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My Husband Thinks It's All In My Head


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20 replies to this topic

#1 HAPPY DOG SUZ

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 06:34 AM

:( Aloha,
I am having a hard time with my husband,
I have been ill w/ fibromyalgia 5 yrs but getting better now and a possitive celiac blood panel test for about (so I guess it's celiac) for about 3yrs well everytime I try and be careful not to get contaminated or even bring up any of the two diseases he makes snide remarks like It's all in my head :(
This is VERY hurtful and I am having a real hard time, anyone else relate?
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#2 RiceGuy

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 06:45 AM

Well, I do know how it is to have family members in disbelief. I don't know what would ever convince them, so most times I don't even try.
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#3 Ursa Major

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 07:04 AM

Suz, I had fibromyalgia most of my life (also now going away with avoiding foods I am intolerant to), and for almost all of my marriage I've had to hear that I am just lazy, and don't want to do things for my husband because I don't love him enough. He never believed me that I am sick and have no energy.

And it isn't possible in my house to be safe, as my husband and daughter leave crumbs everywhere, and don't care. They've told me that the celiac disease is my problem, not their's, and it's my job to keep myself safe. The only way for me to not get glutened all the time would be to move out.

So, yes, I can very much relate to you.

Why isn't a doctor's diagnosis, and your fibro getting better enough evidence for your husband to believe you? Is it possible for him to go to a doctor's appointment with you, and the doctor explaining things to him?

You may want to let your husband know that putting you down all the time is abuse. And making you ill by glutening you all the time is abuse as well (right, my husband is very abusive, I know that).

Is there somebody he will listen to, who could explain things to him?
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#4 Lisa

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 07:12 AM

I would recommend that he post his feelings here. <_< That should remedy the issue. :)

I am sorry you have such lack of support.
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Lisa

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#5 Guest_BornToRide_*

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 06:48 PM

Yes, and I am so sorry. For that reason I am in the process to seperate from my husband. For years he thought my thyroid issues were most in my head. He does not even know yet that I discovered I have gluten intolerance also - he would not be able to understand the depth of the problem.

And yes, like Ursa said , it is abusive behavior, usually coming from a very self centered person.
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#6 wowzer

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 07:12 PM

I know the feeling. My husband thinks I make up illnesses. It's about a year since I started itching. It jsut seemed to go from one place to another. I've had two biopsies that were eczema and spongiotic dermatitis. I've been treated for all different rashes, eczema, impetego, poison ivy, tested for herpes that was negative. The list goes on. I finally googled rashes. When I saw some of the DH pictures, I could relate to many of them over the years. I did have a blood test that came back negative. I finally went gluten free the beginning of the year. I had many improvements the first few weeks. My husband is still in the learning process, but getting better. He even had a gluten free cheesecake baked for me for Valentine's Day. He brought 2 dirty dogs home from up north. I told him we had to go get some dog shampoo that was gluten free. Had a hard time believing it, but went to the store with me. Ended up using baby shampoo, thanks to a suggestion from this site. I wish you luck, I know it is hard. I'm not sure that an official diagnosis would make it any easier for him to except. I have been married for 32 years now. It definitely is a hard thing to understand and it doesn't help if they aren't willing to try to understand. Mine seems to do better if I give him small bits of information at a time. Take care.
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#7 Nantzie

 
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Posted 26 March 2007 - 07:17 PM

My husband was the same way. He ended up completely turning around though and we have two gluten-free kids and a gluten-free household now. He eats gluten-free at home and if he wants something with gluten he eats it when he goes to lunch at work.

In Oct of 2005 he yelled at me for about an hour accusing me of being a hypochondriac, trying to make people feel sorry for me, faking it, being crazy, blah, blah blah... I honestly had one foot out the door (never told him that though). We have two kids and I wasn't just going to cut and run (I don't have any family, so there was nowhere to go temporarily).

By Feb of 2006 he had completely turned around. For Valentine's Day he bought me a bag full of gluten-free products from the healthfood section of the grocery store because he couldn't remember what brand of candy was gluten-free. :wub:

I didn't do anything to make this change happen either. I just mentally decided that he had six months to get his s*it together or I was out of there. I never threatened to leave. I just stopped talking to him about any of it and did what I needed to do to be gluten-free.

For some reason, what you're describing is a common response. For some reason people get all psycho about it. If someone told me that they couldn't eat gluten and I could, I'd just think more for me, ya know? But for some reason, people just freak out about this.

Nancy
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#8 Tritty

 
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Posted 27 March 2007 - 06:21 AM

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one with husband problems! I think the main problem with mine is that he doesn't want it to affect him. We're super busy with 3 kids (3, 2, and 1!) and he just doesn't have time for it. I've decided it's like being pregnant. It's something I had to deal with every minute of every day - and he would be a part of it when he wanted to. It wasn't something he HAD sitting staring him in the face - and so if he didn't have to think about it he didn't want to. It's hurtful - b/c you want them to be concerned about you and care about how you feel - but that's not happening in everyday life! He actually forgets sometimes that I have to watch what I eat - he still does dumb stuff - like put all of the noodles into the chilli and forget I had some for myself on the side that need sauce!
I actually flat out yelled at him yesterday - said he was trying to make me sick. That he must want me to feel bad. I think that me being so vehement about it kind of put it out there for him - that this is something he doesn't want to mess with me about.
THe part that gets me is my family - they are great - super supportive. My mom said something about my huband being an angel - that he just eats what I fix and doesn't complain. I had to bite my tounge...
I agree with Nancy - I do the shopping, etc - so I'm just doing what I need to do. Making a point of moving things away from my food that he may bring home. Keeping his bread in a basket by itself no where near the pantry. Making a point of telling everyone to wash their hands after dinner or after a snack - or after they touch anything gluten. Stuff that will just make it part of his everyday routine so that he doesn't have to deal with it - it is just kind of fixed....
Maybe make a point of telling him on the days that you feel good - that you feel great. Then maybe when you get contaminated he'll notice a real difference, b/c he's heard how great you're doing - and then now you're not so great....
Good luck - I wish I could help!!
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Tritty (my childhood nickname....)
Age 31, Mommy of 3
Blood test positive for celiac 1/16/07
gluten-free since 1/16/07
Endoscopy 2/13/07 - small hiatal hernia, scalloped mucosa in 1st and 2nd part of duodenum, some erosion of the esophogus.
Two oldest kids - fine so far :)
My 17 mo old has eosinophilic esophogitis. Only showing milk allergy? So completely off dairy for time being to see if that is trigger...

#9 kbtoyssni

 
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Posted 27 March 2007 - 09:22 AM

How did he deal with the FMS for the last five years? Does he have any idea that most of your FMS symptoms will likely go away if you stay gluten-free??? I think being gluten-free is way easier to deal with than FMS. (I was also diagnosed with FMS and all my symptoms disappeared when I went gluten-free).
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Gluten-Free since September 15, 2005.
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#10 gfp

 
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Posted 27 March 2007 - 09:42 AM

I didn't do anything to make this change happen either. I just mentally decided that he had six months to get his s*it together or I was out of there. I never threatened to leave. I just stopped talking to him about any of it and did what I needed to do to be gluten-free.


Aha... I beg to differ that you didn't do anything.... :D
and I think this is the best advice you could have given...

I can understand partly why a spouse/parent/child gets sick of hearing about our illness ...
I don't agree with it... but I can understand why.... its a huge shame because I think many of us this is the hardest part.

I think its just information overload and no amount of trying to bring up the subject helps only hinders...

Anyway, take it from a guy.... we get terribly upset when we can't fix things... and feel all helpless. IKn a way every time you mention it ... it just makes him feel more helpless.

Of course leaving crumbs about is another matter.... but I think the big confusion may of us feel at first gets pushed onto a spouse and especially guys are not good at dealing with this... then the resentment grows ... IMHO its not terribly fair or right but the best thing you can do is stop what he considers nagging and moaning and come here and do it! The girls here and most of us guys have a good sympathetic ear... once he's got it oput of his skull that its not nagging and moaning you can work at the other stuff... and hopefully with a little time it will slowly permeate his skull.

I say all that because as a guy known for his stubborness I had my own problems accepting my own diagnosis...
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#11 Tritty

 
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Posted 27 March 2007 - 09:58 AM

Aha... I beg to differ that you didn't do anything.... :D
and I think this is the best advice you could have given...

I can understand partly why a spouse/parent/child gets sick of hearing about our illness ...
I don't agree with it... but I can understand why.... its a huge shame because I think many of us this is the hardest part.

I think its just information overload and no amount of trying to bring up the subject helps only hinders...

Anyway, take it from a guy.... we get terribly upset when we can't fix things... and feel all helpless. IKn a way every time you mention it ... it just makes him feel more helpless.

Of course leaving crumbs about is another matter.... but I think the big confusion may of us feel at first gets pushed onto a spouse and especially guys are not good at dealing with this... then the resentment grows ... IMHO its not terribly fair or right but the best thing you can do is stop what he considers nagging and moaning and come here and do it! The girls here and most of us guys have a good sympathetic ear... once he's got it oput of his skull that its not nagging and moaning you can work at the other stuff... and hopefully with a little time it will slowly permeate his skull.

I say all that because as a guy known for his stubborness I had my own problems accepting my own diagnosis...


Thanks so much for your insight. I forget that men think so much differently than we do. Maybe instead of saying - you're doing this wrong and this wrong, etc. I need to be like I am with my kids (no offense!) and say thanks so much for... whenever he does something to help me or washes his hands after eating gluten, etc. Then maybe he won't feel so helpless... and he'll be able to see what I need him to do to keep me healthy. But positively.
You're right - I think I've been so stressed about getting it all right - and quickly - that I somehow expect him to keep up with me. But he really only needs to know enough to have basic survival in the house - and I shouldn't get so offended that he doesn't care to know or understand more.
As far as the hurtful things your husband says - good luck. HOpefully he'll change his tune soon...
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Tritty (my childhood nickname....)
Age 31, Mommy of 3
Blood test positive for celiac 1/16/07
gluten-free since 1/16/07
Endoscopy 2/13/07 - small hiatal hernia, scalloped mucosa in 1st and 2nd part of duodenum, some erosion of the esophogus.
Two oldest kids - fine so far :)
My 17 mo old has eosinophilic esophogitis. Only showing milk allergy? So completely off dairy for time being to see if that is trigger...

#12 gfp

 
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Posted 29 March 2007 - 04:18 AM

Thanks so much for your insight. I forget that men think so much differently than we do. Maybe instead of saying - you're doing this wrong and this wrong, etc. I need to be like I am with my kids (no offense!)

Non taken, the older I get the more I realise we are all just bigger boys... :ph34r:

and say thanks so much for... whenever he does something to help me or washes his hands after eating gluten, etc. Then maybe he won't feel so helpless... and he'll be able to see what I need him to do to keep me healthy. But positively.

Yep exactly, think about it the other way.... if you only bring the subject up when he does something wrong he's going to associate the subject with blame, nagging, etc.
Each time you bring it up its a little cringe...what did I do now...
Men do make efforts but often they fall short of expectations... but it doesn't mean we don't make the effort, its just not always appreciated..

My girlfriend is far tidier than I am... I often do a quick kitchen once over or perhaps do the worst parts like the hobs or scour the worst part of the bathroom (like sticky toothpaste) but stop at her make-up shelf... in a lot of cases she doesn't realise I made an effort... it just wasn't a huge one... because it wasn't what she would have done... so I blow my own trumpet and say hey look, I know I didn't do everything but I did x,y,z... slowly but surely she notices more of my pathetic guy efforts and appreciates the effort. The difference is she is cleaning the kitchen to have it sparking, I'm just cleaning to make her happy... (below certain tolerances)...

Another weird example, I don't like cut flowers... I don't see the point of buying sometihng already dying and watching it die...
My girlfriend however loves em so I buy them anyway ... I just don't get it but that's OK if it makes her happy.

I also noticed buying flowers can get me a reward (if she's not too tired) ... I respond well to that :D

Some negative examples... my girlfriend will often makes not too "subtle" hints... like starts banging the pans in the kitchen as she empties the dishwasher ... this often feels like I'm being bossed about... made to feel guilty and being a stubborn guy I react badly...
Just come and ask me ... she remembers she filled the dishwasher so its my turn to empty..? fair enough just say so ...
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#13 happygirl

 
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Posted 29 March 2007 - 04:34 AM

happy dog suz,

get him the book in my signature, and see then if he thinks its all in your head.
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#14 gfp

 
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Posted 29 March 2007 - 04:43 AM

happy dog suz,

get him the book in my signature, and see then if he thinks its all in your head.

I doubt he'll read it.... it will just be considered more pressure/nagging...
Better to buy the book for yourself and leave it somewhere not too obvious....
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Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. (JC, De Bello Gallico Liber III/XVIII)

#15 CarlaB

 
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Posted 29 March 2007 - 06:52 AM

I doubt he'll read it.... it will just be considered more pressure/nagging...
Better to buy the book for yourself and leave it somewhere not too obvious....


Buy the book for yourself, read it and tell him he wouldn't like it ... then he'll really want to read it! :lol:
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