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Need Some Advice


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19 replies to this topic

#16 apislaeta

 
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Posted 28 July 2013 - 06:03 PM

I don't think that you're the one making him feel weak and volnerable, I think he's the one doing it to himself.
 
I think it's nice of you to eat gluten free with him when you don't have to. We both generally eat gluten free except on pasta nights. My darling wifey will make me my own seperate pasta after she makes hers. We use the same sauces. It not a big deal.
 
If you want to eat gluten in front of him, then eat the gluten. If you're good with going free, that's even better and it's his bad if he has a problem with it. Tell him to shut up and eat his dinner.

 

I think all the responses were from other women, so hearing from men is awesome. :)

 

I'm glad everyone is implying that I'm not completely crazy. I do tend to eat gluten free even when we're at restaurants unless it gets difficult to order it, like at restaurants with no special gluten free menu. But the reason for ordering gluten-free when I can is mentioned below!

 

I'm glad to hear that making two separate meals once in a while isn't a problem. Actually, his parents have made spaghetti sauce and their pasta and told him to make his own pasta when he was still living with them, so I guess it's not that bad. Even so, I don't think it's something that I want to do. I really prefer the idea of having our kitchen be safe for him, so he doesn't have to worry (okay, so I don't have to worry) about cross-contamination at home as well as at restaurants. I will definitely take that last bit of advice though, when needed!

 

If you type "kissing" into the search box you will find plenty of threads, such as this one: http://www.celiac.co...ing#entry855186

 

Sweet! I'll take a look at those. Thank you! :)


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                  Apis Laeta:
  Bee Happy

              My name is Erin, if you'd like to reply to me directly. :)


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#17 tarnalberry

 
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Posted 28 July 2013 - 07:08 PM

Tiffany, right? (Your signature.) It's totally fine! Honestly, I've been trying my best to make sure my responses haven't been insulting or anything. And actually, your post made me laugh! So I'm glad you replied as you did. 

:)
 
Oh good!  'Cause I can't always tell after a long day. :)
 
 
 

I'm so glad to hear that this makes valid sense to others who eat the same way he does!! That's the entire reason I came here to share my experiences. I hope he will come to understand it too, whether through therapy or just seeing how awesome I am. 

;)
 
Maybe I'm more sensitive to the idea at the moment since I have a toddler/preschooler (3-yr old), and that teaches you SO much about yourself.  My daughter can do things that "make me angry", but it's really my own choice to get angry about them.  She can do things that "make me impatient", but it's really my choice to get impatient.  She can do things that "make me sad", but really it's my choice to get sad.  All of the things she does, she has a reason for.  Yeah, it's a 3-year old's "reason", but to her, it's still a reason.  And it's only my own expectation of what she *should* do/say/think/whatever that really causes my negative behavior.
 
And I totally think the same is true of adults.  My husband is slow to move in the kitchen.  Just takes forever to get out of my way when I come barreling in to wash something or cook something or what have you.  But the only reason I expect him to move quickly is because I am moving quickly and feeling impatient.  He's not, so why would he move so fast with the same demeanor?  He wouldn't, and because that's what I *want* him to do, though there is really little need (hey, we're passing each other in a tight space, it doesn't take very long regardless of how slow he moves!), I get annoyed.  But that's my own choice, because I had silly expectations.
 
I think your boyfriend has the expectation that you eat gluten filled foods, so when you don't, you violate his expectation, and that makes him mad.  Because it relates to something personal, I might even go so far as to say it violates his expectation that "normal" people must eat gluten because that food is "better", and he thinks you're being "abnormal" just for him.  (Really, you make this decision because YOU want to.  Not because he forced you. If you're not making the decision for yourself, then I might be concerned, but you don't seem to imply that you feel pressured into it at all and it's of your own free will.)
 
 
 

I have thought about doing couples counseling as well. The only trouble is, I'm not sure how to bring it up. He'll probably do it with me though, if I ask.

 
Personally, I think this is the sort of counseling not where you "fix a problem" but where you build out your toolbox for understanding and communicating with each other.  It's a "I want some help learning from someone more knowledgeable than I about communicating my thoughts and feelings to you and how to listen to yours.  Let's learn these things together!" sort of thing to me.
 
 
 

My boyfriend brought up this point as well, when talking about whether I should go back to get my Master's now rather than wait a year, as I was planning. What decisions I make affects him now, as do the decisions he makes affect me. If only I had thought to mention the bit about how things could affect our relationship, etc. during that conversation about my Master's!

 
It's a tricky, convoluted thing that is hard for everyone to navigate.  It's part of a life journey?  There's no reason not to bring it up.
(We're in the middle of trying to figure out whether or not to have a second kid.  If that isn't a question that affects us both but we also have to answer for ourselves, I don't know what is.  Oh, it is hard!!)
 
Good luck!  I think you are doing a great things, and with time, patience, and a gentle touch, you guys can hopefully get through it.
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Tiffany aka "Have I Mentioned Chocolate Lately?"
Inconclusive Blood Tests, Positive Dietary Results, No Endoscopy
G.F. - September 2003; C.F. - July 2004
Hiker, Yoga Teacher, Engineer, Painter, Be-er of Me
Bellevue, WA

#18 apislaeta

 
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Posted 29 July 2013 - 07:07 PM

Maybe I'm more sensitive to the idea at the moment since I have a toddler/preschooler (3-yr old), and that teaches you SO much about yourself.  My daughter can do things that "make me angry", but it's really my own choice to get angry about them.  She can do things that "make me impatient", but it's really my choice to get impatient.  She can do things that "make me sad", but really it's my choice to get sad.  All of the things she does, she has a reason for.  Yeah, it's a 3-year old's "reason", but to her, it's still a reason.  And it's only my own expectation of what she *should* do/say/think/whatever that really causes my negative behavior.
 
And I totally think the same is true of adults.  My husband is slow to move in the kitchen.  Just takes forever to get out of my way when I come barreling in to wash something or cook something or what have you.  But the only reason I expect him to move quickly is because I am moving quickly and feeling impatient.  He's not, so why would he move so fast with the same demeanor?  He wouldn't, and because that's what I *want* him to do, though there is really little need (hey, we're passing each other in a tight space, it doesn't take very long regardless of how slow he moves!), I get annoyed.  But that's my own choice, because I had silly expectations.
 
I think your boyfriend has the expectation that you eat gluten filled foods, so when you don't, you violate his expectation, and that makes him mad.  Because it relates to something personal, I might even go so far as to say it violates his expectation that "normal" people must eat gluten because that food is "better", and he thinks you're being "abnormal" just for him.  (Really, you make this decision because YOU want to.  Not because he forced you. If you're not making the decision for yourself, then I might be concerned, but you don't seem to imply that you feel pressured into it at all and it's of your own free will.)

 

That's a great mindset. I hope I remember that when I have kids of my own--and even in my life now!! It's hard sometimes, but I guess no one ever really told me, "Life is so easy!"

 

My boyfriend does feel that way sometimes. For example, at his mother's birthday dinner Saturday night, his aunt came over and asked to have a gluten free brownie even though she can have gluten. He asked her, "Are you sure?" as if it was silly to want to share such a thing. He does that sort of thing all the time. We were at the zoo with friends yesterday and his friend ordered a funnel cake. Over time, it was discussed that the monkeys we were about to see couldn't have any funnel cake and his friend said that life without funnel cake is a sad existence, forgetting that he was gluten free. My boyfriend responded that he couldn't have any, implying that perhaps his existence was sad. I couldn't let him make himself believe that so I interjected before the implication was verbally made and got a kiss out of it. ;-) What's even greater about the two of us being gluten free together is that I can find a pancake mix that we like and a deep fryer and enjoy our own funnel cakes! It may not be as fun as getting one when we're out, but at least he can enjoy such things at home. :)

 

It's just so funny to me that he makes gluten free out to be so bad, and yet we can make anything gluten free that is typically made with gluten, and it usually tastes delicious. If we're lucky, I can't notice a difference at all! I'm gonna have fun learning my way around the kitchen. ;-)

 

Also, don't worry about that at all! It's all me wanting to be gluten free. I love my boyfriend and I want to be sure that he's healthy and safe, especially at home.

 

 

Personally, I think this is the sort of counseling not where you "fix a problem" but where you build out your toolbox for understanding and communicating with each other.  It's a "I want some help learning from someone more knowledgeable than I about communicating my thoughts and feelings to you and how to listen to yours.  Let's learn these things together!" sort of thing to me.

 

That makes sense. I'll be sure to word it that way! There's always room for learning how to communicate better. :)

 

Hopefully that little bit of story there wasn't too bad. I like anecdotes. Always have!


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                              \   \   /   /
                               \ (o ^ o) /
                      __________(%%%%%%%)__________
                     (   /   /  )       (  \   \   )
                       (__/___/ (%%%%%%%) \___\__)
                               /(       )\
                              /   (%%%)   \
                                    !
                  Apis Laeta:
  Bee Happy

              My name is Erin, if you'd like to reply to me directly. :)


#19 LisaRae28

 
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Posted 18 August 2013 - 05:38 AM

It seems like maybe you suddenly started paying more attention to his issues with gluten and making it more of a priority in your life because you're thinking ahead to the life you two will be sharing. I'd be freaked out and snappy if I were him. First of, obvious you're starting to look more long term which forces him to look at it too. Secondly, the way you go about it prob makes him feel like you're trying to "fix" him or normalize it. Third, you're prob talking it to death with him. Don't keep talking about it jut do it. Don't make a big deal about it and don't freakin mention the disease. If you're going out to eat say gluten free like not a diet but ill actually get sick from it. If he isn't capable of saying these things for himself by now he needs to learn how to be and it's very possible he was just getting to that point when he felt like you were taking over. Having an advocate for you is fantastic but when it comes down to it the really empowering thing is knowing that you can do it alone. Mistakes are a part of the process, don't correct him in front of the waiter, point it out to him once the waiter leaves and let him correct the situation. Let him talk to you about it and ask questions. He's had this going on longer than you. He wants for you to come to him before telling him what you read somewhere else. Don't treat him like a child and he won't act like one.... Unless he eats gluten... Then he might lol, but do your best to ignore it and he'll prob feel like a dumbass a few days later and be super apologetic.... Kudos for bein proactive you're doing everything everyone wig celiac wants someone to do but it's a choice for you out of love and its not for him. It's terribly difficult being the broken one a saint is in love with ya kno? Allow him his mood swings. If he's been doing what he's supposed to do for health and he was insecure about it then its prob hard for him to have you waltz around makin that shit look easy and being so knowledgable. This stuff is overwhelming for those of us with foggy brains and aches and pains who love pizza and funnel cake. It takes us a while and it's hard to see someone else just get it when they don't even have to. I hope that wasn't insulting cuz kudos really but don't overtalk it with him.
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#20 Lock

 
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Posted 17 September 2013 - 01:04 PM

I don't know if OP is still reading this thread. There are a lot of good responses.

 

You are correct, if you go gluten free with him, and you marry, things will be a lot easier. But he has an emotional issue with this and I think it has something to do with boundaries. If you go gluten free "for him", this is not a position he can trust. He wants you to be you. If you make this major life change he needs to know it is real and will be permanent. The only way that will happen is if you want to be gluten free for your own selfish reasons.  (EDIT: this sounded bad when I reread it, I don't mean bad selfish, I mean good selfish, as in reasons that are genuinely for your own benefit, not his.)

 

As far as I am concerned, your potential future children are selfish reasons enough. I am not of the belief that it's okay to eat gluten "until" you get Celiac Disease. From my own life, I suspect gluten has been making me sick since I was a small child, but very insidiously. Not necessarily ways that will be caught in your child. It made my own children sick in ways that were never caught as Celiac or gluten related but in retrospect, clearly were.

 

Man was not really meant to eat grains, and you could do worse than having a low-grain, gluten free lifestyle to give your children the best nutritional start. Do some researching on these matters and come to this conclusion on your own, completely aside from him. Disconnect your gluten free diet from him. Make it so even if you broke up, you will remain gluten free for the sake of your future children whomever you have them with. And of course if you stay with him, your kids automatically have a good chance of getting his celiac gene. YES, it certainly does benefit someone with that genetic tendency to be gluten free from birth!

 

If you eating gluten free along with him makes him feel "weak", he needs to get over that. He feels he is rare and sick but he needs to learn up a little on gluten and the human race. He is only the tip of the iceberg.  All the obesity around him in young people, the early onset diabetes, it's all connected to wheat and carbs. It makes him feel like you are treating him like a "sick" person, and catering to him, when he does not want to be treated that way. I can understand that. You need to quit doing it "for him" altogether. And he needs to quit viewing himself as sick or inferior as a man. He is actually quite normal. It is the last 10,000 years of us eating grains that is abnormal.


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