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Need Some Advice
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My boyfriend and I had a heart to heart last night. He is gluten free; I, technically, am not.

 

Here are some of the details:

We talked about how I eat gluten-free when I don't need to. He mentioned that I actually enjoy it, which I do, because I feel like I'm "closer" to him that way. My main reason for that, I think, is because I can enjoy meals with him when otherwise I can't. I even gave him an example of sharing a dessert, which I loved doing. (He doesn't share food very often, even dessert.) He says that he doesn't like bringing attention to the fact that he's gluten-free when he's almost always the only one around who needs it! I feel like that is attention in and of itself. But then when I start actively trying to eat gluten-free, somehow that is worse. I guess I need to stop bringing verbal attention to it, stop calling it by name. Maybe that's the problem? He definitely never mentions gluten-free unless a situation comes up when he has to.

We've been reading this book by Deborah Tannen called You Just Don't Understand, and it details how women tend to think in communities, which is probably why I feel eating gluten-free together would be a better thing. Men tend to think in hierarchies; one is one-up, one-down, or equal to another. It's not that he has a choice whether or not to eat it or to like it, so perhaps he feels "one-down." He said that he feels "weak" and "vulnerable" when I purposely eat gluten-free. But in the future, when we have our own house, I want to be able to make the same meals. It would be stupid, to me, to make two separate meals that we would eat at the same time. Not to mention, slightly dangerous due to cross-contamination. Yes, there would be ways to prevent that. But I don't want to take those steps. I want those steps completely removed from the picture because wheat and gluten would be removed. I can't explain why I feel so strongly over this. But it is something that is very important to me. Yes, the groceries are more expensive. But why can't we just get certain things we need and then get a little more of that instead of getting two of the same item, one gluten-free and the other not? And it's not like we have to get solely breads, crusts, flours, etc. We could get meats, vegetables, fruits, etc. that are naturally gluten-free. That is what I don't get.

I love him. I want him to be healthy. But all he sees in this "act of love" is that I'm making him weak and vulnerable, more so than he apparently already feels.

 

I just don't know what to do... Does anybody have any advice? Am I right? Wrong? Is there even a right/wrong to this?

 

Please help!!

 

(I really hope that mess of a paragraph makes sense.)

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Wow...Maybe don't get married until he comes can accept his Celiac Disease? Obviously, you have to wonder about someone who wants to date/marry a person they think makes them feel bad about themselves.

 

My hub and my kids usually eat gluten-free meals with me.  Why should I spend the extra time and effort to make 2 different meals?  Why does he want to make it harder on you? 

 

Honestly, this seems to be his issue, not you.  Until he can accept what he has to do to stay healthy, he's not ready for any partner commitments.

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Thank you for replying to me! I never saw it that way.

 

I don't think he sees it as "making more work for me." I don't cook much, or really at all. (No kitchen of my own.) I wish I knew how he does view this, but all I know is that he gets kind of defensive about it on "sushi night" when we go out with friends. I try to separate the ones he can eat with the ones he can't by requesting that they put them on separate plates but that doesn't stop all the problems, only a small one. The face he makes when I do that though, I just have to sarcastically apologize for loving him. One of our friends even said, "It must be tough having someone care about you."

 

You're right though... He does have a huge insecurity with this. But I definitely can't break up with him over something like that, especially after 3 years. Maybe there's something else to it besides him feeling "weak" and "vulnerable" because I eat gluten-free too. I just don't know how to get him to discuss all of this with me. I kinda wish I could just start that conversation last night back up again.

 

Any other insights?

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He's a grown-up. he is capable of ordering his own food.  He is capable of deciding if he wants to order his food gluten-free or not.  If he chooses not to, see my first sentence.  You can't make him eat gluten-free by ordering his food, etc. 

 

Maybe this is a control issue for him?.  Maybe he is immature?  Maybe its something else?  You could look at it like "At least I didn't waste 4 years on him".  Not that I'm saying you need to break up.

 

I'm betting its a control issue.  Maybe you are taking too much control of his food?  Maybe other parts of his life, too?  Let him order his own food.  You order yours.  If he gets sick, "Sorry you didn't order your food gluten-free.  Call me tomorrow when you feel better".  Let him grow up and suffer the consequences and learn from it.

 

Something to think about.

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how long has he been gluten-free?  it's a huge lifestyle change, you are right:  women handle things in communities - here you/we are talking about it ;)  i think if he is pretty new to the diet, maybe he needs time to come to terms with the changes.  until he can 'own' it.  if he is celiac/ncgi it's a lifetime commitment - always gluten-free, never any gluten again.  it's an absolute, and i think men have more trouble accepting absolutes?  does that make any sense?  three years - you must like him a little lolz :)

 

edited to add:  maybe send him here so he can meet others of his 'species' lolz

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I dated a guy once who had lost a leg in a motorcycle accident. If I opened a door for him he would get mad and say, "I'm not helpless!" But if I didn't get the door for him he would say, "I've only got one leg you know, why don't you help me?" I think that sums it up pretty well. Your boyfriend wants your help and attention, but when you give it to him it makes him angry because he doesn't want to appear weak in your eyes OR in his own.

 

I suggest you just continue being yourself and if he confronts you about it again, explain that YOU need as much consideration as anyone else, and that for him to ask you to NOT be "nurturing" would be like asking you to stop being WHO YOU ARE.

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I don't think I've ever ordered for him. I have reminded him at the beginning of our relationship once in a while cause he'd forget to say it. But I don't do that anymore. I just try to separate the sushi as much as I can. If you think that might be part of why, I'll definitely work to stop doing that. If he eats gluten, I guess I'll just be supportive and let him live ad he will. Maybe I am the one who is trying to control it! I wonder if I'm the one who feels left out...

He was diagnosed with celiac disease I think when he was 21, before I met him. He's almost 26 now. I know when we first got together, he was more insecure, and I kinda thought he felt better about it now since I hadn't heard about it for a while. I guess I need to stop trying to control it for him. But would it be considered controlling it when I want him to be safe in his own kitchen? Is that an unattainable dream for me to have, maybe even something he will resent? He doesn't seem like he cares about the kitchen because his aunt has shared a kitchen for years and was gluten free before people really knew about celiac disease.

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@bartfull Thank you for the example! That does make sense. I'll keep being me, but I'll try to give him his freedom too. :)

Oh, and I can try to get him to join, but I'm not sure how big he is with forums. I'll see what he thinks though!

Thanks for all the help, everyone! Any more help will always be appreciated!

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I am the wife and mother of three with celiac, and we have a gluten free home (I only eat gluten at restaurants). So I have a sense of your dilemma. Sometime my husband orders things fried with gluten, and he ends up payin the price later. The part that might be helpful in terms of a reframe was that If you wanted him to be weak you would have him eat gluten, as that is what it would do. You love him. You want him to be healthy so you can be together for a long time. Easiest way is to be gluten free too when you are together. If he can't see that it is a sign of love on your part, maybe he needs to speak to someone who can help him come to terms with his celiac.

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You could also mention that if you eat gluten he could get sick from just kissing you unless you brush your teeth really well first, and that you want to be able to kiss him spontaniously.

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 I've been trying to figure out how to politely respond during the majority of my daughter's bedtime.

I'm sort of at a loss.

 

Your boyfriend is acting like an immature child.  If he can't accept that something that makes him different is going to make him different, well... he needs to grow up.  Don't get me wrong - I realize that isn't easy.  But five years?!  He's had to deal with this for five years and he still can't find composure and confidence in stating his basic needs clearly and without embarrassment?  Yeah, I do call that a hold-off-on-the-wedding sort of red flag.  (Maybe not a dump-the-guy-already red flag, but still a red-flag.)  If he can't graciously handle someone doing something small for him - and for themselves ('cause having a gluten free kitchen makes YOUR life easier too) - then he is acting like an immature child.  And if he was new to celiac, or much younger, I'd cut him more slack.  But he's not, and he's not.

 

You made this statement: "He said that he feels "weak" and "vulnerable" when I purposely eat gluten-free." And while it may be true, it is not your fault that he feels these things over a valid choice of yours.  Your choosing a particular food does not actually make him anything.  It's your own choice.  Would he feel weak and vulnerable if you ate ice cream?  If you ate a salad?  If you ate a grilled steak, with roasted potatoes and veggies?  All of those things are gluten free.  It's ridiculous for him to blame YOU for his own personal response.

 

You write: "The face he makes when I do that though, I just have to sarcastically apologize for loving him. One of our friends even said, "It must be tough having someone care about you."" Apparently, he's passive aggressive too.  (But hey, you're being passive aggressive in this situation as well, as are your friends, so it all rounds out, right? :P)  He sounds *deeply* insecure about a basic part of himself.  And, I don't think that conversations between the two of you are going to magically snap him out of it.  So, and I realize this sounds like a leap, and I could be reading between the lines, but if this really has been going on for three years, I'd encourage you guys to go to couples counseling so you can get tools for productive discussions and problem solving as a couple.

 

And, speaking as a woman married for 11.5 years, I don't think it's really entirely "controlling", to be doing something other than just letting him gluten himself and letting him be.  Maybe it's because we have a kid now too, but if you're in a committed relationship, you aren't *just* an individual, you are *also* part of a dyad (a single thing made of two).  His choice to get glutened and feel like crap DOES affect you - it affects your emotional life (especially if he gets moody when glutened), it affects your relationship (especially if he's going to pull the "don't tell me what to eat - why didn't you stop me from eating that" crap), and it affects your social/active life (if, for instance, you have to cancel plans because he's not feeling well enough).  It's not that you each get to control each other (one end of the spectrum), or that you can't offer any guidance to each other either (the other end of the spectrum), but there is a middle ground where you both have influence over each other, and you both have the responsibility to support each other.

 

Anywho... that was long winded.  You guys have stuff to work through.  He has stuff of his own to work through.  Be patient and gentle with him, but don't do yourself disservice either!

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My boyfriend and I had a heart to heart last night. He is gluten free; I, technically, am not.

 

Here are some of the details:

We talked about how I eat gluten-free when I don't need to. He mentioned that I actually enjoy it, which I do, because I feel like I'm "closer" to him that way. My main reason for that, I think, is because I can enjoy meals with him when otherwise I can't.

But all he sees in this "act of love" is that I'm making him weak and vulnerable, more so than he apparently already feels.

 

I just don't know what to do... Does anybody have any advice? Am I right? Wrong? Is there even a right/wrong to this?

 

Please help!!

 

(I really hope that mess of a paragraph makes sense.)

 

I don't think that you're the one making him feel weak and volnerable, I think he's the one doing it to himself.

 

I think it's nice of you to eat gluten free with him when you don't have to. We both generally eat gluten free except on pasta nights. My darling wifey will make me my own seperate pasta after she makes hers. We use the same sauces. It not a big deal.

 

If you want to eat gluten in front of him, then eat the gluten. If you're good with going free, that's even better and it's his bad if he has a problem with it. Tell him to shut up and eat his dinner.

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Wow! So much to reply to! :)

 

You love him. You want him to be healthy so you can be together for a long time.

 

This is awesome. I never could figure out exactly how I wanted to word that, but that's exactly how I feel!

 

I am wondering (and this is directed at anyone who wants to answer), if one or more of your kids were not celiac/gluten intolerant but possibly had the genes, would you introduce them to gluten or have them be gluten free from birth? This is something I've talked to my boyfriend about before, and he's even brought it up on his own, and when I tell him they can be gluten free, he almost seems to feel guilty about it, perhaps as if he shouldn't be making that call when 1) they're not born yet and 2) they might not even get affected by it. But when we do end up having kids, it will be the same issue all over again--should I prepare multiple meals even though our kids could be celiac? I'd prefer to just feed them in a way that won't have a chance (supposedly) of hurting them, AND my kitchen could stay completely gluten free.

 

You could also mention that if you eat gluten he could get sick from just kissing you unless you brush your teeth really well first, and that you want to be able to kiss him spontaniously.

 

Is this actually true??? I thought about this early on in my relationship, but I don't remember whether I ever found any evidence of this being the case. Do [some] people eating gluten free due to health reasons feel sick after kissing their significant other who eats gluten? I'd love to know! It seems my boyfriend either doesn't respond to small amounts of gluten or he just doesn't tell me.

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 I've been trying to figure out how to politely respond during the majority of my daughter's bedtime.

I'm sort of at a loss.

 

Tiffany, right? (Your signature.) It's totally fine! Honestly, I've been trying my best to make sure my responses haven't been insulting or anything. And actually, your post made me laugh! So I'm glad you replied as you did. :)

 

You made this statement: "He said that he feels "weak" and "vulnerable" when I purposely eat gluten-free." And while it may be true, it is not your fault that he feels these things over a valid choice of yours.

 

I'm so glad to hear that this makes valid sense to others who eat the same way he does!! That's the entire reason I came here to share my experiences. I hope he will come to understand it too, whether through therapy or just seeing how awesome I am. ;)

 

He sounds *deeply* insecure about a basic part of himself.  And, I don't think that conversations between the two of you are going to magically snap him out of it.  So, and I realize this sounds like a leap, and I could be reading between the lines, but if this really has been going on for three years, I'd encourage you guys to go to couples counseling so you can get tools for productive discussions and problem solving as a couple.

 

I have thought about doing couples counseling as well. The only trouble is, I'm not sure how to bring it up. He'll probably do it with me though, if I ask.

 

if you're in a committed relationship, you aren't *just* an individual, you are *also* part of a dyad (a single thing made of two).

 

My boyfriend brought up this point as well, when talking about whether I should go back to get my Master's now rather than wait a year, as I was planning. What decisions I make affects him now, as do the decisions he makes affect me. If only I had thought to mention the bit about how things could affect our relationship, etc. during that conversation about my Master's!

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If you type "kissing" into the search box you will find plenty of threads, such as this one: http://www.celiac.com/gluten-free/topic/100045-first-kiss/?hl=%2Bkissing#entry855186

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I don't think that you're the one making him feel weak and volnerable, I think he's the one doing it to himself.

 

I think it's nice of you to eat gluten free with him when you don't have to. We both generally eat gluten free except on pasta nights. My darling wifey will make me my own seperate pasta after she makes hers. We use the same sauces. It not a big deal.

 

If you want to eat gluten in front of him, then eat the gluten. If you're good with going free, that's even better and it's his bad if he has a problem with it. Tell him to shut up and eat his dinner.

 

I think all the responses were from other women, so hearing from men is awesome. :)

 

I'm glad everyone is implying that I'm not completely crazy. I do tend to eat gluten free even when we're at restaurants unless it gets difficult to order it, like at restaurants with no special gluten free menu. But the reason for ordering gluten-free when I can is mentioned below!

 

I'm glad to hear that making two separate meals once in a while isn't a problem. Actually, his parents have made spaghetti sauce and their pasta and told him to make his own pasta when he was still living with them, so I guess it's not that bad. Even so, I don't think it's something that I want to do. I really prefer the idea of having our kitchen be safe for him, so he doesn't have to worry (okay, so I don't have to worry) about cross-contamination at home as well as at restaurants. I will definitely take that last bit of advice though, when needed!

 

If you type "kissing" into the search box you will find plenty of threads, such as this one: http://www.celiac.com/gluten-free/topic/100045-first-kiss/?hl=%2Bkissing#entry855186

 

Sweet! I'll take a look at those. Thank you! :)

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Tiffany, right? (Your signature.) It's totally fine! Honestly, I've been trying my best to make sure my responses haven't been insulting or anything. And actually, your post made me laugh! So I'm glad you replied as you did. 

:)

 

Oh good!  'Cause I can't always tell after a long day. :)

 

 

 

I'm so glad to hear that this makes valid sense to others who eat the same way he does!! That's the entire reason I came here to share my experiences. I hope he will come to understand it too, whether through therapy or just seeing how awesome I am. 

;)

 

Maybe I'm more sensitive to the idea at the moment since I have a toddler/preschooler (3-yr old), and that teaches you SO much about yourself.  My daughter can do things that "make me angry", but it's really my own choice to get angry about them.  She can do things that "make me impatient", but it's really my choice to get impatient.  She can do things that "make me sad", but really it's my choice to get sad.  All of the things she does, she has a reason for.  Yeah, it's a 3-year old's "reason", but to her, it's still a reason.  And it's only my own expectation of what she *should* do/say/think/whatever that really causes my negative behavior.

 

And I totally think the same is true of adults.  My husband is slow to move in the kitchen.  Just takes forever to get out of my way when I come barreling in to wash something or cook something or what have you.  But the only reason I expect him to move quickly is because I am moving quickly and feeling impatient.  He's not, so why would he move so fast with the same demeanor?  He wouldn't, and because that's what I *want* him to do, though there is really little need (hey, we're passing each other in a tight space, it doesn't take very long regardless of how slow he moves!), I get annoyed.  But that's my own choice, because I had silly expectations.

 

I think your boyfriend has the expectation that you eat gluten filled foods, so when you don't, you violate his expectation, and that makes him mad.  Because it relates to something personal, I might even go so far as to say it violates his expectation that "normal" people must eat gluten because that food is "better", and he thinks you're being "abnormal" just for him.  (Really, you make this decision because YOU want to.  Not because he forced you. If you're not making the decision for yourself, then I might be concerned, but you don't seem to imply that you feel pressured into it at all and it's of your own free will.)

 

 

 

I have thought about doing couples counseling as well. The only trouble is, I'm not sure how to bring it up. He'll probably do it with me though, if I ask.

 

Personally, I think this is the sort of counseling not where you "fix a problem" but where you build out your toolbox for understanding and communicating with each other.  It's a "I want some help learning from someone more knowledgeable than I about communicating my thoughts and feelings to you and how to listen to yours.  Let's learn these things together!" sort of thing to me.

 

 

 

My boyfriend brought up this point as well, when talking about whether I should go back to get my Master's now rather than wait a year, as I was planning. What decisions I make affects him now, as do the decisions he makes affect me. If only I had thought to mention the bit about how things could affect our relationship, etc. during that conversation about my Master's!

 

It's a tricky, convoluted thing that is hard for everyone to navigate.  It's part of a life journey?  There's no reason not to bring it up.

(We're in the middle of trying to figure out whether or not to have a second kid.  If that isn't a question that affects us both but we also have to answer for ourselves, I don't know what is.  Oh, it is hard!!)

 

Good luck!  I think you are doing a great things, and with time, patience, and a gentle touch, you guys can hopefully get through it.

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Maybe I'm more sensitive to the idea at the moment since I have a toddler/preschooler (3-yr old), and that teaches you SO much about yourself.  My daughter can do things that "make me angry", but it's really my own choice to get angry about them.  She can do things that "make me impatient", but it's really my choice to get impatient.  She can do things that "make me sad", but really it's my choice to get sad.  All of the things she does, she has a reason for.  Yeah, it's a 3-year old's "reason", but to her, it's still a reason.  And it's only my own expectation of what she *should* do/say/think/whatever that really causes my negative behavior.

 

And I totally think the same is true of adults.  My husband is slow to move in the kitchen.  Just takes forever to get out of my way when I come barreling in to wash something or cook something or what have you.  But the only reason I expect him to move quickly is because I am moving quickly and feeling impatient.  He's not, so why would he move so fast with the same demeanor?  He wouldn't, and because that's what I *want* him to do, though there is really little need (hey, we're passing each other in a tight space, it doesn't take very long regardless of how slow he moves!), I get annoyed.  But that's my own choice, because I had silly expectations.

 

I think your boyfriend has the expectation that you eat gluten filled foods, so when you don't, you violate his expectation, and that makes him mad.  Because it relates to something personal, I might even go so far as to say it violates his expectation that "normal" people must eat gluten because that food is "better", and he thinks you're being "abnormal" just for him.  (Really, you make this decision because YOU want to.  Not because he forced you. If you're not making the decision for yourself, then I might be concerned, but you don't seem to imply that you feel pressured into it at all and it's of your own free will.)

 

That's a great mindset. I hope I remember that when I have kids of my own--and even in my life now!! It's hard sometimes, but I guess no one ever really told me, "Life is so easy!"

 

My boyfriend does feel that way sometimes. For example, at his mother's birthday dinner Saturday night, his aunt came over and asked to have a gluten free brownie even though she can have gluten. He asked her, "Are you sure?" as if it was silly to want to share such a thing. He does that sort of thing all the time. We were at the zoo with friends yesterday and his friend ordered a funnel cake. Over time, it was discussed that the monkeys we were about to see couldn't have any funnel cake and his friend said that life without funnel cake is a sad existence, forgetting that he was gluten free. My boyfriend responded that he couldn't have any, implying that perhaps his existence was sad. I couldn't let him make himself believe that so I interjected before the implication was verbally made and got a kiss out of it. ;-) What's even greater about the two of us being gluten free together is that I can find a pancake mix that we like and a deep fryer and enjoy our own funnel cakes! It may not be as fun as getting one when we're out, but at least he can enjoy such things at home. :)

 

It's just so funny to me that he makes gluten free out to be so bad, and yet we can make anything gluten free that is typically made with gluten, and it usually tastes delicious. If we're lucky, I can't notice a difference at all! I'm gonna have fun learning my way around the kitchen. ;-)

 

Also, don't worry about that at all! It's all me wanting to be gluten free. I love my boyfriend and I want to be sure that he's healthy and safe, especially at home.

 

 

Personally, I think this is the sort of counseling not where you "fix a problem" but where you build out your toolbox for understanding and communicating with each other.  It's a "I want some help learning from someone more knowledgeable than I about communicating my thoughts and feelings to you and how to listen to yours.  Let's learn these things together!" sort of thing to me.

 

That makes sense. I'll be sure to word it that way! There's always room for learning how to communicate better. :)

 

Hopefully that little bit of story there wasn't too bad. I like anecdotes. Always have!

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It seems like maybe you suddenly started paying more attention to his issues with gluten and making it more of a priority in your life because you're thinking ahead to the life you two will be sharing. I'd be freaked out and snappy if I were him. First of, obvious you're starting to look more long term which forces him to look at it too. Secondly, the way you go about it prob makes him feel like you're trying to "fix" him or normalize it. Third, you're prob talking it to death with him. Don't keep talking about it jut do it. Don't make a big deal about it and don't freakin mention the disease. If you're going out to eat say gluten free like not a diet but ill actually get sick from it. If he isn't capable of saying these things for himself by now he needs to learn how to be and it's very possible he was just getting to that point when he felt like you were taking over. Having an advocate for you is fantastic but when it comes down to it the really empowering thing is knowing that you can do it alone. Mistakes are a part of the process, don't correct him in front of the waiter, point it out to him once the waiter leaves and let him correct the situation. Let him talk to you about it and ask questions. He's had this going on longer than you. He wants for you to come to him before telling him what you read somewhere else. Don't treat him like a child and he won't act like one.... Unless he eats gluten... Then he might lol, but do your best to ignore it and he'll prob feel like a dumbass a few days later and be super apologetic.... Kudos for bein proactive you're doing everything everyone wig celiac wants someone to do but it's a choice for you out of love and its not for him. It's terribly difficult being the broken one a saint is in love with ya kno? Allow him his mood swings. If he's been doing what he's supposed to do for health and he was insecure about it then its prob hard for him to have you waltz around makin that shit look easy and being so knowledgable. This stuff is overwhelming for those of us with foggy brains and aches and pains who love pizza and funnel cake. It takes us a while and it's hard to see someone else just get it when they don't even have to. I hope that wasn't insulting cuz kudos really but don't overtalk it with him.

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I don't know if OP is still reading this thread. There are a lot of good responses.

 

You are correct, if you go gluten free with him, and you marry, things will be a lot easier. But he has an emotional issue with this and I think it has something to do with boundaries. If you go gluten free "for him", this is not a position he can trust. He wants you to be you. If you make this major life change he needs to know it is real and will be permanent. The only way that will happen is if you want to be gluten free for your own selfish reasons.  (EDIT: this sounded bad when I reread it, I don't mean bad selfish, I mean good selfish, as in reasons that are genuinely for your own benefit, not his.)

 

As far as I am concerned, your potential future children are selfish reasons enough. I am not of the belief that it's okay to eat gluten "until" you get Celiac Disease. From my own life, I suspect gluten has been making me sick since I was a small child, but very insidiously. Not necessarily ways that will be caught in your child. It made my own children sick in ways that were never caught as Celiac or gluten related but in retrospect, clearly were.

 

Man was not really meant to eat grains, and you could do worse than having a low-grain, gluten free lifestyle to give your children the best nutritional start. Do some researching on these matters and come to this conclusion on your own, completely aside from him. Disconnect your gluten free diet from him. Make it so even if you broke up, you will remain gluten free for the sake of your future children whomever you have them with. And of course if you stay with him, your kids automatically have a good chance of getting his celiac gene. YES, it certainly does benefit someone with that genetic tendency to be gluten free from birth!

 

If you eating gluten free along with him makes him feel "weak", he needs to get over that. He feels he is rare and sick but he needs to learn up a little on gluten and the human race. He is only the tip of the iceberg.  All the obesity around him in young people, the early onset diabetes, it's all connected to wheat and carbs. It makes him feel like you are treating him like a "sick" person, and catering to him, when he does not want to be treated that way. I can understand that. You need to quit doing it "for him" altogether. And he needs to quit viewing himself as sick or inferior as a man. He is actually quite normal. It is the last 10,000 years of us eating grains that is abnormal.

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