Oncologist doctors and Licensed Naturopathic doctors are still not respecting each other in this valley at least. Doesn't surprise me. I the client am in the the middle. It's like a tug-o-war game really. One person says this, another person says that. There is absolutely no reason under the sun why a oncologist doctor can not respect nutrition. There is equally no reason why a Licensed Naturopathic doctor can't speak with the oncologist doctor before referring a patient.
Yup. That's fun for me. I'm trying to explain things after being gluten-ed for a week by the wrong tea (my fault) and am messing up the words. It doesn't help that the oncologist doctor is of eastern origin and likes to verbally start conflict with female patients. Not cool in this country. I won't be seeing him after the CT scan.
This oncologist also said there isn't anything significant about celiac disease to be concerned about.
I assumed he was a moron and had not taken professional classes on celiac disease.
I don't like to switch physicians. The family practicing nurse could not handle all my health history. I filled out that stupid paperwork and answered TOO honestly about health history and that is OVERWHELMING for them. Simple, don't fill all the paperwork out. Don't tell them everything.
Another unfortunate thing is; gossip doesn't not know no bounds within the professional organization.
So when someone has labeled a patient a hypochondriac, it gets passed on. Or if a patient sees one doctor that talks to the radiology department, the nurses, or other physicians then the rest of the department hears of that one doctor's personal opinion of the patient. Not professional. If the patient wants to get a scan, let them. It's their health.
Oh wait...here is why. Said one doctor; "I don't have a legitimate excuse to get you a scan, it will make me look bad on the insurance company."
I the patient was going in for a scan of where my old tumor site is, I've never checked up on the tumor site and it's been 11 years. Now I'm having chest pain and fluttering, difficulty sleeping on my side again like when I had cancer. The doctor says "It's been too long, lymphoma wouldn't be your issue, being a stay at home mom is probably what's really going on, your just imagining your symptoms."
I think I need to report that oncologist. But I'm going to have mercy and let him do the CT scan. After that we'll see if he belittles me again. Then we'll see if I report him.
OTHER THAN ALL THAT....
My father-in law has asked his church for donations to help Matt and I with the bills. Out medical bills are getting pretty steep. The church, people we don't even know, have donated about a thousand dollars! WOW! So we are hoping to repay them some how. To say thank you more than just emailing a letter for the pastor to read. It's a Lutheran church so I'm not sure what's kosher. lol
I'm going in for a CT scan on the 19th.
I'll return to my Licensed Naturopathic doctor until we move.
We'll continue to boost my health and work with the information we have to help me be able to sleep on my side at night, maintain my diet changes and supplement anything that I'm lacking in so my body and repair better.
Not surprised. Nor scared. I may have cancer again. :P
I am going to go WHOLE HIPPY NUTS THIS TIME! BooYAA!
I'm allergic to pain killers: no surgery for me. Thank GOD!
I'm not interested at all in chemo or radiation again. Been there done that. They will want to bone marrow transplant, I will not tolerate pain killers nor that transplant without painkillers. lol
I am however FAR more aware of what to research, how much to supplement, how little and signs to look out for.
I DO have a Naturopathic Doctor licensed and NOT a quake to monitor what I choose to do nutrition wise.
Welcome, to the FIGHT! DING DING DING> IT'S ON! LOL
Cancer shall meet it's worst enemy..... ME! BWAHAHAHHAHA
Any-who, cancer is literally our own healthy cells becoming malignant (going astray/doing something they aren't programed to do by DNA). SO really we should care for our unhealthy cells. Treat them with the herbs, vitamins and minerals that are put here on the face of this earth in their best form by God Himself. I believe I will live as long as the good Messiah allows me to and I will be with Him when He wants me to. I'll just be more educated of the remedies available and be more responsible for the temple (my body) that He has given me.
I should have never SLACKED on my immune supports when first diagnosed with Celiac. That was the stupidest mistake, I was worried about the money>which is now being spent ANYWAY.
Lymph nodes going up my neck.
Nodule 9mm on the back of my right thyroid lobe. (Hard to palpate)
Unknown battle ground in chest cavity.
selenium 100mcg x2 each day. (breakfast, dinner)
Vitamin E 400 I.U. x2 each day. (To process the selenium better)
licorice root tea x2 a day. (helps with menstrual, adrenal and immune)
Intolerance Complex x3 each meal (for digesting more than just gluten)
Copper 2mg x1 each day (immune boost, oxygen to cells boost)
Ginseng Supreme complex x1 each day (energy)
multi women's vitamins (3 pills a day recommended on bottle)
Zinc 15mcg 1x day each day (my multi isn't enough for the amount of copper I'm adding) (10/1 or 30 zinc for 2 copper)
B12 (platelets not completely duplicating correctly-large platelets)
Alpha lipoic acid (nerve damage repair-absolutely needed because my celiac is causing long term nerve damage)
The little dude is 3 weeks and 10 lbs. already Which is fast. He's smiling, making valiant efforts at holding up his head and frowning at everything that is perplexing. Very cute stuff. So far he's breast feed 90% of a full 24 hours and the other is formula (similac "advanced" formula). The similac supposedly is suggested as a gluten free on this site by people who have looked into it, but the can does not say gluten free. I want to contact the company and get their word for it but others have tried and were given somewhat of a run around. But altogether, baby doesn't have bad reactions when similac is in diet. He is doing really well.
As for the circumcision, my husband and I wanted it done based on Biblical teachings which we respect, but we did not know there were three types of circumcision. We were refered to a pediatrition by someone who didn't know him and I unfortunatly didn't do my research! Pooies on me! So baby got the most invasive and frightening type of circumcision the Gomco method, which I hate, and was is such pain (even on three types of pain killers which I also didn't like to have him shot up like that) he screamed and tried to pull himself out of the restraints so badly that he passed out a few times. It was the most horrific thing I've ever seen done to a child and it was my own. I cried as much as he did, dady nearly passed out. But who cares how daddy felt, baby was totally two weeks old and going through serious tramatic pain. Worst decision and hopefully the last worst decision we will ever make for him. The Mogen style is the quickest and usually bloodless.
This is one healthy baby boy! After 11.5 hours of labor with a midwife and assistant watching closley, my husband and I had our baby boy in our arms!
He is 20 inches long, 7.14 lbs, and had a 14 inch around head! He came out healthy as a horse, nothing of concern! WOW Thank God! His little finger nails were even longer than mine (past his fingertips) which explains the scratching inside :S hehe
Our next adventure is nursing, major lack of sleep, and bonding with our baby boy Totally excited and happy about this, and I've finally got the womanly curves that I should of had years ago, just took a baby to get them. Booo-ya!
There are obivous reasons for me being tired; I have two kids under the age of 3, I'm a celiac, I've got hypoglycemia...yadda yadda.
There are not so obvious reasons; chest pain at night, ache down the arm, lymphnodes swollen up neck (Cat scan confirmed), noduel on thyroid (cat scan confirmed), scar tissue in left cerebral hemisphere (MRI scan).
My only concern is the swollen lymph nodes. The experience with lymph nodes was non hodgkins lymphoma.
I seem to be an angry bear when I eat or drink sugary stuff. My neck seems to swell up more too. I get a head ache or migrane or am generally not with it.
I had an frightening experience the other night, I don't know how it's related to the majority of the postings, but I woke up 2 hours after sleeping and the bone in my forearm was numb. The skin, the muscle was normal but the done inside was totally numb. The are ached real deep, so I just kept moving it like it were a normal numb foot or hand experience. After about a while it got better so I laid back down. I had been sleeping on my stomach with my head turned to one side. I don't normally sleep like that.
So...my diet has changed based on those responses. I'm cutting the sugar way down. The sugar I get is from the Silk brand coconut milk (original flavor). I eat fruit, have organic gluten-free corn flake cereal. I'm just really wowing you now aren't I. lol I sure miss sugar. But it does not make me feel better. Not at all.
gluten-free Women's NutriGold multi vitamins
Swason's copper supplements with vegetable glaze (glaze keeps me from throwing them up)
EnzymeScience Intolerance Complex
Country Life's Ginseng Supreme Complex
Vitamin K supplement when I need it
*I need to have a regular exercise. It needs to be every week so that my system has time to work out junk in my lymphnodes. Drinking water and stressing out around the house or sitting on my rear doesn't flush the system like exercise does.
Note: it is overwehlming to talk to doctors about my health history. They ask too many questions, I provide too much information. Makes for a depressing day for both people.
There is no instant cure. It takes time, experience, knoweldge and lots of prayer.
"Keep showing me Lord, I don't want to fall behind. You are my Great Healer, you'll get me there at the right time. Amen!"
With more thought to this entry; I'm going to look up some various things that could be linked to the experiences with sugar and the arm bone falling asleep as well as my exhaustion.
There is a possibility that I have leukemia. I'm appearing to have a majority of the symptoms except the blood test for white blood cell counts and the bone marrow test. I've had a bone marrow test back when I finished cancer treatments at the hospital, they warned me I would need to have a bone marrow transplant if I had to do chemo again. No thanks.
I'd like to do what I can that is provided here on the earth and trust God for healing if He desires to heal me. There could be greater reason for me to suffer and bear my cross than just "find a cure! panic..." that's just futial. What's the purpose of a story that's helps educate others and build their faith if everyone found healing from mankind in the hospital? Hospitals have not always existed, neither have doctors. God has. So let's utilize His healing power and seriously show up this world's view of "cure".
Obviously I'm not good at titling my blogs, lol, but the latest events of the Gluten Free struggle is what I'm posting here.
I've forgotten about my thyroid. Conveniently I'm sure, when I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma, I put off dealing with the nodules on my thyroid for years. It's been 9 years. I think I was hoping getting gluten free would cure them. But they have been super active, being I am easily swayed into stressing out over things and consuming sugar to supplement the need for energy and happiness. So those last two have changed. I no long consume mass amounts of sugar to cope for either energy drain or depression.
After having two kids and hormone failure, according to the natural path and laboratory blood tests, I noticed my neck would get a cold rush. My grandma who has had her thyroid operated on let me know that was a thyroid storm. I did some research through various websites that are trustworthy and then remembered I had had nodules that I never did anything about. Great. So here come the iodine drops. For a normal healthy thyroid they recommend one drop three times a day. I add one drop under the tongue if I feel the thyroid storm and if my neck feels like its swelling with pressure.
The pressure in my neck was getting strong enough to give me headaches everyday. My eyes felt pressure, my neck, my ear rang and my headache would sometimes turn into a migraine. I was one cranky mom. Burnt out by noon and exhausted! By nighttime I was aching for bed, fell asleep with the heater on my feet. But with kids, it's an up all night whenever they needed me. Kids cry from wet diapers, lots pacifier, tangled in their bedding, fall out of bed, thirst, hungry, night terrors, you name it. Not much rest for the weary. Not for mom's anywhere I'm sure.
So after 2 1/2 months of iodine drops, lowered sugar (very low sugar) except this last week (I splurged on gluten-free cookies) my headaches are down, ear ringing is down, pressure in eyes and neck are down, mood is better. Except when glutened of course. Never thought my thyroid would have such a different affect on me then celiac disease.
I am I search of a doctor who will get me an MRI, I figure I might as well check up on some other stuff as well as the thyroid, like the digestive system, the 'dead zone' where the tumor was in my chest (tumor was 4.5x5 inches). Might as well sweep the whole thing hahahah!
That's as far as I've gotten on this little issue. Hopefully I can see a doctor. The only thing I'm feeling concerned about for time frame is the lymph nodes swelling under my jaw line and a bit in my neck. I'm hoping it's just a cold going through but it might not be.
The only extras were the ones that I knew and tested before and still feel confident about; Silk coconut milk (for my calcium/magnesium/etc), CeliAct vitamins and my MRM gluten enzymes.
*I added my Rice cheese later, kept up with the Waluby Greek yogurt and drank water from the tap. Then the Rice Dream Organic vanilla ice cream.
There were slip ups of course:
#caffeine- I am totally allergic! Symptoms never fail.
# not rinsing off my mouth at night to get a drink of water (working off the fact that my husband goes to bed not gluten free and the pillows do roll about, meaning gluten is probably on my pillow, not to mention the million times I run my hands through my hair.) ;)
#not washing my hands enough while making pie crust and filling.
* Here's a good study for someone. "The proper method to gluten free baking preparation" ;) Get ALL your ingredients out on a clean counter first! Open everything second. Measure everything in proper bowls/containers third. THEN make sure your hands are super clean to touch ingredients raw. ?
I'm sure there is a better order but that's where I keep running into problems.
My gut is doing great on the basic diet with just a few trust worthies added.
Also changed my toothpaste from Tom's to Now Solution's Xili White and the mouthwash by them as well. Found on Amazon, not too expensive and is better for my teeth (got some trouble ahead for the teeth here). :S
My working environment is kids, and care taking. Exposing me to a furry of flying little fists at my face and making an elderly woman whole grain wheat toast for her snack. :s Yuckies! But oh well.
[b]W[/b]ith two kids to tend to, glutened by who knows what, and allergic to other stuff, I am finding it hard to survive. At night I have horrible nightmares, have had since I was a kid, but the glutening makes them worse. Also having heart palpitations, tightening, lethargy. Very tired all over as well. The last few weeks the glutening has damaged my gut and I guess I am consuming things that make it swell normally, so going to the restroom is defiantly difficult and painful. I'm loosing quite a lot of blood in doing so. Getting dizzy, light headed, weak, exhausted, out of breathe. SO I'm taking 5-7 drops of iron supplement the last two days and trying to rest, leaving the laundry and dishes until later. My hubby helps out which is AMAZING! But it's just too much to hear both kids screaming and I'm having to hold my head when I get up from the floor, etc. I really gotta nip this bleeding thing in the butt or I might not wake up in the morning. Sheesh!
Living in a small town on the border of more small towns, doesn't help with finding a experienced or educated nutritionist, naturopath, or GA doc. at all. The only nature path around here that sort of helped me likes to double charge for tests that they don't administer. There some weird paper work going around there and I just can't afford it.
Taking the CeliACT pills as prescribed, taking (laboratory tested) antioxidants in the evening, and MRM glutenzyme pills. Eating healthy, now and then I have my gluten-free LF icecream, peanut butter, agave nectar.
Still not sure what is going on. Been tested and told my a quack that I'm allergic to sugar, salt, some vegetables, some meats, milks, etc. She tried to scare me and keep me going to her without actually teaching me anything to care for myself. Not helpful. Fear factor doesn't work on me. Nice try.
SO at home, swollen, fighting cross-contamination, taking my pills and trying to rest. Hoping I pull out of yet another glutening.
Well, my sweet hubby and I had another baby, Surprise! its a girl. ? Yes, we didn't know until month 8.
Doctors told me she was in serious danger because I am Rh-, that is O- blood. I chose not to do the rohgam. It is protein based and I have numerous allergies including to pain meds. When I had cancer I had seizures while the nurse was giving me retuxin, which is animal proteins. I seizured twice on the table and they had already given me banderol. They pulled it out and doped me up with more pain meds than when they started. I begged God to get me through that one, I didn't want to die in a hospital. No thanks!
So, after having 3 miscarriages earlier before our first son, we had our daughter one month early. I made sure I found a doctor that would allow me to go as long as I could and wouldn't push me into pain killers or surgery or use harmful methods to get her out on his own timing. People do a lot of stupid things to force things along based on fear. Why not trust what God has in store?? Oh that's right...because they find that too hard to do.
So, at 32 weeks, the doc had me go to Spokane Valley hospital, or Rockwood (same building), where I had to still stand my ground about the pain killers. Nurses kept coming in trying to convince me that giving birth vaginally was hard, that I should have an iv because I'll get dehydrated and I might need oxytocin or antibiotics put in my system...blah blah blah. I kept thinking, ya know....God made a woman perfectly capable of giving birth. And life and death are in His hands. But I guess lawsuits aren't....people.
So, I refused pain killers, they try to put an iv in but I swear my veins crawled into a hole in the ground and they missed about 4 times. Then one nurse said, "I'm just going to give you a little numbing agent on the skin and we'll get this done fast." So without further ado, he numbs the skin and I pass out. Everybody is worried I've gone into labor. My hubby is like, "Uh no. She passed out. She's allergic to pain killers."
In comes a more experienced nurse, she woes me with personality and before I know it she's got the iv in and done.
Doctor was very kind, allowed me to express my opinions on the Pitocin (oxytocin), heard my allergy list and let me do what I needed to first before he would step in and say "Were coming up on a deadline." So up the stairs I marched with my husband, did nipple stimulation before we drove there for 13 hours (over three days) and various other natural inductions. Finally, I was beginning labor just not fully into it. In came a nurse, she wanted to hook me up to full time Pitocin. We argued the concerns and finally came to an agreement of 2 drops of Pitocin every hour. Two hours later...Bam labor.
Labor was normal but became difficult when we found out her cord was wrapped tightly around her neck to the point her heart was slowing way down during contractions. So...I had to breath and wait during contractions and push when I didn't feel like it. That was hard. But she was born after 9 hours of labor, taken across the room to the incubator and resuscitated. She was 5.13 lbs. Her bilirubin was really low for an Rh- baby and her jaundice was minimal as well but they worried when the bili went up to 12 (20's being dangerous. 30 being immediate blood transfusion). They took her and I in the ambulance the next morning to the NICU. My husband made it there before we did, driving his every calm and passive way that he drives. By the way the ambulance was mandatory, $2,500.
Anyway....She was in the NICU for 5 days total, I walked through 3 buildings the day after giving birth to get to her and nurse or bottle feed and to get back to the Ronald McDonald rooms that are free but come only on a waiting list. Let me tell you, they don't like people staying more than 5 days there. Our home was 2.5 hours drive away. Motels about such were expensive and not convenient for round the clock nursing! I'm in such physical agony from climbing stairs for two days, having my water broken twice which didn't work (tough little sack), three different antibiotics and labor with a small tear of course, that I'm nearly dead by the time I get my boobies to my little hungry girl in the NICU. Sheesh. Ran out of milk. Hard to eat healthy and gluten free in the darn hospital. My sweet caring hubby made me gluten free food in tupperware for the whole week. Even went home to get our son from the babysitter's which was giving him milk (he's allergic). Saving him from more diarrhea.
Now, I'm arguing with the nurses there, telling them I've got Celiac real bad and the best thing for my little girl would be breast milk if my body could keep up. But it can't. She's getting my immune system in the milk as well, which is the problem she's experiencing at the time. Finally, I just do what I know is best, Similac Sensitive at room temperature. Bam Jaundice is gone. Four days after that bilirubin is below concern. Finally we get to go home!
There was a serious lack of time for me to personally bond with my baby girl through all of this stress. Too bad rohgam has to be protein based. But with God's wonderful Grace, she was born fairly healthy, has plumped up to 15 lbs and is 4 months old now with all the gusto and vigor of her mother....oh my. This will be fun. I'm gonna put these kids on a gluten free diet and sign them up for soccer!
[font="Comic Sans MS"][/font]Honestly it's not so bad being pregnant. Minus the swelling from various foods or things I drink that I have been informed are gluten free. The baby is growing quickly, seems to have growth spirts like a normal kid does out of the womb. I swear, in one week, I went from 145-150 and stayed there! I thought the scale was broken, I put the scale in the goodwill pile...everyone else who weighted themselves on the scale came up normal. Darn it! lol But, from a very very helpful website about pregnancy, I have learned that the weight is dispersed among many vital components...not just fat. For example, by the time the baby is 9 months, he himself will be between 6-8 pounds. The uterus will be around two pounds after expanding to it's fullest. Didn't think about that one did ya? The extra blood in the woman's body, 1/3 more than her normal 5 liters (1.3 gallons). Woman do carry more water weight than me, woman and children have less than 5 liters probably due to our size and need (muscle mass/oxygen use). Anywho....blah blah blah, a pregnant woman does carry fat reserves for baby and mother to use. The baby gets top pick, so the fat and muscle and bone nutrients that a pregnant woman has is the baby's main source. So fat yes counts for weight, which I can tell by my giant butt that I'm stacking the reserves alright. Lol bah!
Also, added weight for a pregnancy woman would include the amniotic fluids that cushion the baby in the womb. Interesting, that's liquid which to me always seems to weigh more than it would appear. Then there's the placenta and cord, that thing could nearly be a pound or so and up to 9 inches long and like a one inch thick pancake. Then there's our good ole friends the breasts. Enough said, they will be pretty full and ready for baby by the ninth month. All that counts for weight. So there is a potential to gain a total of 34 lbs. I will be heavier (not fatter) than I have ever been in my life! WOW I started under weight due to celiac at a mere 118 lbs. Lets just say the pregnancy clothes don't fit all that great before or after the weight gain. Wonderful. I am glad I'm not a stick figure anymore, that part is true. But wow.
I can hardly hold back my excitement to get this little guy out of me and into some cute clothes and take him to the park where he can play with bugs and enjoy sunshine! It will be fun to have him a part of our lives. My husband is excited too, but he hides it well.
There is however a potential of mixing of the blood during birth. Hubby is positive and I am negative. So with this first birth, my immune system will recognize the positive RH factor of the baby verses my RH negative and the next birth will be totally dangerous supposedly. I am not willing or think I am able to take the RH shot. It is comprised of proteins and proteins and I have never met on good terms. There's the proteins in Retuxan that sent me into liver failure, it took three pain relievers/antihistamines to get me out of shock. That was not fun. Then there is the gluten protein chain (even though it's gliadin that is the issue) that my white blood cells react to, as well as regular proteins in everyday foods. It takes a while for my digestive system to break down and move proteins through, makes me very tired and often swollen. Even though it is gluten free meat, it does cause some swelling. I do believe that is an excessive reaction from my intestinal walls that really isn't necessary. So the shot, with donor blood and proteins, is a no go in my mind. I got red flags popping up all over the place whenever I think about it. I'm pretty sure my body has said no. So I am praying that the Lord guides me on this choice. Having one child is okay for my hubby and I. In the future we may change our mind, but the risk is too great for both baby and I, so adoption could be an option. Why am I rhyming?? lol
Back to College
Years later, yes it took years to get my brain back on track and cleared up from all that nasty chemo, it was back to art college! I will happily pay off these loans (all $64,000 worth) because I didn't come this far to be unhappy about my future as an artist! Granted I was still an imperfect person (in my mind), I still didn't like...uh correction, I still don't like the things I do or my weaknesses, but that is something God is still trying to teach me to let go of and let Him show me the beauty in. The second chance wasn't for me to make myself as perfect in His eyes, it was to allow me to be freely used by Him. My mind is no longer locked down to forcing myself into something I'm not. With many blessings and much progress later, I'd say we've spent more time together and less time fighting. There is no more Bob, if that's what your wondering. There is of course Celiac Disease, which will always be something to battle against, but nothing we can't handle. With a wonderful fiance, two adorable cats, a baby on the way and a Bachelor's in Media Arts and Animation later, I'd say things are looking pretty good. God bless ya with the hard times for the good times!
What Kind Of Doses?
Off to Rituxin and chemo we go. Mom and I zipped up to Seattle where the Cancer Care Center was. First thing we did was get a cheap motel because it's a two day process for the Rituxin and chemo session. Filled out surveys and realized that the cancer my family has had was hitting an all time low by showing up this early in a twenty-year-old's body. How rude. They asked if I wanted a port. Alarm bells went off in my brain, I'm thinking "No way, that would stretch tissues that are going to be damaged by all this and God knows how I twist and turn at night." Ports are direct tubes through the upper ribs to the main artery of the heart. I declined, I would take it all through my arm and leg arteries.Even thought I HATED needles!!! So you can imagine how this was a tough decision, however I was terrified of a port directly plugged into my heart, damaging tissues that would soon be bathed in more damaging chemicals and then radiated. The first four doses of Rituxin would be spread out over the next month. It would be Rituxin one day and the next day chemo, then home for a week. In between those two days, Mom and I planned to get a big pizza with artichoke hearts and everything on it. Yeah!
During one of the four Rituxins (I've totally forgotten) I had a sorta of reaction. I started spazzing out on the bed and turned blue and drooled on myself. I was like, "What is happening now?! Am I having a senior moment?" Later, years later I learned that that reaction was the beginning of liver failure. Yippie. The nurses didn't mention that. Mom had yelled for the nurse to get this tube out of her daughter and they did-reluctantly. They put in more pain relievers, two kinds into the drip to help with the allergic reaction and stuck that Rituxin right back in my arm. I don't think I ever hated people following procedure as much as I did them right then. The following chemos would be continued back home and they weren't a welcome experience either. Many churches had gotten word that my mother's only daughter who'd hadn't turned twenty one yet was going through chemo and not having great reactions. There were more churches praying for my recovery than I knew existed in the area. Bob (the cancerous tumor) was going to die!
There was a moment where I got super depressed and drank a lot of cheap vodka, the kind in the plastic container. Little did I know that cheap vodka is made from wheat. I think I was pretty idiotic looking back, but how would I have know I had celiac disease? Doctors didn't believe it was real. They hadn't tested me for it or researched it on their own! One afternoon, I felt the worst. I lay on the big couch flat as a board. My body stopped moving, my mind stopped thinking, and I stopped breathing. There was a very deep spiritual experience which won't be told here beacuse it is personal. Mom came home in the evening, I had been laying their since she left. She works 8 hours. I told her about it. It was my second chance to start believing in the Lord and TRUSTING Him more. More than the bottle of vodka, more than the fear of people hating me, more than my own strength and determination that usually got me by (in my mind), more than being an rejected as an artist.
Mom and I decided that that was the last chemo. There had been eight done, the four Rituxin included, and that was enough. Bob had shrunk to the size they needed in order to feel that radiation would kill him further. That doctor was NOT happy with my decision. If he could have his way, he would have forced me to do the rest of the chemos (4 or more :just in case"). There were a lot of crisp words said back and forth, but it was indeed "MY BODY". My Grandma just laughs at my determination, not in a bad way, she is proud. She says I'm still the General's Grandaughter. I miss my Grandpa, he was a great dad! I tossed my chemo wig, horrible black haired smelly used thing, into the goodwill and pulled those tubes out of my arms and went to school. Got my license in Massage Therapy and myself diagnosed with Celiac Disease by a natural pathic doctor, after realizing the pathology of Celiac Disease I was studying in Massage School was matching my symptoms exactly. Yeah for education! Boo to loans.
The Quick New Plan
So in Spokane at the doc's office, mom and I were informed that surgery would be the only option for something that was cutting my time short. The tumor was non-hodgkins lyphoma, 4.5x5 inches. Bob was gonna be lifted out (pffft by helicopter) by opening my chest, that's aka chainsaw to the chest method. Barbaric! I think I prayed my hardest right then and there. Feakiest moment of my life! The doc gave me a gown and said to get ready. I was like 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' in my brain. Mom was probably following up with the chorus. I couldn't stop praying,
Off to Portland
I was so happy and determined for so long about going to the college in Portlant that nothing was getting me down. I was like walking on clouds. Just before I moved out of state, I felt something very dark looming over me. It wasn't like the dark emotional waves that use to crash over me, it was out of my hands and coming toward me. I prayed about it but felt like I recieved an answer 'your going to experience this so be prepared'. On the drive to the college across state with my stuff packed, I felt it. A quick gripping pain in my chest. Mom was in the passenger seat and we were in the middle of a conversation. My chest hurt. Thought it was just a spasm, got a lot of those from scoliosis. Mentioned the pain to mom but I'd mentioned everything to mom. Kind of crying wolf as usual. She was concerned but I blew if off as I'm being paranoid again and we kept driving. At the new apartment complex we moved stuff in alright. Got settled but was totally nervous about the future roommates who hadn't arrived yet. Would they hate me? That's what I feared. They arrived. Younger and rude. I was Christian, they were not. They made sure I knew that they disaproved of Christians. I was quiet, they were not. Stupid stuff happened. I made eggs for breakfast in the morning which smelt bad to them. They pulled roomate tricks like leaving the tv on really loud or a movie that I wasn't willing to watch with them and then leaving the apartment after warning me never to turn it off. Toward the end they gathered in a little group like they were sixteen years old and hating on someone for being in their precense. Spent most of my free time walking around the city just so my chest would stop hurting, the pain flarred up randomly. It seemed to start with the stress of the move and the roomates. Walking was the only thing that helped. I was alone, depressed, stressed, and had a pain that wouldn't calm down. The only people that were around were the people at school and so far they weren't exactly close.
One night after coming home from a walk my chest was killing me! I couldn't lay any way without it squeezing the air out of me. My skin turned blue and I was loosing consciousness. I staggered out into the hall and looked at my 'evil' roomates and said
Up until senior year in Highschool, I did hurt myself, usually when I failed at something and or got too emotionaly distraught. I used objects or my hands to hit myself. One moody day I did successfully knock my jaw out of alignment, that hurt more than I thought it would. I vowed to God if He healed me I'd never do it again. The Chiropractor couldn't get my jaw realigned, I had waited too long to go see him. Hurting myself was wrong and didn't fix anything, obviously. Other students were depressed for various reasons and slit their wrists or did drugs at school. But nobody knew what I did. I beat myself up, thought it'd make me stronger or teach me a lesson. I was hurtful to myself, to the body God gave me, to the Holy Spirit inside. How was I going to get better and from what reasons?
Fast forward to the end of high school. Still thought people hated me. Still was "broken".
My Grandmother was a very strict and hard woman, not so much anymore, but back then it was difficult for her to accept that people weren't going to be the same as her generation. But anyway, against her wishes, I was not married by 18, had no children and chopped my hair off. I felt great! I was my own person! I decided what I felt like and I felt like being free of all of the family nonsense and my nonsense (if I could). I not only wanted to be a better person just for me, but I wanted to enjoy life andenjoy being around other people. Little did I know I couldn't 'chop' away my troubles. But I could begin to find out why I was broken and work on it, that I was sure of. Still didn't know I had allergies other than animals and hay-fever, which didn't take rocket science to discover.
After graduating I went to church events and began stepping out of my prison to meet people. Testing who I was and standing up for what I thought was right spiritually. There was a lot of prayer about finding a friend that I could help for a time and she the same for me. God brought me together with certain people and led to others. Things were spanning horizons, different people and their families, I was coming in contact with a lot of people. After that, things started to change in my mind about who I was as a person and who I was seen as in other people's eyes. I was tougher, not the broken weakling that I thought everyone thought of me (possibly paranoia right there). I could give advice, somtimes too much, but when it was needed it helped others. I could be angry, sad, happy, somber, whatever around other people and my own family would just have to live with it.The downward spirals of emotion that I fell into reapeatedly in the past soon gave we to my ability to spiral up. When helping others and praying for them, when discovering things about the world I lived in and about my own feelings and thoughts, I felt like I could be loved. Not to say that there weren't plenty of bad days, or months of struggle, because there were. But the adventure had to have those times in order to grow a character. I had hope now. I moved about 14 times, had about that many jobs or more. Meet boys, left boys, met churches and the non churched. Met myself in the lowest of times where my spirals tossed me for a loop, but there was always one I could count on. My Father was there.
I've had issues since I can remember. In kindergarten I remember thinking all the other kids hated me, that there was something seriously different about me, something wrong. These thoughts were most likely from my negative family, seemed to be passed down. I believed those negative things and it hurt. Then they sent me to chiropractors at age five for scoliosis, which I did have, x-rays proved that there were three curves. Could be debilitating if it wasn't controlled soon. There came newer doctor visits, family got concerned when I didn't grow like the other kids. Doctors couldn't figure out how I got so malnourished and how my vertebrae got chipped. Blamed the later on too low of calcium in the diet. I tried to have fun like other kids, but I just got too hyper or pushed things too far, then got hurt. Couldn't join sports, that was bad for my back, everything hurt. Mother was a teacher at the same grade school, that did not go well for me. Kids did not like her while in her class and they did not like me.
Step forward to maybe sixth grade, those negative thoughts about people hating me manifested into what I believed were demons harassing my mind. Joyous thoughts huh? A kid crying and shouting at herself, trying to fix what was wrong because nobody knew what was wrong. Why would anyone want to help a girl like that? Never occurred to me that food was the issue. Also never occured to doctors that a hormone imbalance was causing my anxiety, stress, nervous break downs, and paranoia. They didn't know anything. Dumb as mud. What was my diet like? Whatever Grandma amazingly whipped up in the kitchen like meatloaf or pies, or whatever mom bought cheap from the grocery store and microwaved which was usually Mac n' Cheese or nasty rubbery pork chops. It was quite the rich vs. poor eating. They lived pretty close to each other and they were very different people. I unfortunately was sick most the time. Sick from colds, flu's, indigestion, headaches, migraines, vertigo, and lovely sleep paralysis. Whatever was happening, I blamed me for not fitting in and being "broken". That too was another horrible thought that hurt me deep down, to call myself broken. Psychologically self traumatizing words hurt the most actually. They didn't know what to do, said I was too hyper and I made myself sick or I ate too much candy (which made me feel better, so I was scolded for doing something that made me feel better). Well, I just chalked that up to being 'my fault' on my long list of what was wrong with me. I rebelled at school, visited the principals office and the center where kids were taken out of class to "study" and chill out, more times than I was allowed. They couldn't get rid of me, I was a teacher's daughter.