Just Have To Get This Out.

[Waitingindreams]

(I'll try to keep this brief)

 

I still live at home with my parents, not by choice. I have never had a job that paid very much, and I paid my way through school. I help them pay the bills, I buy my own food, pay for my own gas, etc etc so I am not "mooching" off of them or anything along those lines - just to make that clear.

 

My mom and I have had a rocky relationship ever since I graduated high school, I'd say. We used to be pretty close, and then she just started to get nasty. A lot of people have asked me if she is bi polar. I don't know if she is or not. Ever since I was 13, I told my parents I didn't feel good. They took me to the doctor but never found anything wrong, so as I got older and kept complaining...my parents started to treat me as a hypochondriac. I mean..laughing in my face, rolling their eyes, walking away from me as I beg them to take me to the doctor. One time I had a severe allergic reaction and begged to be taken to the hospital and my mom handed me a paper bag. Thank God I now have an epi pen. 

 

When I was diagnosed, neither one of my parents really batted an eyelash. Their lives were not at all affected...I buy my own food, cook for myself, etc etc, which is fine. They didn't (and don't) understand celiac disease and never seemed to care to. 

 

Flash forward to a few days ago..my mom found out she has diverticulitis. So does her older sister. (Her sister does not have celiac disease - she was tested) Now her doctor is urging her to get tested for celiac disease. She is getting tested first thing in the morning. That is all fine. Here is what is bothering me.

 

I have been dealing with this for about 1.5 years now. Like all of you, I have some friends that are supportive, and I have some that just don't get it. I have an amazing boyfriend that has been my rock through it, and I found this amazing forum, as well as other online resources. My dental hygienist also has Celiac disease, so when I see her we talk about it. I get a lot of support, just not from my family. Now that there is a chance that my mother might have it, all she is doing is researching it. Okay, again -that's fine. But now she is spewing facts at me and telling me about MY disease as if she knows more than I do. I try to calmly explain to her that I already know all of that, because I'm living with it. She is constantly in competition with me. CONSTANTLY. (Example, she is massively overweight and once compared our weight/body size - who does that to their daughter? Really?)  I wouldn't wish celiac disease on anyone. I don't want her to have it for multiple reasons, but a strong reason is that if she DOES have it, I know she's going to make the whole world revolve around her.  I know her so well - I was at my boyfriend's house and we were talking about it - I told him that she's going to act like she knows all about it even though I've been living with it for almost 2 years...and sure enough, as soon as I walk in the door she starts telling me what she's learned about it and how she thinks she has it. Interesting that she didn't care AT ALL enough to look it up when I was diagnosed, or when I suggested that she (and my sister/father) get tested. She starts telling me about how celiac disease isn't ALWAYS genetic, how this that and the other thing...nothing I never heard before. I am LIVING IT. If she was telling me all of this to help me out when I was first diagnosed, I'd be fine with it..but she is telling me all of this to try to one up me and act like she knows more about it than I do. Really? 

 

When I tried to tell her my experience and give her advice/tips, she got nasty and told me I'm not the "Mayor" of celiac disease, acting like "How would YOU know anything?" She is quite honestly one of the nastiest people I have ever dealt with. She once told me to go "f" myself because I got her a plate she didn't want (No, she wasn't kidding around)

 

I just landed a job that is so close to my house. I have 3 months of training, and then I plan on moving in with my boyfriend some time after that. He lives about 40 minutes away, so I will be gaining a very large commute to work...but I do need to get out of this house. It's a toxic environment. I know that if she is diagnosed, I can't even help her...because she won't believe a word I say. She thinks she knows everything about everything. My point of view is worthless, despite the fact that I am living with this. She is hard enough to deal with as it is, but if she gets diagnosed...wow. I know that living with her will be even more of a living hell. And of course my dad and sister will faun all over her when they didn't give a crap about me. She absolutely has to be the attention of the universe, so I know she is going to make us ALL miserable. She is convinced that she has it. I don't know if she does or not - but I can't believe she is already spitting facts at me as if I've never heard of the disease. I am so tired of her, and of this situation. 

 

I actually think that the genetics are on my father's side, because his aunt had alopecia along with tons of other food allergies, and she couldn't eat wheat. (As far as I know she wasn't diagnosed with celiac disease, but that sure sounds like it) she died of cancer about 10 years ago.

 

This felt pretty good though...one time my dad was teasing my bf and he said "Yeah, she didn't have celiac disease until YOU came along" And my BF was like "Well maybe if someone didn't ignore her for 13 years it wouldn't have gotten this bad" (he...doesn't have a filter, lol) 

 

I just needed to get all of that out. My mom has serious issues, but for some reason they are mostly dumped on to me rather than my sister (they are a lot more alike than me/her are so that could be a reason) I really can't stand her. She is a huge part of a lot of my stress and the less I have to deal with her, the happier I am. Sad, but true. I'm really not sure what to do about it. Talking to her does not work. She is the type of person who will start loudly singing or humming over you if she doesn't like what you are saying. (Or she will loudly and sarcastically yell "YEP! YOU'RE RIGHT. MMHMM" and not listen.) I cant talk to my father either. I talk to friends and my boyfriend, but it's just venting like I am now. Nothing works. I try not to say that I hate her, but...

 

Does anyone have a close relative, or friend like this? Self-centered, judgmental, egotistical, spoiled, etc? Her personality is just so nasty. She is already unbearable but I know if she does have celiac disease, she will be beyond unbearable. The one thing that would be good about it is that MAYBE I would stop waking up to a huge pile of breadcrumbs right where i sit at the table. (It's honestly like she does it on purpose...) we have designated seats that we sit at to eat. She has more recently started sitting in my chair, and every day I wake up to a pile of dirty dishes and bread crumbs. I have told her, multiple times, that even a crumb could make me sick...and that is what I wake up to. Constantly. I sometimes eat only one meal a day because I am too stressed about cross contamination with all of the crumbs everywhere. (Literally, everywhere) 

 

It's really disheartening when the most toxic person in your life is your own mother, especially since I know she inexplicably blames me. She is a miserable person and I wish I could just cut her out. Her older sister pretty much hated their mother, and I'm wondering if they had a similar relationship. 

 

Sorry for the vent everyone. I will be getting out of the house soon enough...but it's just sad. I feel like I don't even have a mother. And my dad is just kind of there. I literally have conditioned myself to not need my parents, but it's just...sad.

[kareng]

Just because she is your mother, doesn't mean you have to see her, live with her, etc.  Sounds like she is just an evil person and it doesn't matter if you have Celiac or not - she would find something to be nasty about.  If you have kids, I wouldn't let them spend much, or any time, with her.

 

Of course - maybe if she does have Celiac and will take care of it - maybe some of her mental or emotional issues will get better?

[julissa]

I am so glad you have a plan for getting out of there. it really is not a place you should be at any longer than absolutely necessary. sorry you're living this nightmare

[mamaw]

I think  this  is  one of the  hardest  parts  of  being  celiac...in general we look  the  norm( whatever  that  is)& when  anyone  makes  the  snide  remarks  or comments  they are very hurtful & at  times  unforgettable. Worse when it  comes  from people  who are  supposed  to love & support  you...Many of us  have  them too.....

Your  mother's  emotional  rantings  may  be  from  an  un-dx'd  illness & maybe  she  doesn't  even  realize  what  is  pouring  out  of her  mouth!

You  are  correct  in  removing yourself from  that situation asap...Your  health  will improve  even more...Please  leave  an open  space in your  heart for  forgiveness, holding on  to  bitter  feelings  can  cause great  damage  to a  person , letting  go  of those  negative  life  events  is   VERY hard but    for you to move on  to a better  place one needs  to  be  open... &  understanding... another  way to  look at  this  is   : it  is  hard  for  some  parents to think  their kids  know  more than them! After all  you will always be  their child.. For  one  that  is  not  a  good  way of  thinking  ... We learn from everyone  on a daily basis....  ie: training  a puppy  for a  service  dog  by  hard core  prisoners,,  a puppy  can turn  their life  into a  positive &  teach  these  prisoner's  to  trust  , love &  respect  .....

If  you mother  is dx'd  she  may  fall  down  &  beg  you to help her  when she  fails  & sees  how  great  you are doing!

You are  in a  great  place  right  now,  you understand  what you need to do to  get  better & grow in your  life... Some  never  achieve  that in life &  your  a young  person & well on  your  way.

 

hugs

[icelandgirl]

Sending you ((((hugs)))). As a mom I can't understand it. I can't imagine treating my children that way. Moving out will be the best thing for you. If you can do it sooner...do it. If not, be gone as much as possible. You don't need the stress of a toxic situation. You are trying to heal your body. Best wishes to you.

[Waitingindreams]

Thank you, everyone! I just had to get it all out. The main person I vent to about all of this is my boyfriend, but it's hard because in doing so I have basically made him hate her. That wasn't my intention. It's weird, because she has her moments where she'll be "motherly" but they're so infrequent. She also decided to announce that living with celiac disease is "easy". She thinks all you need to do is go to a health food store and buy gluten free bread. I tried explaining otherwise, but I don't know why I even waste my breath. She SAW what I went through...getting rid of makeup/shampoo etc that had wheat in it (I have a wheat allergy also - but still) Ive told her enough about it, but according to her (someone that isn't confirmed to be living with it) it's so easy to manage! Hear that everyone? What you're dealing with is EASY! If she does have it, she is in for a rude awakening.

 

kareng - I was thinking that as well. I strongly do think she does have bipolar disorder or something else - I am not the only person she is nasty to. She is nasty to my dad/sister as well, it just seems to be more so on me. And I'm not sure how to explain why my parents would assume I am a hypochondriac. I mean, all she is doing is assuming she has all of these diseases/issues. After I found out I had gall stones, all of a sudden HER gall bladder was bothering her and she wouldn't shut up about her gall bladder issues. She got tested, and nothing was wrong with her gall bladder. Doesn't THAT sound more like hypochondria? I mean...she's horrible, but my dad isn't much better. He didn't give a crap either. Sad that I've just gotten used to it.

 

julissa - Yes, thank you. I am so relieved as well. I see her less and less now...I spend the weekends at my boyfriend's house and she is usually asleep by the time I get home. And now that I have a new job, I really will rarely see her. I'm just glad I have other supportive people in my life (including this forum) to make up for my parents. 

 

mamaw - I do think it's possible she does have some kind of mental condition, but I am wondering why I have to take the brunt of it. I don't instigate with her...I literally walk into the house and she's all over me. I am all about forgiveness, because they are the only parents I'll ever have, but they never even apologized. Never took in the realization that wow...she was actually really sick for YEARS. Instead they make fun of me because before I was diagnosed (and a bit after) I had to take really long showers to try to get all of the flakes out of my hair (HORRIBLE seb. dermatitis on scalp...can't even describe how bad it was) and all they would do is torment me about it. Well, maybe if they believed me years ago I would have gotten diagnosed before I developed such severe skin issues. I still have seb. dermatitis, but it has improved SO much. The one positive thing about it is that my parents could SEE it, so they knew something was wrong. Still didn't stop them from not being understanding of my longer showers. I mean, it was literally to the point where I'd scratch my head (it was so itchy) and my fingers would be bloody. Chunks of skin would come off. The side of my neck and all around my ears were white, flaky, and bloody. I am about 900x better...but I still have dandruff. 

 

And I guess I can understand about it feeling weird to have your children know more than you...but she is like that with everyone. My boyfriend is a certified IT tech (and computer genius, basically) and my mom doesn't know much about computers, but she is so positive that what she does know is better than what he does. He's learned on his own to deal with her as little as possible because there's just no talking to her. 

 

I don't think she'll ever fall down and beg me for anything. I am going in a different direction than she would think to go...for example, I do still see my MD, but I also see a Naturopath...and I am on a very strict diet (SCD) that she would never attempt. She will fully listen to whatever doctor she goes to and will probably criticize me for not yet seeing a GI (because after all, if she gets diagnosed that automatically means she knows more about it than I do) I was planning on getting a GI. I still might go and see one - but I am trying to heal myself with diet for the most part. I am wary of going to a GI because I am afraid he/she will push me to do a gluten challenge and do an endoscopy (I never had one done) but we'll see. Now that I am starting a new job, I will have health insurance again. Thank you I have made a complete lifestyle change and I am fine with it...I am doing so much better. SO much better. I think leaving this house is the last step. My boyfriend still eats gluten at his house, but he is so careful about cross contamination. He worries more than I do sometimes. 

 

Icelandgirl (hugs back!) Thank you. I am not a mother, but I don't understand it either. I would never treat my child like this either. Although I am grateful and excited for my new job, I am disappointed that I couldn't find something closer to where my boyfriend lives. I tried. :\ The longer commute will be worth not living here...I'm just worried about driving the long commute in the winter. That's why I plan on moving out after training...the snow/bad weather will hopefully be done by then.Yes, and I will heal my body completely. I know once I move out our relationship will improve, even if only because I never have to deal with her anymore.

[kareng]

Sounds like moving out is a good idea.  Distance yourself a little.

 

If I had to know more than my son's - my brain would explode!     They are in engineering school.  And like your IT tech BF, know stuff that makes no sense to me!  But I know some stuff they don't and they know that - so I get questions about - cooking, cleaning, sickness, girls, money, pets, furniture, clothes,  general life things.

 

Maybe I could adopt you?  Would that IT tech come with you?  I need computer help!  

[Waitingindreams]

Yes! I definitely need to. And I will. Part of me doesn't want to wait until training is over, but the new job is so close to my parents' house, and so far from my boyfriend's. It's really a tough situation. I finally find a job that is close to my house..right when I am looking to move out. Sigh.

 

And of course - you are their mother. It is good that they can still come to you and ask you questions, as there is of course a lot that you know that they haven't learned yet. I wish I could have that kind of relationship with my mother. Sometimes she helps me out with certain things, but it's so rare. 

 

Haha, sure! And yes, we are a 2 for 1 deal. He goes where i go. If you do have a specific question I could always pass it on to him. I have learned so much about computers/technology through him. Sometimes I have no idea what he is talking about...but hey, as long as he knows what he is doing! He is very much into the high tech stuff, whereas I am fine with my portable C.D player (well, I need a new one...but that's another story!)

 

EDIT: I wrote "C.D player" without the period in between, and it automatically edited it to say "celiac disease player" LOL. Where do they sell those? Bwahaha

[kareng]

 

 

Sometimes I have no idea what he is talking about...but hey, as long as he knows what he is doing! 

 

 

Free relationship advice - 

And you have to nod and try not to have your eyes glaze over!  Helps to be doing something - washing a dish - petting the dog.  

[cyclinglady]

I am so sorry!

Hang in there! I am not going to repeat all the good advice you have received.

Just change your profile picture. Who knows if your mom (if she is diagnosed) might find this forum (at least until you are out of the house!). She might guess, but she will never know for sure......

I guess anonymity is the reason why I prefer forums. I do not "get" joining a health group on Facebook. I have nothing to hide, but I think health and other issues should be relatively private.

Hugs!

[kareng]

Just change your profile picture. Who knows if your mom (if she is diagnosed) might find this forum (at least until you are out of the house!). She might guess, but she will never know for sure......

 

 

 

Good point! 

[Waitingindreams]

Karen - HA! Good idea. He can always tell when I'm confused, because he'll trail off and go "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" We have our strengths and weaknesses, so it works out. I am the grammar nerd, he is the computer genius. We balance each other out in a lot of ways. But he doesn't get why I want a C.D player! Oh come on! What am I going to do with all of my c.ds, and my c.d label maker? 

 

Cyclinglady - Excellent point, I was thinking that myself. And I agree, that is why I haven't posted my first name on here, and try not to list my state too much. I will change my photo. I also agree about health issues being private on facebook. I rarely post anything about celiac disease - if I do, it's usually a positive, upbeat post where I am raving about my progress and how much happier/healthier I am But yes, I should change my photo to something more inconspicuous... 

[Waitingindreams]

I think this Falcor look alike will do nicely for now 

[cyclinglady]

Yep!

[notme]

i broke up with my dad.  my mom is dead.  i am orphaned  :/

 

my dad is the most unscrupulous man on the planet.  if you met him, you would like him, because he is always good to strangers.  he saves the 'omg i can't believe he did that' for the family.  he treated my mother terribly.  he married the perfect woman for him, as she is just as greedy as he is.  their last visit to my home, the woman steps out onto my back porch and hollers in pain.  then she created such an ugly scene and went back to their hotel room.  my dad asked me about my homeowners insurance.........  yep, he's *that* guy.  i told him i do not have any insurance and that i love him because he's my dad, but we're not doing this anymore.  he doesn't understand how stress makes my body react and i am still underweight in spite of eating almost non-stop.  he doesn't care.  i had to break up with him.  

 

i completely get what you are saying.  save yourself...!  

[Waitingindreams]

Oh wow. That is horrible. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, and I thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate it. I don't want to pry and ask any further questions, but I do hope that he has respected your wishes and that you are feeling much better from being distanced from him.

 

I would say it's tough because I am still living at home at my age - which it is...but my sister is 24 and still living at home and she does not get the same treatment. Also, this treatment started (as far as I can remember) when I was 17. It is possible that she has bi polar disorder, or that she's just miserable. I'm not sure, but deep down I would love to go to therapy with the three of them. My sister isn't that bad, but she is very similar to my mother. My dad just doesn't want to deal with anything, so he doesn't get involved... and when he does, he screams at ME because it's easier to take her side than mine. (Though he has, rarely, stuck up for me. He knows she is awful sometimes)

 

I think getting out of the house is a huge first step. I'll feel a lot better, and I'm sure she is much easier to handle in smaller doses. She is seriously psychotic...like she says all of this nasty stuff to me, treats me like crap about all of my health issues, but she'll text me to warn me about bad weather and, sometimes, stay up until I get home from my boyfriend's house because she worries. So I guess deep down she cares about me, but not enough to believe me, take me seriously, or respect me? It's not a competition. If she has celiac disease too I just know she's going to make it a competition. This is hard enough to deal with.

[Waitingindreams]

Update: Just found out today that my mother does not have celiac disease. I am not at all surprised, and I am very relieved for multiple reasons. Phew. Thank you all for the advice/for listening.

[notme]

Oh wow. That is horrible. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, and I thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate it. I don't want to pry and ask any further questions, but I do hope that he has respected your wishes and that you are feeling much better from being distanced from him.

 

I would say it's tough because I am still living at home at my age - which it is...but my sister is 24 and still living at home and she does not get the same treatment. Also, this treatment started (as far as I can remember) when I was 17. It is possible that she has bi polar disorder, or that she's just miserable. I'm not sure, but deep down I would love to go to therapy with the three of them. My sister isn't that bad, but she is very similar to my mother. My dad just doesn't want to deal with anything, so he doesn't get involved... and when he does, he screams at ME because it's easier to take her side than mine. (Though he has, rarely, stuck up for me. He knows she is awful sometimes)

 

I think getting out of the house is a huge first step. I'll feel a lot better, and I'm sure she is much easier to handle in smaller doses. She is seriously psychotic...like she says all of this nasty stuff to me, treats me like crap about all of my health issues, but she'll text me to warn me about bad weather and, sometimes, stay up until I get home from my boyfriend's house because she worries. So I guess deep down she cares about me, but not enough to believe me, take me seriously, or respect me? It's not a competition. If she has celiac disease too I just know she's going to make it a competition. This is hard enough to deal with.

it's fine, i don't mind talking about it - funny, he worries about me is that way, too, i feel like he just doesn't know how to be a good dad.  he just can't do it.   that make any sense?  lolz, well, i'm not an only child, so he can practice on the other 2 haha - i am 51 y.o. i guess i'm just sick of the same old song and dance.  let me tell you the advantage/lesson is in all this:  if you decide to have children, you will be a great parent.  it's like getting taught what NOT to do lolz - seriously.  here is an example:  he missed 2 out of 4 of our weddings, (i was married 2x, so he missed my current husband's and mine, and my brother's only) because he was 'mad' - it was a big deal to us  fast fwd to my grown daughter joining the air force.  she had flunked out of 3 different schools prior and i was 'mad' and assumed she was joining to 'get back' at us.  so, you can't really talk to them during basic training.  we got the invitation for her graduation and for a split second, i thought:  well, i'm not gonna go.  that'll teach her....  WHOA NO!!  that's what my dad would do, lolz, i *skipped* when i boarded that plane to san antonio!!!!  she cried when she saw that i had come to share her accomplishment and i knew i had made the right decision.  that's how i learn things from my dad.  i go to church (he thinks he IS God - has told me that)  i do charity work (they don't *pay* you?  why would you waste your time!!??)  and i watch other people's kids for free so they can work (you feed those kids your FOOD?)  all things that make me happy without the 'parental' stamp of approval.  i even made friends with my daughter's (endless) tattooing (ugh, lololz)  i can look on the bright side of my situation and use the advantage of my disadvantage.  people with good parents don't have the insight that we do!!!  yay, us!!!  lolz

 

glad your mom doesn't have celiac - that should make things a little easier for you.  i hope you have a great day