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Does The Spouse Really Understand


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#1 Mally-bug

 
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Posted 19 August 2007 - 09:04 AM

Well, I have been TRYING to eat gluten-free since July. My daughter had a positive result from Enterolab and she and I both had positive dietary responses. Another daughter got on the bandwagon after seeing our success and she is doing great (eliminating casein too) Now, my son (who lives on his own) is trying this as his fiance is positive he has this as well ---I do too! Now, for hubby......

Here is my problem: we are now empty nesters (at least during college months) and he likes pizza, pasta, chinese food, ice cream cones, etc. He wants to support me, BUT he likes to try new places like a restaurant called "noodles"...does that even sound like a place a gluten-free person should enter????? It's hard walking into Panera, Einstein, etc. I know I am preaching to the choir here. You all know the story. How can I get him and my other extended family to see that this is real for me and not just another trendy fad thing I am doing for a short while before I slip up again?

I have been glutened a few times and he is amazed at the speed at which this affects me. I can tell with 20 -30 min if I have ingested something wrong. You can too, right? My extended family thinks I'm crazy (mine and in-laws) and anything in moderation is fine and so "having a little" is ok. Like my very well intentioned sister who dumped all the spaghetti sauce onto the wheat pasta before "we" got our chance to put a little on our rice pasta..... See what I mean? So what do you do?

My husband is a great guy, but I just don't think he really gets it. Anyone else in this situation? I'll look for your advice.
Thanks~ :(
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gluten free since 7-07 with positive dietary response
Enterolab results positive for gluten sensitivity

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#2 Guest_j_mommy_*

 
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Posted 19 August 2007 - 09:24 AM

It's frustrating!!!!

There is another thread going on right now about this too!!!!

As for resturants.....call ahead and see if they can accomodate you...maybe you and your hubby could compramise!!! NOTE: As far as I know panera has a gluten-free menu!!!!! Look online! Noodles and Co has one too! And many of these places are aware of CC....just be proactive and call ahead!

Good Luck!
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#3 EBsMom

 
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Posted 19 August 2007 - 10:01 AM

My extended family thinks I'm crazy (mine and in-laws) and anything in moderation is fine and so "having a little" is ok.


Sigh....I feel your pain. It's the same with my in-laws. (Luckily, my mom and brother understand and are supportive. In fact, my mom read some of my books and is now trying a gluten-free diet, as she has several health issues which suggest that she also has a gluten intolerance.) I ended up having a loud confrontation with my in-laws. It's not the way I would have chosen to handle things, but they kept arguing with me, questioning whether my kids and I really needed to be gluten-free. I told them that it was immaterial what they thought, as my dh and myself make the decisions for our kids, and that they needed to respect and defer to our those decisions. It was very unpleasant for a while....but my m-i-l seems to be coming around now. She actually asked me the other day about foods that might be "safe" to serve if she had us over for dinner. I think that's progress. My decision about how to handle this with extended family members has been to assert, in a matter-of-fact way, what our dietary needs are, and if I'm not 100% sure that I'm being understood, I just bring my own gluten-free food to avoid problems. I think I've stepped on toes a few times, but oh well....it's better than my kids or me getting sick! Also, I've been very verbal about celiac disease, gluten intolerance, the gluten-free diet....I'm assuming that if I keep talking about it, I'll eventually raise their awareness.

As for my dh....he mostly supports the fact that the kids and I need to eat this way, but he's not 100% behind it. He keeps asking me if "a little" would really be that much of a problem, but then refuses to read the literature I provide to answer that question. He also has no idea how to implement the diet - I came home the other day, mid-afternoon, and the kids hadn't had lunch yet, because dh "didn't know what they could eat." Luckily, the kids do know what they can eat, for the most part, and so they snacked and didn't "starve." I've pointed out to dh numerous times that everything in the kitchen, save for his English muffins and beer, is gluten-free. (And his English muffins are kept in a bread box - the kids and I call it "the gluten box.") He has also been frustrated that I'm so hesitant to eat out since we went gluten-free. I'm trying to get the "lay of the land", concerning local restaurants, but it's slow going. We had one disastrous experience in a local place and it scared me. We've only been doing this diet for about 3 months....so I'm hoping that I'll get more relaxed as we go.

Sorry....not much advice....just wanted you to know that others are going through the same thing!

Rho
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#4 Lisa

 
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Posted 19 August 2007 - 12:32 PM

It's frustrating!!!!

There is another thread going on right now about this too!!!!

As for resturants.....call ahead and see if they can accomodate you...maybe you and your hubby could compramise!!! NOTE: As far as I know panera has a gluten-free menu!!!!! Look online! Noodles and Co has one too! And many of these places are aware of CC....just be proactive and call ahead!

Good Luck!



I just want to add Panara Bread has a gluten free menu or they will bring the ingredience list to you to look over. Gluten free does not mean that you will be house bound for meals. Although, there is a risk at eating out, it has it's benefits too.

oops...Jess covered this.
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Lisa

Gluten Free - August 15, 2004

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#5 Mally-bug

 
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Posted 19 August 2007 - 01:37 PM

Thanks ladies. I know my family means well and I didn't want to gripe, but I guess I needed to vent. Thanks so much for all your advice.
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gluten free since 7-07 with positive dietary response
Enterolab results positive for gluten sensitivity

#6 CMCM

 
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Posted 01 September 2007 - 01:22 PM

What I've found is that the need to eat gluten free is not a reality for a lot of family members. It's not something they can SEE. I finally realized I was expecting too much of them and their understanding....ultimately, it was all up to ME to establish the eating rules for myself rather than expect everyone else to be continually solicitous of my situation. So now if he suggests eating somewhere that I know has nothing for me that is gluten free, I'll just say "Nope, I don't want to eat there." I'll suggest somewhere else, and he's always agreeable.

I also think I was subconsciously expecting him (and others) to more or less eat gluten free as well. But now I realize I shouldn't ask that, so when they eat gluten things I have just learned to ignore it and eat my own things. I don't make it a big deal in my mind or feel bad about it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the adjustment had to come from me. Once I was firm about things (as opposed to being wishy-washy for a long while), that cleared the air and things actually became quite easy. I'll admit part of the ability to do this only came after I myself had accepted my own need to be resolutely gluten free no matter who I was with. No exceptions.
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CAROLE

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Enterolab 1/2006
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Mom has 2 celiac genes
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Lots of celiac disease in my family, both sides.

#7 emcmaster

 
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Posted 02 September 2007 - 05:28 PM

I can't identify with the spouse issue, as my husband is a million times more supportive than I ever guessed he would be (and I thought he would be perfect). He eats gluten-free at home, except for sandwich bread, which he makes on dedicated counter space. He is incredibly careful and does most of the cooking for the two of us - a definite plus! I really can't say more great things about my husband and his supportiveness - and I'm so sorry to hear that yours isn't "with the picture."

However, my parents are another story. They actually cut me off of their insurance policy (claimed it was an "accident" because they forgot to send in college admission statements to prove to the insurance company that I was still in school and therefore qualified to be covered). To this day, my Dad still doesn't understand what it is I can't eat (he's offered me bread so many times I can't count). They're more supportive now that it's been 1-1/2 yrs but they still don't "understand".

My FIL asked my husband the other day when we were making plans to have lunch with them while on vacation if I wasn't "over that already". :blink:
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ELIZABETH

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#8 Virgie

 
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Posted 04 September 2007 - 12:08 PM

["Over that already" - That sounds like my mother who thinks my 13 year old daughter with Celiac and 17 year old son with Ulcerative Colitis will "grow out of it". Sigh!!!


We just found out for my daughter so I'm not sure how supportive everyone will be yet. It can be frustrating when others don't get it.

Virgie


quote name='emcmaster' date='Sep 2 2007, 08:28 PM' post='340660']
I can't identify with the spouse issue, as my husband is a million times more supportive than I ever guessed he would be (and I thought he would be perfect). He eats gluten-free at home, except for sandwich bread, which he makes on dedicated counter space. He is incredibly careful and does most of the cooking for the two of us - a definite plus! I really can't say more great things about my husband and his supportiveness - and I'm so sorry to hear that yours isn't "with the picture."

However, my parents are another story. They actually cut me off of their insurance policy (claimed it was an "accident" because they forgot to send in college admission statements to prove to the insurance company that I was still in school and therefore qualified to be covered). To this day, my Dad still doesn't understand what it is I can't eat (he's offered me bread so many times I can't count). They're more supportive now that it's been 1-1/2 yrs but they still don't "understand".

My FIL asked my husband the other day when we were making plans to have lunch with them while on vacation if I wasn't "over that already". :blink:
[/quote]
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#9 geokozmo

 
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Posted 13 June 2008 - 04:32 AM

. Anyone else in this situation? I'll look for your advice.
Thanks~ :(
[/quote]
Hi I can identify.
I dont think there is a quick solution. We should all try our best to raise the wareness of the ppublic. The same happened around carbyhidrates, colesterin, diabetes...so let's hope that in a few years glutenfree will not be frowned upon as it is today. But let us not forget that already there are some shops where you can get glutenfree stuff. It would be helpful if a major name (a movie star or a politician) would "come out" as a glutenfree person.

Geo
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#10 ksymonds84

 
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Posted 13 June 2008 - 06:55 AM

My FIL asked my husband the other day when we were making plans to have lunch with them while on vacation if I wasn't "over that already". :blink:
[/quote]

Its the opposite for me. My husband and his family are totally on board because my husband's brother is celiac but my parents...forget it. They just came to stay with me and my husband caught my mom almost using my toaster for her gluten bread! I have a sticky label right on it stating "Gluten Free Only"! They also kept buying rolls and bread because they have to have the real stuff. They do love me but they totally don't understand the diet. My mom has had problems with diarreah all of her life but she refuses to listen to me that I don't have diarreah when I stay away from gluten :(
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#11 ShayFL

 
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Posted 13 June 2008 - 07:05 AM

My husband and daughter have been very supportive. I could not ask for more.

Had a dinner party and explained gluten-free, but someone still brought a baked good. It had "semilina" which they thought was gluten-free. I dont fault them for their ignorance, but we said if you must bring something, wine or flowers would be lovely.

Anyway, when they arrived and I saw it, I told them it had to go out on the porch as no gluten is allowed to even sit on my counters. It made them feel uncomfy, but I simply do not care. The chips will fall where they may. Real friends will still be by my side and the rest can do eat gluten without me.....LOL

Same for family, if they cannot support me, then I dont eat their food and if they visit me, they can either eat mine or eat gluten elsewhere. I guess I am over "pleasantries" just to make everyone else comfortable. I need to be comfortable and I am important to me. :)
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GLUTEN FREE 4/4/08. LEGUME/SOY FREE 5/15/08. YEAST FREE. CORN FREE. GRAIN FREE. DAIRY FREE. I am eating all meats, eggs, veggies, fruits, squash, nuts and seeds. I just keep getting better every day. :)

Do not let any of the advice given here substitute for good medical care. Let this forum be a catalyst for research. Find support for any post in here before you believe it to be true. Arm yourself with knowledge. Let your doctor be your assistant. Listen to their advice, but follow your own instincts as well. Miracles are within your reach. You can heal!

#12 Juliebove

 
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Posted 14 June 2008 - 06:05 PM

I just went through this again today. Daughter went to a birthday party at a bowling alley. She said there would be pizza and hotdogs served. Turns out there was no pizza. Just hotdogs and potato chips. Husband took her to the party. I fed her lunch ahead of time and sent her with an allergen free cupcake. Told husband she could eat no pizza. No hotdogs. Just the cupcake.

So he called. "Can she eat potato chips?"

"That depends. Are they cooked in soybean oil?" She has a soy allergy.

"How would I know?"

"Ask to see the bag."

"So, just soybean oil right?" *Click*

As he was hanging up, I was starting to say more. Like her other food allergies. *sigh*

Then he calls back.

"Can she have a hotdog without the bun?"

"No."

"Just a hotdog?"

"I don't know what are in the hotdogs."

"They're just hotdogs!"

I tell him there could be milk or wheat or soy..." And as I am telling him this, I am picturing him pulling a hot dog out of the bun and giving it to her. He has tried to do this before. And seeing as how this is a party and everyone is not ordering their own food, it is unlikely they will have a fresh hotdog sitting there that has not touched a bun.

So they came home and daughter tells me she at nothing but her cupcake. The potato chips (never found out if they were in fact safe to begin with) had been touching the hotdogs. She knows better. She also gave away the candy from the treat bag that she could not eat. Like the giant box of licorice.
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#13 jparsick84

 
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Posted 16 June 2008 - 07:56 AM

Being the second autoimmune disease in the family, I have to say I was expecting more support on my issue. Nearly every male in my family has diabetes so everyone understand the No Sugar with diabetics. But I think the issue with Celiac disease is that it's just too hard for them. If one of the diabetics accidentally gets a plate with a few sugar grains on it, it's not going to really hurt them - they just adjust their insulin, no big deal.

Every time I visit family, they think that I can do that as well. "Sure honey, just adjust your medication." I'm slowly making progress, though. I think each family member must have their own ennui about the whole thing.

Mom: when she bought me a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and I pointed out the wheat flour in that brand ("But the Pepper Jack flavor is ok!")

Grandma: when she went to make me broth for Thanksgiving, and I showed her the label that had wheat flour on it. (She was appalled - "It's chicken broth, how is there wheat in it?!?")

Brother: when I went out with him for Mexican food, and it turned out the chips had been fried in shared oil. (We didn't know until after we downed most of the basket and my DH broke out right there at the table)

Grandpa will never get it - the other day he called it "the Rich Girl's Disease", since I only eat fresh foods at their place (to avoid interrogating Grandma about my food and stressing her out that she can't feed her granddaughter)

Dad is on the way - he finally met someone at work the other day who has Celiac, so now at least he believes it's a real condition.

So I don't know what it will take to prompt your husband's understanding. Some people say if you make him eat gluten-free for a week he'll get it, but he may just feel resentful. Talk to him when you're both focused - maybe even bring in an impartial third party to mediate. Try to relate it to something he understands ("Honey, when you eat pizza in front of me, it hurts. It's like me eating your favorite food in front of you when you've just had a root canal.") Once he sees you changing, hopefully he'll understand. Good luck!
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#14 kbtoyssni

 
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Posted 14 July 2008 - 08:03 AM

Its the opposite for me. My husband and his family are totally on board because my husband's brother is celiac but my parents...forget it. They just came to stay with me and my husband caught my mom almost using my toaster for her gluten bread! I have a sticky label right on it stating "Gluten Free Only"! They also kept buying rolls and bread because they have to have the real stuff. They do love me but they totally don't understand the diet. My mom has had problems with diarreah all of her life but she refuses to listen to me that I don't have diarreah when I stay away from gluten :(


I think I would make my parents stay at a hotel if they did this to me! I'm lucky that mom is also gluten-free so she's not going to bring any gluten products into my house.
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#15 *lee-lee*

 
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Posted 14 July 2008 - 08:56 AM

Hi Mally-bug...i'm in a similar situation as you are. (see the thread i started: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Being Dramatic)

Since i just moved away from my immediate family, i don't really know how it is to deal with anyone on a day-to-day basis besides my boyfriend. He likes to cook and i never objected...until now. I am so nervous that he'll do something to unknowingly contaminate the food so i've decided to just teach myself to cook lots of yummy gluten-free meals and keep him as far away from the kitchen as possible! i nearly fainted when i heard him in the kitchen last night pulling a dirty spoon out of the sink and rinse it off before scooping some of my safe ice cream! we had a pretty stern chat after that...

my grandmother has Celiac, which i guess turned out to be a good thing for me because her diagnosis helped lead me in the right direction with my doctor. but she was diagnosed 20 years ago when it wasn't as well known and as a result, she cheats on her diet all the time. She makes her own bread and cooks rice pasta when she's home but she won't think twice about eating regular food while out. in talking to her, i've come to find out that she doesn't really know about all the hidden gluten in stuff so she tends to dismiss my concerns about food. she thinks it can't hurt her that much because she's already old and has osteoporosis (uh, hello...!) i find it easier to let her have her opinion but continue to do things the way i feel comfortable.

i've found the best technique is to keep repeating yourself (but in a polite way) until you get your point across. one poster in my original thread suggested i ask my boyfriend if he would appreciate small traces of estrogen in his food, causing him to sprout boobs. worked pretty well, i have to say.

he has come a long way after many serious discussions. we're going camping with his family this weekend and he has already asked me what i want to bring with us for food. he knows i won't be able to eat much of the food everyone else brings so we're preparing to bring safe chips, lots of fruit, safely marinated chicken to grill on foil and of course Rice Chex for breakfast.

as for going out to eat, i've avoided it so far but it's only been a few weeks for me. it's been very hard because i used to love to go out to eat (Nothing But Noodles was on of my favs!) just yesterday, my boyfriend asked if i would be mad if he stopped at Panera for a bagel and i cried because i had just been thinking about how yummy a breakfast sandwich would be...he decided not to stop and instead fixed himself something once we got home.

so there is hope and remember you're not alone! i've come to realize it's going to take a lot of patience. this board has been extremely helpful.
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5/23/2008 - blood positive for antibodies
6/24/2008 - negative biopsy
8/11/2008 - DQ2 gene present

7/1/2008 - gluten-free
(and dairy-light until 12/1/2008)




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