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CaliSparrow
I'm frustrated beyond belief with myself. How long does it take to change behavior brought with me from childhood? I'm a people pleaser. I love to keep the peace. I will do anything for peace. Now, the thing that worked for so many years, people pleasing, is contributing to my illness.

"Yes, sure, I can have watermelon." Forget about washing my hands beforehand. These hands that had just been immersed in potato chips at my mom's behest to feed the geese at the park. These hands that tore my mom's sandwich into tiny pieces so she could eat it. Yeah, right, I can eat the watermelon IF I WASH MY HANDS FIRST!

Here it is folks. I've been seeing a grief therapist who just told me last week that when I begin to put my needs above others, I will experience better health. Ack! She's so right. The very next day I was put to the test and failed miserably. Maybe I should play Alanis Morrisette's Thank U and be grateful my lessons have such physical consequences!

I've had some really good days and they have merely whet my appetite. I want more but can't get there from here. There's no denying it, I must change behavior that is driven by a primal need. As long as I keep giving in to keeping the peace (and probably while no one else notices or benefits from!), then I will keep on making myself sick. That's right I'm doing this to myself!

I've been sick for over a decade. The worst of it started in '05. I want to feel better for the long haul. I get close enough to get a real taste of what it's like to be well and it just makes these bouts of illness more unbearable psychologically.

The last few weeks, I was communicating my needs clearly with others and got such good results. When I stated my needs clearly and definitively, people got it. Today, I'm done with talking to people. I have two handfuls of phone calls to make (friends I'm losing touch with again that I reconnected with on a WELL DAY) and feel so rotten that I just want to crawl in a hole... Or force myself to be physically busy and torture myself in the name of progress (because progress feels so damn good). Maybe if I make it more painful, I'll learn more. I guess I really am a masochist either way you slice it. It's gross.

My current struggle: nurturing myself vs driving home a point that I need to get through pain

So missing having a normal life; being needed; being reliable; having steady friendships... I want these things so much.