Daughter's Wedding

[Ursa Major]

Girls, you are so sweet, you make me cry.

When I told Janet about Ethan and Emily needing gluten-free food as well, she asked me if I had already let the caterer know! She has decided (probably because it is my 'fault' that those kids have celiac disease, since they inherited it from me) that it is MY responsibility to look after their safe meals.

Of course, I had already e-mailed the caterer. I want those kids to have a nice day, and their mother is busy enough without having to deal with glutened kids. Plus, people wouldn't realize they are glutened, so it won't reflect badly on Janet, but rather, people will think Sarah is raising horrible, spoiled brats. And they are the most polite, sweet kids you would want to meet.

I found a perfect dress. The bridesmaids are wearing black dresses (which I don't like, really, it isn't a funeral!), with some wearing cream coloured sashes, and others burgundy sashes. The little flower girl will wear a burgundy dress, and the ringbearer a black suit with burgundy bow tie.

My bottoms are black pants, but they are wide with four sheer panels over top that make it look like I am wearing a long skirt (from a distance you really can't tell they are pants at all). I bought a short sleeved tunic top (100% cotton, which will be perfect in the heat) that is black with cream flowers and a square neckline . I can't really describe it, but it looks very elegant, and is extremely comfortable. So, I'll match the bridal party. I'll use a picture of myself in that outfit as my avatar after the wedding, so you guys can see it.

I just talked to my second-oldest daughter, and she will bake a gluten-free pie for the kids and me for the rehearsal, and I'll bring my food and a dessert for the kids and me for the wedding dinner. I think that it will work out well in spite of a selfish bride.

I know, I wished I wouldn't have to come back from Germany, really. But what will Susie do without me? And how can I just leave my children and grandchildren behind and move back to Germany? I find German customs strange now, and it feels like being in a foreign country when I visit, I've been in Canada most of my adult life. Besides, what would I live on? One of my brothers said I can stay with him. But I don't think that would work as a permanent arrangement.

Anyway, I'll take it one step at a time. Life gets too daunting when looking ahead too far. I can only manage one day at a time max, normally.

[sparkles]

Good for you... It sounds like you have taken control of the situation. Over the years, I have found that the best way to take control over a situation where other people insist upon being "in charge" is to just do it the way you know that it needs to be done and not say anything. Starting an arguement or pointing out what you had to do because the control freak is not concerned about what might be best only gives the control to them. Just do what you need to do, smile, and enjoy your part of the day! The less said the better. They aren't going to have time to check and see what you are eating and if your husband is sitting next to you and makes a comment about your food, just move to your grandkids because, after all, all of you are sharing the same food!!!! If he makes a scene, just ignore him and smile. I don't mean to get personal but I am speaking as the FORMER wife of a man who always had to be in control and was always RIGHT....(oh, how wrong he was). My husband was abusive..... controlling people are.... you need to be safe!!!! Whether it is verbal and emotional abuse or if it has escalated to physical abuse, you need to be safe! Right now with the wedding and all, it is probably not the time to confront the control issue but you do need to be safe. You need to get well and heal.... the celiac disease is an easy heal compared to healing from an unhealthy relationship. Please be safe.... Do that for yourself!... and your grandbabies!

[AndreaB]

I don't know what you'd do about Susie. I hope you've kept prior talks in mind as future options. I remember being irritated by Janet's behaviour before.

Keep your chin up, don't let her bully you but try to be sweet about it. I know that can be difficult in the best of circumstances.

[DestinyLeah]

She's selfish. But you are being great.

Can't wait to see your outfit! Sounds like you found something great that makes you happy, and that you could wear again for a nice event, instead of just once to a wedding.

I'm really glad that there will be food for you and the grandkids, and a yummy pie. At least the caterer has the sense to take care of you, as the bride does not seem to care. It is possible that she is lashing out as a result of denial that she may have a problem that she cannot "control"- she'd do the same if you had diabetes, cancer, whatever. Why? Because she cannot accept that for some things, there is no one to really blame. Sorry babe, you have northern European roots. Get over it, get married, get the chip off your shoulder. One that big might distort the pictures.

Have fun in Germany, watch for contagious, tuberculosis infected flight mates, and take pictures.

We love you, and want to see you happy!

[Ursa Major]

Sparkles, my husband is happy with me being gluten-free (still, he gets mad at me for spending more money on food than he likes). In fact, his control when it comes to food is more that he stops me from even eating safe things, because he questions my choices (of course, he doesn't like it when he isn't in control). And he wants to limit my diet even more, because he is so fixated on me losing weight (if it was for him, I'd be living on air ).

I was going into more detail, but deleted that part. I've gone over the control issue here before, in another thread, let's not get into that again.

Thanks for your support.

[NoGluGirl]

Sparkles, my husband is happy with me being gluten-free (still, he gets mad at me for spending more money on food than he likes). In fact, his control when it comes to food is more that he stops me from even eating safe things, because he questions my choices (of course, he doesn't like it when he isn't in control). And he wants to limit my diet even more, because he is so fixated on me losing weight (if it was for him, I'd be living on air ).

I was going into more detail, but deleted that part. I've gone over the control issue here before, in another thread, let's not get into that again.

Thanks for your support.

Dear Ursa,

I know what you are dealing with. My family is the same way! I have an idea. Why don't we switch people? What we can do is, you be my mom, and I will send my mother up to be with your family! That would be a cruel trick that they would all deserve! We can be free from controlling, self-centered people!

My mother does not consider my feelings or health a lot of the time. She could not care less if I am sick from cc. Except of course, when I am in the bathroom violently ill and she is too lazy to go downstairs to go to the bathroom! My father is very controlling in a lot of ways.

I too, have endured a lot of verbal and mental abuse. I am stuck here. I want to get out of here so bad. The energy is toxic. I am tired of arguing. I am tired of being hurt. At least one thing has come of this illness that is good. I finally realized I did not have to let the world crap on me!

I am a pacifist for the most part. However, I always used to let people step on me. Things have occurred that sent me a message from God. On top of my illness, my grandmother, whom I have been very close to nearly bled to death from an ulcer in 2005, and then Alzheimer's took its hold. I always had been a lot like her, letting everyone hurt me. To top off the horrible medical misery and experiences I have experienced, I was nearly raped by a guy I had been friends with for three years when I was 19. It shook everything to the core in me.

For a while, I pondered why God would let this happen to such a good woman. Then, it donned on me. It was not about her. God was telling me he did not want me to end up like her! My grandfather verbally abused her to the point I could remember as a child she would be in the bathroom vomiting. She had gotten sick over his hurtful, cruel words.

Now, after what has happened, despite promising her he would go to a nursing home with her, he has not. She will not go without him. He snaps at her when she is confused. She never deserved any of this. She did everything for him, waiting on him hand and foot, keeping the house immaculate and always cooked whatever he wanted. She was the kind of grandmother who would make me a baked potato at 1am if I wanted it. I cannot stand to see her like this. It is the most emotionally excruciating thing to watch.

If you continue to allow this treatment of yourself, you will end up just like her. Do not allow this to happen! I refuse to allow it for myself! God wants us to have good things! He wants us to be loved, and happy. I have gotten the Tony Soprano attitude. I give respect when I get it. I do not care who it is, whether it is your parents, your child, a neighbor, your doctor, or anyone else! You deserve better!

Sincerely,

NoGluGirl

[2Boys4Me]

And he wants to limit my diet even more, because he is so fixated on me losing weight (if it was for him, I'd be living on air ).

But air is free...and delicious! (Unless you're in Toronto)

All kidding aside, I am very sorry that Janet is being so inconsiderate, but I suppose it was expected. I am very happy that you will be providing your grandchildren and yourself a safe option for the rehearsal dinner. If anything, Janet may end up embarrassed when her fiance's family asks why you and you grandchildren are brown bagging it to a family event. You don't have to say anything, but it wouldn't hurt if the kids did.

I hope you have a wonderful and safe trip to Germany this summer, you will certainly have plenty of time to think about the future.

Good luck at the wedding, your new outfit sounds fabulous!

[prinsessa]

I wanted to send you some (((HUGS))). Hopefully you are able to have a closer relationship with your DD in the future. I didn't get along with my mom until I got older and understood her better. I also used to be embarrassed by my mom, but I realized there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Nobody is perfect (I know I am not). My mom and I are really good friends now. I hope you have lots of fun at the wedding!

[mftnchn]

All good points, I do hope the wedding goes as well as possible for you.

My "2 cents"--that you have to clearly say "no" to the bad treatment and figure out how to do that. Perhaps at appropriate time, a statement like, "when _________________, I feel ________________. So I have decided that when that happens I will do ________________________." Then stick to your word.

If they only treat 2 people that way, there is a sense that they do know how to act more appropriately.

[sparkles]

I am sorry... I didn't mean to make assumptions about the control issue.

Have a good time at the wedding. I am sure that you will look and feel wonderful and that you will enjoy all of your grandbabies.

[Guest maybe I have celiac]

I guess I just need to vent!

Our second youngest daughter is getting married in ten days (June 9th). She just called to ask me to let my husband know what she ordered for the rehearsal dinner on the 8th, and how much he will have to pay for it.

She ordered pizza and pies. I asked her if she ordered anything I can eat, and she told me that I am on my own, that I should just bring my own food.

Apparently, the mother of the bride is extremely unimportant and her needs don't have to be taken into consideration.

At least for the wedding dinner, she sent me the menu and I am supposed to call the caterer to tell him which of those things I can eat, and he'll make sure they are safe for me.

I'll be glad when the wedding is over!

I am REALLY looking forward to finally leaving for Germany on July 5th, and being gone for six weeks. I know that my aunt and the brothers I am staying with will do their utmost to spoil me and to make sure I am safe. Because they actually care about me.

Maybe she'll and everyone else will get sick from eating all the pizza and pies and learn her lesson

[Ursa Major]

Boy, this is going from bad to worse, what is wrong with my kids?

My second oldest daughter (she'll be 26 on Sunday, the day after the wedding) called me today. She had offered to bake a gluten-free pie, so the kids and I could have dessert after the rehearsal that is like everybody else's.

She told me she baked an apple pie with crumb crust. I told her that was great. Then she proceeded to say that I would not likely going to be able to eat it. I asked her why. And she said that she had, without thinking, cut one of the apples on a cutting board she had just cut white bread on. And she had brushed off the crumbs and put it into the pie anyway!

Then she said with that mocking tone in her voice, "I guess now it is contaminated and will make you sick! (she doesn't believe me that it is possible to get sick from such a small amount of gluten)" I told her that now Ethan might turn out to be a whimpery, whiny ring bearer if he eats her pie and gets glutened. And she said, in that harsh voice, "Don't be ridiculous, just get over it!"

I am upset, talk about cruel! She has a mother-in-law AND a mother with celiac disease, but she obviously takes neither one of us seriously. And she has been diagnosed with a wheat intolerance (and personally I believe it is more likely celiac disease), and I think she is in denial.

So, I called Sarah to let her know that she may not want her kids to eat the pie. And she said, "Oh, we don't worry about stuff like that in this house". Meaning, that her kids aren't really gluten-free, and I told her so.

Then she said, "In that case, you are probably not 100% gluten-free yourself, because then you would get glutened in your house all the time". And I told her that she was right about that, and that until people in this house stopped eating gluten, I'd never get really well. And that if she wants to know how well her kids can be, she should make her house gluten-free, as she has symptoms of celiac disease herself anyway, and so does at least one more kid who isn't on the gluten-free diet yet. She said she'd think about that.

I am sooooooooooo fed up! Why won't the kids believe me? Karen KNEW that she shouldn't brush the crumbs off the apple and put it into the pie, and she did it anyway and then called me and told me about it. Just to upset me? I don't know, and I don't understand.

Another thing I didn't even think about is the people with dairy intolerance who can't have the pizza either, even if they don't have celiac disease. That includes ALL FIVE of Sarah's kids, and Susie (my youngest daughter, who is a bridesmaid).

So, the mother of the bride, one of the four bridesmaids and the ring bearer and flower girl can't eat the food served at the rehearsal dinner. It gets more interesting all the time.

I am going to be really glad when this wedding is over!

[AndreaB]

Ursa,

I'm sorry. Hang in there, it's almost over.

[NoGluGirl]

Dear Ursa,

Your family and mine have got to be related somehow! Your children sound like my brother and parents. They can go ahead and live in their own little imaginary world. I told them, if they keep eating gluten and stay sick, they have no right to whine! I am tired of hearing them complain about feeling bad, when they refuse to listen to me!

They would rather get intestinal cancer than give up eating out, or pastries. That is fine. However, they are not allowed to complain about it when it happens. They were warned. Being stubborn is your own fault. Then they have the nerve to act like I am cold!

I become violently ill from a microscopic amount of the crap! Gluten is deadly to me! It is not them who becomes so ill, so why would they care? People are self-centered. I have pretty much just shutdown emotionally at times due to this.

I do not want to be around these people. I do not have much of a choice because I am stuck living with my parents right now. They gripe wanting me to go out and get a job, but refuse to help me get well. They are careless about crumbs, and I have gotten sick because of it. I have to go to extreme lengths to avoid getting glutened.

Sincerely,

NoGluGirl

[SunnyDyRain]

I think everyone should eat the pizza, let her get the whole bridal party and families sick, and let them all be miserable and running to the bathroom during the ceromony. Let the church fill with noxious food intolerance gas! Let everyone be sick and miserable and focused on themselves and ignore the bride and see how she likes it!

[NoGluGirl]

I think everyone should eat the pizza, let her get the whole bridal party and families sick, and let them all be miserable and running to the bathroom during the ceromony. Let the church fill with noxious food intolerance gas! Let everyone be sick and miserable and focused on themselves and ignore the bride and see how she likes it!

Dear SunnyDyRain,

I agree! It would serve her right! This woman has no consideration for anyone but herself! Ursa and her family deserve better. This is so sad.

Sincerely,

NoGluGirl

[Lisa]

Ursa:

When the day comes, I am sure that it will be a beautiful event and all the issues today will be forgotten. You will be a beautiful mother of the bride. There is a silver lining in everything.

Enjoy the day.

[DingoGirl]

Ursula - - - Oh I can't wait for this all to be over for you. The daughter who baked the pie......she sounds kind of passive-aggressive...... Ugh! I say, take your own food to be safe....and get through the day. If the mothers are in such denial about wheat and dairy sensitivities.....there isn't that much you can do. It is just awfully painful to watch, though, isn't it.

Let us know how it goes.......it's almost over!

xoxo

[Ursa Major]

Well, the rehearsal is over, dinner and all. I had a lot of fun watching the babies while the mothers helped getting things ready for tomorrow (making flower arrangements, practicing their music etc.). Zoey, Karen's baby, is 13 months old, and Hanna, Sarah's baby, is 10 months old.

For the most part, I was completely in charge of Zoey (the sweetest little thing, with fire red curls and big brown eyes), and at times Hanna as well. Looking after little kids is what I am best at, so that was a perfect arrangement.

I did bring my own food and drink, which was fine. I sat at the table with Sarah, her husband and kids, who also didn't eat the regular food (except for the parents and the two-year-old). I had to bite my tongue when Karen brought her pie, and Sarah told the kids it was gluten-free and safe to eat. Both of them knew it wasn't really true, but there was nothing I could do. I just hope the kids won't be sick tomorrow.

I baked a couple of really nice desserts for myself and the kids that are gluten, dairy, soy, lectin and grain free and low in salicylates and safe for all of us to eat at the wedding dinner.

Even though it was somewhat overwhelming for me, as all social events are, I feel good about it. I don't think I did or said anything the kids would consider rude or embarrassing, I had safe food, I enjoyed the kids, even my own kids, and I am back home in one piece.

Really, my kids aren't terrible people. They just choose to be ignorant about my health issues, so they don't have to look at their own. I think they are all in denial, as all five of them have symptoms of celiac disease and don't want to know, and don't want to listen, it hits too close to home.

Janet is a brat and always has been. Sometimes she surprises me by being sweet, she was the only one of my kids who bothered to get me a birthday present (and got her brother to chip in, but it was her idea). I can't figure her out, we've always been at odds. She likes to control people and situations, but looking at who her dad is, it is surprising not more of my kids are like that.

Anyway, I am sure I'll get through tomorrow fine, and then I'll have a bit of a breather for a few days, before Sarah and her family (all seven of them) will come next Thursday to stay with us for four days before heading back home to Ottawa (they are going to visit with Karen for a few days first).

I think I will have earned my holiday in Germany when I am finally going! I hope six weeks will be long enough.

[AndreaB]

I'm glad everything went ok with the rehearsal dinner. Hopefully the children won't be sick, but if they are then I also hope their mother takes celiac and contamination more seriously.

Have a great time tomorrow and keep looking forward to your trip.

[wowzer]

I hope all goes well with your daughter's wedding. Your grandchildren sound adorable. It sure can be stressing going through all of this. My daughter's mother in law tried to run the show. She even showed up in an off white beaded dress. I even heard a few comments from people like which one is the bride. It will be over before you know it. All the planning and it just flies. I hope that you have a nice trip to Germany. Wendy

[NoGluGirl]

Dear Ursa,

I hope the children do not end up sick, either! That would be awful! It is not fair for them to have to suffer for others' stubborness. I have to deal with that from my parents. At least some of it is over.

It is wonderful you have your plan worked out. That will help a lot. Tomorrow should go fairly smoothly. I am sure you will get the chance to enjoy your grandchildren even more! You certainly will deserve that trip to Germany! My best friend is of German descent, and she went there for her graduation present from her aunt five years ago. It is such a nice country!

Sincerely,

NoGluGirl

[michelleL]

Sometimes, family just don't "get" it. They don't suffer from food intolerances, they don't know how it is/feels/etc. for whatever reason (mostly selfish reasons...) and may think you are the biggest freak. You just have to take care of yourself, if it means bringing your own food... Food shouldn't be the main event, anyways.

At my wedding, my parents hired the caterers and never told them once that I could not eat gluten. I had to call them personally myself to make sure there would be something for me to eat. The caterers really were not very obliging. Apparently, the guests were more important than the bride, herself... I baked a gluten-free cake, a plain almound-flour cake with white frosting and stuck real flowers all over it - so pretty and delicious, and brought it to the reception, so I'd have cake to eat - I definitely wanted to eat cake at my wedding.

Unfortunately, that's the way it goes sometimes with family, and other folks. You may never be able to get them to see how things are for you - but nonetheless you just gotta look out and take care of yourself.

[Guest maybe I have celiac]

Sometimes, family just don't "get" it. They don't suffer from food intolerances, they don't know how it is/feels/etc. for whatever reason (mostly selfish reasons...) and may think you are the biggest freak. You just have to take care of yourself, if it means bringing your own food... Food shouldn't be the main event, anyways.

At my wedding, my parents hired the caterers and never told them once that I could not eat gluten. I had to call them personally myself to make sure there would be something for me to eat. The caterers really were not very obliging. Apparently, the guests were more important than the bride, herself... I baked a gluten-free cake, a plain almound-flour cake with white frosting and stuck real flowers all over it - so pretty and delicious, and brought it to the reception, so I'd have cake to eat - I definitely wanted to eat cake at my wedding.

Unfortunately, that's the way it goes sometimes with family, and other folks. You may never be able to get them to see how things are for you - but nonetheless you just gotta look out and take care of yourself.

It just occurred to me that your daughther's behavior is probably celiac mood related and she doesnt know it...

I have definitely noticed a difference in my behavior, less depressed, moody, angry without the gluten

[Ursa Major]

It just occurred to me that your daughther's behavior is probably celiac mood related and she doesnt know it...

Yes, I agree that it is a possibility. She has chronic tonsillitis, frequent ear infections and is always cold. But she refuses to try the gluten-free diet. She would do the blood tests, but would have to pay for it herself, as our government thinks celiac disease testing is unnecessary. I don't think she wants to spend the money, especially because I don't think she wants to know, because she doesn't want to give up gluten foods.

Anyway, the wedding is over, we just got home. It was an outside wedding in an open air chapel in the woods. Yesterday for most of the day it was scorching hot and humid here. Then, late afternoon, we had a violent thunderstorm, after which it cooled off dramatically. Today was absolutely perfect, just a comfortable temperature, blue skies, a nice breeze, and the bugs weren't too bad.

Everything went well without a hitch. There was lots of gluten-free food for me and the kids, and I brought nice desserts for us, and my own salad dressing. I don't think anybody got glutened.

My outfit was much admired, and people loved my speech. And I am exhausted and will go to bed now.

Thanks everybody for your support, you helped me get through this.