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So Depressed


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12 replies to this topic

#1 Yenni

 
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Posted 04 February 2007 - 07:38 PM

I am so depressed. I feel I have struggled with disease for so long, along with a bad childhood. I am going to a counselor and it is great, but now we have money issues so I have to wait a while.

I have moved across the world to live in my husbands country. We live with his family because of financial difficulties, a lot of bad luck and me being sick. We have lived with them for three years now. I hate it. He doesn't like it much either.

His family has like no understanding at all of this Celiac thing. They think I should just pull myself together. I donít know how many nasty comments I have gotten from my SIL, how little understanding there is for cross contamination, how hard it is to every day see homemade cookies or brownies sitting out in the kitchen. They make no attempt to make any gluten free food. There is no food on the dinner table that I can eat. Even the vegetables get buttered. When we make dinner they have cross contained the dinner/left overs several times. I put my stuff in the oven and my FIL puts his stuff on top in there. When I tell him I am afraid of CC he just says "no, that is no problem" and I know he has absolutely no clue what I am talking about.
They put spoons from their gluten filled plates in the bowls on the table. They bathe the little grandchild in Aveeda Oat stuff and does not rinse it off her. They let the other kids play with play doe and I find it everywhere. The kids are not told to wash their hand after they have eaten.. There is no end to things. It has gone so far now that I do not eat with them, they do not set the table for me and it is very hard considering this family is VERY food oriented. I feel sooooo, soooo left out. I haven't eaten with anyone in so long it seems.
We are no longer invited to my husband's sister for dinner or anything. I feel we are completely left out. They love to order pizza for dinner and talk about all the good stuff they ate when they were at a restaurant.

I have some trouble with chemical sensitivities too and my mother in law LOVES to spray her strong scents in the hallway. It flies upstairs and makes me sick. I have told her it makes me feel sick and it is a little hard to breathe but she keeps on. Doesn't care.

I feel I morn the fact that I can't eat what others do. I sometimes make dinner for them and they will not eat what I make. My husband does, but during the weeks he eats with them. I sometimes eat with them but I have to prepare my food ahead because my MIL doesn't want me to cook when they cook because there is no room.. I donít know. It is so hard. So hard to watch them eat gluten and dairy every day. My MIL often bake and there is like always stuff in the kitchen on the island for everyone to take.

I know I can't ask of them to not eat the stuff, but it seems they are making it so much harder. I feel so left out, I feel there should be some more understanding.

I guess it doesn't help that my MIL and SIL doesn't really care for much else than them selves. At least my SIL is that way. She just told me today when we talked about Celiac (we were talking about exercise and I told her how completely exhausted I have sometimes felt, how I couldn't even take walks, how I had to take naps during the days)... She told me I had to force myself, that I needed to be more positive (she knows I am depressed and goes to counseling) and then she told me "well, I have never had that type of problem, I am such a positive person" (She is the queen of complaining!! and she seems to have a black cloud over her very often). It's like she thinks I have chosen to be depressed and that Celiac is like having Lactose Intolerance (she has that off and on).
They have no idea how hard this is sometimes.

I feel so lonely. Not part of the family. I feel they never come to me and talk. They forget my birthday and complain that some friends forgot theirs when we all sit there and have a party for them.

This is a night mare.

I don't normally tell personal things about myself like this, but it feels so hard tonight. So hard.

:(
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One Celiac gene and one gluten intolerance gene (HLA-DQ 2,1).
Grain free, casein free, soy/legume free + a bunch of allergies I have had since I was a child (stone fruits, nuts..carrots)
Following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, but no nuts, legumes or casein.

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#2 Ursa Major

 
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Posted 04 February 2007 - 09:35 PM

Jenny, I am so sorry things are so hard for you. It almost sounds like they're going out of their way to make life difficult for you.

It is your husband who needs to talk to his family and deal with them. They will never listen to you. He is married to you, and needs to be on your side, not his mom's. He needs to eat with you, rather than with them, so they understand that he won't put up with the way they treat you any more.

He needs to explain to them about celiac disease, and what the consequences of getting glutened are for you.

And most of all, you two need to somehow manage to move out. Even if you end up just renting a room elsewhere. You simply can't keep living with his family, it is going to destroy your marriage in the end.

Explain to your husband how you feel, and tell him that you need to move out. And that you would prefer to move out together, but if he won't come, you'll be going by yourself (at least that is what I think you ought to do, but don't know if you would have the courage).

He needs to understand that you are being ABUSED by his family, and that he is not helping but making things worse.

I hope you can work it out. You can't keep living like this.
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I am a German citizen, married to a Canadian 29 years, four daughters, one son, seven granddaughters and four grandsons, with one more grandchild on the way in July 2009.

Intolerant to all lectins (including gluten), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, eggplant) and salicylates.

Asperger Syndrome, Tourette Syndrome, Addison's disease (adrenal insufficiency), hypothyroidism, fatigue syndrome, asthma

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#3 aikiducky

 
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Posted 05 February 2007 - 03:27 AM

Jenny, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.

I agree with Ursula that the key here is your husband. He's married to you, and even though it's understandable that it's easy for him to just go along with his family - that's what he grew up with after all - his first loyalty now should be to you, and not them. He should be setting an example of how important it is to keep you safe from gluten.

I do hope you find some solution. Remember, we're all here on your side! :)

Pauliina
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#4 missy'smom

 
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Posted 05 February 2007 - 07:04 AM

Ursula said it well. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions when our mental and physical health is at stake. Without going into detail, let's just say that I understand some of what you are going through. I am also in a cross-cultural marriage. Fortunately, my husband's family is very good to me but if they were not, he would conduct himself very much like your husband. My husband is a good man but there are cultural differences at work.

Is it possible that your husband can present the information, as Ursula suggests, in print, in their language or if their language is English, then from a source within their country, so that it is more believeble to them and they don't get hung up on any cultural bias they have against the U.S. or you. It may or may not change their interaction with you but it would leave them educated and the burden of responsibility on them.

We'll be here for you.

Luv and Hugs and a shoulder to cry on. Wish I could offer a real one and not a cyber one.
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Me: GLUTEN-FREE 7/06, multiple food allergies, T2 DIABETES DX 8/08, LADA-Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults, Who knew food allergies could trigger an autoimmune attack on the pancreas?! 1/11 Re-DX T1 DM, pos. DQ2 Celiac gene test 9/11
Son: ADHD '06,
neg. CELIAC PANEL 5/07
ALLERGY: "positive" blood and skin tests to wheat, which triggers his eczema '08
ENTEROLAB testing: elevated Fecal Anti-tissue Transglutaminase IgA Dec. '08
Gluten-free-Feb. '09
other food allergies

#5 jesscarmel

 
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Posted 05 February 2007 - 09:39 AM

Hi Jenny
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. it sounds like they are being so awful to you. i cant even imagine how you must feel. i think getting your husband involved in this is a good idea. maybe you need to have a big meeting all of you. we are here for you!!!
Jess
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Diagnosed in March 2006 after being in the hospital due to pancreatitis due to undiagnosed celiac
years of being told i had IBS, taking numerous IBS medications (since the age of fifteen)

#6 jerseyangel

 
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Posted 05 February 2007 - 09:53 AM

Hi Jenny,

I have to say my heart broke for you as I read your post. I'm glad that at least you can come here and vent a bit. I'll bet it felt good to just get it off your chest.

I don't see how anything will change as far as the family is concerned. Even if your husband does talk to them. People get prettty set in their ways.

The best thing would be if you and your husband could possibly move out into a place of your own. Even a tiny place, that would be safe for you, is better than what you are dealing with at home now. It must be exhausting for you to avoid all of that gluten with no help or understanding from anyone.

I'm so sorry that your in-laws and the rest of them are being the way they are. I just don't know--sometimes people are afraid of what they don't understand. Whatever it is, they are being unreasonable and cruel, in my opinion.
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#7 Yenni

 
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Posted 05 February 2007 - 01:31 PM

Thank you everyone. Yes, it felt good to get it off my chest. I do not count in my husband to "the family". He is good to me and I know he is on my side. He has tried talking to the others some, but it doesn't do anything. It's like they just don't get it or mostly have no interest it seems. He has 3 siblings and they are all pretty stuck with "what I say is right" (especially the sister).
We so want to move out. We are waiting for my husbands next raise in May. We need it to be able to afford a place. We know it will be tiny, but it doesn't matter. It is just so hard to wait.
It has always been a little hard to live in the house, with the gluten intolerance it has turned into a complete night mare. Part of me hates them by now. I plan to stay away after we have moved out and lets just say my husband is very dissapointed in them. Very.
I have noticed that my husband and his 3 siblings are a little affraid of talking to their parents. They keep things away from them. They are always the last to find out new things in their lives. At least with my husband and his 2 brothers it is that way. I think it is super hard for my husband to talk to them. And the fact that they are very set in their ways (I mean you wouldn't believe it if I told you what his mother does sometimes). My husband also gets bad stuff happening to him because of his mother.
I know we need to get out. We should have long time ago. Life hasn't let us.

It is a good idea to have my husband eat with me. I am gonna try to make that happen. I agree that it is bad that he doesn't eat with me. Things just kinda turned into what is going on now. I do feel abused. I feel they are breaking me down. I am strong, so they will never break me, but it is a night mare. They are stupid people.

I love my husband more than anything else and he is good to me. I wish he would stand up more to his parents though, but looking at how this family works, well I can see how it is hard. It seems even if he has sometimes they just keep on in their old ways. This family is very afraid of conflicts and they do not talk to each other about much personal stuff at all.
My husband knows how I feel. I can talk to him about everything so he knows. I guess he should, like you guys said, stand up more to his parents. I know that this all has made him step away from his family some. He does not take part of things in it like he used to. And I know he is depressed like me, just not struggeling with a disease on top of things.


I hate just having to endure, wait, "take it".. Some days it is soooo hard. yesterday it was one of those days. They had a food part again and I felt left out more than ever.

I often ask my husband (not expecting a reply) how things ended up this way. How did things get so bad. We see others live their lives and have some bad luck and hardship, but not in a long row like us. It is weird.
It can always be worse of course. We have no deadly diseases or starv.

Thanks for listening.
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One Celiac gene and one gluten intolerance gene (HLA-DQ 2,1).
Grain free, casein free, soy/legume free + a bunch of allergies I have had since I was a child (stone fruits, nuts..carrots)
Following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, but no nuts, legumes or casein.

#8 kbtoyssni

 
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Posted 08 February 2007 - 10:33 AM

That is a horrible situation. I agree that moving out is probably the only thing that will keep you safe. Having your husband eat with you is an excellent idea. The two of you need to put up a united front. If your husband is willing, it would be great if he treated gluten the same way as you - as poison. So he doesn't eat it at home either and is just as diligent as you about CC and mentioning that the rest of the family can't use oat soap, etc. Maybe the two of you could do a separate meal time. There's nothing that says you have to eat with the rest of the family so you could scrub the kitchen after everyone else eats and then make your food together. I'm assuming you have your own room - you could put a mini-fridge in it so you can keep your leftovers in there to eliminate CC (with a giant lock on it!). You could even keep your own set of pans in your room if you are concerned about CC there, too. Good luck.
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#9 Yenni

 
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Posted 11 February 2007 - 01:37 AM

We ended up getting our own micro wave oven and our own fridge. I don' think I would have managed without them. I also got my own pans and stuff that I keep upstairs where we live.

I have talked to my husband about us eating together and we did some of the days during the week.

Today was my birthday and my MIL actually took out her best china and washed it especially for me and us all. My husband made dinner and I ate the exact same thing as them for the first time since last spring. It meant a lot to me.

Yeah, it is very, very hard living this way. We hope to be able to move out this summer. My husband is getting raises in May that we need to be able to afford it.
  • 0
One Celiac gene and one gluten intolerance gene (HLA-DQ 2,1).
Grain free, casein free, soy/legume free + a bunch of allergies I have had since I was a child (stone fruits, nuts..carrots)
Following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, but no nuts, legumes or casein.

#10 TinkerbellSwt

 
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Posted 12 February 2007 - 07:20 AM

Jenny
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I dont live with my in laws and it is no where near what you are suffering too, but I also have a lot of animosity towards my MIL. She is convinced Colin, my son, doesnt have celiac, which we dont know yet, that he is malnourished b/c I wont let him eat Wonder bread. That my son is an unhappy, miserable child.
She just wants to not have to worry about feeding Colin. She wants to give him what she wants to feed him. ummmm, what about me? I still, no matter what, have to eat gluten free, but she thinks her life will be easier if Colin can eat "normally"
Like I said, nothing compared to you.. I really feel for you. I want to wish you the best and I hope you will be able to find your own place soon.. its such a shame some people are like that.
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#11 Yenni

 
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Posted 14 February 2007 - 07:33 PM

It is scary how easy it is for some people to just think of themselves. I hope it turns out ok with your son. Hopefully she will end up giving up and do what is best for you and your son. Good luck!
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One Celiac gene and one gluten intolerance gene (HLA-DQ 2,1).
Grain free, casein free, soy/legume free + a bunch of allergies I have had since I was a child (stone fruits, nuts..carrots)
Following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, but no nuts, legumes or casein.

#12 AlexL

 
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Posted 30 July 2009 - 01:42 PM

Well, it's been a couple of years and I hope things have gotten better for you!!

I do know how you feel. My ex-boyfriends family didn't understand either. They were Jewish and every time we went out to eat, I would only be able to find maybe one or two things on the menu I could have (usually a salad). They would all order different plates and expect us all to share, including my salad!!! I couldn't eat any of their stuff. So by the time everyone helped themselves to my salad and eachother's plates, they all had a full plate of food and I would have a couple small bites left. They left full and happy and I would have to stop somewhere else to get something I could eat or go home and pig out on Gluten-free foods. My boyfriend was an idiot and never even noticed!! I finally had to explain the situation and asked him to speak to them (we dated and lived together for 5 years). He did so, but it didn't really help much. They still expected me to share. I finally had to stand up for myself and tell them "no, this is all for me; you guys will have to order a separate one if you want to share it." I said it nicely, but I could tell they still resented it.

When we ate at their house, they never made gluten-free food. For my birthday, they had a small dinner party and ordered pizza's!!!! (Cause that was easy and "everyone likes pizza."). I fixed that after that event, by taking my own food to all of their eating get togethers. Their friends would look at me funny; I would just explain that I have severe food allergies and can only eat certain things. They were then fine.

So there are ways to get around it all. I know it is much more difficult if you are living in someone else's house... you don't want to offend when they are showing you hospitality by letting you stay there. It is up to you to take care of yourself though and not let it get you down or blame their inconsiderate behavior as your reason for being depressed. You are in control of it.
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#13 dilettantesteph

 
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Posted 31 July 2009 - 11:41 AM

What a horrible situation. I couldn't even finish reading it. I would live in a tent in the woods rather than live there. I would find the cheapest place you can and get out of there. Anything would be better than that. How are you supposed to get healthy like that?
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