Get email alerts Get Celiac.com E-mail Alerts  




Celiac.com Sponsor:
Celiac.com Sponsor:




Ads by Google:






   Get email alerts  Subscribe to FREE Celiac.com email alerts

Frusterated With My Boyfriend
0

16 posts in this topic

hi all,

im frusterated and need to vent. my boyfriend (whom i live with) dosnt brush his teeth after eating gluten. even before we go to bed he dosnt brush his teeth. he does in the morning before going to work but thats before im even up so it dosnt do me any good. we litereally never kiss anymore which makes sex really weird and unromantic. i resent that he cant even do something that a normal adult should do before going to bed every night. he can't do it for himself and he can't do it for me. i honestly don't get it. he smokes too which is gross. he chews a lot of gum so maybe because his mouth is minty he thinks its clean? i dont know! he also gets whiney when i tell him he cant eat crackers or cookies in bed. we just redecorated the bedroom with new carpet and everything! even if i wasnt gluten free i wouldnt want to eat in bed.

i know we need to sit down and i need to tell him how i feel but right now he's assleep and im frusterated so i figured id vent to you guys.

thanks,

liz

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites


Ads by Google:

I agree you need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. If he can't do a simple thing like brushing his teeth to help keep you safe and healthy then perhaps he is showing a side of himself that is quite enlightening. Personally I would make the home gluten free and let him have his cookies and gluten food elsewhere. IMHO this is not a man who cares about you and unless he is willing to compromise I would show him the door.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd question why you are with someone who does not respect you? You have a disease that requires you to avoid gluten. He should want you to be as healthy as possible. If he doesn't care enough to help you be healthy you may need to re-think this relationship. You deserve to be respected.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

to be fair i only got diagnosed about a month ago. this is new for both of us.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
to be fair i only got diagnosed about a month ago. this is new for both of us.

Yeah, but a concerned partner would be asking things like, "Should I brush my teeth after eating gluten," or "Will it make you sick if i eat crackers in bed" (which, BTW, is disgusting even if you don't have celiac, I can't imagine eating in bed and getting crumbs in there in the place where one sleeps...*shudder*

Maybe if you got him a new electric or battery-operated toothbrush it would take the chore out of brushing. Yes, it's new to both of you, but it's your health, and he should be concerned.

Also, not brushing teeth before bed is nasty, either way. Nighttime is the best time for bacteria to attack the teeth, because saliva production is reduced. Perhaps if a case is made to him that it's better for HIM to brush his own teeth before bed, to keep his mouth healthy, he'd listen.

But then again, he smokes, so obviously his health is not a priority for him....sounds like he has issues that go beyond his issues with your diagnosis.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites




to be fair i only got diagnosed about a month ago. this is new for both of us.

Can you get him to come on the board and read some of the posts from folks who have been dealing with this for a while? It is hard to get used to and many have a hard time understanding just how much gluten impacts not just the body but also the mind. As you have seen we celiacs are quite supportive and protective of each other for the most part. I apologize if I came across kind of heavy handed in my original reply but this is a time when you and your loved ones should be doing all you can to keep you on the healing path. If he really cares for you he will be willing to learn and to do all he can to help you be healthy.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i dont mean to make it sound like he isnt making any effort. he is, and eats gluten free meals in the house so we can eat the same thing. he went out and bought me a new toaster and cuttingbords and is good at keeping things seperate in the kitchen. In june my local celiac association is having a meeting for newly diagnosed people and hes going to come with me. hopefully hearing information from "experts" will help him understand. i dont feel like i can "lay down the law" and declare our house gluten free and make all these rules that arent necessary at this point.

hes generally not a big kisser anyway, so maybe he dosnt see what the big deal is. i dont know. bottom line is we need to talk about it.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not going to like what I'll write but here it goes anyway...

1. If a man makes it to adualthood without developing the healthy habit of toothbrushing at bedtime, there's something seriously wrong. Toothbrushing isn't simple orl hygeine, it's a portal to preventative health care for the entire body, especially the cardiac and pulmonary systems. He's facing a lifetime of illness and deminished life quality.

2. As much as we might like to think we can, it's not our job to change others, including those in our most intimate inner circle.

3. While living gluten free may be new to both of you, if he really cared about your health and his, he'd more engaged and proactive in his own health.

All the things you've pointed out are disrespectful to you but alas, you won't change him and it most likely will simmer into resentment and sabotage. I've fallen into the trap myself that while I live a different lifestyle out of necessity, it doesn't mean I'm broken, sick, defective, etc. I can't expect the world to adapt to me, I must adapt to the world while prioritizing my needs. I deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life jsut ans much as anybody else.

You deserve better in a life partner.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My now-husband and I had been dating only a few months when I was first diagnosed, so I can understand the change that you and he are going through. I agree that you need to talk to him about how hard it is for you to make this transition without more of his support, and if he isn't willing to be more helpful afterwards, you know it's time to cut him loose. I'm sure several of us on this forum can tell you how much easier life is when you have a non-Celiac partner who has your back. The gluten-free life is too hard, and your health is too important to be invested in someone who can't make some concessions. Give it some time. Give him information and encouragement. But if he doesn't get it now, he's not going to get it. I hope things turn around for you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My now-husband and I had been dating only a few months when I was first diagnosed, so I can understand the change that you and he are going through. I agree that you need to talk to him about how hard it is for you to make this transition without more of his support, and if he isn't willing to be more helpful afterwards, you know it's time to cut him loose. I'm sure several of us on this forum can tell you how much easier life is when you have a non-Celiac partner who has your back. The gluten-free life is too hard, and your health is too important to be invested in someone who can't make some concessions. Give it some time. Give him information and encouragement. But if he doesn't get it now, he's not going to get it. I hope things turn around for you.

he really is trying. although i got diagnosed a month ago its only been maybe 2 weeks since i found out about cross contamination/gluten kissing etc. he reappy is trying and i dont feel upset about it at all anymore. i was just frusterated that night and feeling sad about everything.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I tend to agree that it's odd that he doesn't brush his teeth before going to bed, and while it's not a good sign that he whines about not eating crackers in bed, it takes some people a bit more time to adapt than others, especially if all of this is happening at once.

Tell him if he brushes his teeth, you'll make it worth his while, and then follow up with positive reinforcement.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hi all,

im frusterated and need to vent. my boyfriend (whom i live with) dosnt brush his teeth after eating gluten. even before we go to bed he dosnt brush his teeth. he does in the morning before going to work but thats before im even up so it dosnt do me any good. we litereally never kiss anymore which makes sex really weird and unromantic. i resent that he cant even do something that a normal adult should do before going to bed every night. he can't do it for himself and he can't do it for me. i honestly don't get it. he smokes too which is gross. he chews a lot of gum so maybe because his mouth is minty he thinks its clean? i dont know! he also gets whiney when i tell him he cant eat crackers or cookies in bed. we just redecorated the bedroom with new carpet and everything! even if i wasnt gluten free i wouldnt want to eat in bed.

i know we need to sit down and i need to tell him how i feel but right now he's assleep and im frusterated so i figured id vent to you guys.

thanks,

liz

Liz,

The stuff you describe sounds of two young, immature people. You say it has only been a month since your dx and two weeks since you figured out the "cross contamination" issues with kissing after he eats wheat, that is plenty of time for him to figure out what he needs to do to be safe for you. Then coming back and making excuses for him tells me that he read your post and got upset...

Bottom line: Your boyfriend should not needs loads of time to grow new feelings about you in your new dx. You should not have to worry about how he will feel or react when you ask him to stop doing something or make a change for YOUR HEALTH. Grow a backbone, Liz!! Only you can be your own advocate!!! We are here to support you, only you can stand up for yourself. gluten-free is not something you prefer, it is your new lifestyle to live!!

I agree that you need to talk to him about how hard it is for you to make this transition without more of his support, and if he isn't willing to be more helpful afterwards, you know it's time to cut him loose. I'm sure several of us on this forum can tell you how much easier life is when you have a non-Celiac partner who has your back. The gluten-free life is too hard, and your health is too important to be invested in someone who can't make some concessions

Could not have said it better myself!

You have some decisions to make for yourself that might have something to do with your current relationship, and definitely have a lot to do with how you advocate for your own health.

And if you think smoking is gross, don't wait for him to quit for you...

Very lastly: thank you for posting your "vent", you may have helped others who have partners that are not gluten-free to think of more ways to be safe!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's probably not going to change though. I would think being newly diagnosed one would be even more careful. Even though I don't have celiac and only gluten intolerance, my FI is asking all the time if there's things he can or cannot do. Soon, we'll both learn what's okay through trial and error. Honestly I would feel very hurt if he didn't do what he needed to do so he could kiss me.

I hope it gets better for you.

he really is trying. although i got diagnosed a month ago its only been maybe 2 weeks since i found out about cross contamination/gluten kissing etc. he reappy is trying and i dont feel upset about it at all anymore. i was just frusterated that night and feeling sad about everything.
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

im not making excuses for him. when i originally posted i was upset and wasnt looking at the situation clearly. now that im not upset i see that hes really trying and this is totally overwhelming for both of us.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
im not making excuses for him. when i originally posted i was upset and wasnt looking at the situation clearly. now that im not upset i see that hes really trying and this is totally overwhelming for both of us.

It is totally overwhelming and requires a lot of changes. I am glad he is turning out to be supportive and hope this increases. The beginning of the diet also often makes us a bit more emotional than we normally would be and your need to vent is understood. I hope you are feeling better soon and that things smooth out.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Princesskill,

I won't make a judgment on your boyfriend, but I do want to tell you this: I am working on 3 and 1/2 years gluten-free in a gluten-free house with (one now grown and away) daughter and a teenage son and my spousal equivalent of almost ten years brushes and flosses if he ever eats gluten (which is rare) BECAUSE- if we make love or deep kiss after he ingests gluten (he sometimes does at work and reports that to me) we are both convinced I suffer dreadfully afterwards.

The inherent and predictable bias against gluten has been eliminated by the fact that it has taken years of painstaking research into my 4 years of food/symptom logs to discover this trend. If the gluten is of the obvious, viscous sort (pasta, bread or baked goods) the correlation is blatant. It is to the point where if I know he has ingested these things I want to forego my natural inclination towards him. I cannot stress enough that this kind of cc is possible. I am suffering from the worst glutening in over a year because we made love after he had had a number of richly glutinous treats- AND, that's AFTER he carefully brushed and flossed. We cook ALL our food from scratch and know all the drills- this is the only explanation that we can remotely find.

I hope your boyfriend will prove to truly care for you and take these simple measures to insure your health and peace of mind.

Take care,

lisa

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
0

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      104,092
    • Total Posts
      920,314
  • Topics

  • Posts

    • WOW.  That looks eerily familiar.  Last December the temporary provider here at my local (rural) clinic gave me doxycycline to experiment with, but it was a mere ten milligrams.  Lol, no wonder it didn't help!  I'm glad you're feeling better.
    • I got cross contaminated some time ago & the rash came back pretty badly. I've attached a photo taken on June 11th of my back. It was also in my scalp, around my neck, on my front, shoulders, inner wrists and more.   Tonight I am not itching at all! I haven't itched all day long!!!! I can't take Dapsone because I'm allergic to sulfa drugs & Dapsone is a sulfa drug. Obviously that means I also can't take any of the other sulfa drugs that are used to treat dh after Dapsone is not an option. After those comes tetracycline. I really needed some relief! I began researching the dosage & particulars on tetracycline for dh. Extensive & exhaustive research did not pan out. The best I could find was treating Bullous phemphigoid. That said something like 500mg of tetracycline 4 times per day and about an equal amount of niacinimide. I really didn't want to take that much medication and in such strong doses. So my doctor (my PC doc) & I began experimenting. We tried Doxycycline 100mg twice a day. It seemed to be helping some but it just wasn't enough. Then we upped it to 200mg Doxycycline twice per day. It has taken about 5 days of that & I sit here not itching all day for the first time in a long, long time! This may not work for everyone. I did want to post it though as it is, at present, working for me. I am not thrilled at taking it but I have toughed this rash out before for years with no meds and I just couldn't do it again.
    • I laughed out loud at the 'little notebook' comment!😂 It has been interesting to see how much progress has actually been made over the past 10 years that there is even a notebook to be offered or a restaurant to eat in that will accommodate our 'allergy'. 10 years ago I feared that I would never eat in a restaurant again.  But the notebook comment is spot on.  Hopefully within the next 10 years restaurants will evolve enough to offer us a menu that clearly lists the delicious and extensive offerings that they have lovingly prepared just for us...and not just an ingredient list with nutritional values that take longer to read than War and Peace.   I am grateful that there are places to go that at least make the effort.  Who knows?  Eventually there may be restaurants which will have to offer menus with GLUTEN options available!
    • Thanks for posting this Adrien, it's a great list and I and others will appreciate the effort and the thought behind it. I loved my time in Malaysia and I'm glad I sampled all the food I could whilst I was still on an unrestricted diet. The good thing is that, like you say, some of the nice Malay foods are still ok. As a backpacker I survived on a lot of nasi goreng and laksa, nice to think if I return there I could still do the same Terima kasih!
    • I have posted on here before. DQ2, brother with celiac, DGP iGA was the only mildly elevated test. Was gluten-free so did 6 week challenge last winter. Negative biopsy. I am gluten-free now but do go out to eat. Prior to the challenge my health was good. Since then I have: Chest pain, pain between shoulder blades, periods of shortness of breath, heart palpitations, one instance of a heart arrythmia episode, neck is tender to touch on one side (they kept saying sinuses or TMJ which my dentist vetoed) ear ache, bowels never sink. Numbness and tingling. Blood pressure variations. Could be doing chores and feel dizzy and it might be 84/52.  not super low, but not typical for me if I'm running around the house.While other days I am mildly hypertensive. Recently lost 5 lbs in 8 days without trying. Recently electrolytes were low, alkaline phosphatese was low. Ferritin started dropping so started liquid iron 2-3 times per day 4 months ago. Primary watching that, I am not anemic but we are nowhere near iron overload either.  GI doc was a dick. Did not even know DGP replaced older tests and he was very condescending When I begged him for help recently and told me to get a second opinion which is exactly what I plan on doing.  I now have pain in my upper GI area. It is tender to touch. I had my gallbladder out in 97 along with a stone and infection in my bile duct. It hurts in this area. Pancreatic enzymes look fine, liver enzymes fine. Pancreatic ultrasound fine. I will now be doing a EUS Soon to look at bile duct, pancreas and liver.   so a typical day for me is that I might feel fine for a while and then suddenly feel like I'm going to pass out. really dizzy, numbness in odd places, like my body has been hijacked. I will typically eat a bunch of food something high protein and in about an hour or so I start to feel better. However, then my upper stomach starts to hurt in place of the passing out feeling. blood sugars are also normal. After getting the " it must be panic attacks" and condescending looks a million times my primary finally ordered an ultrasound of my sore neck and there is an abnormality in my thyroid which she says looks like possibly Hashti's. Except for one time, all my serum TSH tests were normal. We have more blood work on Monday. As I have not put on any weight and there are other symptoms that are closer to Graves.  Has anyone else had any thyroid issues that followed doing a gluten challenge?  where is your stomach pain? Do you have it above or below your belly button? Mine feels like it's in the pancreas area, like 2-3 inches above the belly button and when I push on it it's tender, but not all the time. sometimes i feel it in my back. 
  • Upcoming Events

  • Blog Entries

  • Recent Status Updates

  • Who's Online (See full list)

  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      61,123
    • Most Online
      1,763

    Newest Member
    ForeverYoung&GlutenFree
    Joined