmas with all its mixed emotions. It was so sad, but now years later, I can accept it happened at Christmas time. I don't accept the fact that he died, but if he had to die, Christmas is not such a bad time to die. Macabre? No, just that Christmas brings David's memory back for me. It keeps the Chistmas spirit in my family, for me anyway, in that David is still with us in spirit on Christmas, and he will always be part of my Christmas, which is the day for togetherness and memories.

My brother David (three years older than me), as I remember was a bit of a rebel. He was a tough boy, if I was scared of one brother, it would be David. I unfortunately had night terrors when I was young and he, being the nasty older brother told me that one day I would faint and never wake up again! Lovely boy. So as you can see, I was a bit of a scaredy cat. But he was tough. In some ways it was a bit like growing up with a gang of brothers. The three of them were all close together in age, and would do everything together, even get on my tricyclye and wreck it! David had long blonde hair, and my youngest son, now has the same long blonde hair and does look a bit like him, but he is not a rebel. David married young and at times you can't help but wonder what life would've held for him and his wife and child. I will remember him being told by his mother and family to give up smoking, and he turned around and said no, because he might be run down by a bus tomorrow. He lived for the day, whether it was smoking or not, and did not concern too much about the future, but how many of us do think about the future being so young?

I have had other hard Christmases, as in marital disharmony, financial worries. But I would rather remember my brother along with the time my son spent Christmas in hospital, instead of those. It is these times that bring families together, and are what memories are made of. It is in these circumstances that the true nature of Christmas is experienced. It is not the financial side, as in gift giving that is important to me, but the being together as family.

But I know there are others out there with equally sad Christmas stories, and I feel for you and my thoughts are with you. At first the emotions are so raw, and so hard to deal with.

I think I have mainly written this for myself, and it does not matter if nobody else reads this, as Christmas should be a happy time, and not a time for grieving, and I do not want to depress anybody, that is why I have put the warning up top.

So if my Christmas threads have been tinged with sandness, this could be the reason, or else I am just a sad old sock.

I wish you all a merry christmas and a happy new year.

Cathy


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