Overreacting?

[jewlesD]

hello all,

I had a situation come up today that for some reason just really made me upset. I have been gluten free for about 3 months now and actually doing pretty well for the most part. My family has been supportive for the most part too...Today I met my good friend and mother for a mall shopping trip. i had already eaten lunch before I left, and I guess the two of the them had not and wanted to stop for something to eat. We shopped for about 2 hours around town before they decided to stop, and by that time i was getting alittle hungry too. Anyways, my good friend insisted on eating at a pizza and pasta buffet to which my mom agreed. I just sat there watching them eat pizza, which I really miss eating, and just drank a coke. The mall was RIGHT across the road and has a food court with a great salad bar I COULD have eaten at and many choices for them too. I really would never ask anyone to change their habits and normal routines for me, and I DO NOT expect my family and friends to eat like me or even not eat things in front of me...I am so fine with that, but I just felt really bad today and almost unsupported and or not very important. When I get glutened I end up VERY sick so there was no way in hell I was going to cheat and have a piece of pizza. I guess I felt like my family and friend does not understand how hard it really is to give up an old way of life and change completely, so to sit and watch them eat pizza in place I will never be going to again was so hard. I dont know if I am just overreacting and I just need to be gracious to them in letting them be free to choose what they really want to eat. I never in my life though my entire existence would revolve around food but thats my life now and its not going away. I did not say anything to them today and just went for the sake of keeping the peace and not wanting to be a baby...they seem pretty sick of hearing about what I can and cannot eat....anyways, could someone advise...I do not want to overreact.

[mysecretcurse]

That is pretty unsupportive, IMO. The people who care about me go out of their way to accomodate my needs.

I would have left, if it was me. I don't care if anyone thinks that is an overreaction. You have a very very difficult physical condition. You react in whatever way you see fit, honey. Like I said, I would have left. There is no way in hell I'm sitting there watching people eat pizza.

[Laurad-]

I hope they felt REALLY guilty watching you there with only a Coke, because they should have... situations like that are the reason I lost so much weight when I first went gluten free. I used to feel awkward about making my friends and family avoid restaurants that they liked just because I was with them, but then I got over it because they can eat at pizza joints all the time when they're alone; you can't. Next time stick up for yourself with something as simple as "I'm hungry too and there's nothing that I can eat on the menu here, can we please go to ______ instead?" No decent person will respond to that sentence by making you sit there and watch them eat.

[2kids4me]

First off , I understand how you feel and it must have been very difficult to sit there and watch them eat food you cannot have ...it was probably esp hard because you have only been on the diet for 3 months - all the emotions are still pretty raw and you feel a sense of loss (loss of choice in food).

You ate before you went out and did not know others may want to stop for lunch.

Another perspective - is that the family and friends are still learning too - this whole "gluten free" thing is difficult to "get" early on.

Perhaps next time - if someone else wants to eat and you are hungry too - do not think of it as having others revolve around you. Its simply choosing a restaurant. They can choose gluten items or other tasty items at the salad bar...allowing you to eat and enjoy a meal.

An approach that has worked well for me is:

I really can't eat anything at that restaurant and I am hungry too, do you mind if we went "_______". (as another poster suggested). Both my kids are celiac so it teaches them how to handle these situations.

Its not like you are telling them to order what you order..

I am guessing that it may have been easier to watch other people eat whatever choice .....if you had been able to chow down on some gluten free choices.

If the others knew you were hungry too and chose that restaurant knowing you could not eat there - is much different than choosing the place and not thinking about the gluten free aspect of dining out. The latter requires education and also requires you to communicate to others ....give your mom a list of restaurants that have food you can eat.

This is a hard diet to follow in a gluten filled world..... chin up ... you are not over reacting...just reacting as any normal person would to a life changing diagnosis..... and wishing family and friends would think of you when they make decisions like this.

Just remember - most people dont mind choosing a different restaurant - they can always go back another day and get that pizza or pasta if they really want it.

Hope this helps.

Sandy

[Juliebove]

I know how you feel. When my daughter and I go out to a place that serves rolls we always ask for "no rolls". Not a problem.

However, my husband feels that we are paying for the rolls so we should get them. Now I would be fine with it if he had all the rolls placed in front of him and he ate them all. But no! He insists that the rolls be placed in front of us. So we have to sit there looking at them and smelling them the entire time. It really spoils our meal, especially since our choices are so limited to begin with and most of the time we are surrounded by people who are eating stuff we wish we could!

[darlindeb25]

You are not overreacting, not by a long shot. Maybe if you had suggested the food court in the mall, they would have agreed to go there. There is always pizza at the food courts too, and something for you. People who aren't celiac/gluten intolerant, sometimes do not think.

[CCR]

I really empathize with you...it's hard to be the center of attention when that's not a comfortable place to be and we are not all at ease stating our feelings plainly. But...in their defense...you did eat before you went (and I am guessing they knew that, maybe they didn't) and you did not give them a clue what you were thinking. They are not mind readers and they are not accustomed to thinking about food the way we have to.

So I would not waste energy being mad at them or feeling bad about what happened. I would be annoyed with myself and would spend my energy practicing how to handle it next time. At the very least, if you can't bring yourself to ask people to eat where you can find gluten-free food, you can say, "Okay, you guys go get pizza. I'm going to see if there's something in the food court that's gluten-free and I'll meet you at the GAP in an hour."

But, as others have said, they can eat that pizza anytime. You should not hesitate to say "I can't find a thing to eat there. Please, let's choose something else."

As for the husband who taunts (however inadvertently) Juliebove and her daughter with those dinner rolls, I would find a quiet minute to talk to him about it when you are planning where to eat. He may not know how difficult those rolls are to deal with. Ask him to just get one roll for himself. If he can't do it for you, maybe he can do it for your daughter. It's hard enough watching him eat one without seeing the whole plate of them sitting there.

I don't know. I think a lot of problems can be resolved if we talk about them and don't assume that other people know how we are feeling.

[crunchy-mama]

fwiw I don't think you are overreacting. I think that likely they just didn't think about it. It is hurtful when people don't consider our feelings.

[TrillumHunter]

I don't think you are overreacting. What would have happened if you had said, in a calm and pleasant voice, "No, I can't eat anything there. I'll go over to the mall and get something and we can meet up again when we are done." No blaming or finger pointing but each one taking care of their own needs. Now, either they would chose pizza over your company-which you would have to accept-or they would decide to find something at the mall. I think it's fair to put yourself first in this situation without necessarily expecting anyone else to do the same. You know what is best for yourself.

Congrats on being gluten-free for three months! I hope you are feeling better each day. The emotional part does get easier.

[NorthernElf]

I'm probably the only one who will say this but YOU need to look after you and get used to this whole gluten situation.

Not easy, I know.

Ok, I've been at it a little longer than you. I travel everywhere with my own food, either carry it with me or it's in my vehicle. While the rest of your party was ordering their food, you could have gone to get your salad or your own food out of the vehicle. Does it suck ? Yeah, but so does getting sick or sitting with a drink with nothing to eat. You definitely need to plan ahead.

I'm a mom of three kids and the only one in my family that is celiac. We travel to hockey tournaments, games, vacation, all sorts of things and I bring my little lunch bag. For overnights I've brought my own cooler and my small microwave ! I've gone to restaurants for breakfast and ordered milk and a bowl while everyone else orders breakfasts (bring gluten-free cereal). I've sat in restaurants and watched everyone eat nachos for an appetizer, hungry, but waiting for my meal when all the main meals come. It's a way of life after awhile and there are lots of ways to work it out. Others don't get it and I can't trust them to. I don't have a problem with them eating what they want. I don't understand demanding bread not be delivered to the table because one or two people in the party can't eat it. See, why is it my right to ask them not to have the nachos simply because I can't ?? Why should I deny them their bread rolls because I can't eat them ? Yes, I have no choice & they do but still, I don't think that's very fair either.

Admittingly, most of what we eat for meals at home is gluten-free...because I'm the cook. However, my family still has bread, regular pasta, crackers, etc. ...in designated gluten zones. Do I miss stuff ? Yeah, I don't go to restaurants often and food courts don't have much to offer and there are times when I get down about it. This forum is a good place to vent and get it out because folks here understand. However, it is still up to you, when you're out there on your own, to find ways to deal with it all. Best of luck.

[Juliebove]

I'm probably the only one who will say this but YOU need to look after you and get used to this whole gluten situation.

Not easy, I know.

Ok, I've been at it a little longer than you. I travel everywhere with my own food, either carry it with me or it's in my vehicle. While the rest of your party was ordering their food, you could have gone to get your salad or your own food out of the vehicle. Does it suck ? Yeah, but so does getting sick or sitting with a drink with nothing to eat. You definitely need to plan ahead.

I'm a mom of three kids and the only one in my family that is celiac. We travel to hockey tournaments, games, vacation, all sorts of things and I bring my little lunch bag. For overnights I've brought my own cooler and my small microwave ! I've gone to restaurants for breakfast and ordered milk and a bowl while everyone else orders breakfasts (bring gluten-free cereal). I've sat in restaurants and watched everyone eat nachos for an appetizer, hungry, but waiting for my meal when all the main meals come. It's a way of life after awhile and there are lots of ways to work it out. Others don't get it and I can't trust them to. I don't have a problem with them eating what they want. I don't understand demanding bread not be delivered to the table because one or two people in the party can't eat it. See, why is it my right to ask them not to have the nachos simply because I can't ?? Why should I deny them their bread rolls because I can't eat them ? Yes, I have no choice & they do but still, I don't think that's very fair either.

Admittingly, most of what we eat for meals at home is gluten-free...because I'm the cook. However, my family still has bread, regular pasta, crackers, etc. ...in designated gluten zones. Do I miss stuff ? Yeah, I don't go to restaurants often and food courts don't have much to offer and there are times when I get down about it. This forum is a good place to vent and get it out because folks here understand. However, it is still up to you, when you're out there on your own, to find ways to deal with it all. Best of luck.

The rolls I was referring to are served on individual plates and put right in front of us. I have no problem with other people getting rolls. But I request that they not be brought to daughter and I. For someone else to step in and demand that we get our rolls because we paid for them is just wrong, IMO. It's our food and I think we should be able to order it the way we want.

If my husband wants to eat our rolls, then fine. But he never does. Just expects us to sit with the rolls in front of us, then laughs if we get upset about it.

[Helena]

I don't mind watching other people eating stuff I can't eat...but I'm in a different situation because I can't eat in restaurants period. Sometimes I check with the restaurant to see if I can bring my own food and other times I eat in advance and order a drink. I usually carry food with me in case I get stuck somewhere.

But I do think it was thoughtless for them to go to a place where you can't eat when there was another option...but sometimes people who don't have celiac have a difficult time knowing what is safe and what isn't. They might not have realized that there was somewhere close by where you could eat. (Still, they might have asked.)

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that you are hungry and can't eat anything at that place but can eat across the street.

[Rya]

You're feelings are not unjustified. It hurts terribly when people don't consider you, especially close family. You've got to be strong, though, and build yourself a network of family and friends who know what to do when they are around you, teach them gently and slowly. And, carry some raisins in your purse .

[Mango04]

Your feelings are understandable...However, I know this might sound harsh, but you really have to get used to situations like that. People are going to be eating food you can't have in front of you a lot. I know it sucks, but the best way to deal with it is to always have some food with you.

I've never had any friends (even my closest friends) who refrained from eating something in front of me because I couldn't have it. People just don't understand, so I've stopped even trying to explain. Just do your best to take care of your own food needs and know it'll get easier with time.

[jewlesD]

thank you all for the response. I guess in my haste to feel justified I forgot that I have only been at this 3 months and my family is still adjusting as well. I should have spoken up and I think what a lot of you said...bring your own food...is a GREAT idea and something I will be starting today. someone above stated its hard to be the center of attention, and thats how I was feeling, b/c its been such a long road to get diagnosed and I think my family is sick of me always being sick or something wrong I feel like I owe it to them to be a good sport about wherever they choose to eat...I will speak up next time and I think I might just have to get use to everyone besides other celiac's just not understanding every aspect of this illness. To me not getting violently ill is worth the price of never eating gluten again even at the cost of some hurt feelings sometimes. Thank you all for being so supportive, and for the response. I am not sure I could have made it this far without the support and understanding of those dealing with the same issues!

[countrypenny]

thank you all for the response. I guess in my haste to feel justified I forgot that I have only been at this 3 months and my family is still adjusting as well. I should have spoken up and I think what a lot of you said...bring your own food...is a GREAT idea and something I will be starting today. someone above stated its hard to be the center of attention, and thats how I was feeling, b/c its been such a long road to get diagnosed and I think my family is sick of me always being sick or something wrong I feel like I owe it to them to be a good sport about wherever they choose to eat...I will speak up next time and I think I might just have to get use to everyone besides other celiac's just not understanding every aspect of this illness. To me not getting violently ill is worth the price of never eating gluten again even at the cost of some hurt feelings sometimes. Thank you all for being so supportive, and for the response. I am not sure I could have made it this far without the support and understanding of those dealing with the same issues!

Congratulations on your 3 months of being gluten free. I have been g.f. since June and the restaurant thing is torment, but I have solved that problem. I always take my tiny cooler LOADED w/frozen and/or refrigerated items for me any time I get hungry. A separate bag contains food items that require no refrigeration. I am also a vegetarian and cannot tolerate any milk products so menus become a bit of a bother and I do not enjoy people looking @ their menus and deciding what I may eat (as they are usually wrong!). It is easy for others to forget and/or have little empathy when they are free of dietary restrictions and the smell of that delicious PIZZA is calling them. You will figure this all out as time goes by and be able to speak up for what you want and need. Good luck on your journey and start packing food any time you go out just to be on the safe side.

[NorthernElf]

Hey JewlesD...

You will be the center of attention at first...maybe...but after awhile you can do your thing without people really taking too much notice. You don't have to announce what you're doing. My portable lunch bag is kinda cute - it has a shoulder strap and two insulated compartments. It's not too big, big enough to hold a water bottle, some fruit, I love Riceworks chips (I put them in baggies for travel), crackers, small tuna tins & a spoon, crackers, whatever. I have even sat in a pub in England with my tuna and food while everyone else had fish & chips. I was more put out about not having a beer than the food (stuck with wine). I haven't had to but have been willing to bend the truth for my sake - that pub had a sign stating no outside food and I was just waiting for them to say something...they definitely had nothing on the menu I could eat and three other people were in there eating so that oughta be good enough ! They didn't challenge me though.

I work where we have frequent staff meetings and they always include food...I just bring in my own snack and no one even notices anymore. The food is usually cake/brownies, crackers, and sometimes veggies with dip but, since I can't trust the dip, who wants to always just eat plain veggies ?

It's funny the things that get to you. I'm a fitness instructor and runner - people often think I eat the way I do because I'm a health nut. And, if you think about it, the celiac diet is pretty healthy - little processed or prepared food is safe. I just get choked when people think I'm on a weight loss diet and wonder why (I'm a lean person). I sorta get the impression they think I do this because I am too diet happy or something. And then there are the people who have been told by someone to cut back on wheat (not eliminate) and think I'm too strict. Seriously, I went to a camp with my daughter with someone like this - we got gluten free food in our kit daily and the other gal seldom ate it, just ate the regular stuff because she didn't like the gluten-free stuff. She thought I was nuts because I ate the tasteless gluten-free stuff...like I had a choice ! I also work with someone like this - she eats the goodies and thinks I'm just a fanatic. Sometimes a well meaning doc or naturopath tells someone who doesn't have celiac or gluten intolerance to limit wheat...maybe good advice but they don't understand that some of us actually get physically ill if we eat it !!!!

Anyway, enough of a rant. Give yourself time. I've been at this for a few years. At first I fought it, denied it, just got frustrated by it. At this point, I realize only I can watch what I eat and plan for the situations I find myself in. I've accidentally gotten glutened too many times simply because I was hungry and threw caution to the wind. I've also been in social situations and been STARVING because I didn't have anything to eat. Cut yourself some slack...I still have the occasional "down on myself" bout in the grocery store when I see products I can't eat, or my family is out eating something I can't (potlucks make me shudder). Just a month ago I went out and bought a turkey cutlet because my mom was marinating a roast for supper in a homemade sauce that included Worchestershire sauce (has malt vinegar in Canada). I even thought briefly about just eating it or trying for an inside piece rather than make her feel bad...but it's not worth it. I just talked to her aside so she knew what I was up to.

Plan ahead...and keep hanging out here for support !!!

Kudos to you for sticking to not eating at the food court where nothing was safe.