[plantime]

Sounds like you need some {{{hugs}}}!! You know what you have to do to feel better, now you just need to do it. Maybe hitting rock bottom is what you need to do to motivate yourself. Get yourself a partner that will hold you accountable with no fudging allowed.

[tarnalberry]

congratulations on your weight loss. there's no reason to be ashamed for taking steps that you felt you had to take. there are many options out there because different things work for different people!

as for you not sticking to the diet, consider yourself scolded.

now then... why do you do this to yourself? you know what you need to do, but you don't do it. you know how you do it, so it's not knowledge. you know why to do it, so it's not purely a motivation thing. so, there's something deeper. and because of that, I would encourage you to consider talking to a counselor on this one. based on what you describe, I suspect there's a mental block here, something psychological, that's keeping you from allowing yourself to be healthy and happy.

you CAN give up wheat-based pizza and bread, even if you switch to non-wheat based pizza and bread, but you don't, and given how much you've been through and how much you do for your daughter, it's probably going to be necessary for you to figure out *why* you won't switch for yourself.

some questions that pop to mind regarding this:
1. how long have you successfully eaten gluten free?
2. what goes through your mind when you eat gluten free but those around you do not?
3. how difficult do you find it to cook gluten free?
4. how easily do you adapt to new and different situations in general?
5. do you readily seek change, or shy away from it at all costs?
6. what's the general state of your self-esteem and self-worth?

I know it's getting into the psychological analysis, but I have a feeling that's where you'll find the answer, given the path you've already taken.

but congratulations.

oh, and I'd like to pass on my belief on willpower - you're not a weak willed person; you're a person who's out of practice using your will power. it's like a muscle; you've got to exercise it and build it's strength, and it can take a lot of exercise and a lot of practice to make it strong. start small, go slow, and build it; you'll be amazed at where it'll be in six months with dedicated practice.

[eKatherine]

Keep in mind that (and they may not have told you this) most people who have that operation suffer from malnutrition for the rest of their lives, as they are unable to consume all the nutrients they need for good health. Combine this with your gluten problems, and you should be able to recognize that you are making yourself sicker and sicker.

Millions of people have done what they had to do when given choices like this. You can do it too, or you will be not only shortening your life, but making the rest of it miserable. Your family needs you.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Don't forget GLUTEN IS ADDICTIVE!!!

I think the best way to break the addiction is to get some good gluten-free substitutes. There are many cookbooks and products available, but you will have to actually do the cooking yourself. I think some decent gluten-free breads and cookies can calm the cravings long enough for you to get over the addiction. I also chowed down on Fritos, which is NOT healthy, but after a couple of weeks, I was able to wean off Fritos when I hadn't been able to wean off chocolate chip cookies or French Bread with butter--Fritos was my substitute, but onece I got over the cookie-bread addiction, I didn't need the Fritos any longer!. And if you bake the breads yourself (I can give you a few recipes as I try them, I hear they are good, and I've already tried one that was quite passable) and eat them hot from the oven, all nice and crusty, they really do satisfy the addiction WITHOUT making you want more and more and more.

Don't buy anything with gluten in it, don't let it in your house! There are some decent gluten-free pizza crusts available, and you can make a very easy one with cooked rice, of all things (sounds ridiculous, but it comes out tasting like crust!)!

And make yourself as busy as you can! Do fun things with your daughter instead of hiding eating pizza which will make you feel horrible and could eventually make your daughter motherless. Go for walks in the park, play frisbee, take Suzuki violin lessons together, join a choir, join a church or a synagogue, do fun art projects, plant a garden, ANYTHING but eat gluten!

This is a great place for support--welcome aboard!!!! Just think--in 6 months you will be offering support to someone shellshocked by a diagnosis of celiac!!!

Oh--one more thought--I bet your husband would agree to eat gluten-free at home (he could always eat whatever he wants when he's away at work). And he wouldn't feel deprived because with all these great new cookbooks out there, you can make everything taste just like it has wheat flour in it (even though it doesn't)!

I'm sure if he knew just how rock-bottom you are feeling, he would do just about anything to support you. Wouldn't he?

[penguin]

I'm sorry you're going through so much with your husband.

FWIW, my dad was an alcoholic sociopath. I say that as nicely as I can because he was a good man with a poor upbringing and psychological problems. He self medicated since he was a teenager. When I was about 9 months old, my mom talked to his psychologist and he said that he would not be able to change until he wanted to, and the sociopathic thing would be the hardest to overcome. He told my mom she had decisions to make. She loved my father very much. My mom kicked him out telling him that as soon as he was clean and sober that he could come back, but until then he couldn't see me and neither could his family for my protection.

Long story short, he died from a drug overdose and chirrosis before that happened. I was 13 when he died, and I never knew him. His twin brother died 8 months later from similar complications.


I share this because unless he wants to change, it's not going to happen. You cannot change him. You probably have some decisions to make regarding your family and you already know that, I'm sure.

Before you can better your situation though, you need to better your health. Your daughter needs you at top strength. Go gluten-free and just do it, it's all you can do. As soon as you decide for yourself that you can do it, then you'll be able to.

((Hugs))

[Green12]

AmandasMommy, on Jun 27 2006, 01:28 PM, said:

i am so not gluten-free. and i am ashamed of my self. i take very good care of amanda and her diet. i know exactly what not to give her. and i am very strict with her diet. i just cant do it my self, i love my pizza, breaded stuff and all.

what have i done to myself? how can i do this to myself? what am i sick from now?

Amanda's Mommy,

I just wanted to add that you have already made the important, crucial, first step to getting better. You have acknowledged your problem and you are looking at it straight on for what it really is. That is not always easy to do and some people never arrive at that step. So imo I think this is a great accomplishment for you!

Now you just need to take the next step and take action. For you this means focusing on getting yourself gluten free, and you CAN do it. There are lots of resources here on this board and endless support to get you through tough times.

Do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

My best of luck to you

[tarnalberry]

AmandasMommy, on Jun 28 2006, 06:38 AM, said:

i feel if he doesn't care about me then why should i care.

because, out of the billions of people in the world, he does not get the sole right of determining your self worth. you give him far, far too much power. and he deserves none.

you determine your self worth.
you decide that you are worth caring about.

and you can see already that a number of people who don't know you, along with other friends and family who do know you, do care about you. and that's not even mentioning your children you care, and rely upon you.

don't let one person, among the masses on this planet, be the one to kill you in every way but physically.

I redouble my urging to go talk to a psychologist about coping with this, and maybe even getting the courage to get yourself and your children in a safer, more constructive environment.

[mart]

Amanda'sMommy:

It's terrible what you're going through. Your behavior looks like blatant depression to me - and it's certainly not your fault. Surely you thought the risk you undertook to become more attractive to your husband would have helped save your marriage. But realize that it's not you...clearly he's the problem here. And the eating gluten thing is a self destructive thing, as you well know. Please see a doctor ASAP. Having experienced depression myself, I recognize it immediately. So much can be done about this. If not for yourself, consider your beautiful little girl. Once you're better, please see if you could get your husband into marriage counseling. But save yourself first.

Hope everything gets better fast.

[Jestgar]

AmandasMommy, on Jun 27 2006, 12:28 PM, said:

what have i done to myself? how can i do this to myself?

I am always amazed at the strength of women who find themselves in intolerable situations and yet manage to survive.

Amanda's Mommy, you are more than strong. You carry the weight of a husband who will not care for himself and two children who cannot. On top of this you and your children have other health considerations. I am overwhelmed by the strength you show just managing life.

I think the people on this board and hopefully other support systems will give you a safe shoulder to cry on when you just need to let everything out. The hardest thing I ever had to learn was how to let other people help me. And you already have learned it.

Jeanna