Boyfriend With Celiac(need Some Input)

[spyderbabe]

I was just curious for those who have bf, spouse with celiac , do they ever

make you feel guilty for eating things they can't have around them? I really

do try to adjust to his diet and get things we both can have but once in awhile

i gotta have a sandwich or pizza, etc. with my busy schedule. Am i being selfish or is

he?

I mean he says he is just joking when i eat crackers or such about being offended

but in truth i think he's serious, I mean when i'm on a diet, i don't ask people around

me to not eat ice cream or cake. I know what i can have and what i can't and i except

it. I know it's not easy. Should i be more sensitive and not eat anything at all in front

of him that he can't have?

[frenchiemama]

There are a few things that I wish my husband wouldn't eat in front of me. It hurts. There are things that I just loved SO much and I will never be able to eat again, and yes, it is very hard to watch someone eating it in front of me and be able to smell it but not be able to even have a tiny taste.

[Rusla]

As for pizza why not make a gluten-free pizza. It is difficult to watch people eat what you loved but I have found new things to love and all I have to do is remember the pain.

[spyderbabe]

I'm sorry , this is all so new to me. We have only been dating for 3 months. I am trying to get all the info i can. And buy things i know he can have. I'm actually a health nut of sort, so i'm finding the diet isnt so bad.

He gets really depressed. And we have to be so careful with cross contamination.

Once in awhile he gets sick and we can't figure out why because Ive been being so careful.

Just really need some support right now. And all the info i can get my hands on.

[Lollie]

I know that it is hard on the loved ones, too!

My suggestion would be to think about how you would feel. Maybe, you could do like my husband does. He eats all the gluten-wheat stuff he can get his hands on when we're not together. That way he doesn't feel like he has celiac too.

I know that it's been very hard on my family to see me sick, so finding something that makes me feel better, is easy for all us. You said you and your boyfriend have only been together for a few months.....did he already have celiac when you met, or was it diagnosed after? I would think it would be harder to understand, just jumping into it, then if you had seen him sick for a long time with no answers.

just hang in there and try to be understanding. I'm sure your boyfriend isn't trying to hurt you any more than your trying to hurt him. If you cared enough to come here for advice, you obviously care alot for him.

-Lollie

[happygirl]

I think it will depend on the situation. Some couples (or families) find it easier to go gluten free while others find it easier to do things in moderation. And yet others have "gluten free meals" and then separate "gluten filled meals" each night.

It sounds like your boyfriend, understandably, is having a tough time coping with this change of lifestyle. It is very overwhelming, but manageable.

This is going to sound generic, but you might just sit down and flat out ask him how he feels about it. You are entitled to your opinions too, so you should tell him how his response makes you feel.

My husband offered to go gluten free. I thought about it and felt that there was no sense in making us both deal 100% with this diet. We have bread, granola bars, frozen pizzas, etc in the house. On the other hand, when we cook dinner, we make it gluten free (or, provide alternatives---both wheat and corn tortillas). When he's out, he orders fried chicken and other things. However, if he is craving something, I encourage him to get it. I think about how sweet he is to me (like you said, so careful about cross contamination, so helpful about info, resources, etc) and I figure I should show him the same respect.

I really think it is an individualized decision.

There are lots of products to help "normalize" things. Have you tried Tinkyada brand gluten-free pastas? We eat them all the time in my house: spaghetti, elbows, lasagna, penne, etc. We serve them to others-you would never know the difference. Having "pasta" really helps us out a lot!

He is lucky to have someone as caring as you. Open communication is your best bet. That, and a whole lot of patience

[spyderbabe]

He had already had this disease for about 3 years before i met him. So yes i

just jumped into the situation. I do want to go to Wild Oats and get some pasta

and something for pizza. I tried eliminating bread from diet when i was cutting

carbs, it wasnt easy but i did it.

It's also hard for my kids to understand, they keep forgetting he can't go out for

dinner.

[elonwy]

I'm the Celiac, my boyfriend is not. I got diagnosed a year and a half into our relationship. For the most part I don't mind, but one of my favorite things was Stouffers Swedish Meatballs froxen dinners, which I got him hooked on, he had never had them before me, and last week he bought one for himself, and I found in the freezer. I swore at him for about half an hour. Thing is, he understands that I need to get it out of my system, and that when I look at him eating bread and say "look at the poison" I'm doing it to remind ME that I can't have that, and shouldn't kiss him. Course, we sat down and discussed it and I explained that to him.

Maybe you should talk about it, see why he's doing it, it may be a mental neccessity. Then maybe if you don't know its about you, then it won't be a big deal.

Elonwy

[Smunkeemom]

I would try not to eat his favorite foods in front of him, but some things he just needs to be able to ignore. Like I can eat sandwiches and pizza in front of my kids, or mac and cheese when they have gluten-free mac and cheese, but not fish sticks, it's all about compromise, it doesn't bother them for me to eat bread sticks in front of them, but cake does, so I don't.

[Merika]

I am celiac, my dh is not. We eat gluten free dinner together. He eats gluten cereal for breakfast and gluten lunch (usually separate from me) and gluten snacks. I did at first ask him not to eat muffins/cakes/coffee shop type gluten foods in front of me because i didn't want to think about them. Now he does it out of habit and I find bakery bags in the car all the time, lol.

A lot of celiacs don't go out to eat much, or don't for the first few years it seems until they really get the hang of this disease, and then they find places they are comfortable with and can go there a lot. It sounds like your bf is still not comfortable or able to go out to eat yet.

Congratulations to you for being so concerned about him and learning about celiac. It is really wonderful to be with someone who cares about your well being. Best wishes, you can get the hang of it over time, and he may adapt to what you eat as well.

Merika

[psawyer]

I have been on the gluten-free diet for over five years. My wife mostly eats the same gluten-free stuff that I do. She has some things she eats that I can't, including some breakfast cereals, crackers, and fast food. It doesn't bother me at all to see her eating them. I'm over it (okay, when she eats Triscuits in my presence I have fond memories). But really, I am going to spend the rest of my life around people who are eating gluten. So be it. I know that I am better off without it. It just doesn't bother me.

I have a friend who had a drinking problem, joined AA, and has been sober for a long time. When people drink in his presence, it does not affect him. He knows that, for him, alcohol is poison. He will never touch it again. It is similar for me with gluten. I know it is poison for me, and I don't care what other people eat.

[cgilsing]

I do most (all) of the cooking around here, so both my husband I eat gluten-free for the most part. Sometimes he will get fast food for lunch, he like regular crackers and if we go out to eat he eats whatever he wants. It doesn't bother me at all to see him eat regular food! I'm just thankful that he is considerate enough to watch out for what I eat and put up with my gluten-free kitchen "experiments" There are a few things that I think he knows would bother me to watch him eat (crab rangoon ) and he never brings them around. I figure that I'm the one that is sick not him so why should he have to take the medicine too!

[tarnalberry]

I'm the celiac, my husband isn't. He still has some gluteny stuff at home, but also eats gluten-free stuff with me. (I do most of the cooking, and I cook naturally gluten-free anyway. He doesn't generally eat the specialty gluten-free products I occasionally buy.) But he's a fairly picky eater, and the stuff he eats around me aren't the ones I am most "missing". I usually avoid joining people at a pizza place, for instance, because it's a food I particularly miss. (Yes, I know how to make a gluten-free pizza. The crust isn't the same, but not bad, but I also don't do dairy, and most of what I liked about pizza was the combination of the doughy crust and the melted mozerella.) But I also won't be that bothered by someone picking one up.

But it varies on personality. Some people have a much harder time with other people being able to have/do things that they can't. Others don't care. We're all different. After 3 years on the diet, however, he's going to need to adjust. (Assuming, of course, that you're very aware of CC issues when eating gluten around him. ;-) )

[Guest TerpyTaylor]

I'm a bit suprised to hear that a person with Celiac disease would make his or her loved ones feel guilty for eating regular foods. My mom and I are both celiacs, but our respective husband and boyfriend are not. None of my friends or roommates are celiacs either. Yes, it can be annoying sometimes to not be able to join in eating foods that I used to enjoy. But I think that they have every right to continue eating foods that they can eat, and that I have no right to make them feel guilty for doing so.

In general, everyone in my life is very considerate of me and my needs when it comes to food. I think that is the heart of what this issue is really about. It hurts when a person who is supposed to care about you doesn't seem to care enough to be considerate about you. My mom only gets upset with my dad when he is eating something in front of her and saying, "MMMM this is SOOOOO good!" Then she just gives him a look and he apologizes, then goes on eating a bit more quietly. I only got upset once with my boyfriend when we were both starving and we went to Jerry's to get food, a place that doesn't have any gluten-free food. So we just make sure that when we eat together, we can both eat. With my mom and dad, even though he eats a lot of regular food, he also tries to eat the things that she does. It's making him eat healthier, which has actually become something fun that they share together. He now loves salads; he gets excited to make them practically every night with her!

My roommates are great about trying to make food I can eat too, and they all know how to read labels for me. The effort in that makes me feel special and cared about. When I go out with friends, we try to go places we know I can eat at. Sometimes I do miss foods that others are eating, but I just make a note to myself to make a gluten-free version in the next week. I think that works great!

My bottom line is this: Caring about someone involves being selfless. It's selfish for a celiac to resent someone for eating something he or she can't, and it's also selfish for a non-celiac to be flippant about a celiac's needs. So whether it's a friend or a significant other, if you're tuned into each other and truly being caring, it doesn't need to be such a big deal. And remember...life isn't about food! Life to the full involves feeling good and healthy in taking care of yourself, and as diagnosed celiacs, we can rejoice in that!

[Rachel--24]

My bottom line is this: Caring about someone involves being selfless. It's selfish for a celiac to resent someone for eating something he or she can't, and it's also selfish for a non-celiac to be flippant about a celiac's needs. So whether it's a friend or a significant other, if you're tuned into each other and truly being caring, it doesn't need to be such a big deal. And remember...life isn't about food! Life to the full involves feeling good and healthy in taking care of yourself, and as diagnosed celiacs, we can rejoice in that!

Taylor,

Great post!

[frenchiemama]

There are a few things that I think he knows would bother me to watch him eat (crab rangoon ) and he never brings them around. I figure that I'm the one that is sick not him so why should he have to take the medicine too!

Funny you should mention crab rangoons. That is the one food that truly makes me want to cry when I have to sit and watch someone else eat it.

[spyderbabe]

Well, i gave my boyfriend an early Valentines surprise.

Friday I took him to P.F. Changs for dinner, i was surprised

how knowledgable they were with Celiac disease. He very

much enjoyed what he had off the gluten free menu.

Thanks for all the input.

I do my very best to be sensitive to his condition.

What gets to me is when i order a pizza for my kids

and partake in sharing it with them.

And if there is any left overs the next day or 2 ,

he starts saying things like could you do something with

this. It really bothers him because, pizza is what he misses

most.

I suppose i should be more sensitive to him in that respect.

Since that bothers him the most. But even if he knows i'm

taking the kids out for pizza i can tell he gets sad.

I plan on going to the health food store and getting things

to make gluten free pizza.

But i don't feel i should sneek around and lie when i go out

with my kids to eat pizza just because i know he will give me

that pout. Maybe i should be more open with him that it

hurts my feelings too that he makes such an issue of this?

He also totally freaks out if i eat bread or crackers in the

livingroom on the sofa, he is afraid that i will accidentally

get gluten on the sofa. I try my best not too and yeah, like

all of us, we know we shouldnt eat in front of the tv on the

sofa but we do.

I am going to invest in some tv trays which should solve this.

Thanks again for your information and support!

[debmidge]

You are walking a tightrope with this situation. My husband is celiac and I am not. We've been married 26 years and only 2.5 of them have been gluten-free for him.

On the surface, based on what you said he's upset over pizza which is his favorite. Since you and your kids are able to eat it, and kids really don't understand gluten-free issues, you can't withhold pizza from your kids even while he's around. And you take a piece of it and eat it too. He has to get over this hurdle and come to terms with the fact that there will always be pizza and it won't always be gluten-free pizza. He seems to be implying "If you loved me, you wouldn't eat gluten pizza."

As a compromise make gluten-free pizza for everyone and have a pizza party with that. Maybe he'll get over his control issues about gluten pizza.

Now as to crumbs on couch, etc. I can understand that to a point and can understand it fully if he's living with you and the kids.

[thomas3000]

Just remember one thing, if you're gluten intolerant your kids are!! You share the same genetics. The food we're all talking about (pizza,pasta) is no good for anybody. Do you want your children to experience the same hell that you did? I would minimize gluten in their diets as well. I don't care if I never eat another sandwich or slice of pizza for the rest of my life, it's all empty calories anyway with literally no nutritional value.

[penguin]

I'm new at this, I'm the gluten-free one, and so my husband is new at this also. He shouldn't be a jerk about the pizza thing, but think about if you could never have your favorite food ever again, it's depressing.

Being a celiac is not comperable to a diet like atkins or weight watchers, because with those you can look at the person eating ice cream and say, "when I lose X, I can treat myself to that" or, "if I just have one little bite, I can go back on the diet tomorrow."

For celiacs there is no cheating, no end of the diet. The goal is to keep your intestines intact and functional, not to lose weight or anything.

He, however, should not make you feel guilty. It's his cross to bear and all you can do is be supportive.

My diet is my cross to bear, though I do appreciate it when he makes an effort to make me comfortable and happy (V-day he tricked me, we stayed home and he made a gluten-free feast! My paranoid post was in vain )

Also, since the relationship is relatively new, he may be seeing what his limits are.

[psawyer]

"Just remember one thing, if you're gluten intolerant your kids are!! You share the same genetics."

Not necessarily true for two reasons. The first is that only half of the child's DNA is yours. The other half came from the other parent, making the chances closer to 50 percent.

The second is that the evidence shows that the genes are a prerequisite to developing celiac disease, but that a trigger of some sort is also needed to activate the autoimmune response. This is similar to type 1 diabetes, which has a genetic factor (not as well understood as celiac), and also requires a trigger. Infectious diseases commonly trigger both celiac and diabetes.

[cgilsing]

Funny you should mention crab rangoons. That is the one food that truly makes me want to cry when I have to sit and watch someone else eat it.

I wish I could figure out how to make those!!! I've tried before, but it never turns out right I've been gluten-free for a year and a half and the thought of crab rangoons still makes my mouth water! If I ever get a recipe I can make work I'll be sure to give it to you!

[thomas3000]

Hey Peter,

It's completely true and I have proof of that. Gluten intolerance, not necessarily Celiac is passed on to your children. It might manifest itself in different ways. Gluten intolerance on a sub-clinical level runs through the generations. I would never let kids eat it in bulk anyway, minimally is fine, but should not be fed to kids with every meal...

[Mango04]

Hey Peter,

It's completely true and I have proof of that. Gluten intolerance, not necessarily Celiac is passed on to your children. It might manifest itself in different ways. Gluten intolerance on a sub-clinical level runs through the generations. I would never let kids eat it in bulk anyway, minimally is fine, but should not be fed to kids with every meal...

Can you tell us more about this?

[Rachel--24]

Getting back to the topic...I agree with Debmidge and Chelse. I'm not in a relationship right now because I would like to take care of myself first and get my health back on track. When I do make that step I would never expect that person to not eat gluten foods in front of me...even if its pizza. I dont think you should be made to feel guilty for not having Celiac and for being able to eat pizza with your kids.

I realize alot of people feel their partner should make adjustments and be more sensitive about not eating stuff like pizza so that there will be no hurt feelings. Personally I wouldnt want to take away anything from the person I'm with. If they love pizza...they should be able to enjoy it w/out feeling guilty. If the non-celiac *wants* to be supportive in that way (by not eating pizza in front of you) then GREAT! But let it be by choice and not by demand.

We are the ones that need to be on the diet. I figure if it ever bothered me *that* much to see someone else eat pizza then obviously I havent completely come to terms with this disease...and that would be MY problem. I think instead of focusing on the fact that someone's eating something I cant have I would just make something that I CAN have and enjoy.

I know everyones different but thats just me.

Also...if I was living with someone and they were making crumbs all over the couch I'm sure I'd be frusterated over that and probably a little "scared" of the couch....but thats just me.