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Dh Definitely Doesnt Stand For Dear Husband Today!


Guest AutumnE

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Guest AutumnE

edited for personal reasons

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queenofhearts Explorer
:angry:

We have a 2 year old dd. My celiac disease (ibs thought originally) came full force after the birth of my daughter. Our sex life has diminished greatly over this time. He works nights so its hard during the daytime to be intimate except on the weekends. He was put on different blood pressure pills so I thought it must be that and being tired that's common with a new child. I know he isnt cheating for the fact of time and I hope he wouldnt do that (he said he isnt) since no money is spent and he is literally at home always when he gets off of work. He never goes out alone or with his friends ( his choice).

I am sick of our sex life being so horrible. Im only in my early thirties, I'm thinking of the grass being greener on the other side and my mind is starting to drift. I cant imagine me ever cheating (just dont have it in me) but I'm angry all the time anymore and just not expressing it so he isnt aware.

I brought up the subject last night again on why we arent having more sex, we are talking once a month or every two months. He finally told me the truth after 2 years. It's because of my gi upset with gluten that I have had a hard time getting under control lately. I always feel like I'm accidentally glutened. Plus my doctor just put me on glucophage so Im having gi issues with that also. He has ocd but still I cant believe this. He said it disgusts him to think about it since I have stomach upset so much anymore.

I cried all night last night and still crying today over it but very angry also today. I have a hard enough time dealing with this yet alone his ridicule making me feel more gross about it. He knows it is something I cant control but apparently that doesnt matter. I dont ever want to have sex with him again. He mentioned sex last night but I dont want pity sex or because he feels bad about what he feels/said. Obviously its not a deal breaker since I have a daughter but he makes me so angry when I look at him.

I dont know how to get over this, has anyone else had a problem like this? I feel so alone.......

I'm so sorry, I know you must feel very hurt. I haven't had this issue, but I can imagine it would be devastating. Just try to think of it as an expression of his OCD, & not a personal thing... but I know that's hard. Maybe he should talk with his psychiatrist about this. Is he on meds for the OCD?

I can relate to the timing issues at least. My husband runs a restaurant & he works nights as often as not. When the boys were little it made things tough, but once they were in school it actually made it easier, so long as you don't mind "afternoon delight"! I hope your NDH gets help for his issues, you get healthier, & you both are back enjoying one another soon.

Leah

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qwertyui Rookie

I understand. I do! I have been married for less that a year and my husband and I have had sex 6 times. That is all! We haven't done it in over 2 months. I have tried to to talk to him about it and nothing works. He is great about everything else though. Hugs, kisses, snuggling, grabbing, etc., just not sex. I don't know if it because of my GI problems, and I can't get him to talk about it. It breaks my heart. I have asked him "do we not have sex because I might get pregnant?" I am sure that he does not want children, although he agreed prior to marriage. And I just turned 36, so not a lot of time! So - I understand the loneliness and the frustration. I'm sorry we both have to go through this.

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CarlaB Enthusiast

Sorry you're going through this. A good sex life is important for the closeness of a good marriage. Since he's ocd, why not be freshly showered when he gets home from work and wear something he likes seeing you in. Have someone take care of your daughter ... ;)

It's important to talk about it, but at the right time and it's important to be open about what the problem is.

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Fiddle-Faddle Community Regular

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. :(

Can you find counseling, either by yourself (good) or with him (much better)? If he has a diagnosis of OCD, would whoever he is seeing agree to see both of you together or reccomend a marriage counselor?

It sounds like the sex thing is just the tip of the iceberg, maybe a symptom of poor or nonexistent communication. He needs to know--and CARE--how devastated you are. And he needs to be able to communicate his feelings better. And, a hot issue like this, you both need to be able to sit down and figure out how you will handle this together so that he is not repulsed and you are not devastated.

Maybe a week of candlelight bedtime baths together WITHOUT sex might lead to something more....

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tarnalberry Community Regular

I would, based on my own experiences and what you describe, highly encourage you two to talk to a sex therapist together. This is almost certainly something you two will need professional help to overcome.

You say "He knows it is something I cant control but apparently that doesnt matter." But realize that, with OCD, it may be something HE can't control as well, so you two are actually doing the same thing to each other. (I understand why, though!) This is why I say it may well take a trained third party to help you both move past this and find a way around it.

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Nantzie Collaborator

In addition to all the good advice here, you should really look into the possibility of your husbands having Testosterone Deficiency. My husband has it. He's 36, and has pretty much always had it. We dated in high school and he was never trying to "jump me" like other guys. I just thought he was nice. Turns out he just wasn't fighting the surging hormones like most teenage boys.

I had the same sexual issues with my husband. And since neither one of us knew what was going on, he came up with all sorts of reasons, many of them "my fault". We were having sex about once every 6-8 weeks, and that was only because that would be the point in time where I would just get so upset that I'd start crying and then in the next few days was the pity sex, which in a lot of ways is worse than no sex at all. When we got married, I had to tell him that we WERE going to have sex on our wedding night, and whatever he had to do to get in the mood, he'd better freaking do it.

I found out about testosterone deficiency at about 2am after crying my eyes out. I just found it on the internet. I made an appt with his doctor to check it, and his doctor said that his testosterone level was so low that he was shocked we had managed to have two kids.

The doctor didn't say what caused it for my husband, but one of the stories his mom has from him growing up was that when he was really little, he got into her purse and ate a whole month's worth of birth control pills. She rushed him to the doctor, and the doctor just kind of laughed it off and said he'd be fine. I don't know if that caused it or not though.

It wasn't more than about a month or two after starting treatment when he actually initiated sex. I was watching TV, minding my own business, and he started wanting to mess around. YAY!!

He takes Androderm patches, which deliver the testosterone through his skin.

By the way, my husband is 6'2", broad-shouldered, deep-voiced and athletic. He doesn't have a less masculine appearance, like you might think with such a severe hormone imbalance.

Some of the things that are common with testosterone deficiency are sparse or absent body hair, like on the arms, legs and chest. Also, a thick head of hair. He has SO much hair. That man is never going to go bald. He also was tired all the time before we found out about testosterone deficiency.

Here's a link that have more information. There is a lot of information out there, so if you do a web search on "testosterone deficiency" or "low testosterone".

Open Original Shared Link

Nancy

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Green12 Enthusiast
Here's a link that have more information. There is a lot of information out there, so if you do a web search on "testosterone deficiency" or "low testosterone".

Open Original Shared Link

Nancy

This is really good info Nantzie, bringing awareness to hormonal imbalances in men.

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ebrbetty Rising Star

you've been given some great advice, so I'll just send you a ((((HUG))))

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Guest AutumnE

Edited for personal reasons

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hez Enthusiast

I think couseling would be a good idea. I know many people (including myself) that have really benefited.

Hez

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Guest AutumnE

qwertyui- Im sorry you have to go through this too, I hope its not the same reason Im looking at. If it is, it may be best not to know. I kinda wish I didnt, it makes it harder to deal with even though I kept on asking.

Nancy- thanks for sharing your story too, Im sorry you had to go through that but thankfully you have had a wonderful outcome! I hope I can have the same result soon.

This was such a hard topic for me to bring up, I'm not the type to air that stuff. It just completely devastated me and it still does. Thanks for allowing me to know Im not alone, it means the world to me :)

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Green12 Enthusiast
I'm thinking about going to counseling by myself, to get over this as best I can and deal with it. Hopefully he will come around also but I dont hold out hope for it. I never would have thought that we would have this problem when he met me nine years ago and couldnt keep his hands off me.

Thanks again everyone its nice to have so much suppourt :)

I'm glad to hear you are considering getting some counseling for yourself. :) I think that is a step in a very positive direction. You can't force someone to get help when they don't think they even have a problem, but you can do everything you can to get yourself some outside support and assistance in order to get yourself strong.

Good luck :)

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Guest AutumnE

Thanks Hez :)

Thanks Julie :)

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Nantzie Collaborator

No problem. I just remember going through YEARS of thinking I was the only one. Hearing things on talk shows or in magazines like if your husband isn't getting it from you, he's got to be getting it somewhere else used to just kill me. Because I knew with absolute certainty he wasn't getting it anywhere else. So it must be that I was the only woman in the world who couldn't turn on her husband. It was awful. Knowing that you're not alone always helps so much.

The way that I approached it with him was to send him this email (can't believe I still have it!):

Sound familiar?

Decrease in sports performance/endurance

Lack of energy

Decrease in strength/endurance

Falling asleep in the evening/before normal bedtime

Sparse or absent body hair

Increase in body fat

Grumpiness/Irritability

Fatigue

................

There are other symptoms I think, but these were the ones he had.

When he got home I asked him if he had gotten my email, and he said Yea. What's the punchline?

Then I told him that it turns out that men get imbalances in their hormone levels just like women. It seems like one of the things that made him want to go to the doctor about it was he was just so exhausted all the time. Also one of the things that can happen with untreated testosteone deficiency is decreasing muscle mass.

When I made the appt with his doctor, and they asked me what it was for, I told them that he had all the symptoms of testosterone deficiency, and needed to be checked for it. I'm pretty sure he didn't even need to bring it up. They saw it on the chart and asked HIM about it.

I remember that he would get really down on himself about all of this before we figured it out. He knew him not having a sex drive wasn't normal, and he saw how upset it made me, and he really hated it. Knowing that there was a physical reason, and that it wasn't something psychologically abnormal about it, was a huge weight off his shoulders.

Things are great now. Actually, right now, I've been dealing with excruciating sciatica (shooting pain down my leg from my hip to my knee) for the last couple of months. So I'm out of commision right now. He's talked ME into it a couple times though... :wub: But for the most part, it's a no-go. I hate being in pain like this, for a hundred different reasons, but part of me kinda liked making him suffer for a while there (bad wife! bad, bad wife! :ph34r::lol: ) . Now, I just want the pain to go away...

Because our relationship definitely didn't revolve around sex, it gave us both a chance to know each other better. Now that we're on the other side of that whole thing, I think we're closer, although we got to the point before we figured this all out where we were just fed up with each other and were kind of avoiding each other at one point too.

Being on testosterone replacement hasn't turned him into a horndog, thank goodness. Which was something I was a little leary about when he went to the doctor, because who wants that? Before my sciatica started up, it was about once a week or so, which may sound like not much to some people, but it matches my sex-drive perfectly. Not only is he interested without me bringing it up, but he's also RECEPTIVE to me flirting with him. So we're both happy with how things are.

I hope all that and MORE for you and your husband.

Nancy

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ravenwoodglass Mentor

Hi, I am sorry you are dealing with this and agree with the advice given by other posters. I would however like you to consider one other possibility in addition, he may himself be celiac. There are gluten intolerant folks who display symptoms that are more psychological in appearance. He also may have gut issues that he doesn't want to share with you or that he feels are minor or 'normal'. My family all presented with OCD, depression and other problems even when GI issues were minor or thought to be non-existant. My DH had a once a year on our anniversary sort of sex drive and when we we married I couldn't care less because my drive was the same. Celiac misdiagnosis and improper meds drove us into seperate living before our 6th anniversary. He was recently diagnosed himself because I insisted with his doctor. The doc rolled his eyes and ran the test rather than argue and guess who came back positive. Since his diagnosis he is a different person, much more alert and attentive and if this had only been done 15 years ago we would without a doubt still be completely a couple. I would encourage you to broach the subject of testing with him.

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CarlaB Enthusiast
Since his diagnosis he is a different person, much more alert and attentive and if this had only been done 15 years ago we would without a doubt still be completely a couple. I would encourage you to broach the subject of testing with him.

Maybe it's time to start over ;)

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ravenwoodglass Mentor
Maybe it's time to start over ;)

That might be possible if we both were not so happy with the seperate house arrangement and if I had not been so severely effected mentally from the celiac and the meds I was given right before we split up and after. We both know we will never marry anyone else and talk and visit daily but ever live with another person!!!!????? we both shudder at the thought. Kids excepted in my case. In this instance 2 Aspies married works, but only in different houses and after a lot of effort.

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GFBetsy Rookie

Autumn -

Another thing that might help you is to do some serious research about OCD on your own. My DH has OCD. We had been married for 4 or more years before he finally told me about any of the compulsions he was dealing with. People with OCD are awfully embarrassed about the things they have to do. They look at their own behaviours and think "I've got to be crazy!" Because they don't want everyone else to "know" they are crazy, they hide all the things they worry about and the compulsions they do to aleviate the worry. Those who have cleanliness obsessions may also work very hard to convince themselves that their cleaning needs are normal and that everyone else is just disgusting.

The reason I tell you this is because you need to understand that his reactions are NOT your fault. His brain is incorrectly processing seratonin. That's just the way it is. Being married to you doesn't make it worse. OCD is an anxiety disorder, and if he weren't anxious about your GI issues, he would be anxious about something else.

The good news (for people who feel that taking meds for "mental illness" is out of the question - and it sounds as though he DOES feel that way) is that OCD is one of the most treatable "mental illnesses." Behavioural therapy doesn't require any meds at all, just personal determination. You don't even need to see a counselor, though it can be very helpful to have someone giving you "homework" assignments. You do need to realize, though, that if he is unwilling to do something about his problem, you can't make him. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You can learn as much about it as you can and do little things to help him (essentially providing "water" for the "horse") but you can't force him to take the big steps. He's got to choose that course on his own.

Some of the best books about OCD that I have found are "Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals", "Everything in its place", "Brain Lock", "The OCD Workbook", and "Devil in the Details".

"Devil in the Details" and "Everything in its place" are individul's stories about their own troubles with OCD. "Everything .. ." is the story of Marc Summers, the host of the Nikelodeon show "Double Dare". "Devil . . . " is the story of a girl who (at age 12) suddenly realized all the judaic laws she wasn't keeping. "Devil in the Details" is VERY funny, and might help him see the excesses of OCD. (Though it might just offend him . . . you'll have to be the judge of how much humor he would find in it.)

"Tormenting Thoughts . . . " goes into a lot more detail about the various manifestations of OCD and the research behind our knowledge of the disease. "Brain Lock" and "The OCD Workbook" both discuss behavioural therapy and ways of dealing with OCD without medications.

If I had to pick just one book, I would tell you to read "Tormenting thoughts". It will help you to understand a lot of things about your husband that are just frustrating to you right now. That, in turn, will help you as you try to resolve the problems his OCD is contributing to in your relationship.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it is helpful.

Best Wishes!

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CarlaB Enthusiast
That might be possible if we both were not so happy with the seperate house arrangement and if I had not been so severely effected mentally from the celiac and the meds I was given right before we split up and after. We both know we will never marry anyone else and talk and visit daily but ever live with another person!!!!????? we both shudder at the thought. Kids excepted in my case. In this instance 2 Aspies married works, but only in different houses and after a lot of effort.

My grandparents lived almost their entire marriage with separate bedrooms. My grandmother had told me that they planned on getting divorced when my dad grew up, but things were working just fine the way they were and Grandpa promised he would make their retirement better than things had been up to that point. They were always great friends, but basically lived separately in the same house. I'm too high maintenance for that arrangement ;) . Not that it has anything to do with it, but my dad and I think my grandmother was gluten intolerant.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest AutumnE

edited for personal reasons

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