Admitting To My Diet Problems

[Guest AmandasMommy]

first i am admitting i had a gastric bypass back in oct. i was always 100 pounds overweight i tried diet and exersize, i just couldn't do it. since the surgery i have lost 83 lbs and went down 10 pant sizes. i AM so proud of my self, my husband is too. i look better and feel better about my self. i would do it again.

second, i thought if i had the surgery, i'd start over with the gluten-free diet, it would be easier to diet since i couldn't eat much anyway. i was wrong. i am such a weak willed person that i give in to gluten all the time. i am so upset with my self for eating gluten. now i am sick, i have these purple web like spots on my legs, i have dizzy spells when i stand and everything goes black even though my eyes are open, i have cold and hot spells at night so i cant sleep. im very tired and no energy. my dr says i have bronchitis and some other infection some where that he does not know where. he put me on an antibiotic, and im still sick. the other factor is that i have no health insurance and cant afford any more blood tests or dr visits.

i am so not gluten-free. and i am ashamed of my self. i take very good care of amanda and her diet. i know exactly what not to give her. and i am very strict with her diet. i just cant do it my self, i love my pizza, breaded stuff and all.

what have i done to myself? how can i do this to myself? what am i sick from now?

[plantime]

Sounds like you need some {{{hugs}}}!! You know what you have to do to feel better, now you just need to do it. Maybe hitting rock bottom is what you need to do to motivate yourself. Get yourself a partner that will hold you accountable with no fudging allowed.

[tarnalberry]

congratulations on your weight loss. there's no reason to be ashamed for taking steps that you felt you had to take. there are many options out there because different things work for different people!

as for you not sticking to the diet, consider yourself scolded.

now then... why do you do this to yourself? you know what you need to do, but you don't do it. you know how you do it, so it's not knowledge. you know why to do it, so it's not purely a motivation thing. so, there's something deeper. and because of that, I would encourage you to consider talking to a counselor on this one. based on what you describe, I suspect there's a mental block here, something psychological, that's keeping you from allowing yourself to be healthy and happy.

you CAN give up wheat-based pizza and bread, even if you switch to non-wheat based pizza and bread, but you don't, and given how much you've been through and how much you do for your daughter, it's probably going to be necessary for you to figure out *why* you won't switch for yourself.

some questions that pop to mind regarding this:

1. how long have you successfully eaten gluten free?

2. what goes through your mind when you eat gluten free but those around you do not?

3. how difficult do you find it to cook gluten free?

4. how easily do you adapt to new and different situations in general?

5. do you readily seek change, or shy away from it at all costs?

6. what's the general state of your self-esteem and self-worth?

I know it's getting into the psychological analysis, but I have a feeling that's where you'll find the answer, given the path you've already taken.

but congratulations.

oh, and I'd like to pass on my belief on willpower - you're not a weak willed person; you're a person who's out of practice using your will power. it's like a muscle; you've got to exercise it and build it's strength, and it can take a lot of exercise and a lot of practice to make it strong. start small, go slow, and build it; you'll be amazed at where it'll be in six months with dedicated practice.

[Guest nini]

I almost went down the path of the gastric bypass... I was considering it, my cousin and my aunt had both had it... I was over 100 pounds overweight... when I was dx'ed with celiac, something in me clicked... I was bound and determined to get well... a blessed side effect to learning to eat healthy was that I lost over 105 pounds over 3 years... yeah it's been a slow road, but I'm better off for it... (I'm just sharing this so you know where I'm coming from on this subject)

Not judging you at all for that path you've taken, you did what you thought was the best choice for you with the surgery, and knowing people that have been through the surgery, I know that was not easy.

As to why you won't stick to the gluten-free diet, I agree there is something deeper going on that a counselor might be able to help you with. You need help and can't be expected to do it on your own... You need to figure out why you don't feel like you deserve to be healthy... you take care of your daughter, but you need to put you first!

HUGE HUGS {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Joanie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

take it one day at a time and make the decision to take better care of you and to not ever willingly cheat again... you know that is the only option, getting there is the hard part... wishing you the best.

[eKatherine]

Keep in mind that (and they may not have told you this) most people who have that operation suffer from malnutrition for the rest of their lives, as they are unable to consume all the nutrients they need for good health. Combine this with your gluten problems, and you should be able to recognize that you are making yourself sicker and sicker.

Millions of people have done what they had to do when given choices like this. You can do it too, or you will be not only shortening your life, but making the rest of it miserable. Your family needs you.

[Guest Robbin]

What Tiffany posted was very, very good advice. I would have never dreamed I could give up gluten or dairy or corn. It does take practice and it does get easier when you keep only foods you can eat in the house. Your little girl looks like an angel and she deserves to have a healthy mom to raise her. Just imagine what it would be like for her not to have you. You made a difficult decision by having the surgery. That took courage. You have it in you, obviously. Remember the fact that gluten is poison to you. I have the same problem that you do--I always take much better care of others than myself. It has been very hard to learn how to take care of myself, since I always felt I was unimportant. When everyone around you sees that attitude in you, they sometimes treat you as unimportant too. Don't let anyone tell you that. This becomes a family tradition--you don't care for your health, your kids don't care for their health when they are older because they don't have that role model. The only thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow is not so much will-power as hatred of being sick. I hope you feel better soon and keep us posted on your health, we care for each other on this forum. {{{{{Hug}}}}}

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Don't forget GLUTEN IS ADDICTIVE!!!

I think the best way to break the addiction is to get some good gluten-free substitutes. There are many cookbooks and products available, but you will have to actually do the cooking yourself. I think some decent gluten-free breads and cookies can calm the cravings long enough for you to get over the addiction. I also chowed down on Fritos, which is NOT healthy, but after a couple of weeks, I was able to wean off Fritos when I hadn't been able to wean off chocolate chip cookies or French Bread with butter--Fritos was my substitute, but onece I got over the cookie-bread addiction, I didn't need the Fritos any longer!. And if you bake the breads yourself (I can give you a few recipes as I try them, I hear they are good, and I've already tried one that was quite passable) and eat them hot from the oven, all nice and crusty, they really do satisfy the addiction WITHOUT making you want more and more and more.

Don't buy anything with gluten in it, don't let it in your house! There are some decent gluten-free pizza crusts available, and you can make a very easy one with cooked rice, of all things (sounds ridiculous, but it comes out tasting like crust!)!

And make yourself as busy as you can! Do fun things with your daughter instead of hiding eating pizza which will make you feel horrible and could eventually make your daughter motherless. Go for walks in the park, play frisbee, take Suzuki violin lessons together, join a choir, join a church or a synagogue, do fun art projects, plant a garden, ANYTHING but eat gluten!

This is a great place for support--welcome aboard!!!! Just think--in 6 months you will be offering support to someone shellshocked by a diagnosis of celiac!!!

Oh--one more thought--I bet your husband would agree to eat gluten-free at home (he could always eat whatever he wants when he's away at work). And he wouldn't feel deprived because with all these great new cookbooks out there, you can make everything taste just like it has wheat flour in it (even though it doesn't)!

I'm sure if he knew just how rock-bottom you are feeling, he would do just about anything to support you. Wouldn't he?

[Guest AmandasMommy]

I'm sure if he knew just how rock-bottom you are feeling, he would do just about anything to support you. Wouldn't he?

boy theres no foolin you guys, your all smart enough to notice there is something else. and thank you.

no i dont get support from my husband. he supports his alcoholic, selfish, lieing, cheating needs. i had the surgury not only for my self but to keep him. didn't work, hes still the same. i only get that hes proud of me and i look good, not pretty not beautiful just good. i do feel worthless, and unattractive to him. i cant get the support from someone who is not there. when amanda broke her arm he was at the club and i had to bring her to the club so he can see her.

it is too hard living with an alcoholic. but i stupidly love him too much. yes alanon helped, but he is the one who needs help more. i feel if he doesn't care about me then why should i care. but your all right, my children do care and need me more. i will try to go more gluten-free. and no i have yet to be gluten-free since my diag over a year ago.

i will try harder. yes it is very, very, hard.

[Guest nini]

oh dear... I'm so sorry you are going through this...

but one of my favorite sayings is "there is no Try, there is only DO or DIE"... and this is especially true for you... take care of yourself, Just make the choice right now to be gluten-free for you, and just do it, don't just try, DO... and {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[penguin]

I'm sorry you're going through so much with your husband.

FWIW, my dad was an alcoholic sociopath. I say that as nicely as I can because he was a good man with a poor upbringing and psychological problems. He self medicated since he was a teenager. When I was about 9 months old, my mom talked to his psychologist and he said that he would not be able to change until he wanted to, and the sociopathic thing would be the hardest to overcome. He told my mom she had decisions to make. She loved my father very much. My mom kicked him out telling him that as soon as he was clean and sober that he could come back, but until then he couldn't see me and neither could his family for my protection.

Long story short, he died from a drug overdose and chirrosis before that happened. I was 13 when he died, and I never knew him. His twin brother died 8 months later from similar complications.

I share this because unless he wants to change, it's not going to happen. You cannot change him. You probably have some decisions to make regarding your family and you already know that, I'm sure.

Before you can better your situation though, you need to better your health. Your daughter needs you at top strength. Go gluten-free and just do it, it's all you can do. As soon as you decide for yourself that you can do it, then you'll be able to.

((Hugs))

[Green12]

i am so not gluten-free. and i am ashamed of my self. i take very good care of amanda and her diet. i know exactly what not to give her. and i am very strict with her diet. i just cant do it my self, i love my pizza, breaded stuff and all.

what have i done to myself? how can i do this to myself? what am i sick from now?

Amanda's Mommy,

I just wanted to add that you have already made the important, crucial, first step to getting better. You have acknowledged your problem and you are looking at it straight on for what it really is. That is not always easy to do and some people never arrive at that step. So imo I think this is a great accomplishment for you!

Now you just need to take the next step and take action. For you this means focusing on getting yourself gluten free, and you CAN do it. There are lots of resources here on this board and endless support to get you through tough times.

Do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

My best of luck to you

[Guest Robbin]

My dear, I was once in a similar situation with a lying, cheating, abusive husband with a small child. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but after nine years, he wasn't changing no matter how much I tried to please him. Why should they change when they have it all? The decadent, selfish life they want and a door mat to take care of them. It took me quite a while to get myself together and to leave him, and it was a struggle, but three years after my divorce I met a decent, kind man who has given me tremendous support and love I never thought I would have. Curiously, my ex has turned his life around and is the exact opposite of how he used to be. We have a wonderful 21-yr old son who lives with him now and he is a great dad and he and I get along quite well. He had to go through a lot of bad life experiences to reach his personal "rock bottom" that caused the change in him. No matter what you do, HE has to be the one to want to change. You have to take care of YOU. Your child's life is totally in your hands. What she sees now will shape her future self-image and choices she will make. I will be including you in prayers and hoping for a better life for you and your precious little one. Your first step has got to be to get well. You cannot go on like this -emotional stress and physically ill. Staying gluten-free is the first step to a stronger, healthier you.

[tarnalberry]

i feel if he doesn't care about me then why should i care.

because, out of the billions of people in the world, he does not get the sole right of determining your self worth. you give him far, far too much power. and he deserves none.

you determine your self worth.

you decide that you are worth caring about.

and you can see already that a number of people who don't know you, along with other friends and family who do know you, do care about you. and that's not even mentioning your children you care, and rely upon you.

don't let one person, among the masses on this planet, be the one to kill you in every way but physically.

I redouble my urging to go talk to a psychologist about coping with this, and maybe even getting the courage to get yourself and your children in a safer, more constructive environment.

[mart]

Amanda'sMommy:

It's terrible what you're going through. Your behavior looks like blatant depression to me - and it's certainly not your fault. Surely you thought the risk you undertook to become more attractive to your husband would have helped save your marriage. But realize that it's not you...clearly he's the problem here. And the eating gluten thing is a self destructive thing, as you well know. Please see a doctor ASAP. Having experienced depression myself, I recognize it immediately. So much can be done about this. If not for yourself, consider your beautiful little girl. Once you're better, please see if you could get your husband into marriage counseling. But save yourself first.

Hope everything gets better fast.

[Jestgar]

what have i done to myself? how can i do this to myself?

I am always amazed at the strength of women who find themselves in intolerable situations and yet manage to survive.

Amanda's Mommy, you are more than strong. You carry the weight of a husband who will not care for himself and two children who cannot. On top of this you and your children have other health considerations. I am overwhelmed by the strength you show just managing life.

I think the people on this board and hopefully other support systems will give you a safe shoulder to cry on when you just need to let everything out. The hardest thing I ever had to learn was how to let other people help me. And you already have learned it.

Jeanna

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Hoo boy. I was afraid that he might not be the sensitive type.

I'm not sure where to start. Let's see...okay, here goes:

We don't care what he thinks of you. WE (on this board) think you are a worthy human being, NOT because of how you look, and not even because you are Amanda's mommy, but because you are YOU.

In at least one way (celiac),we are all in the same boat on this board, and we are all very supportive of each other, even though most of us have never seen one another and don't even know each other's names!. Sometimes, being supportive means giving out needed hugs (even if they're the cyber variety), sometimes it means telling someone to get off their butt, sometimes it means telling them to slow down.

In your case, I think being supportive means (at least to me) telling you that YOU CAN DO IT.

Going off gluten is really not that hard on its own. For you, though, it takes on all kinds of added significance if it's the one element of control you feel you have in a life with an emotionally controlling (not to mention alcoholic) husband.

It's going to be hard for you to understand that giving up gluten will actually GIVE you more control, rather than giving up control. I mean, you'll be able to understand it on paper, but putting it into real life is tough. The best I can do at explaining it is to say that gluten is addictive--therefore, it is controlling you, not to mention wreaking havoc with your insides and your immune system. Quitting gluten will put YOU in control.

I can't help wondering, now that I think about it, if it isn't the gluten in beer that is so addictive, in addition to the alcohol....

This thread is a great place for you to talk out your fears, insecurities, anger, whatever--and much cheaper than a psychiatrist's office. Besides, how many psychiatrists have celiac???? We've BEEN there (or are there now), so we can tell you what worked or not for us, and you can bounce ideas off us. And don't forget--we're all struggling with many of the same issues you are!

On the other hand, some kind of professional support might be exactly what you need to make it. Please try to find some, with or without your hubby. If you don't feel comfortable with it, you can always try something else.

Maybe the best way to win your husband's admiration is to have the guts to START and stick with the gluten-free diet. Get control of your life, and let your hubby deal with his. He will either be wowed by your determination and success (and hopefully inspired to join you!), or he will continue to flounder on his own, in which case you probably won't want HIM anymore!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest AmandasMommy]

you all are so great and supportive. i feel like you all know me and where im coming from. one knows about alcoholism. another knows about depression. you all know about celiac and what im doing to myself. thank you.

i took my vitamins today and will try to rem to take them every day. last night at midnight i ate moz sticks and got sick. i cant do that anymore. i love gluten but like you said gluten is poison to me as well as i know why i dont give it to my daughter. i cant take care of any 3 of my children if i am constantly sick.

my other problem is why i was overweight in the first place, i love food. i also know when is am depressed, i eat, i realize also that i will gain the weight back if i dont stop watching what i eat. i dont want to gain weight, i dont want to die and leave my children with people who dont know how to take care of them, MY way.

i am sick of being sick. i need to get better, my children need me, and i need all of you. with your constant love and support i feel i can do it. i need to keep coming to this forum and talking to all of you. thankyou.

when i do finally get health insurance i will go to my doctors. untill then there is nothing i can do except take my vitamins and try harder to eat right.

by the way, my name is joanie.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[hugggggs back}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]]

[Guest nini]

Joanie, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

just a reminder, Gluten aggravates depression, so if you get the gluten out of your system, I betcha the depression will GO AWAY! At least it did in my case. I struggled with depression for many many years, and after going gluten-free, The depression has completely gone away.

Go through all your cabinets and create an area of gluten-free foods, keep all the gluten-free foods in one area, stock up on some gluten-free goodies, cookies, chips, whatever... and only go to that area when you are hungry. Or feeling the need to munch. Create an area in your fridge that is only gluten-free foods... don't look at the other foods... don't allow yourself to go there. Don't give in to it. Keep reminding yourself that gluten is poison to you and make that your mantra if you have to "gluten is poison, gluten is poison, gluten is poison"...

you know you have to do this, you have the power to do this, you do not need a Dr. to help you with it, you just do it. You've got us... we've got your back, and we are gonna hold you accountable to you!!! You have too much to live for to not take care of yourself.

Taking your vitamins is a start, but from this instant forward, tell yourself NO GLUTEN period... it's not allowed at all... tell yourself whatever you have to tell yourself to get it through your head that gluten is evil, bad, awful for you and know that it will be ok...

find some gluten-free goodies that you enjoy so that you won't feel deprived... if you liked oreos, get some Kinnikinick KinniToos... OMG! they are soooo good! If you liked chips ahoy, get Kinnikinicks Montana's Chocolate Chip Cookies! Allow yourself some treats so you don't feel deprived, but remember to watch your portions. I know you can do this.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Hang in there, Joanie! I gotta run--I'll write more tonight.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Hi, Joanie,

I've been thinking all day--what would I say to you if you were sitting at my kitchen table, sipping a cup of herbal tea (doesn't that sound good?)? (And remembering that I really DON'T know you, or your husband.)

So, I'm pretending I woke up and found myself in your situation. This is what I would want to say to Hubby. Actually, me being me, I would probably write it out and give it to him in a letter (I write better than I talk).

"Okay, (fill in hubby's name here), it's pretty obvious that we are both unhappy, and the ways we deal with our unhappiness are pretty destructive to our health and to our marriage and family. As you know, I eat when I am unhappy--and I eat exactly the things I shouldn't. You drown your misery in alcohol. Neither of these things really makes u s happier, and in my case, it's making me more and more unhappy, unhealthy, and even sick.

It seems to me that we have three choices:

Choice #1: We can continue our lives without changing anything.

Choice #2: We can decide that, as a family, we are all bettter off if we split up and try to find happiness away from each other.

Choice #3: We can give our marriage and our family one last shot--and try to change our lives so that we are happy and productive, and give our daughter a healthy, happy childhood. I would like to try Choice #3. Would you be willing to give it a try with me?

I need to ask for your help and support in dealing with my celiac disease. I am finding it terribly hard to stay away from the foods I love, but if you could help me by not bringing them into the house, I think I can do it. My friends tell me that I can make gluten-free substitutes that are REALLY good, and they'll share the recipes, so I'll do my best to see that you get the kind of food at home that you like. And of course, you can eat whatever you like out of the house.

That may seem like a lot to ask of you, but please remember that the doctors say that itf I can't get gluten completely out of my system FOREVER, I will likely end up with one or more very painful and expensive auto-immune diseases. I don't want to end up there, nor do I want to saddle you or our daughter with this kind of horror.

I am happy to give you whatever help and support you would like. If you want to try quitting drinking, I'll do whatever you need me to do to help with that. If you don't want to quit, I won't nag you about it--it's up to you, of course. You let me know which way you would like it.

Maybe it would be a good idea if we ask someone for help with our marriage issues. I don't mean that we should go whining and complaining to a stranger. I mean that we should find a qualified professional (or minister from church?) to give us advice on how we can both find what we want in our marriage, what we can do when times get tough (besides eat gluten and drink alcohol), and what we can do to make things better. I'm not looking to throw blame here--I'm looking to improve things.

We both know that what we've been doing has not been working, but maybe we can find a way to make it all work again."

I'm sure you can put this into even better words, and put specifics in that are important to your marriage.. Or maybe this isn't how you feel at all. I just thought it would be interesting to see how someone else might try to fix this sort of thing.

Before I met my husband, I was with a wonderful guy for a couple of years--but we really wanted different thigns out of life (I wanted kids and he didn't). We agreed not to fight or even talk about this big conflict, but we ended up fighting about EVERY stupid little thing under the sun instead. At the end of the relationship, we went for counseling, where we finally learned what was making us tick--and what was making us not tick. My marriage benefits from the painful lessons I learned from that relationship (though I still make plenty of stupid mistakes in my marriage, as does my husband--but at least they're not the SAME stupid mistakes I made in my first relationship!).

At any rate, if you try this sort of approach with your husband, be prepared for him to react either with enthusiasm (as though he'd been hoping you'd come up with something like this!) or total disregard or disgust (like he can't believe you came up with something like this). And have your course of action planned out either way!

[sparkles]

I just read through your post and the replies because I too am considering surgery for weight loss.... But what struck me the most was the pain that you are feeling. There is a lot going on in your life... a lot of sadness and depression. The food thing, especially since you know that Gluten is not your friend, is just the tip of the iceberg. Don't punish yourself because you aren't the person someone else wants you to be. I was in a 28 year emotionally abusive relationship. I finally gathered up the courage to end the relationship but I see the damage that has been done to my kids because I didn't have the courage to say and do the things I needed to say and do while I was married to their dad. I am not suggesting that you leave your spouse...only that you evaluate what is going on in your life and GET SOME HELP. If he won't come with you, then go alone but you have a child and that child needs you whole. You aren't whole and healthy now. You need to get some help to survive both mentally and physically. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This forum cannot solve your problems.... you need one on one help that none of us here can give to you. Please talk to someone who is a professional and can help you with what is really going on in your life. Sometimes we stay in situations because no matter how bad they are at least we know what they are like and changing means facing the unknown. One other side bar, gluten can contribute to depression. What you are feeling is certainly due in part or mostly to the situation that you are in BUT there is the possibility that eliminating gluten from your diet can help you get a handle on your depression. Getting a handle on the depression by eliminating gluten just might be the lifeline you need to becoming healthy again!!!!! It won't be THE solution but it might be the beginning of finding a way to solve the challenges that you face. Good luck.....

[gfp]

The first question is when you say always 100lbs overweight do you mean always or since the marriage/relationship?

I don't want to sound too unkind but it seems you and hubby are using each other's weaknesses as (and all at the same time) an excuse, a way to get at the other person, a way not to face it ...

You seem to be mutually feeding on each other's weaknesses ... and Fiddle-Faddle's suggestion to see a councellor really seems like your best option to break this cycle. You are it seems in an emotional catch-22 ... and alternating between self destructive to yourself and self destructive to the relationship....

But you are better than that... first off you asked for help... that is the hardest 90% over with. You might not see it that way right now but once you accept the problem and ask people to help you have made that first and most difficult step.

Living with an alcoholic is NOT fun... Beleive me I've done it and your questions are probably:

But when can I talk to him, he's either grumpy or drunk?

Not an easy situation at all.....

[Guest AmandasMommy]

no, i did not start gaining weight when i met my husband. i was overweight when we met. and he was an alcoholic when we met.

i did not grow up with alcoholics, so i had no idea about drinking too much, or anything else about it. i had to learn myself after marriage that he had a disease called alcoholism from alanon.