3 Years, Still No Support.

[num1habsfan]

I bet I'm the only person on this message board whos family is more concerned with themselves, and who'd rather make me have asthma/anxiety attacks from them freaking me out, than ask how I'm feeling, etc.

One of these times I may not be able to control my attacks at all, and it'd be a sad thought knowing it was my parents that killed me that way.

Most of my uncles and aunties, cousins, whoever. Most of them still dont believe that I have Celiac. They try to make me touch flour or make sure they eat gluten before giving me just a family-like kiss and say "oh no, I just ate some bread..you'll get sick now" and roll their eyes and laugh at me, just to show me I wont get sick or affected (but I do). Or they still will put flour into something and just not say.

I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. School is enough stress, I dont need the family part of it too. I'm sorry for the rambling *shuts up now*

~lis~

[Guest nini]

you have every right to vent... unfortunately some people will never get it, but your families behavior sounds almost abusive. Only you can make them aware of what they are doing. Only you will know the right way and the right time. Only you can decide if you will ever be able to trust them with this or if you need to distance yourself from them so that they don't make you sick.

Their behavior may be part of a serious form of denial. They may not want to believe that you have this because that could mean that they would have to look at themselves and they might have it too, and that scares them to death.

[Guest Viola]

Oh for heaven's sake! Your family needs a good kick in the butt for sure! Don't you have a family doctor that can speak to them? Can I lend you mine?? He would tell them in no uncertain terms! Hmmm, I'll have to see if he goes to Sask.

What part of Sask. are you in? My husband is from the Prince Albert area.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through that, I do wish I could really help. It's too bad you can't get a place of you own. I just can't believe someone is so self centered as to try and harm a member of their own family just to try and prove something that they 'think' is right.

[hez]

For a period of my life I had to distance myself from my mother (not related to celiac). It was hard, lonely and very sad. However, it was neccessary for me to do this to be healthly. During that period I surrounded myself with really good friends. I am so sorry they are unsupportive.

Hez

[jerseyangel]

Hey Lis--I'm so sorry that your family is treating you this way. I know a lot of us have experienced the rolling eyes, and the glazed over expression that is really saying--yea, sure.... Sometimes when people don't understand something, they make jokes. Its immature and cruel, especially when it's family. Do you have a friend or someone else in your life that you can talk to? Is it possible to, say, take your mom (or whoever you feel most comfortable talking with) aside and really let her know how much this is affecting you--both physically and emotionally? I don't know how old you are, but how about a school counselor? He or she could be helpful for you to talk to and possibly pave the way to communicate this with your parents. I really hear you--please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Remember--you are doing what's best for yourself and you are worth it

[tarnalberry]

I bet I'm the only person on this message board whos family is more concerned with themselves, and who'd rather make me have asthma/anxiety attacks from them freaking me out, than ask how I'm feeling, etc.

One of these times I may not be able to control my attacks at all, and it'd be a sad thought knowing it was my parents that killed me that way.

Most of my uncles and aunties, cousins, whoever. Most of them still dont believe that I have Celiac. They try to make me touch flour or make sure they eat gluten before giving me just a family-like kiss, just to show me I wont get sick or affected (but I do). Or they still will put flour into something and just not say.

I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. School is enough stress, I dont need the family part of it too. I'm sorry for the rambling *shuts up now*

~lis~

That is absolutely horrible. I'm not sure whether to suggest you tell every "responsible" adult (that is, the sort who have the responsibility to report this sort of behavior - like a school counselor and your doctor), or to just move out as soon as you can. Is there anything you can ask your doctor to do to help?

[Judyin Philly]

That is absolutely horrible. I'm not sure whether to suggest you tell every "responsible" adult (that is, the sort who have the responsibility to report this sort of behavior - like a school counselor and your doctor), or to just move out as soon as you can. Is there anything you can ask your doctor to do to help?

Lis

I'm appaled and speechless!

I agree with eveything people here have said.

I pray there is someone who can interven for you.

This is abusive behavior.

I don't know your age. It would help us -help you- to make further suggestions if we knew that.

If your in college I might have some suggestions but if you under 18 that's a whole other issue

Please know we are here to listen and offer any help we can.

Maybe a few 'cyber hugs' would help.

Please don't give up

Judy in Philly

[num1habsfan]

I'm 21, in college finally(and my parents will refuse to let me live on my own -- said they will not find me an apartment where I am going to school, which is 30 minutes from here). Viola, I'm from Canora, thats close to Yorkton, if you know where that is?

I'm not sure the local doctors would help, most dont even know a lot about Celiac so they couldnt really understand. And its a small town, stories would be flying.

I'll have to ask my teacher if there is any counsellors there. Its a small college too, so I'm really not sure

I dont know, its just ... I should be concentrating on the career, not this. Being out of highschool for 3 years makes it even harder.

I've been talking to a lot of my close friends(except for the one I really need the most), but theres only so much they can do...

[Jnkmnky]

Sounds like they're afraid your disease means they lose some attention. So... they're stealing it back by being horrible. It's all about them and the inconvenience your celiac disease causes them. Some people are hopelessly narcicisstic *spelled wrong*. Get what you need from them for the time being and apply yourself entirely into your education. Move out and move on. Don't look back. They'll victimize you till the day you die then call you a bit(h for leaving them with no one to kick around.

Also, get the book "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen. It is so amazing. One line from the Bible that he discusses is, "No man can steal your joy". I love that.

[tarnalberry]

I'm 21, in college finally(and my parents will refuse to let me live on my own -- said they will not find me an apartment where I am going to school, which is 30 minutes from here).

...

I've been talking to a lot of my close friends(except for the one I really need the most), but theres only so much they can do...

Ok, I'm going to sound preachy here for a minute, but I'm coming from a situation where I couldn't stay at home (for my own mental health) even while I was in college...

You're 21. You're an adult. You should be the one making decisions for yourself. The "parents will refuse to let me live on my own" thing just doesn't make any sense, because YOU are the one who should be making the decisions for your adult-self. (If they won't let you leave the house, that's false imprisonment. I'm sure you don't mean that, but you get the point.)

You do what you have to do to get out of unhealthy situations. You work, and take on additional student loans. You talk to other students about sharing an apartment. You work through the summer, and save the money. You look into the dorms. You talk to the people at your college to get help from them. You use every last resource you have, but you don't stay someplace that is detrimental to your health, and you certainly don't make the decision to do it when you don't have to.

Yes, you do have a choice. Yes, you can pay for college on your own if they won't cover it if you move out. And, without even those dramatics, you can choose to eat outside of the house on your own and not with your family. (They can't cram food into your mouth against your will - that's illegal too.)

(I say this from experience. During finals (and I mean as we were walking towards my first chemistry final - a class I wasn't doing so well in but had to pass), my dad told me he wasn't going to keep paying for my college. Unless I came home, lived at home, and went to a different school. I said 'screw that', payed for the $25k/year private school myself (some grants, and a lot of loans), worked for minimum wage over the summer at 2 or 3 jobs, spent $25/wk on groceries, living in a crappy shared apartment that was reserved for summer student researchers, and continued to work through school getting the best paying job (calling alumni for money!) I could and just racking up the student loans. Best choice of my life, bar none.)

[Judyin Philly]

Oh Honey, My Heart Breaks For You!

I have worked in a college and would think there MUST be a school nurse unless the school is really that small.

Didn't you get assigned an advisor when you came into the school? Maybe they could give you some direction. Does your school have a counceling service, I know ours did.

There is so much attention to anorixia and bulimia in the colleges now, I would hope they would have counceling for them, why not try that route. Maybe there is a counceling service in the town. I know your afraid to speak out for 'word getting around' a small town but this is your life we're talking about.

I pray you can speak to SOMEONE who is there for you. I know friends are good but if they don't have the disease, they can give you love but still not truly 'get it'

I just can't imagine trying to study, take tests ect with this pressure of living in this house.

You really must 'focus' on getting some help for yourself...

Please keep writing us,, we are Here for you

Judy in Philly

[num1habsfan]

You do what you have to do to get out of unhealthy situations. You work, and take on additional student loans. You talk to other students about sharing an apartment. You work through the summer, and save the money. You look into the dorms. You talk to the people at your college to get help from them. You use every last resource you have, but you don't stay someplace that is detrimental to your health, and you certainly don't make the decision to do it when you don't have to.

Yes, you do have a choice. Yes, you can pay for college on your own if they won't cover it if you move out. And, without even those dramatics, you can choose to eat outside of the house on your own and not with your family. (They can't cram food into your mouth against your will - that's illegal too.)

They have control of any money i'd use for rent/food/tuition, and there is no dorms

[Nantzie]

That's unspeakably awful. It's abusive. I can't even imagine. My heart really goes out to you. Sometimes people, even family, are just cruel and mean people. It's hard to break away from people like that, especially since it sounds like you're in a small community, and any real distancing would have to be by quite a distance. Just know that it's not you. It's them. Their cruelty isn't a reflection on you, but on them.

Do they do this to you on a daily basis?

I agree with Jnkmnky. Use the situation to your advantage and throw yourself into your education so that you can live a happy and productive life.

Please don't believe what they say about you. It's not true.

My dad's mom was like your parents. She never changed. She never got better. If anything she got worse. One of my best friends in high school's parents were like this too. They told her awful things about herself. I also ended up being in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship for 8 YEARS. So I know exactly what you're talking about. I've experienced it firsthand, and/or seen it with my own eyes for most of my life.

I distanced myself from my grandmother when I was in my late teens/early 20s. (I know this is totally different because you live with your parents.) I just couldn't take it anymore. I never told her anything though. I just started not coming over as much, being busy, etc. When I saw her, I was polite and friendly. But when she started in on me, I would just look at the clock and say I had to go to work (usually a white lie), then give her a kiss and a hug, and went on with my day. So you don't have to even inform them that you're distancing yourself. It's almost just a state of mind that you kind of get yourself into. You could just start "needing to study" a lot. And then eat mostly when they're not at home.

Being happy really makes people like this mad. But after a while, it's almost fun... It's almost like the more miserable you are, the happier they are, and then the more happy you are, the more miserable they are. Once you see that YOU can almost be the one in control of their moods by being happy, it's like the bubble bursts, and you start seeing how pathetic it is and just kind of feeling sorry for them. At least that was my experience in a couple of instances.

Well, I'm not sure how helpful this was. I just wanted you to know that I know what you're going through.

Hugs...

Nancy

Oh yea, I forgot to ask... What are you studying in school?

[tarnalberry]

They have control of any money i'd use for rent/food/tuition, and there is no dorms

That's what working (making your own money so they can't control it - my dad used to try to use money to control me as well), and finding the resources to live cheaply are for. I don't mean to say that it can happen overnight - it could take a number of months of planning. But the other options are never eating at home, and just dealing with it. I still can't fathom how your family could be that abusive after all this time... I'm sorry. :-(

[Carriefaith]

I'm sorry that your family is treating you that way. I agree with Tiffany that you should try and move out. There are lots of options and you don't have to continue living with people who purposely make you sick. You could rent an apartment or a house and put up ads around campus for roommates. Try and find jobs on campus, so you don't have to traval far. Some jobs for students at the university that I went to included; library jobs, research assisstant positions, teaching assissants, lab/tutorial instructors, campus maintance, ect.

[Rusla]

Lis,

Your family acts worse than 7 year olds. Now, you are 21 an adult, you look for your own apartment. Maybe get a few buds from University to move in with you. They are treating you like a child, while they act like children and you let them. For your health and sanity move out, get your own place and run an add at the University for Celiac or gluten intolerant roomate "wanted".

Then when your family wants to see you, make it absolutely crystal clear that if they do one thing to harm you health wise you will walk out the door.

Also tell them that if they continue this bad and childish behavior you don't know when you will spead to them again. Then stick to your guns.

Randi-Lee

[ianm]

I have to agree with the other, your 21, time to move out and be on your own. It won't be easy but nothing worth having ever is. I will be very blunt, your family is a bunch of losers and they know it. That is why they are coming after you. My ex-wife sounds like your family. I ended up getting rid of her and it was the smartest thing I ever did. Time to cut them loose, you have no other option.

[Ursa Major]

Lis, I also had an abusive, controlling mother, and now a VERY controlling husband. Because of autism I don't believe I'd be able to make it on my own, so don't have a choice but to stay (and also because my youngest daughter still needs me).

But you have a choice. I agree that you need to find a job and a different place to live. Parents are supposed to allow their kids to become independent, and to keep trying to control you by threatening you is abuse. As is the way they treat you, trying purposely to gluten you, that's just unbelievable.

Maybe you even need to get out of your small town and into another college in the fall, to get away from your family and to learn to be independent. You owe it to yourself to look after yourself the way you need to, to be healthy.

[Nantzie]

I really agree that the best thing you can do is get out on your own as soon as possible. I know though that sometimes things are more complicated than that. Maybe if you let us know a little more about the employment situation in your area or the type of industry or job market there is, we can give you some helpful hints. For example, if you're wanting to work in an office, working for a temporary service is practically on-the-job training. And you can work pretty much as much as you want. You don't even have to really know much. I worked for one for a while and had no real skills. I went to a factory for one week and folded advertisement cards, one week I worked at an office transferring numbers into a computer even though I could barely type. Seriously. I could barely type 25 wpm. Another week, I counted inventory in a store, I did a few days answering phones at another office. Temp services are a great place to start. One of my friends got a job through a temp service working in an insurance company, again, no skills and no experience. Now, she's been working there for five years and has been promoted into the department that investigates insurance fraud. She's doing really well. And she started with no college education, no experience, and no special skills. She was just willing to show up and do the best she could.

I also used to own a business. At one point I was looking for someone to work for me. My number one want in an employee, hands down, was someone who was willing to come to work and just try. The actual job I would be able to teach her. I just needed someone who was willing to show up for work and do the best she could.

I know you said that you are in a small town, so maybe you don't have a temp service there, but it's something you could do when it's time for you to move away from your family.

I also keep thinking about my friend who I mentioned before, whose parents were really mean to her. She lived at home with them until she was 26. She didn't even have a driver's license until she was almost 25. They told her she was too stupid to drive. She had a couple of part-time jobs, but they ridiculed her so badly about them that she just didn't have the fight in her to try for something better.

Like someone else said, it can take a lot of planning and research to get out of a situation, but just keep taking steps in that direction, and you'll get there, maybe sooner than you think.

So anyway, let us know if we can help you with anything, or give you advice on jobs or budgeting, or moving or just dealing with cruddy people.

Nancy

[debmidge]

Num1:

Consider the consquences before you make your decision because it's going to be a decision you'll have to live with the rest of your life.

[gabby]

Radical suggestion: move out. And move away. build your own life with a new circle of friends who do not interact with or know your family. Make only supportive friends. Treasure your time alone, and treasure your life on your own terms.

I speak from experience. I left home at 16 to move to another city to go to school. I got myself a school loan, got a room in a rooming house, got a part time job, and learned to be my own person. At the end of two years, I had a diploma (this is a canadian college), got a job in a profession I loved, had a string of friends who moved all over the country. And I felt good about myself. My family never changed. They are the same today (now 20 years later) as they were back then. But I changed. I grew up. I learned to make myself responsible for my own choices. and I learned that I cannot change people (except for myself).

You sound like such a bright and smart-as-a-whip person. You must have some awesome dreams....now go out into the world and start making them come true. If you are looking for some ideas on where to begin, respond to this message with a reply, and let's get started.

best of luck (although luck has little to do with it)

Gabby

Toronto, Canada

[Ursa Major]

To what Deb said:

Here in Canada colleges and universities have health insurance for their students, which is covered by their tuition. My daughters were covered for chiropractic, dental, physiotherapy, medical and only had to pay 10% for medications. Lis, I don't know where you live. But I hope that in the USA college students would be covered, too.

You are in an abusive situation, with people trying to poison you, you can't stay there! For your own sake, you need to leave. Not abruptly, you'll have to plan it well (but don't tell your family what you're doing, they'll try to stop you). I had to leave home at your age, because of an abusive situation, and I'm glad I did.

All the best,

Ursula

[debmidge]

someone in USA please correct me if I am wrong, but in USA a student could purchase, extra money needed, the insurance at college, but there are income resitrictions. If this coverage is not available thru college, then a student would have to rely on their parents health insurance coverage just like a minor would.

In USA, health insurance on your own is very, very, very costly. Prohibitively costly.

Gabby, you are the best possible senario and I am the worst case senario. Hopefully there's a middle ground.

[debmidge]

Someone previously suggested that you have your meals elsewhere...that seems like a middle ground.

[chuikov]

Your family sneaking gluten into meals is inexcusable.

I agree with some of the others though about taking some control and seeking other avenues.

You said your family wouldn't find an apartment for you. You may have to take the initiative on this. When I was in school I found a couple of friends and friends of friends and we got a house that cost us only $150 apiece rent. It was very manageable with my busboy/valet job.

If you stay at home either cook for yourself or offer to cook good gluten-free for the family.