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Just venting and 'thinking out loud' for the most part.
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When I went to bed last night at 8:30, I turned on music to go to sleep to. I don't remember hearing any of it, as I must have been asleep instantly. I woke up at 6:00 AM to go to the bathroom. But just to pee pretty much. I think giving my bowels a rest yesterday by not eating until evening was the best thing to do. I ate some chicken last night, and a few rice crackers with hazelnut butter. I know, I shouldn't really eat rice crackers, but I needed something, and was too tired to cook for myself. And my husband had bought a whole roasted chicken and potato salad (which I can't eat, either), and McDonalds for our daughter.
I do have a headache, and I'm still tired. I am definitely going to have a nap this afternoon before going to see my counselor. It's a 1 1/2 hour drive to get to him each way, and I don't have to leave until 6:00 PM, as my appointment is from 7:30 to 9:10 (that's a two hour appointment, as his counseling hours are only 50 minutes long, to allow him to write down his notes between appointments).
Last night I practiced my violin. I got sick of playing 'Twinkle twinkle little star' only, and moved on to playing the songs on the next pages, teaching myself a few more notes in the process. I know that it sounded pretty dreadful. My daughter, who was chatting with her friends on MSN messenger, unbeknown to me, recorded me and sent the recordings to her friends, who were all laughing at me! Little brat!
I am having my second violin lesson tomorrow, maybe it will help in learning to sound a little nicer. It is very hard to hold the violin and the bow properly, to put my fingers in the right position and to move the bow just right to get a good sound. It takes a lot of coordination and is really multi-tasking (which I am almost incapable of).
But hey, I've only had one lesson so far, and with practice and perseverance I expect to get reasonably good at it. It takes time and patience. You need to keep going while it still sounds terrible, before you can sound good (I have to keep telling myself that, too).
The one teacher, who I've known for two years, as he is the one fixing my recorders, was the teacher playing the duet with the girl playing the clarinet. I didn't know he plays and teaches the clarinet, too. When it was the teacher's turn to perform, he played a Celtic song on the recorder. It was beautiful. I don't think he has any recorder students, as most people don't look upon the recorders as a serious instrument, and as a result would be unwilling to pay $25.00 for a half an hour recorder lesson.
But I think I will go and take recorder lessons with him. I really miss playing my recorder, and learning to play it better. My younger brother and I would be playing all the time when I was still in Germany, and he was teaching me to play amazingly well. But here I don't have anybody to play with, since my two oldest daughters are married and gone (I taught them to play).
I still play nicely, but not brilliantly. Most of the time my recorders are put away. I have a whole collection of them, I think I have fifteen to twenty recorders. Four wooden soprano recorders (my favourite is my rosewood one, but I have a very old one that was handmade in Germany a hundred years ago that I treasure as well, and the one my father sent me two years before he died, which was a real surprise, as it was very expensive, about $200.00, plus my youngest brother's recorder, which he stopped playing) and a bunch of good plastic ones, two wooden alto recorders, plus several plastic ones, a wooden sopranino recorder, a plastic tenor recorder (I really want a wooden one, but those cost a lot of money)and a very small recorder (don't remember what it's called now, I don't play it, it's something neat to have). This collection is worth several thousand dollars. It's too bad to waste it by not playing.
I will take two recorder lessons and two violin lessons each month. That way I am learning something new (the violin), but I will also play at an advanced level learning to play the recorders better, which will be somewhat more enjoyable, as it will actually sound beautiful.
Well, I better get ready to see my doctor. I hope that we can figure things out, to get my adrenals and thyroid working again without any herbal remedies.
Well, after not eating any breakfast or lunch and only drinking some water and chamomile tea until nearly 7:00 PM, I made it through the day without major problems. I didn't get any more sleep after my last entry, as every time I thought of going to bed, I'd have to rush to the bathroom instead. So, I had about four hours of sleep the night before last night, and about three hours last night. Meaning, I'll be going to bed soon to try to catch up on some sleep.
I know, I usually NEVER go to bed this early, but I am fading fast.
The recital was great. Our daughter sang beautifully. Her clear soprano voice did the song "Oh Holy Night" justice for sure. Without a doubt, she and another girl playing the clarinet (a duet with her teacher) were the stars of the recital. And I am not just saying that because she is my kid, but it was very obvious. The truth is the truth.
My husband took a video with our daughter's camera, and I took pictures with our camera. Too bad he tilted the camera, not realizing that you can't turn a video, so now we have to watch it with our heads tilted.
Because the recital was two hours earlier than was originally planned, our daughter-in-law came as well. I am glad she could make it, so our daughter had four people there to watch her perform (and I'm sure the baby inside our daughter-in-law was delighted with all the music ). That means that only one ticket was wasted.
Anyway, I need to go. I really, really hope I can manage to get a little more sleep tonight. Tomorrow I am seeing my naturopathic doctor. And in the evening I am seeing my counselor. I am glad, I am ready for him.
I was hoping so much that this night I could just make it through the night, it sure felt like it was possible when I went to bed. But no such luck. I woke up at 4:00 AM, and just made it to the bathroom, where I stayed for an hour (sigh). Now it is 5:00 AM, and I don't feel like it's safe to go back to bed yet.
Seriously, how will I make it through the day on so little sleep? I haven't had a decent, uninterrupted night's sleep in a week! I am supposed to go to church, and to my daughter's recital today. I am not sure if I actually should eat anything for breakfast or lunch, because I don't want to interrupt the recital by suddenly rushing out to the bathroom. Not to mention potentially missing my daughter's performance.
Last night my husband and I went to the Christmas dinner of our local youth drop-in center, run by Highland Youth for Christ. My husband volunteers there. Yes, he has time for other kids, but not his own. This place is really 'home' for a lot of those kids, and they treat the director like she is their mom. After school (if they haven't skipped) they come by to just check in and give her a hug. Their own moms wouldn't care if they are coming or going. Those kids are all abused kids, with parents that are criminals, drug addicts, alcohol addicts, and who couldn't care less about them.
A lot of those kids use drugs, and are in and out of jail for various, usually minor, offenses. But with the help of the director, who will counsel them, and has set up something like a homeschool upstairs which is approved by the ministry of education, where they can get one high school credit at a time, even if they totally fail in school, a lot of them are straightening out. Quite a few have become Christians and regularly attend church. Hopefully they'll make it, and not end up like their parents.
We were supposed to be at the dinner by 5:45 PM. We didn't get there until 6:15 PM. Just as I was going to have my shower, the D hit me again. That took half an hour to get out of my system. Then I rushed through my shower and got ready. When at 6:00 I was about to put on my coat to go out the door, into the bathroom I zoomed again.
I assumed that they'd just go ahead and start supper without us, and we could just sneak in and join them. No such luck. They all sat around WAITING for us! It was very embarrassing to me. Sure enough, they told us to go upstairs where everything was set up, and came up after us. And of course, everybody would just assume we were late for no particular reason, and there is no way for me to explain. ...................
........Where were we, when I took the amazing opportunity 45 minutes ago to look through all the specials flyers that came with our weekend paper (I put them into the bathroom for a purpose)? (it is now 5:45 AM). Oh yes, embarrassing moments. Those are the memories that haunt me.
It was a good celebration. I ate some turkey (they cooked the stuffing separately, just for me), plain carrots and peas, and some mashed potatoes (taking my chances there, but the director helped cook, and is very aware of my problems). I waited out the salad, as it was served with croutons already on it, and obviously passed on the dinner rolls being handed around.
Then we sang carols and winter songs, led by our pastor (who became a Christian only about 12 years ago, and used to perform in bars with his 4 brothers), who is a cool guy, and those teenagers love him. After that, all the volunteers got a gift, and then the kids got their stockings. They try to put in some neat stuff, but also some basics like socks, gloves, hats, as those are often the only items of that kind those kids get all year. Those gifts are for many also the only Christmas presents they are likely to get. So, they wouldn't miss the Christmas dinner for anything, they want those presents! Every present given out is greeted with hooting and hollering and cheering. There is a volunteer group in town that buys and donates those gifts each year.
Without that youth center, those kids would be hanging out in the street getting into trouble. It is a life saver (for many literally) for them. Here they are loved and treated well, counseled, educated, they can have fun in a loving, non-threatening environment. They play pool and ping-pong with the volunteers, and build relationships.
The director will fight for them in court, with the government agencies, with the schools. She is their only advocate, without her for many they'd just be thrown into jail, and left there to rot without a chance of a decent life. Here lives are turned around. Not all can be saved, some are too hardened already, and it always breaks her heart. These are 'her' kids, and she loves them passionately.
She has to raise her own salary, and often, if donations for her don't come in (and they have to specifically state that the money is for her salary), she goes without. There is no government funding for this place, since it's 'religious'. In their shortsightedness they don't see that those kids would cost the government a lot of money in the end, without this center's work.
I just wished I'd have money to give to her. Last Christmas I asked my husband to give me money for Christmas, to give to her. It helped her with her trip down to the States to visit her daughter. But this year I don't get a present, because I needed new glasses in the fall, and the only way he let me have them was, if they're my Christmas present. The reason is, that my old glasses (due to my ultra-sensitive skin) gave me open sores on my nose, even though they were very light already. My only chance for that to stop was titanium frames (if you want to call them that, as it's only arms and a nose bridge directly attached to the lenses). They are very expensive.
My husband wanted me to just get new lenses for my old frames. That simply was not a viable option. I did pay part of it with money I had saved. But because my right eye had changed a lot, and my left one didn't, I also needed new reading lenses, and office lenses (for computer work). I don't do bi-focals. I've tried that a few years ago, and hated them, they disorient me. And yes, I gave them a good try, as I had them for a year. So, the total bill was about $700.00, of which I paid $200.00 myself. Which is expensive, and hence no Christmas present.
I really like my new ultra-light glasses. They are so weight-less, that you don't even feel like you have anything on your nose. The only drawback is, that they need adjusting more often, as somehow they get bent out of shape more easily.
Three weeks ago I had them adjusted, as they were slightly crooked. Three days later I went to visit my daughter and her family, to take her and baby Zoey out for lunch and Christmas shopping (I ate the lunch I brought with me in the car and let my daughter drive to the mall, and then she ate her lunch there, while I held the baby).
When I arrived, my daughter handed me Zoey (she is six months old), who was delighted to see me. She reached out with her little hand to touch my face (she likes to stroke people's faces, it's so sweet), but instead of just touching my cheek, she grabbed my glasses and ripped them off my face! Needless to say, I had to go back the next day to have them adjusted again. Little rascal.
On Thursday our oldest daughter with her husband and five children will arrive to stay with us for four days, and then they'll move on to his family, who lives a 45 minute's drive from here. And on Friday the other daughter with baby Zoey will come, but they will sleep at our son's house (who may or may not have a baby by then, his wife went into false labour a week ago, and the doctor didn't think she'd make it to her due date, which is January 3rd).
Because I've been so sick, and still am, I haven't done any cleaning, baking, hardly any decorating. I am NOT ready for this invasion at all. My husband tells me not to worry, it's no problem. But his mother and her husband are coming for lunch on Saturday, too, and she is awfully critical of me (she's never liked or accepted me). I wished I could just hide.
And having all those people here, and the little kids making messes, and noise, and constantly wanting attention will stress me to the limit. In principle I love Christmas. But it's the most stressful time of the year for me, even if the kids do all the cooking. Actually, partly precisely because the kids do all the cooking. They don't understand about cross contamination, they laugh at me when I suggest I could get sick from something like somebody not washing their hands before they touch my food. They think I am paranoid and ridiculous. I get treated like a joke when I tell them that they can't use my cutting board for bread, and that just washing may not get it clean enough for me. My concerns get dismissed and poo-poohd regularly in this family. In order to be safe I'd have to move out.
I weighed myself yesterday. You'd think I would have lost weight this past week, with constant watery D, and hardly eating a thing. But, as usual, the less I eat the more I gain. I gained six pounds! My pants were tight tonight. It's crazy and upsetting.
I bought five tickets for our daughter's recital. I was hoping that her grandmother (who is one of the most selfish people on this earth, by the way) would come to see her perform. Also, she said that one of her friends wanted to come, and her older sister said she'd be there.
As it turns out now, only our son is coming (two tickets will be wasted). His wife is going to her parent's house, as it's her older brother's birthday. Our other daughter isn't coming, because she helped our second daughter move yesterday (her fiance borrowed a large trailer from his boss, which he towed with his big pickup truck), and now they're a 4 1/2 hour drive away. And because the recital was changed from 5:00 PM to 3:00 PM, she can't make it. Her friend has to work. And her grandmother decided not to come (she went to her other son's children's recitals, of course, as he is her favourite son, and they are her favourite grandchildren). Oh well, nothing I can do about it.
Last night on my way to bed it suddenly hit me, that I forgot about buying her teacher a gift! Of course, I meant to get one last week. But I was too sick to go out to stores, and so it slipped my mind. After church I will have to rush out and find something, like a nice ornament. I'll have about half an hour. Darn, not what I needed at all.
Well, I think I'll go and try to sleep for another couple of hours. I could sure use the sleep, I look like death warmed over. I'll have to try and hide the dark circles under my eyes with cover-up today. No need for people asking me if I am sick, I don't want to explain what's going on to anybody.
Okay, here I am again in the middle of the night. I actually DID go to bed at 11:00 PM, and fully intended to sleep until morning. Unfortunately, my bowels didn't agree with this plan. And since I'll likely be hours, running to the bathroom every few minutes, I thought I might as well make the best of it and do a little writing for distraction.
Right now I am in the middle of reading four books (plus a computer book). I rarely just read one book at a time. I guess one reason is, that I mostly read non-fiction, which can become tedious. And since there isn't a story you need to know the end of, it's alright to digest the information a few pages at a time.
I already mentioned one of those books in my last entry. I am also reading a book written by other people with celiac disease or gluten intolerance, "A Personal Touch on Celiac Disease - The #1 Misdiagnosed Disorder". Obviously no one author there, it's a collection of stories. Some of them sounded a lot like mine, most of those people really suffered before they were finally diagnosed (or diagnosed themselves, like me). It's a good book, and worth reading.
Another book I am reading is "The Gluten Connection - How Gluten Sensitivity may be sabotaging your health, and what you can do to take control NOW", by Shari Lieberman with Linda Segall. I love this book, great insight and years ahead of the medical profession in general. This lady has a PhD in nutrition, and sure knows what she is talking about. I highly recommend this book, it is a good complement to "Dangerous Grains" and whatever that book by Dr. Green was called (can't recall the name, and don't want to go and check right now).
The last book (sort of, really, there are more) I am reading is called "The Whole Soy Story" by Kaayla T. Daniel. A real eye opener. Everybody who still believes that soy is healthy for you ought to read it. They won't ever touch the stuff again after that. Unless they actually go to China and Japan and eat the real fermented soy foods there. Because what is sold here in America is not the real thing, and terrible for your health.
I am glad I now understand how they ferment soy. They cook the beans, mash them, mix them with a certain type of mold, and let it sit. When it's totally covered in mold and falls apart, they stir it and let it ferment for one to two years, after which they press it and package it. I think that's how they make traditional misoh.
I am highly allergic to mold, no wonder the one time I tried misoh soup in a Chinese restaurant (even though it was the fast-fermented, almost fake American version of misoh, I am sure) it made me sick.
A lot of soy products are fermented with wheat or barley. Another reason to avoid it.
Asians use fermented soy products very sparingly, as condiments or as an addition to their soups. NEVER as a meat substitute if they can help it. They know it is deficient in protein, and they eat it with pork or fish, unless they're too poor to afford those. Buddhist monks purposely eat a lot of it, because it takes away their sex drive. As in feminizing men, because of the phyto-estrogens in it.
So, guys, take note: You DEFINITELY don't want to consume large quantities of soy! Unless you are an aspiring Buddhist monk, that is.
In Japan the joke is, that Japanese women get back at their unfaithful husbands by slipping them extra servings of tofu. That ought to keep them out of trouble! I think a lot of vegetarian and vegan men in our society manage to keep themselves out of 'trouble' by eating a lot of soy products, in the mistaken belief that it is healthy for them.
Well, I guess that ought to keep the vegetarian population down, anyway. Sorry, if any vegetarians stumble across this blog, this is not meant as a put-down. But seriously, I really, really think that vegetarianism, but especially veganism is a very unhealthy life-style choice. Especially because of the high consumption of soy products by these people, but also because animal protein is essential to health.
Hey, I really like this blog. I can go on and on with my pet peeves and subjects nobody usually wants to listen to. Nobody is rolling their eyes, telling me they don't care and don't want to hear it. Blogs are very patient. I like that.
On Sunday our youngest daughter is having her first recital after starting voice lessons two months ago. She has an incredibly high, sweet, clear soprano voice. Her teacher adores her (she is the same age as his youngest son, so I mean adores her as a father figure would). They have fun together, and he always goes overtime with her, he has trouble stopping.
She is going to sing "Oh Holy Night", because it shows off her range, he says. I will have to remember to bring my camera (I have a terrible track record of forgetting it at home when going to important events), and take a movie.
I decided a couple of weeks ago, that since I have to be there anyway, I might as well try violin lessons (I have to pay my husband back for this month's lessons with my own money in January). I bought myself a violin a year ago, because I've always had this dream of some day playing the fiddle. But for too many years my hands were too uncoordinated and painful (because of fibromyalgia) to even consider taking lessons.
I tried piano lessons four years ago, and had to give up after less than a year. I actually did well, as I can read music and play the recorders. But after playing for less than half an hour, my hands and lower arms would ache so badly, and would keep on aching for nearly a week, that I ended up in excruciating pain that made me want to scream and it would keep me awake at night. As a result, I gave up because the pleasure of playing was outweighed by far by the fear of that awful pain.
But when the pain went almost completely away last year after discovering my food intolerances, and my hands greatly improved, I went and bought myself a violin on e-bay, along with instructional videos, books and C Ds. But after trying a few times, I soon realized that it is too difficult to teach yourself to play an instrument as complex as the violin. Especially because, unlike a guitar, it has no frets to show you were to put your fingers.
Okay, some people can do it. Like one of my brothers, who is a musical genius. But I am far from being a musical genius. I have some talent, but I'll never be great. I do expect to have fun, though.
Last week was my first lesson, with a cute little 18-year old girl as my teacher. She has red hair, too. She is great, even though she just finished high school, she already plays with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra. Wow, I can only say. A very patient and knowledgeable girl.
Now I can play "Twinkle twinkle little star". Sort of. In a sort of scratchy, halting way. I am a little disappointed, I thought I'd do better than that. Like making this simple song sound perfect after a week. I thought that was an attainable and reasonable goal. Ever the perfectionist, I guess. Oh well, I WILL persevere until I will actually enjoy listening to my own playing. That is one reason I am taking lessons, I can't just quietly 'forget about it' and put the violin away forever, because I've committed myself!
Last week, after my lesson, I went to the music store below the studio, and bought a fancy chromatic tuner. It makes tuning easy, because when your string has the perfect pitch, a green light comes on. And it shows you which way you're out of tune (either flat or sharp). Pretty cool (I just LOVE technology), and accurate. You don't have to rely on your 'perfect ear' for the right pitch.
So, the next day I tried it, and tuned my violin. Peace of cake, right? Well, it should have been. My E string (the highest one) was very flat. Not physically flat, but playing flat. Meaning, you tighten the string to make it right. So, I turned the peg. It didn't help. I turned it more, and more............... Suddenly there was a 'twang' and ................... the 'A' string snapped! Oops!!!!!!!!!!! I had been turning the wrong peg!
Well, I know I will NEVER turn the wrong peg again when tuning, I make very sure I am turning the right peg now. As usual, I am learning the very hard way how to work this violin. I always seem to learn everything the hard way, I don't know why.
I went and bought new strings the next day, and replaced the A string. The benefit of this exercise is manifold. Now I know which pegs to turn for each string, I know how to take strings off, and how to put new ones on (after a few wrong ways of doing it, I actually did it), and I am getting quite good at tuning. I just wished that darn instrument wouldn't be out of tune every time I take it out! I don't understand why it doesn't just stay tuned until the next day. It would make this whole thing a lot less work.
I got my babysitting job back. I was babysitting two little boys up to a year ago, but their mother had another baby last January, another boy. Now I am going to start babysitting all three of them the first week of January. I have no idea how I am going to do that, with my level of energy. I mean, those are three rambunctious boys, aged one, three and four! I was really hoping that my adrenal glands and thyroid would be well on the way of functioning right by now, and that it would be no problem.
I know I can make myself do it. But will it be helpful to my healing? Fortunately, it will only be part time, three days a week. And in their own home, I wouldn't even consider doing it here, for various reasons. I have no intentions of totally kid-proofing this house again. I will not acquire all the toys and furniture and equipment needed for such a venture. I would resent having my house turned upside down by a bunch of little 'hooligans', and having my privacy invaded.
I like putting them into their own beds/cribs for their naps, messing up their own house (I do tidy, but the deal is, that I don't do any cleaning unless I want to, because I don't have the energy), and I can LEAVE THEM AND THEIR NOISE BEHIND and go home when their parent gets home. And won't get reminded of little kids by crumbs everywhere, and little sticky things stuck on things and stuff like that at home. Here I have enough to deal with without things like that, it would put me over the edge.
I am doing it, because I need to have my own money. Money my husband cannot touch and has no say over. He is VERY controlling with money. He is obsessed with money, and is financially abusive (one of many different ways of abusing me). Now don't get me wrong. I love those kids, they are like an extra set of grandchildren. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to do it (no money in the world would make me do something I'd hate doing). The older boys adore me, and look forward to the days their mom is working, because I am coming! Last year, when one day the oldest (who was three then) saw his mom get ready for work, he said, "Yay, Ursula is coming today!" Rather than, "Oh no, Mommy is leaving us and going to work." So, she never feels guilty about working and leaving the kids with me.
I want to be able to buy whatever I want (like a C D or a book), and when my husband sees it, and says, "what did you buy that for, we can't afford you buying things we don't actually need", I want to be able to say, "It's none of your business, I bought it with my own money". I always like that deflated look on his face when I say that. Because there is nothing more to be said then, and he can't preach that 'sermon' he was going to preach on us losing our house if I don't curb my 'excessive spending' (really, it is totally not true), and we might have to do with one car (effectively grounding me, as there is NO public transportation in this rural area), which is a very effective threat, as it scares me to death, and he knows it.
I set up my own bank account several years ago, that he can't touch. He has no access to it. My oldest daughters think that is awful, as I 'ought to contribute to the family income' and put the money into our joint account. Why, so he will control my own money, and not let me spend it? That's what happened before, when I was selling Regal products. I never seemed to be able to do anything I wanted with my own money, as he treated it like it was his. In those days I was dreaming of taking riding lessons, and that was why I had that job. It never happened, as I'd never really have access to my own money. I finally resented that so much, that I quit.
My daughters of course put any money they make into their joint bank accounts. That is because they've got incredible husbands, who trust them, and they keep each other accountable (as in, not one-sided, one controlling the money and spending whatever he wants, while stopping the other from buying anything). It works for them. They don't understand, and don't want to understand. If I try to explain my reasons for things to them, they'll say, "I don't want to know, stop or I'll hang up on you, you're talking about MY dad here, and he is a great guy". Period, end of story. They don't want to know the truth. Ignorance is bliss, I guess. It makes me feel like I am all alone . I've resigned myself to talking with them only about things not too important to me, because it's useless, I've given up.
Well, so much for this episode of 'The great night owl, who'd much rather be sleeping'. I think my bowels have finally settled down enough to try going back to bed and sleep.
I can't believe I actually have a blog now! People think blogs are pretty cool. I hope that makes me 'hip' and part of the cool crowd.
So, I am worse today. I got to were I was giving up. Giving up on ever getting well, giving up on God pretty much, giving up on life in general.
As a result of that attitude, I didn't resist the new gluten-free section at my grocery store yesterday. Since I was there last, they have added a big cooler with cool gluten-free stuff , like Amy's pizza, and other stuff from Amy's, a whole lot of glutino, Schaer, Healthy Eating, Kinnikinnik, Tinkyada and other gluten-free goodies that I am INTOLERANT to. But I had the attitude of "oh well, I am so sick already, and after all, I won't eat anything containing gluten, and who cares anyway".
I bought some things without even reading the ingredients. Last night after my previous entry I ate four Kinnikinnik doughnuts. Pretty stupid, eh? Of course, the stomach cramps and diarrhea are much worse as a result.
The ingredients I shouldn't have had are: white rice flour, tapioca starch, whole eggs, palm fruit oil, pea protein, soy protein powder, soy lecithin, nutmeg, cinnamon. That's about three quarters of the ingredients. Yikes, I just decided to read them. I think I will send the remaining doughnuts to my daughter with the wheat intolerance tomorrow, when my husband goes to help her move.
That is something that has me upset, too. They are moving from being 'only' 1 1/2 hours away by car to being 4 1/2 hours away, south west from here. And that is in the opposite direction to our oldest daughter, who lives a 5 1/2 hours drive north east from us. So, now in order to see any of my grandchildren, I have to do major traveling, which is very hard for me with my low energy. I won't just be able to go and see that cute little Zoey on the spur of the moment any more, it will take overnight traveling now. It sure sucks.
I've done some major thinking while sitting in the bathroom for an hour this morning, and last night in bed while not being able to sleep. Satan is setting everything against me, and his goal is for me to give up. Will I actually let him win without a formidable fight? No way! I will keep fighting and doing my best to get well, and to be the best I can be for Jesus.
It is hard. Right now my husband's obsession seems to be to find literature (books, magazines, on the Internet) that shows that all physical 'ailments' are spiritual. And he will read those accounts of people who were really sick with cancer, or fibromylgia like symptoms, or aches all over etc., and that when those people 'turned to Jesus' and 'got into the word' and started to really pray, they were healed. And if I would just stop all this 'useless medical research' and would stop being on this forum and would rather read the bible and pray a lot, all my 'ailments' would just go away, and I should expect a miracle of healing.
One thing he fails to take into account is, that my 'ailments' are genetic, not something that nobody has been able to pinpoint a real cause for, like cancer and fibro. Also, those miracles are not common, and actually very few people get healed that way. He really has to search for these stories to find them amongst the many were God chose not to heal people.
Another thing is, of course, that he resents the money I am spending on doctors and treatments, to try and get well. That money could be better spent, in his opinion. He makes me feel like a horrible burden.
I used to be able to talk to our son. Not any more. He now has him turned against me as well, and got the kid to believe that he is the good guy in this relationship, and I just try to make him look bad. In fact, it appears that our son now believes that I am under the influence of demons as well. And of course, my husband seriously thinks he is perfect, a chosen vessel of God. Right. All he is, is a puffed up, hypocritical, phariseeical, fanatical and delusional, heartless jerk of a so-called Christian. A pillar of the community, looking good, with a heart of stone. He has deceived just about everybody, including our four oldest children. Only the youngest one sees through him. She told him point blank twice last week that what he was doing to me was abuse. Of course, he just laughs at her. Who will listen to a 15 year old? He claims she hates him right now, because, according to him, all teenagers say that, and it's normal. No, it isn't the normal way our girl is at all.
Right now I am reading a book with the title 'Waking the Dead' by John Eldredge. It talks about 'losing heart', and gives examples of people giving up and the reason for it. And how you can change your attitude to get out of that giving up mode. It talks about our Christian life to be a war against evil forces. It all makes great sense.
I got great encouragement from this book, it is very helpful.
I am not mentioning any family names (other than little children) here, so a google search won't find this blog when putting in certain names. I hope it works to keep me safe.
Talking about little children, my youngest grandson, who is two, is just really starting to talk. When I talked with him on the phone the other day, the kids were really supposed to be in bed. But he, his baby sister and his oldest sister were still up. When he wants to make a negative statement, he'll make a positive one, and just add 'no' at the end.
So, he told me, "Oma, Meghan is in bed. Emily is in bed, no!" I thought it was very cute.
Right now I am making myself something safe to eat. Even though I am sick, if I don't look after myself and cook for myself (doubled over in pain), nobody will. That is one of the reasons I gave in to temptation with the doughnuts. I was hungry, and too sick to cook. It's always been this way. Apparently, if I can't work and cook for the family, I am not worthy of being fed. I then better fend for myself. If I can't get up, I don't eat. It's the rare time that this isn't true.
But even if my family treats me like I am just a lazy hypochondriac, God knows it isn't true. That is what really counts. And I will stand on that fact, and not lose heart, and look after myself the best I can. No more eating stuff that makes me sick.
I finally discovered that I can have a blog here (yes, sometimes I can be pretty dense, I guess ). So, I decided to give it a try.
Why am I up in the middle of the night? For several reasons. One is, that I am a night owl, always have been, and always will be. Secondly, I am feeling terrible, with stomach cramps that will give me trouble sleeping. And thirdly, night time is the one time when I can be alone, without anybody coming to interrupt what I am doing.
Today (or rather, yesterday) was a very stressful day. I slept very poorly (and very little) last night, but had to get up early (for me early, anyway), at 8:30 AM, to get ready to go to my chiropractic appointment. Normally I see Darryl (my fabulous chiropractor) on Tuesday afternoons, but was too sick on Tuesday to go and had to change my appointment to today.
So, I dragged myself out of bed. Sat in the bathroom for half an hour with terrible diarrhea and stomach cramps. Good thing that the kids and husband were gone off to work and school, so I didn't have to suppress the moans. Darn, do I ever hate feeling this way. Plus, then I had to rush to have a shower and get ready. Had to sit on toilet again, and was seriously late for my appointment (okay, 15 minutes, I hate being late).
Darryl was very sympathetic (as always when I feel bad), and did his best to fix me up. I hope it helps.
I tried to do some shopping, but had to leave the store half way through, as I couldn't manage to keep going, I kept being doubled over with pain, and was feeling too weak. So, I have half of the things I wanted, rats. I guess I'll have to try again tomorrow.
After getting home I called my naturopathic doctor to check what time my appointment was, as I knew I had an appointment, but forgot the time. I was told I had no appointment. I was shocked! I KNOW I booked an appointment last time I was there, which was exactly two weeks ago.
After that appointment Dr. Ellis wrote out the little appointment card, saying, "is Dec. 14th okay?", and then handed it to me. Then he charged me for those expensive pills that made me this sick. He obviously forgot to put the appointment into the book. I am SO mad!
The receptionist was completely unsympathetic, and just kept saying that I DO NOT have an appointment, and that he can see me on Monday at the earliest. And I was just holding together because I thought that today I could see him, and he might be able to help me.
An hour later my husband called and I told him what happened, and how sick I was. And since I know I wouldn't be able to see my MD on short notice, either, I was stuck with no doctor until Monday. He suggested I go to the hospital emergency. But there is no way I will EVER go there again, unless I am seriously hurt, not after the way they treated me there last year. Who needs it, I'd rather try to deal on my own than being treated with disrespect and being treated like a joke.
I was so hopeful that Dr. Ellis would be able to treat my adrenal burnout and low thyroid. I should have known better than agree to take herbal supplements. I've tried lots of herbals before for the fibromyalgia, because they helped other people. But herbs inevitably make me worse, because they are super high in salicylates.
The symptoms slowly sneaked up on me, and I didn't recognize the cause. First the constant stuffy nose, and suddenly not being able to sleep without using Dristan nearly every night. Then my lips starting to get terribly dry, flaking and cracking, no matter how much cream, chapstick or vaseline I'd put on them all day long. Nothing I did could fix them, and I had NEVER had that problem before.
Then I started breaking out with little red pus-filled pimples all over my nose and chin. Next my right nostril started to be completely filled with this awful crust, which I kept removing so I could breathe and blow my nose, and treated with all kinds of creams, including one specifically for the inside of the nose. It was only getting worse. And then I started having ugly bumps all over my nose, sores in my ears and scabs on my scalp. Yikes!
Two weeks ago Dr. Ellis told me to double the dose of the adrenal and thyroid meds, because my temperatures weren't going up. That's when those problems were getting worse. I still didn't catch on. My temperatures were dropping! So, on Sunday (the 10th) I tripled the dose of the thyroid meds (which Dr. Ellis said should be done if doubling wouldn't have an effect). Meaning that I started with three a day, two weeks ago went to six, and on Sunday started taking three thyroid pills, two adrenal pills, two calcium/magnesium/vitamin D pill, and one multi-vitamin pill three times a day.
I HATE taking pills. That was a lot of pills! Now I got a terrible stomach ache after each time I took my pills, even though I always ate something right afterwards. I should have been smart and stopped, but didn't.
After doubling the pills my temps dropped a lot, and slowly went lower. After going to nine thyroid pills, my temps dropped sharply by the next day, to where my temps were so low, that the average temperature for the day was below 35 degrees Celsius. I still kept taking them that day, even though I was half asleep all day, and dragged myself around with having no energy at all.
By now I was itchy all over, had frequent migraines, joint pain, my hips and feet were aching so badly that I kept taking codeine at night to be able to sleep (something I haven't had to do for a year), and had diarrhea. I FINALLY got it (wow, talk about dense) and stopped taking everything.
My temperatures started going up again the next day, but I've had chronic diarrhea since, and terrible stomach cramps. Today one temperature reading (in the middle of the afternoon) was only 34.6 degrees Celsius, which is in the mild hypothermia range. Yuck.
Tonight hubby and I were supposed to go to somebody else's house for bible study (usually it is at our house), and I had looked forward to that. But I couldn't go, and went to bed instead.
The good news is, that in the three days I've gone without any supplements, my lips have gone back to normal, my nose is clearing up, I can breathe better, the rashes are going away, and my joints have stopped aching. If only my stomach would stop cramping, and the diarrhea would stop!
And of course, we are back at square one with the adrenal and thyroid problem. Plus, my stomach and bowels feel as bad as before I started on the gluten-free diet. It was a HERBAL bowel cleanse that put me over the edge into full-blown celiac disease last year in May. You would think I would have learned my lesson and stayed away from herbs! Darn, why do I always have to learn things the super hard way.
I will insist that I be treated from now on with nothing but PURE adrenal gland and thyroid gland extract, as well as iodine (it appears I am deficient in iodine), without any added herbs. They may be helpful for others, but are poison to me.