Recovering Anorexic/bulimic And Scared

[bessiejay]

Hi everyone. I struggle with anorexia and bulimia and am scared of gaining weight from being on this diet. From articles I have read about it, it seems that people generally gain weight? Am I wrong? I have finally hit a point where i can be content with my weight, but the thought that being on this diet that may have me gain weight, even though it helps me feel better all around, makes it almost not worth it to me. I ve worked so hard to be happy where I am at.

Anyone have any insight to this? I know my mind is warped when it comes to talking about weight and body image so if i am just reading these articles wrong and my brain is twisting them up, please let me know.

Anyone else able to relate to this?

thanks, Bessie

[seeking-wholeness]

Bessie,

One thing to keep in mind when you are reading articles about the gluten-free diet is that many people who are diagnosed with full-blown celiac disease have lost so much weight (unintentionally) that their health is in serious jeopardy. For these people, gaining weight is a primary goal of the diet. I, on the other hand, went gluten-free and promptly LOST twenty pounds of pregnancy weight that I had been carrying around for over a year, to end up at approximately my ideal weight!

Remember, too, that the gluten-free diet is only as healthy as the foods you select. Living on steak and eggs will cause some individuals to gain a lot of weight, and emphasizing high-carbohydrate gluten-free breads and pastries will do the same to others. If you are concerned about maintaining your weight at a healthy level, I recommend looking into the Blood Type Diet. It may sound hokey at first, but I personally believe that the science behind it is sound. If you choose to eat mostly foods that are ideal for your body, I suspect that your weight will naturally stabilize at a level that you can be happy with.

Another aspect to consider is that celiac disease deranges our bodies' ability to absorb adequate nutrition as long as we continue to consume gluten, and gluten itself can act like a mind-altering drug in SOME individuals. Either or both of these conditions can negatively affect your brain chemistry, and you may eventually discover that they have been a major contributing factor to your body-image issues! If this is the case, going gluten-free may help you feel better about your body, even if you end up weighing a bit more than you would be happy with right now. While I have never personally had problems with a negative body image, I did have constant depression (for years) that felt like it was being imposed on me from an outside source (not a "normal" part of my personality). It gradually got worse until I reached the point that I was contemplating suicide nearly every day. And it is GONE now that I am gluten-free! Completely! I'm FREE! I can only hope that you experience the same liberation that I feel right now.

I hope my input helps relieve some of your concern about the gluten-free diet. Please do give it a good, solid try, and remember that we are all here to support you whenever you need it. Good luck!

[bessiejay]

Thanks Sarah.

Its been about a month, and as i have said in another post, I am scared of being too careful. At this point I almost see it safer to not eat or only eat fruits and veggies and nothing else, which also roots back to eating disorder. Now, the foods that i have been eating and felt "safe" about, have been taken away and i need to figure it all out again. Like im right back where i started but with even a bigger fear and a real consequence if i eat anything wrong. I just cant seem to find my happy medium.

Do you think that my ED was a cause of gluten intolerance?

Please if anyone out there can relate, let me know.

[seeking-wholeness]

Bessie,

I don't think your eating disorder caused your gluten intolerance (which is genetic), but I DO think the undiagnosed gluten intolerance probably had A LOT to do with your developing the eating disorder!

Your body needs you to be especially kind to it right now, so it can begin to heal. It's tough to have to take personal responsibility for every bite of food you put in your mouth, especially when you have an eating disorder. Do you have a counselor who can help you work through your feelings? Not "treat" the eating disorder, per se, but just be a sounding board and a source of some practical suggestions? The adjustment period is hard enough for those of us who don't have the added stress of an eating disorder to cope with!

Also, what does your "inner self" have to say about all this? Sitting down and having a heart-to-heart chat with your deep, dark, secret self may help you make peace with your situation. You may even discover unexpected strength (like I did)! Ask yourself, "What is my health worth?" If it is worth little, ask why--and consider discussing this issue with a counselor.

My gut feeling (if you'll pardon the pun) is that the gluten-free diet will help your body image issues immensely, but I know from personal experience that in order to reap the full benefit of the diet, you must NOT make compromises. As hard as it is (especially when everyone around you is telling you to "loosen up" about your food issues), I think you will be very pleased with the results if you aspire to be 100% gluten-free!

Good luck, and keep in touch!

[Kim]

Hi Bessie.

I hope you are adjusting well. It is a big adjustment. People on a gluten-free diet are no different than gluten eaters with respect to gaining weight. If you eat too much of something, you probably will gain weight. But, if you eat appropriate amounts (I'm not saying starvation levels, by any means) then you should be fine. Sometimes, people who discover gluten free foods (i.e., they don't get sick after they eat, etc.) are so happy that they overeat. I would strongly recommend you work with a dietician who is knowledgable about the gluten-free diet to come up with some solutions that work for you so that you can ensure you are giving your body enough of the nutrients it needs while also maintaining a gluten-free lifestyle.

Good luck.

[jen-schall]

I can totally relate! I found out about my celiac disease from being in an ED program. it's so crazy. now the doctors are all like, maybe your "disorder" was just because of celiac! but obviously, the behaviors and feelings that go along with the ED dimension of it don't just disappear once you go gluten-free.

you know, I think it's heavily and awfully ironic for an ED person to have to be cured through MORE food restriction! !!! also, it's weird, but I feel like I am better at being gluten-free because I'm so used to saying, "I can't eat this. I can't eat that." it's pathologically based, maybe, but it works.

I highly recommend seeing a therapist if not going into an ED program. are you still actively ED or are you recovering or don't you know? for me, the ED got so much better once I was able to eat without feeling like I was going to freaking die or throw up all over, or both. I have been seeing a therapist and a nutritionist and a GI specialist and a regular med doctor over the course of about 7 months, and the difference in my life is incredible.

The important thing is that both conditions: ED, celiac disease, get acknowledged. it is so great that you are able to come here and post about it. I always just felt so ashamed. now I feel like recovery is possible - and is happening.

please send me a msg or e-mail if you'd like to talk more. it's really important and I for one am glad (in a weird way) to know someone else is going through the same thing!

take good care!

[Ashley462]

Bessie:

Wow! I can relate to this.

In December I was stupid and went on a low-fat diet (when not really necessary) My doctor says extremely lowfat diets can cause gluten intolerancy. After this extremly low fat diet i was on, I became gluten intolerant a few months later.

Hope this helped!!

[midnightlullaby]

Hi , I also feel like i know how you feel. I struggled with similar problems in college. For me, I realised that a big part of it was actually related to my food intolerances rather than body image, but I think that always plays a big role too because of our f'd up culture. I finally stopped because it got to a point were I was really scaring myself. I think once you start on a gluten free diet, you'll feel much better. You can really eat a lot like veggies, fruit, soy, eggs, fish, etc. Once I got into the habit of it, it got easier and easier. Gluten Intolerance is becoming so much more recognized now too that there are lots of resources online and gluten-free cookbooks, etc. My friends are really cool about it now and are very accomidating. Good luck@@@

[burdee]

Hi Bessie:

I recovered from anorexia and bulimia and recently learned I have gluten intolerance (celiac). Part of my ED recovery process was learning to obey my own body cues of hunger and satisfaction to ONLY eat when I was physiologically hungry and STOP when I was satisfied (before uncomfortably full). Before I got gluten free, I used to eat from pain (of being very hungry) to pain (being uncomfortably full). Healing my intestines by avoiding gluten made recognizing satisfaction different, but not impossible. However, in answer to your question, I don't think you have to gain weight as you heal from gluten intolerance if you use a body conscious, nondiet approach. Of course you must substitute gluten free foods for your former gluten containing favorites, but your BODY will tell you when you have eaten enough to sustain your ideal healthy weight. Like you, I initially feared weight gain with the gluten free diet, that healing my intestines would make me absorb sooo much more nutrition that I would balloon back up to the +40# weight that made made turn to anorexia then bulimia after I lost that weight to keep it off. However, my body STILL reliably tells me when it needs food with hunger cues and when I've eaten enough, IF I eat slowly and consciously. I found I need less of more condensed gluten free breads. gluten-free cookies last much longer, because they're so condensed, I'm satisfied after only a few bites. So listen to your body as you adjust to gluten-free eating and let your body not your eyes dictate how much to eat for satisfaction.

Like you, I also feared gluten avoidance restrictions would send me back into the good food/bad food obsession that made me binge and purge on my 'forbidden' foods. So I adamantly found great substitutes for all my favorite breads, cookies, cereals, etc. I also found gluten-free brands of all my favorite condiments. Now I actually prefer gluten-free breads, because I LOVE dense breads. I made the best gluten-free date nut banana bread last weekend--better than any other fruit breads I previously baked! So think substitution--not deprivation. You may find gluten-free foods you like MUCH better than any gluten containing former favorites. But make sure you can eat a gluten-free form of all the foods you depend on to prevent the deprivation/binge cycle.

I don't think you CAUSED your gluten intolerance/celiac disease with disordered eating habits. Quite the contrary, the celiac symptoms may have influence your disordered eating habits. In my case, the extreme pain in my abdomen after eating gluten made me want to binge on chocolate to induce diarrhea (I had the constipation celiac symptoms with pain & bloating) and then purge to avoid having to digest ANY food for awhile. So I existed on the instantly digested simple carbs and gave my digestive system a break everytime I used b/p. Although I eliminated all my other b/p triggers (good/bad foods & coping with emotions by numbing myself with b/p), the PAIN trigger was the last to go. Fortunately learning that I was gluten intolerant (I discovered lactose intolerance many years ago and used Lactaid supplements for that) eliminated that crazy making pain, so I no longer even experience ANY b/p urges (rather than having to resist or distract myself from urges). So healing from celiac damage and avoiding gluten MAY be the best thing you could do to recover from disordered eating habits.

Finally, I moderate a messageboard/webpage for people who have struggled with and are committed to recovery from disordered eating. I use that term to avoid the disease/addiction connotations associated with eating disorders, because we consider any eating outside of true physiological need 'disordered' and can lead to using food for coping with emotions, so common with EDs. I just posted recently on my board about celiac and warned other members to get a second opinion if their doctors diagnose their symptoms as IBS. If you're interested in joining our online support group on that message board email me at penguina@hotmail.com.

[bessiejay]

THANK YOU THANK YOU! I was losing hope thinking i was the only one who was struggling with gluten and an ED.

Im in recovery i guess you could say, with constant ups and downs. This gluten thing has helped the same way in being able to restrict food. But thanks everyone so much for letting me know im not alone. It makes this easier and I knwo I can come back here now! I will be keeping more in touch now. I will keep all your tips in mind! and be back to hear more.

Please keep them coming!

-Bessiey

[burdee]

Hi Bessiejay and others who responded to this topic:

I suspect there are lots of us out there who struggle with celiac AND 'disordered eating'. Since I discovered my gluten intolerance, I have posted on my webpage topics about "IBS and other useless diagnoses" and "What foods are Beneficial for me?" to alert other members of my online support group about celiac. Several members of my group (who struggle with bingeing and purging) have replied that they experience symptoms which are similar to my gluten intolerance symptoms. While I believe that experience and attitudes which challenge our self esteem, as well as specific beliefs about food and eating, can make us desperate enough to use starving or purging to control weight (to improve our self esteem), I'm sure gluten intolerance must affect some of those who struggle with 'disordered eating'. However, the more we talk about our symptoms, eating habits and gluten intolerance problems, the more we can figure out how to untangle gluten intolerance from disordered eating habits (like bulimia and anorexia). Please write to me at penguinea@hotmail.com. You DON'T have to struggle with those recovery 'ups and downs' alone.

BURDEE

[DrLeonard]

Hi

I just wanted to add to all the great support you already got here. It takes a lot of courage to contend with an ED and celiac disease and I hope that it's getting easier.

[flagbabyds]

I would like to say that a lot of eating disorders are caused by gluten intolerance because you feel better when you don't eat, cause you are not eating food that posion your body. so you overall feel better

[celiac3270]

I would like to say that a lot of eating disorders are caused by gluten intolerance because you feel better when you don't eat, cause you are not eating food that posion your body. so you overall feel better

Yes...gluten has a lot of strange and different effects....I mean, some people get sort of addictions to gluten and they crave the foods that make them sick (pizzas, breads, etc.) I bet many celiacs here were bread/pizza/pasta lovers before diagnosis. Then there are those who had aversions to such foods because they made them sick.....it's all very confusing

[burdee]

Molly:

I would agree that undiagnosed gluten intolerance INFLUENCES lots of 'disordered eating' HABITS which are often labeled 'eating disorders'. That term is similar to irritable bowel disorder which only describes symptoms. Attaching the ED label to someone's behaviors does little to help them change those behaviors, because it focusses on the PROBLEM rather than the solution (healthier eating habits). However, I have met many undiagnosed celiacs who fear eating because they fear uncomfortable reactions or pain, as well as other diagnosed celiacs who binge on 'safe' foods because they feel so deprived of their former 'gluten containing' favorites.

I moderate a website for people recovering from 'disordered eating' habits. Some of them are also diagnosed celiacs. I found it more effective to help people recognize and replace specific problematic behaviors (like starving or bingeing), rather than giving their habits a disease sounding label.

BURDEE

[aljf]

hi,

are the people who started this thread still around?? because i really relate to what you have written, and i'd love to talk more...

i was diagnosed w/celiac disease almost 2 months ago, and i have struggled w/binge eating for years (have also had episodes of anorexia, bulimia... basically i'm ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified)). so this is SO HARD FOR ME. i'm trying to NOT think about food, and now i have to think about it ALL the time. i'm getting good at avoiding gluten foods, but as a result have been binging (almost daily) on candy and ice cream/froyo. i've also had problems with purging about once or twice a week with all of the binging. i was on medication before (wellbutrin), but i stopped taking it because of trouble with insomnia (and the sleeping pills had their own problems), but i think that that WAS probably helping me with the binging. i want to be healthy without drugs, and i don't want to binge/gain weight/feel sick/obsess... anyone out there?

[Peaches503]

Hi Bessie,

Wow, you sound so much like me! Though I have never had full-blown anorexia or bulimia, I believe that I have always suffered from some form of disordered eating. I too have an irrational fear of gainging weight, and since being diagnosed with celiac disease, I am worried about gaining weight, though I only lost about 10 pounds in a year, and even being at the weight I am at now, my body is healthy (I menstruate, my skin and hair are healthy, etc.), but I still have that fear. I also feel like it's safer not to eat or only eat fruits and veggies. I'm so frustrated and feel so helpless and scared at the same time, but I am hanging in there because I'm hoping that the gluten-free diet will help me with my body and psychological issues. When things get rough or I get that fear of gaining weight, I just remember how much I want children in the future. I'm only 22 now, but I know that I would like to have a long, healthy, happy life, and if it means gaining weight, well then I guess I'll have to deal with that when the time comes. After all, I was heavier than I am now and I was happy back then too. Bessie, my point is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I feel your pain, and I know your fears. Please hang in there, and always remember to love yourself, no matter what. I have to tell myself, literally, sometimes that I am beautiful, inside, and I am a wonderful person despite what others may think. Remember that you are worth loving and that your health is more important than anything. You're not alone, so try to just take it a day at a time, and you can always come here for support! Much love and good luck!

-Peaches

[Peaches503]

ALJF,

Hi, I am out here! I feel exactly the same way, and I have been with celiac disease for a month. I too have been eating so much candy and stuff (mainly because I can have it and I feel like I need to give myself a treat for all the stuf that I can't have), but I want to be healthy and maintain my weight without gaining. You are not alone. Feel free to email me at Peaches503@aol.com if you would ever like to chat or if you need someone who can relate. I'm out here, and I need the support too. We will get through this, and being gluten-free can only help us get better, hopefully with our eating/body issues as well as our digestive issues.

-Peaches

[FaithInScienceToo]

Oh, wow...

All of you are so terrific...

My brief ED history:

I was bulimic for about 2 years when I was in college - I had a friend who was anorexic/bulimic and when I learned that she threw up after eating, I tried it one day... Low and behold, I could do so without much difficulty - just had to bend over and will it...never needed to use fingers, etc...

Well...looking back now, it was easiest when I had consumed gluten or dairy - both of which I am sensitive to, it turns out...and both of which really were my preferred binge foods - donuts/cake and ice cream -

Not surprising that the foods bulimics tend to binge/purge with are those types of foods...

It always felt SO healthy to get them out of me, too...to first make myself SO sick (to the point of dizziness) and then to make myself well again...Perhaps the feeling of being 'well again' helped to overrride the true lingering/ongoing health problems caused by gluten intolerance in general?...In any case, I know now that it was a true physical (and not only psychological) addiction, which I thankfully was able to stop quickly after joining a support group for ED's at UCLA while a student there..

After reading your stories, I see a connection between what I binged on and what I was 'not supposed' to be eating/what really did make me sick, in smaller/normal quantities...Looking back, I can see that it was not just a power thing...a control thing...my memories of 'the physical feelings' surrounding it make me see it was ALSO a physical addiction of sorts...I made myself feel so much worse at first, and then in comparison so much better, relatively, to how I felt before bingeing...I believe it served as an addictive way to cover-up the general ill gastro, etc health I always had before going gluten-free...as if, at least temporarily, I could find/provide myself with some sort of feelings of 'getting well physically'...

I would like to thank you all...I have felt shame about having been bulimic in the past, and have rarely told anyone about it (I am now 47)...Seeing some sort of physical/chemical connection to it and being diagnosed Celiac now helps me understand 'it'/myself more...and let go of lingering shame -

THANK YOU

Gina

SF Bay area

ginareynolds164@yahoo.com

[Peaches503]

Hi Gina,

Wow, I just read your story. I don't think you or any of us should feel ashamed for our eating problems (or eating disorders, whichever we've had). Everyone has a skeleton in their closet, and ours happen to be things like that. Though I've never binged or purgerd or ever been bulimic or anorexic, I do have very weird and strong tendencies when it comes to eating disorders. But, you're right, I have to wonder if it isn't all linked to my celiac disease. Anyway, I just want to say that you're not alone, and for me, it has helped letting other people know about my problems. I'm still haniging in here and trying to just get healthy. All I want is to feel "normal", whatever that may be!

-Peaches

[bessiejay]

I havent been here in almost a year. So much reading to catch up on.

Things are still hard, its great to know that there are others out there with ED and celiac disease.

Is anyone still reading this?

[Guest nini]

Hi Bessie, I just read through all this.. I was anorexic in high school and bulimic in my early 20's, it was very easy to b&p on the foods that I now know were toxic to me. I've been dx for 2 1/2 years. Also have struggled with depression and anxiety disorders as well. I've been in counseling for years for depression, post traumatic stress disorder, ed's, drug addiction... on medication for many years as well...

Going gluten-free was initially very scary for me, but also gave me a great sense of control over the diet. I think that having the tendency to obsess about food has in this case been a good thing.

I had gotten extremely frustrated with my body image as I started putting on weight no matter how little I ate or how much I b&p... I'm tickled to say that at this point I have lost over 80 pounds without obsessing about food just focusing on eating gluten free.... the emotional issues that I struggled with and any ED symptoms are completely gone at this point!

I wish you a lot of luck and feel free to PM me

[jenvan]

I had never seen this thread before...and am glad I am catching it now. Welcome back Bessie! I can relate to you ladies here. What a hard issue... I was anorexic for several years (long time ago). I got down to 85 lbs at 5' 4''. I was blessed, unlike many to just 'snap out of it' for some reason...and have never been able to bring myself to that again. But, as is usually the case, once someone has an eating disorder, I think it turns into a life-long struggle. I have been at a pretty ideal weight the past 2 years and was finally feeling like I had found a balance. Then I was diagnosed and the doc told me I would definitely gain weight. Enter--worry.... I have gained a few pounds so far, but b/c of my past it is a lot harder than a few pounds. And I am honestly pretty terrified of continuing to gain more weight. It is frustrating also b/c my energy has improved very little and I find it hard to work out very often. Of course few people really get that....and if I mention it, my dh's attempt at encouragement is 'stop acting so stupid.' I guess it will be even harder to maintain and balance our weights for those of us like this. I have always been pretty disciplined, but since going gluten-free, I find it harder to continue to cut and cut from my diet. I am trying to limit carbs so I don't gain anymore weight...but its hard to stay motivated when I've already elminated so much! (You all know about this...) One of the best pieces of advice I can offer to us is accountability--whether it be here or with a close friend...to let someone in on the struggle, so if you start to drift, they can help pull you back. For me, cutting down on carbs I guess means making them pretty inaccesible--like in not keeping anymore midels or lundberg chips in the house!

Nisla--glad to hear your encouraging story!

Bessie--hope you are doing well...

[Guest nini]

Jen, gotta love your hubby's encouraging remarks!?!

I'm glad to share. I hope my story helps someone else.

[Billygoat]

Wow! I'm totally in awe as I read this. I'm 34, have had GI issues for as long as I can remember. Was bulimic in late HS and college years. Like someone else said, I would b&p on all the stuff I was sensitive to...cakes, cookies, donuts, pastries, bread, (even alcohol!) but didn't realize why it was so easy purge those from my system. All due to low self-esteem issues, which I've struggled with since 11/12 years old. Of course, I struggled with severe depression as well - attempted suicide twice in my life, to be discovered too soon by friends. I never even considered that there might be a connection with celiac disease. But since being gluten-free, I don't deal with the depression at all. Seriously. I have bad days and occassional crying jags, but NEVER do I feel depressed like I used to. (Unless I get glutened, then it pops up sometimes.) I guess all that to say that I've had my eyes opened a little reading all of you people struggling with the same thing.

Bessie, if it's any consolation, since I've gone gluten-free, I've actually lost weight. It's still a comfortable weight for me, but it was of concern to me initially as well. After thousands of dollars and hours on therapy and recovery groups, I'd worked hard to not obsess about food. And now here I am back to the same thing. But it is different. I obsess about the gluten, not the calories so much. And I've found that being prepared is really the best tool of defense. That means keeping a cookie or some crackers in my purse at all times that I can eat. Because bingeing today is so much more dangerous than before. Before bingeing on a box of cookies was a weight issue...now it's a health issue that I can't afford to do. So I try to have alternatives at hand for emergencies.

God bless you girls. God bless you all for sharing such intimate issues. I'm relieved to know I'm not crazy.

Andi

PS: I also have a VERY supportive husband that helps me monitor my food for health issues. He also tells me everyday how beautiful he thinks I am. He has no idea how encouraging that is to my celiac disease and my overall emotional health.