Relationship Problems

[rachellek]

Hi, I've been having some problems in the last few months since my gluten challenge (I say some with tongue in cheek)...I started my gluten challenge march 23rd and had my biopsy June 23rd. It seems that everytime I'm turning around I gluten myself inadvertedly (I think since intentionally eating it I've become so much more sensitive...either that or I"m reacting to other things as well -MSG for sure ) . Anyway, I've been a basket case. IE. stomach problems non stop, headaches, nausea, irritability, brain fog like you wouldn't beleive, negativity like you wouldn't believe, depression etc etc. This has been a real test of my relationship with my husband. I find that he doesn't entirely beleive my symptoms...I think if I had something visible that he could see like vomitting or visible bloating, maybe some hives or the DH, he might believe me. Either way, he's at the end of his rope and is not helping me at all in the way of support with the kids, job etc. I can't stand to have any intimacy because my stomach and all things connected are sooooo sore. My relationship is really suffering.

Now I would like to know if any of you have or would make any kind of permanent decisions or actions in this state of mind. I know you don't know me and may not want to give advise. All I can tell you is that I"m very very unhappy and thinking back, feel that our relationship hasn't been that strong for years and this may be the straw that breaks the camels back. Should I make a change while I'm feeling so brainfogged and depressed? Or continue this way even though I feel that he's hurting my emotional health and maybe impeding my healing? Have any of you made life altering decisions like this when in a gluten crisis. (In case you're wondering, I have three small children- I think if I had less family stuff to worry about, I may be able to concentrate on what goes in my mouth and not gluten myself.)

I have to tell you how immensely helpful the forums have been. Most days I don't feel good enough about myself to post a question so I just read and it seems like every time I've been able to find someone who's going through the same thing as me. I want to tell you all thank you. I really needed this support and think I may have gone around the bend without it. I really do feel alone and the forums help so much.

[Nantzie]

You may have read this on one of my posts already, but I'll tell it again because what you said is exactly what I was feeling back in October.

My husband was horrible. He spent about two hours one night going off on me; yelling at me, telling me I was a hypochondriac, telling me that I wanted to be sick, that I was just trying to manipulate everyone into doing things for me, that I just wanted people to feel sorry for me, that I needed a psychiatrist not a blood test. It was really bad.

I was WAY beyond furious. I had put up with his sh*t for years, and he can't even stand by me. Like you, things hadn't been a fairy tale. Not horrible, just not sunshine and wildflowers. But this was the worst he'd ever been.

If it hadn't been for the kids, I guarantee that that would have been the LAST time he would have ever seen me. I don't believe in divorcing if you've got kids. But WAY more than that, I don't believe in being treated like dirt for the rest of my life. So I quietly decided to give him six months to get his sh*t together or I was going to leave the b*stard, um, I mean re-evaluate the situation...

Fast forward to Valentine's Day.

He came home from work with a grocery bag FILLED with gluten-free baking mixes from the gluten-free section that he had noticed at the grocery store near his work, and some flowers. He had forgotten which brand of chocolates were gluten-free, and didn't want me to get sick.

I think that me just not mentioning anything about it to him EVER again during that time, and just going gluten-free, he was able to see with his own eyes what a HUGE difference it made. Also, he was able to see what an effect me getting glutened had. Before gluten-free, I was exhausted all the time. After gluten-free, I was downright perky. If I get glutened now, I'm back to being exhausted again.

So, you might want to consider just doing what you've got to do with going gluten-free. It's not like he can shove the food down your throat... Give him some time to get used to it all, and then re-evaluate.

When a person who has been suffering for years finds out about celiac and everything finally makes some sense, for some reason, husbands, best friends, family, co-workers, etc., just go nuts. I don't get it. If you had discovered that you might have diabetes or something, all they would have said was "oh." It's maddening. I don't get it. But I can tell you that it's ridiculously common.

Now, nine months later, if my husband is cooking, he will call me from the store to have me check and make sure something is gluten-free, or he'll have me read the labels when he gets home. There is also a stew thing that he makes that he always used to use Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup in. But it has GLUTEN in it. So he can't. He's now gotten to the point where he makes his own substitutions to make the same type of texture in the end product. Cream, fresh mushrooms, onions and Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Flour.

My in-laws also weren't supportive (just assuming that what my husband said about me at the time was true, I'm sure...). On 4th of July, my FIL, who doesn't really talk to me, came all the way over to the other side of the backyard where I was eating, to make sure I had found some things that I could eat.

So in the space of nine months, everyone has gone through a huge transformation. That was all with me just keeping my mouth shut, minding my own business, and letting the results speak for themselves.

I hope your husband goes through a similar transformation as mine did.

{{HUGS}}

Nancy

[Guest adamssa]

Hi Rachellek,

First, I am sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I know firsthand how hard it is when people do not understand how possible it is to feel crappy every day. About the making a decision w/depression and brain fog: I too have put off major decisions while waiting for the major brain fog to subside. To be completely honest with you, I don't know what the best decision is. Maybe you want to maybe give yourself a certain amount of time (not a very long time) to see if you can maybe get your symptoms down just so that they are not so very overwhelming, and then consider it again in that frame of mind. But if you feel the indications are strong that things are bad...Sorry to leave you w/contradicting advice, just wanted to let you know I know how hard this can make relationships, it won't always be like this though.

Best of luck, hang in there,

Sara

[rachellek]

Nantzie,

thank you so much for the reply. I hope too but don't think my story will end as well as yours. I can hope though. I really don't think I have enough energy or mental strength to make a change right now so I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other like you said.

My symptoms and testing seem to be very similar to yours. My doctors are making me feel like a hypochondriac because my biopsy showed nothing as well. For some reason only god knows, my husband beleives them over me who knows her body very well and improved miraculously after 6 months gluten free last year and beginning of this year...I should have never let my gastroenterologist talk me into that challenge.

I am waiting for my enterolab kit to arrive and I'm hoping that when I get results from that my husband may beleive me. I think even if it is black and white, he will still continue to act like the child he is and put his needs first instead of the families'.

thank you again, you made me feel like there is hope!

Rachelle

[DingoGirl]

Nantzie - - what amazing words of encouragement you've given for Rachelle. I am not married so can't address those specific problems as you can, but, wow, what a change for you. That is absolutely wonderful.

Also - - I am so grateful to you for posting that thread about your psychologist wanting to know about gluten and mental/emotional issues. What a brilliant thread that lets us know we are not alone.

So, having said that, Rachelle, I hope you have read or will read that thread, realize that you WILL get better the longer you're off gluten, just keep at it, and, probably not a good idea to make any major decisions or changes at this time - your brain is still in a fog and your body not right either. Just keep getting yourself as healthy as you can, let time progress, and keep coming to this board for support. We do understand!

Sending love and hugs - -

[tarnalberry]

While in no way related to this disease, I've been in somewhat similar situations, and my best advice is *not* to make such decisions when you're not able to fully, calmly, rationally, objectively think about these things. The fact that he just plain ol' thinks that you're lying is a problem - but he may not realize that when he says he doesn't believe you, that he is saying that he thinks you're lying. I think there may be some communication that you need to do. If you're not able to communicate about sensitive subjects calmly together, you may want a third party involved (yep, couples counseling), because communication is vital. As is respect, and that appears to be missing.

[gfp]

Non acceptance by loved ones is a recurrent theme ...

People simply have a problem that something you have been eating your whole life which is almost universally accepted as a staple food can be the cause.

Everyone has different circumstances but if you are anything like me with brain fog then non-communication comes pretty high up the list. Perhaps husbands have a hard time because they like trying to fix things and this cannot be fixed!

I think a course of action can be to print out some of the brain-fog posts and some of the medical literature and ask your husband to just read it. Tell him you need his support either way .... that you are depressed and need his support ... and that is regardless of the gluten or not.

I can't stand to have any intimacy because my stomach and all things connected are sooooo sore. My relationship is really suffering.

From his perspective:

You have been acting strangly ... the way men react to their spouses lack of attention and feelings of rejection is to try and be intimate. This doesn't make any sense ... but its true. It doesn't make any sense that when your a teenager you think riding a bike without hands will attract a female... or about 100 other things inept boys think will attract a girl its just the way we are!

Being a bit older I now recognise that a girls lack of sex drive can be nothing to do with me.... but I still have the feeling I need to be more intimate.. the more things deteriorate the more the lack of intimiacy will play on him and each rejection just builds up. Each rejection just makes the need to be intimate more pressing and the feeling he will loose you if he can't be intimate.

If you have got to the point of rejecting all intimacy because of where it might lead then this exasperates the problem... your husband needs to know you love him and the more you push away the more and stronger he will feel that need.

Yes its shallow but its also true.

I can't stand to have any intimacy because my stomach and all things connected are sooooo sore.

You need to ask yourself if this is the real reason, no need to answer to anyone except yourself but you need to be certain you are being completely honest with yourself over this.

[cmdt]

I just logged on for the first time in a while and posted my first message. Yesterday, we found out that our youngest daughter has tested positive. That is another whole story...

But in response to your posting. I really feel for what you must be going through. Although we certainly have our "moments" my husband has been supportive, though I think initially sceptical, since my diagnosis and our 2nd daughter's diagnosis over the past 7 months. It is my best friend who has completely dropped out of my life since a week or so after my biopsy was done.

We were having some issues, but nothing insurmountable as far as I could see. I also realize now that much of my irritability and impatience was due to my celiac's (depression, lack of sleep, response to not feeling well--I'm sure you know the story). It's funny how you don't realize how bad you were feeling, or for how long you had been feeling that way, until you actually feel better!

I am sure my friend has no idea how much additional pain she has caused me or my family, or if she does she just doesn't care. I have a approached her a couple of times (email) but basically she is done with me. She won't even acknowledge the impact that celiac disease has had on my life, and doesn't even know that my kid (now 2 of my kids) have been diagnosed as well.

It is so sad to have someone close to you walk out of your life. It is a double-whammy to have this happen when you are already going through something challenging. Even when people say, "you find out who your true friends are..." it doesn't help. The pain and sadness are still there. There is no way to rationalize another person's inability to be supportive to someone they are close to. It just sucks.

I can say all the things people have said to me, and I'm sure to you as well: Focus on what you have to do to make yourself better. Try not to let other people's negativity bother you... blah, blah, blah. I know that when you have to live under the same roof as someone every day, that is nearly impossible.

[eleep]

I would say hang in there, don't make any rash or sudden decisions, get some distance if you can (if the stress between you is getting too high) and give yourself some time to heal. It would be good if you can agree upon this together, but I know that's not always possible.

2nd on the counseling and having him read up a bit suggestions.

I did not handle a similar situation very well at all, so this is what I suggest in hindsight.

[rachellek]

(/quote)

If you have got to the point of rejecting all intimacy because of where it might lead then this exasperates the problem... your husband needs to know you love him and the more you push away the more and stronger he will feel that need.

Yes its shallow but its also true.

You need to ask yourself if this is the real reason, no need to answer to anyone except yourself but you need to be certain you are being completely honest with yourself over this.

[CarlaB]

Hang in there. We've been married 21 years. We always came out stronger as a couple after a difficult time, and yes, everyone has difficult times. Try to lose your bitterness to him, that will only push him further away. I liked what Nancy said, too, about not talking about it. Let the results speak for themselves, let him come around on his own. Try also to find times when your stomach does not hurt and seduce him. He probably doesn't feel needed/wanted, and that's important to a man. A woman being intimate to placate him isn't what he's looking for, which could contribute to his "daily need." If you go out of your way to give him what he wants expecting nothing in return, he might surprise you in a similar way. But give it time. It might not be the first few times that he comes around with his surprise.

[gfp]

Thanks gfp for the male perspective, I really do need it as you see, my husband is not communicating with me. We have a huge and long history of this, anytime we are not intimate for a few days or he is upset by something I've done, he just shuts down and won't talk. We basically live under the same roof and raise the kids, are civil to each other but no communication happens- we can go on like this for a month if I don't intervene. I call it the love swith...Oh, he's mad and the love switch is turned off. When he wants intimacy bad enough, he flips the switch back on. Don't get me wrong, I do not hold this over his head but because of my illness, the kids you name it, it just isn't feasible to be intimate on a daily basis. Anyways, I am always the one to give when we are not speaking...he gets what he wants and then I NEVER get what I want...ie communication, talking about our problems, support, he just carries on as before and we never talk about ANYTHING. This has been going on for years and years and I'm so fed up! I know I'm giving everyone way too much information. But as cmdt described below, I'm also having problems with my very good friend right now(she hasn't pulled completely out of my life but just doesn't care to understand what I"m going through. I see a smirk on her face and a glaze in her eye anytime I describe how I've been feeling...I know she doesn't believe me at all when she changes the subject all together) and really have no one but the forum to vent this to. I really do appreciate all you support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

How do I get him to talk to me gfp? We've done couples counselling with success about 4 years ago when our middle child was a baby and a real handful. Things got better for a while but then I've been getting progressively worse (health wise) since then and my ability to give has been diminishing all the time. I really do think that we're done but just can't bring myself to this decision as I don't want to regret things later. Failure to communicate is something that a couple books I've been reading says are pretty much insurmountable...I bought him DR. PHIL's relationship rescue 4 months ago and he hasn't read it yet. That's how much he really cares in my eyes.

Thank you all again!

Big disclaimer don't act on anything I just came home after a fair amount of wine

I will do my best and perhaps even say more because of this ....?????

Its so easy to be trapped in the cycle.. woman doesn't want sex with a guy she is not communicating with and guy can't communicate with the girl he isn't getting sex with.

Firstly i think your depressed and I think you realise it. Women who are depressed don't want sex ... (usually) but guys are to shallow to realise its not about them.

Buying the books is suggesting its his problem (from his perspective) .... but all relationship problems have some share of either side, even if its 99/100 one person.

I really do think that we're done but just can't bring myself to this decision as I don't want to regret things later.

OK and I think everyone agrees... but doing nothing will not help either and neither will telling him you are contemplating this (and I'm someone that needs complete honesty in a relationship) ....

What you need to do IMHO is make him feel secure and that he can stop acting like a 17 yr old trying to feel secure. Its a natural response in men we regress to being cluxy 16-17 yr olds when we can't see what's wrong with a relationship.

The ball is in your court so to speak .... he is still the same guy you fell in love with ... he's just reacting badly to a situation ....

What you can do is ask for his help .... men love giving help... well men need to feel like they can help and are not incompetent, it immascualtes them. You can do special things to show your appreciation for this help, even if it doesn't help. This can be tickets for a ball game or whatever rocks his boat ... the important thing is they are your appreciation of his help and you say so!

Do things together .....don't be pushy but if he pops to the store say "Hey I'll come with you" (presuming the kids are old enough to leave) when he asks why just say ..."Oh I miss doing that stuff .together... now we have the kids" BUT if he says no then just respect that ... it might take a while and say something like "OK but lets set some time aside .... and do something together" If you go to the store pamper a few of his favorites.... all of this is just really making him feel secure and the more secure he feels the less demanding he will need to be..... seriously men really can be like little puppies.... so long as we feel secure but the more insecure we feel the more weird we get.

At the same time don't smother him.... we are not as resiliant as we pretend and smothering is somthing men cope with badly.

speaking for myself .... I know all this but ... I'm still a guy and wheras buying a woman flowers can have a uplifting effect way beyond the actual flowers with men its sex or more accurately the woman you love telling you she wants YOU.

Don't get me wrong, I do not hold this over his head but because of my illness, the kids you name it, it just isn't feasible to be intimate on a daily basis.

A delivered promise goes a long long way.... and he can be enrolled in improving your health ... finding someone to take care fo the kids etc. but if you do this you need to deliver otherwise the effect will be negative. This doesn't mean you can't demand that while the kids are away you have a romantic candlelit dinner followed by a massage .(make him work for it and most guys will usually feel more secure, remember dating )... but be warned if you don't deliver the feeling of rejection will be 10 fold. (in other words don't play with this)

Hope this makes sense .....

[CarlaB]

Big disclaimer don't act on anything I just came home after a fair amount of wine

I will do my best and perhaps even say more because of this ....?????

Its so easy to be trapped in the cycle.. woman doesn't want sex with a guy she is not communicating with and guy can't communicate with the girl he isn't getting sex with.

Firstly i think your depressed and I think you realise it. Women who are depressed don't want sex ... (usually) but guys are to shallow to realise its not about them.

Buying the books is suggesting its his problem (from his perspective) .... but all relationship problems have some share of either side, even if its 99/100 one person.

OK and I think everyone agrees... but doing nothing will not help either and neither will telling him you are contemplating this (and I'm someone that needs complete honesty in a relationship) ....

What you need to do IMHO is make him feel secure and that he can stop acting like a 17 yr old trying to feel secure. Its a natural response in men we regress to being cluxy 16-17 yr olds when we can't see what's wrong with a relationship.

The ball is in your court so to speak .... he is still the same guy you fell in love with ... he's just reacting badly to a situation ....

What you can do is ask for his help .... men love giving help... well men need to feel like they can help and are not incompetent, it immascualtes them. You can do special things to show your appreciation for this help, even if it doesn't help. This can be tickets for a ball game or whatever rocks his boat ... the important thing is they are your appreciation of his help and you say so!

Do things together .....don't be pushy but if he pops to the store say "Hey I'll come with you" (presuming the kids are old enough to leave) when he asks why just say ..."Oh I miss doing that stuff .together... now we have the kids" BUT if he says no then just respect that ... it might take a while and say something like "OK but lets set some time aside .... and do something together" If you go to the store pamper a few of his favorites.... all of this is just really making him feel secure and the more secure he feels the less demanding he will need to be..... seriously men really can be like little puppies.... so long as we feel secure but the more insecure we feel the more weird we get.

At the same time don't smother him.... we are not as resiliant as we pretend and smothering is somthing men cope with badly.

speaking for myself .... I know all this but ... I'm still a guy and wheras buying a woman flowers can have a uplifting effect way beyond the actual flowers with men its sex or more accurately the woman you love telling you she wants YOU.

A delivered promise goes a long long way.... and he can be enrolled in improving your health ... finding someone to take care fo the kids etc. but if you do this you need to deliver otherwise the effect will be negative. This doesn't mean you can't demand that while the kids are away you have a romantic candlelit dinner followed by a massage .(make him work for it and most guys will usually feel more secure, remember dating )... but be warned if you don't deliver the feeling of rejection will be 10 fold. (in other words don't play with this)

Hope this makes sense .....

We may completely disagree on another thread, but here I can say I agree completely! Maybe you should write after drinking wine a little more often!

The difficult part will be trying to do this unselfishly. If you can't do it for your man, do it for your kids. Once he starts responding, the feelings will follow. Love isn't a noun, it's a verb. The noun referring to feelings isn't what's going to be done here. It's the verb -- go through the action of loving whether you feel it or not -- eventually your feelings will come around to accept the decision you've made. When he's more satisfied with the relationship, you will be, too!

[tarnalberry]

It's the verb -- go through the action of loving whether you feel it or not -- eventually your feelings will come around to accept the decision you've made. When he's more satisfied with the relationship, you will be, too!

Having dealt (and dealing with) a low sex drive due to a pain condition, and going through sex therapy, I want to reiterate that sometimes you just have sex. You don't do it when you REALLY don't want to, but you lower the bar on when it's 'not acceptable' to have sex, so that you're not just waiting until you're really really in the mood. Like many things, you sometimes just have to do it to want to do it. Yes, this is hard in practice, but important, and useful.

[CarlaB]

Having dealt (and dealing with) a low sex drive due to a pain condition, and going through sex therapy, I want to reiterate that sometimes you just have sex. You don't do it when you REALLY don't want to, but you lower the bar on when it's 'not acceptable' to have sex, so that you're not just waiting until you're really really in the mood. Like many things, you sometimes just have to do it to want to do it. Yes, this is hard in practice, but important, and useful.

Funny thing, the Pope, of all people, said recently, that men need to take care that women are brought along into the act since men are so quickly excited and women need a little more prodding. Obviously I paraphrased ... but you get the idea. Since we're Catholic, I milk this one!! Got me a neck rub the other day, and that was before gfp's last posting!!

Tiffany, this is exactly the attitude I had and it vastly improved our relationship. My husband feels desired, and as a result pampers me, which helps bring things full-circle into him feeling desired. You have to start the "circle" somewhere!

[Matilda]

..

[tarnalberry]

Tiffany, this is exactly the attitude I had and it vastly improved our relationship. My husband feels desired, and as a result pampers me, which helps bring things full-circle into him feeling desired. You have to start the "circle" somewhere!

I don't want to know how much money I spent talking to my therapist and working on this one. It's one of those cases where the Nike slogan becomes a little bit of a mantra.

[CarlaB]

I don't want to know how much money I spent talking to my therapist and working on this one. It's one of those cases where the Nike slogan becomes a little bit of a mantra.

ROFLMAO

[daffadilly]

I am sorry you are having problems, I hope you are feeling better soon. Are you also getting the gene test at Enterolab?

In the meantime start taking a B12 everyday - this lifted my little depression like a magic bullet. After a year, I can tell if I do not take my B12 everyday

Also, if you are able to - start some exercise everyday - you will be amazed how much this will help you.

[gfp]

Funny thing, the Pope, of all people, said recently, that men need to take care that women are brought along into the act since men are so quickly excited and women need a little more prodding. Obviously I paraphrased ... but you get the idea. Since we're Catholic, I milk this one!! Got me a neck rub the other day, and that was before gfp's last posting!!

Tiffany, this is exactly the attitude I had and it vastly improved our relationship. My husband feels desired, and as a result pampers me, which helps bring things full-circle into him feeling desired. You have to start the "circle" somewhere!

Thanks, I was a bit worried about saying that as a guy....

I was half expecting someone to tell me we are in the 21stC not the 19thC

You don't do it when you REALLY don't want to, but you lower the bar on when it's 'not acceptable' to have sex, so that you're not just waiting until you're really really in the mood. Like many things, you sometimes just have to do it to want to do it. Yes, this is hard in practice, but important, and useful.

Thanks I think that sums it up.....

I have some other suggestions ....

Like I said a fulfilled promise can go a loooooooooooooong way.

If the guy can be enlisted into helping then its two birds with one stone.

If you make it clear that its just a problem with sex drive (even if it is a little more complex) then your man will want to help. This lifts any self doubt on his part .... and he feels like he's doing something.

rachellek: A suggestion is that the kids are a pressure that causes a constant distraction. I'm sure this is true enough for you to use tell hm to find someone to take care of the kids while you two go out on a romantic date. Make it a real date.... get dressed up ... pamper yourself to a hairdo ... and tell him he needs to get dressed up too ... and pay for the meal and wine. If he used to do this then tell him he needs to do it again, if not then you can tell him you missed out on romantic dates and he needs to make it up now.

Or you can make a meal at home ... just the two of you a few candles etc. If he has to drop the kids off then take the time to have a nice perfumed bath with some candles and incense while he's doing this.

If its been a while then you might feel a bit shy about your body.... you can buy a nice sexy nighty for this, if you can choose it together (say a design on the internet) then this would be a good addition. Whatever you do don't send him to choose it .... the most important thing is YOU feel comfortable.

Keep up the "dates" .... don't do this the first one or it could backfire but subsequent dates are when you discuss things with him.... or get him to talk. Don't make it seem like its a direct exchange.... just explain that women need communication with their man as well as the dinner

OK .. and drifting on the fringes of TMI ... if you are sore then the actual time spent actually in intercourse can be slimmed down by foreplay. I can't think of a simpler way to say this but he can spend some time and attention on other parts of your body.

[tarnalberry]

OK .. and drifting on the fringes of TMI ... if you are sore then the actual time spent actually in intercourse can be slimmed down by foreplay. I can't think of a simpler way to say this but he can spend some time and attention on other parts of your body.

if this is the case for the OP, then it's time to find a doctor who specializes in treating this sort of problem, which is difficult. the confluence of this sort of problem with a low sex drive is a *witch* of a problem to solve, and going it alone just is going to take too long and be too frustrating and painful, mentally and physically.

[gfp]

if this is the case for the OP, then it's time to find a doctor who specializes in treating this sort of problem, which is difficult. the confluence of this sort of problem with a low sex drive is a *witch* of a problem to solve, and going it alone just is going to take too long and be too frustrating and painful, mentally and physically.

I can't stand to have any intimacy because my stomach and all things connected are sooooo sore. My relationship is really suffering.

So the question is what does that mean? (I guess)

Speaking as a guy what can appear to be constant stream of "My tummy is a bit sore/full, i have a headache or aunt flo is visiting" or similar can be rather offputting because we place a different emphasis on things like that.largely because if the guy initiates and is rejected once or twice will knock most guys back but the 5-6 time in a row can be a little testing for our self confidence.

If your intimate parts are truly that sore then as tarnalberry say's you need to see a specialist. If we are just talking delicate tummy = turn off then I think that's what she also meant about the Nike slogan......

[CarlaB]

Thanks, I was a bit worried about saying that as a guy....

I was half expecting someone to tell me we are in the 21stC not the 19thC

I'm a stay-at-home mom with six kids ... I seldom get accused of being in the 21st century!!!! Yet, on the other hand, when friends, even ones that are not really close friends, have marital trouble, I'm the one they come to for advice ... last time a friend came to me she had a laundry list of things her hubby didn't do that he should have been doing ... I said to her, there's one thing on his list you should be doing, are you? Since then she has lost 60 pounds and they seem very happy!! We can all learn from 19th century teaching.

[Matilda]

..

[Sarah8793]

RachelleK,

I was recently diagnosed through EnteroLab. But before, my husband I think has seen me as a hypochondriac. Now he takes me more seriously. The problem with celiac disease is it causes so many different aches and pains. I mean sometimes my neck hurts and sometimes it is my back, ETC! There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it as far as my body is concerned. And I think Men like things technical and in defined terms. Also, I have a tendency to share every ache and complaint with whoever is in listening range. It is a very bad habbit and I know it is a burden on those who live with me. I remember a recent conversation with my husband in which I could tell he was tuning me out. When I confronted him he just kind of laughed and said there was only so much he could take in one day. It was creating barrier to intimacy. So I had to really work hard to not talk about all my problems. One of the ways I did it was to imagine myself living alone and then who would I talk to? I realized noone. Sometimes I think we take for granted that loved ones should be on sympathy duty 24/7. I am not suggesting that this is what is happening with you. Just trying to share my experience in the hope that some of it may ring true for you and help. I would definitely wait to make any final decisions right now. You are not yourself when you are in pain. I don't know how long you have been gluten free but I would give it another 3-4 months of gluten free and working on venting to this forum or girlfriends. Also, try to show interest in what is going on his life. I know I have been really selfish and haven't been giving much thought to what is going on with my husband in his life. Sorry you are going through this right now. Hang in there, my guess is it will get better.

Sarah

From his perspective:

You have been acting strangly ... the way men react to their spouses lack of attention and feelings of rejection is to try and be intimate. This doesn't make any sense ... but its true. It doesn't make any sense that when your a teenager you think riding a bike without hands will attract a female... or about 100 other things inept boys think will attract a girl its just the way we are!

Being a bit older I now recognise that a girls lack of sex drive can be nothing to do with me.... but I still have the feeling I need to be more intimate.. the more things deteriorate the more the lack of intimiacy will play on him and each rejection just builds up. Each rejection just makes the need to be intimate more pressing and the feeling he will loose you if he can't be intimate.

If you have got to the point of rejecting all intimacy because of where it might lead then this exasperates the problem... your husband needs to know you love him and the more you push away the more and stronger he will feel that need.

Yes its shallow but its also true.

WOW. How cool it is to get a man's perspective! You have described a common problem in my marriage but I was only seeing my side of it. I just figured my husband was selfish by initiating so often. Now I am looking at this completely differently! Amazing. Thank you for sharing this.