[johncgaiser]

My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.

[kenlove]

Hi John,

It has to be a tough situation for you and your wife. In my case I was diagnosed about 4 years ago and asked my wife to conform to my needs, especially since I'm highly sensitive. It took some time but we've worked things out for the most part. First of all, I cant have any conventional flour in the kitchen -- breathing any of it will usually lay me up for 3 days. She's been really good and learned to work with other flours for things she likes. If she makes pancakes, she'll use gluten free (gluten-free) flour or mixes. Guess I'm lucky she was never big on them anyway but does get frozen waffles at times. We have separate utensils for things. The microwave is mine and toaster oven is hers. She keeps some regular breads in her space in her junk room, away from anything I use. If she does happen to leave crumbs around I usually get upset and she is very sorry. She does make things that I can eat and is very aware of the needs. She has even worked out a gluten free pizza dough so that we can enjoy pizza together. I do have to be firm about some things like no cookies other than gluten-free, nothing in the kitchen area other than her toaster oven and drawer for her utensils only. The few gluten items she still has are kept in her room and washed when I'm not around. It took awhile to work out, over a year, but after more than 30 years of being together it was worth it. I wish you luck and hope you can both find an acceptable compromise. I'm convinced that eating gluten free has to be more healthy for her and would be for you and your children but I also understand not wanting to give up some items.
Good luck
Ken

johncgaiser, on Mar 24 2009, 08:24 AM, said:

My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.

[OptimisticMom42]

Hello John,

Is this an emotional thing for your wife or is she super sensitive? I have a co-worker who says he gets hives in his eyes just from the gluten in other peoples food. I've seen the hives. It's awful.

For me, it's emotional. I feel stupid admitting this but... a couple days ago I (a grown woman with three children) was laying in bed crying while my family ate ice cream in the livingroom. It wasn't the ice cream, it was feeling excluded. That my family had been careless of my feelings.

We do usually compromise. Most meals and treats are gluten, dairy, and soy free just because it's healthier. If something is being brought into the house that is not safe for everyone an exceptable alternative is usually provided for the person who can not indulge. (I'm not the only one in the house with dietary restrictions.)

Good luck,
OptimisticMom42

[tarnalberry]

johncgaiser, on Mar 24 2009, 10:24 AM, said:

My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence. It has disrupted our total quality of life and I find myself resenting her. Is there middle ground at all?

I understand I can't cook the pizza in the kitchen, but can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage and bring them in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage? Can I make them in the backyard?

At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

I need support boot camp.

Depending on how she felt before being diagnosed, she may feel that it is all or nothing.

I get the impression, from your post, that things are emotional enough for the two of you - frustration, resentment, anger, impatience, etc. - that it's going to be difficult to have a productive discussion on it any time soon. There may be other things behind the matter that are making it hard for her to talk about it as well. So, honestly, and I know it sounds crazy, but I'd suggest working with a counselor to help mediate the discussion.

This isn't to say that you two need counseling as a couple, just that it's harder to be purely emotional when you're working with a mediator in a discussion, especially one who's trained to help discussions be productive. (Of course, that means getting a counselor to agree that they're *just* working with you guys on this discussion. )

Regardless of whether you have this conversation mediated, it's not going to be accomplished in one sit-down. And I'd start by letting her know that you really want to figure out the family eating thing, and to do that, ALL you want to do is understand her perspective. And then listen to her - totally unemotionally, regardless of what she says (and some of it might be reaction provoking). I don't mean that she's going to go off on you, I just mean that based on my experience with my husband and I (and we're working our kitchen just fine), it surprised me how differently we think on the food stuff. Ask her questions for more information, but - in this first talk - don't try to respond, defend yourself, or correct her. This isn't about anything other than understanding what her perspective is - right, wrong, or just strange.

Once she's done talking, thank her for sharing that with you, and end the discussion. Yes, no immediate followup! Oh, the open-endedness! Ask her if, in a couple days, when there's more time, you guys can talk again. And when that happens, see if you can do the reverse - explain your side to her, with her just listening. Of course, you have a slight disadvantage, she's got her guard up, and can't change her gluten-free-ness, so she's more prone to feeling helplessly attacked when you don't mean it. So you may find you have to be careful in your approach, but it is kinda that type of discussion, no? And, again, you give it a few days before you guys come back together on the subject.

Giving it a few days gives each of you some time to process what the other has said, subconsciously, and then you might be in a better position to sit down together and work up a plan - maybe nothing more than a "well, here's an idea, let's try it. if it doesn't work, we'll try something else."

Realize that the compromise may not be meeting "in the middle"; she has less to give than you do. But that doesn't mean there isn't a compromise to be found, or at least some common footing that can help ease the resentment.

[laurelfla]

I think all the other posters have great ideas.
For me, it was an emotional issue (I'm the one with Celiac, my husband doesn't have any food intolerances). I constantly felt left out, excluded, worried about food, tired of being worried about food, etc., etc., etc. outside the house. My kitchen has always been the one place where I knew I could eat anything and not get sick, and not have to feel different, either. A haven, if you will.
I was diagnosed in Aug. 2005 -- my husband just started buying his own bread (glutenous) this past January. That was how long it took me to accept the idea of crumbs in the kitchen, etc. He is really careful, and when I find a Frosted Flake on the counter, I get upset and he apologizes, but I have to face that though he is sweet and careful and very concerned for me, he will never have the awareness of that that I have. He's always had his own cookies and cereal; now he also has crackers and bread. And he just got his own frying pan so he can toast up sandwiches, since the toaster oven is mine.
I don't really have any suggestions or anything, just sorry that you are feeling the resentment and hope you guys can find a balance that works. Just thought I'd share my experience.

[gabby]

Would you be willing to try an experiment for a month? For 30 days, eat only gluten free foods in the house (including the gluten free pancakes, pizza, etc.) Do not eat any gluteny foods in the house at all. HOWEVER......during those 30 days, when you are in the mood for gluteny foods....you are entitled to go out for those foods! Yes. Want pancakes? Go to your favorite pancake house and load up on them, eating as messily as you please without having to worry about getting crumbs anywhere. And there's no cleanup.

Same with donuts, fish and chips, pizza...just go to your favorite pizza place. Add a side of garlic bread if you like. Go crazy! Just make sure that NONE of it comes home with you. You've got to eat it all while you are at the restaurant.

Your wife can choose to come with you and enjoy a cup of coffee while you have your feast....or she might decide to stay at home and just have a bit of time to herself. It doesn't matter...because you both get to have a say in what you are doing. So there's no guilty feelings, no feeling unsupported, no resentments.

It is an experiment worth doing because it is a way for everybody to get what they want and not feel controlled by anyone. Diseases come into our lives and we have to adjust in all sorts of ways. Going out for your gluten might just be one of those ways.

After the 30 days, sit down together and talk about your experiences. This just might be one of those win/win situations: she gets a clean gluten-free house, you get a happy and healthy wife, and you get your gluteny foods too. If you can handle the inconvenience of going out instead of making it yourself or ordering in, then this might be a plan worth working into your regular life.

Give it a try...what have you got to lose? And keep us posted on how it works out.

Hope that helps!

[Takala]

My husband and I have been together for over 3 decades, and we both cook. He, much to my astonishment, voluntarily gave up eating most gluten items in the house when I decided to stop eating it. There is occasionally a box of a bit of wheat free instead of gluten free cereal showing up, but that's about it. He thought it was gluten free, when I explained it, he asked for cereal shopping assistance and now when I find stuff on sale, I stock up. He eats oatmeal all the time anyway. I don't, but I'm not paranoid about it as long as the bowl gets rinsed before it goes in the dishwasher. He says he gets enough of the other foods that have gluten, from eating out at lunch and on business travel. Once in a while, if we go out to a "mixed" restaurant, he eats the other stuff. But at home for shared meals, we share meals.

Alas, I can bake faster than we can consume, in terms of calories, so I can keep up with the gluten free bread needs around here.

We make gluten free pizza when we want pizza.
We make gluten free pancakes when we want pancakes. We consider ours to be better, anyway.
We just use tinkyada rice pasta when we do spaghetti. That was dinner last night.

When we go somewhere, I always pack snacks and the go- bag is full of gluten free goodies that he can have, too.

It's just easier this way. You don't have to think as hard. The food is safe.

I'm not sure what I'd do about teenagers, if I had them. Probably read them the riot act about cross contamination if they were being careless, but if they had to have something, just work it out so they didn't feel deprived. They can eat that special junk in their rooms, in restaurants, fast food joints, with friends, in their cars.... the gluten crumbs need to be kept out of the home kitchen. There are many main stream snack items that just happen to be gluten free anyway, and use of those should be encouraged as much as possible. If lunches containing gluten were being packed at home, they would need to be highly contained in their own prep corner.

A lot of this sounds like a cross contamination issue where boundaries were not being respected. The main thing is to keep those hands washed before you touch anything in the kitchen. This works for gluten protein contamination as well as germs. I do not feel deprived, I'm not being unreasonable, but Thou Shalt Not Drag Crap Into My Cooking Area With Your Mittens. I do have some restaurant and fast food cooking experience, so maybe I am a little more aware of this than some people. If you just fed the cat her kibbles, and petted the dog, wash your hands before you cook. Don't touch raw uncooked meat with the bare hands and then not wash your hands before touching something else, for instance. Keep your hands away from your face when preparing raw vegetables.... Assume everything that need to be cooked, could be contaminated with bacteria and cook it thoroughly, especially since we use a lot of eggs in gluten free cooking. When in doubt, throw it out. Sniff it first, stop the worst. Wipe the counter with a paper towel, not a yucky hand rag. Put the leftovers into the refrigerator promptly.

Honestly, sometimes I just about faint when I see other people lick spoons and then stick it back into the pot after they just shooed the wheat eating cat off the counter and coughed into their hand, and then find out the whole lot of them has had some sort of "stomach virus" for 2 weeks. Would I like some tea? Bleep no. Yech !!! And I'm not in any way a "clean freak." But still.

The other important thing would be to make sure that gluten free condiment jars stay gluten free, so that there is no question that the mustard, peanut butter, jelly, butter, etc, had a crumby knife stuck into them, ruining the contents unbeknownst to the person to which it matters. This is the beauty of having the kitchen a gluten free zone.

It does mean you keep a pretty well stocked ingredient pantry, especially if the shopping source is a good distance away.

This may not have been what you wanted to hear, but I doubt that my spouse is suffering from a decreased quality of life because he adapted quickly to a few grocery brand changes, less processed food at home, and eating more homemade baked goods.

My husband also knows just how sick I can get when not eating like this, so that must also be a consideration for him.

[Crystalkd]

Like your wife I require a gluten free enviroment in my house. I feel that my home should be my safe zone. I've been on the diet for two years. My sister moved in afterwards and agreed to go gluten-free. We look at recipes and think about what needs to be changed to make them safe. I've actually learned alot of great recipes from her. The change does impact the family no doubt. Look at it this way. As healing happens she will be a better partner because she is not fighting her body and is not ill. Bringing an already made piiza into the house can cause a reaction plus if you clean the plate it was on with a snonge and then its reused it makes her sick. My sister and I have found that Cheebe mix makes a GREAT pizza crust and that Bob's Red Mill Pancake mix makes great pancakes. Also Tyndikia pasta is Great. Ther are ways to have all the things to love in a gluten-free version so ther is no need for resentment.

I think that trying to share a kitcken with gluten is literally terrifying even two years later. There is just too much room for error and the Gluten made me too sick to even chance it. I'm in broadcasting if I get sick I can't work. Therefore there is no longer temptation.

[TES]

I too, am the celiac wife. I absolutely hate that my husband has given up a lot of the foods we used to enjoy! We've been married for 37 years and while there have been many nice gifts given over the years, one of the best was when he surprised me with a toaster... just for me. I then realized it wasn't so much the food, either gluten or non-gluten, it's the support, the understanding and communication that is the most important. There have been a few tough moments...like seeing gluten exposed hands reach for something non-gluten, thus it being contaminated, and then I have freaked out a little while adjusting. It most certainly affects the whole family and changes your life. I know that my husband would give up all gluten, if I asked...that is what is important to me. Instead I encourage him to eat normally, and he tries really hard to be careful, and I try really hard not to freak out or panic. I also am the cook and used to bake all our bread and pastries, so I have adapted and found most things can be as good as gluten foods. I agree with the other post, maybe you should have father and kid time out, where you pig out on your favorites that you are feeling deprived of. Just be sure and include your wife by doing something with her or for her which is "safe" for her. I think it is very hard for non-celiacs to understand how truly sick a celiac can become and nothing helps it. Gluten affects me so bad, that there aren't words to describe it, you can't escape it with drugs or sleep, it consumes every cell in your body. That is why we can become paranoid, freaky and panic when we see the tinest little crumb. I was once told that if you wanted to be treated like a queen, treat your man like a king...and vice versa. The more my husband supports me, the less freaked out and more relaxed I become, about this disease.
Don't let this crappy disease rob you of any more than it already has. It will take both of you to compromise, communicate, and come to an understanding of what both of you are feeling. You both need each other's support.

[johncgaiser]

Thank you for the reply.

[johncgaiser]

Yes. It is very emotive. She takes our wants as disrespect to her and her condition.

OptimisticMom42, on Mar 24 2009, 11:55 AM, said:

Hello John,

Is this an emotional thing for your wife or is she super sensitive? I have a co-worker who says he gets hives in his eyes just from the gluten in other peoples food. I've seen the hives. It's awful.

For me, it's emotional. I feel stupid admitting this but... a couple days ago I (a grown woman with three children) was laying in bed crying while my family ate ice cream in the livingroom. It wasn't the ice cream, it was feeling excluded. That my family had been careless of my feelings.

We do usually compromise. Most meals and treats are gluten, dairy, and soy free just because it's healthier. If something is being brought into the house that is not safe for everyone an exceptable alternative is usually provided for the person who can not indulge. (I'm not the only one in the house with dietary restrictions.)

Good luck,
OptimisticMom42

[johncgaiser]

Great advice! Thank you!

tarnalberry, on Mar 24 2009, 12:08 PM, said:

Depending on how she felt before being diagnosed, she may feel that it is all or nothing.

I get the impression, from your post, that things are emotional enough for the two of you - frustration, resentment, anger, impatience, etc. - that it's going to be difficult to have a productive discussion on it any time soon. There may be other things behind the matter that are making it hard for her to talk about it as well. So, honestly, and I know it sounds crazy, but I'd suggest working with a counselor to help mediate the discussion.

This isn't to say that you two need counseling as a couple, just that it's harder to be purely emotional when you're working with a mediator in a discussion, especially one who's trained to help discussions be productive. (Of course, that means getting a counselor to agree that they're *just* working with you guys on this discussion. )

Regardless of whether you have this conversation mediated, it's not going to be accomplished in one sit-down. And I'd start by letting her know that you really want to figure out the family eating thing, and to do that, ALL you want to do is understand her perspective. And then listen to her - totally unemotionally, regardless of what she says (and some of it might be reaction provoking). I don't mean that she's going to go off on you, I just mean that based on my experience with my husband and I (and we're working our kitchen just fine), it surprised me how differently we think on the food stuff. Ask her questions for more information, but - in this first talk - don't try to respond, defend yourself, or correct her. This isn't about anything other than understanding what her perspective is - right, wrong, or just strange.

Once she's done talking, thank her for sharing that with you, and end the discussion. Yes, no immediate followup! Oh, the open-endedness! Ask her if, in a couple days, when there's more time, you guys can talk again. And when that happens, see if you can do the reverse - explain your side to her, with her just listening. Of course, you have a slight disadvantage, she's got her guard up, and can't change her gluten-free-ness, so she's more prone to feeling helplessly attacked when you don't mean it. So you may find you have to be careful in your approach, but it is kinda that type of discussion, no? And, again, you give it a few days before you guys come back together on the subject.

Giving it a few days gives each of you some time to process what the other has said, subconsciously, and then you might be in a better position to sit down together and work up a plan - maybe nothing more than a "well, here's an idea, let's try it. if it doesn't work, we'll try something else."

Realize that the compromise may not be meeting "in the middle"; she has less to give than you do. But that doesn't mean there isn't a compromise to be found, or at least some common footing that can help ease the resentment.

[johncgaiser]

Honestly, I am tearing up. On the verge of balling. These are accurate descriptions of our life right now and I am soooooo comforted that we are not alone.

laurelfla, on Mar 24 2009, 12:38 PM, said:

I think all the other posters have great ideas.
For me, it was an emotional issue (I'm the one with Celiac, my husband doesn't have any food intolerances). I constantly felt left out, excluded, worried about food, tired of being worried about food, etc., etc., etc. outside the house. My kitchen has always been the one place where I knew I could eat anything and not get sick, and not have to feel different, either. A haven, if you will.
I was diagnosed in Aug. 2005 -- my husband just started buying his own bread (glutenous) this past January. That was how long it took me to accept the idea of crumbs in the kitchen, etc. He is really careful, and when I find a Frosted Flake on the counter, I get upset and he apologizes, but I have to face that though he is sweet and careful and very concerned for me, he will never have the awareness of that that I have. He's always had his own cookies and cereal; now he also has crackers and bread. And he just got his own frying pan so he can toast up sandwiches, since the toaster oven is mine.
I don't really have any suggestions or anything, just sorry that you are feeling the resentment and hope you guys can find a balance that works. Just thought I'd share my experience.

[sbj]

johncgaiser, on Mar 24 2009, 09:24 AM, said:

My wife was diagnosed last year and now I and our two children are required to eat gluten free while in her presence . . . Is there middle ground at all? . . . can I bring a cooked pizza in the kitchen? Can I make pancakes in the garage . . . At this point, she resents me for inquiring about compromise and I resent her for not being willing to explore where those compromises may be. I want to take her disease seriously and it is frustrating to hear that it is all or nothing.

IMO, you can bring a pizza into the kitchen and you can cook pancakes in the garage. There are many here who share a kitchen without problems. My partner was never advised that he must eat gluten free in my presence because I have celiac disease. I'd suggest you both visit a dietitian (well-versed in celiac and cross-contamination issues) together to speak about these issues. There is, indeed, a middle ground here but remember that it's her health that is at stake while for you it's a matter of convenience. I'm sure you don't want to make her sick but she may be overreacting a bit. It's important to discuss this stuff to get rid of the resentment.

[johncgaiser]

I am sure now that what I have neglected to do properly is acknowledge the severity of her disease and respect her fear and apprehensions.

sbj, on Mar 25 2009, 09:34 AM, said:

IMO, you can bring a pizza into the kitchen and you can cook pancakes in the garage. There are many here who share a kitchen without problems. My partner was never advised that he must eat gluten free in my presence because I have celiac disease. I'd suggest you both visit a dietitian (well-versed in celiac and cross-contamination issues) together to speak about these issues. There is, indeed, a middle ground here but remember that it's her health that is at stake while for you it's a matter of convenience. I'm sure you don't want to make her sick but she may be overreacting a bit. It's important to discuss this stuff to get rid of the resentment.