[lolo]

In short, I have struggled with an eating disorder for about 5 years. My patterns have shifted from calorie restriction to vomiting after eating foods foods I try to avoid. Eating larger amounts of healthy foods or any amount of unhealthy food automatically makes me want to purge these calories. The "unhealthy foods" tend to be high carbohydrate foods like baked goods, macaroni and cheese, french fries, bread, etc. If that wasn't bad enough, I was diadnosed with celiac disease in September 2008. At my worst I was down to 95 lbs at 5'3". In November I entered an intensive outpatient program for eating disorders. I was able to follow a gluten-free diet and stop purging for 3 months. The combination of weight gain and a breakup caused me to revert to my old behaviors. I have gained 25 lbs. over the last 8 months. I hate the way I feel about my body and the constant obsession over food is terrible! I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to gain weight on a gluten-free diet and sometimes I don't believe I have the willpower to stick to it. It's a mind game I play with myself. A part of me wants to think that I can continue these unhealthy behaviors and that eating gluten-based foods will make me lose weight; albeit feeling weak, tired, unhappy, and like I'm living a secret life. The other half of me wants to be healthy...stick to a gluten-free diet, stop the purging behavior, and quit obsessing about food! Sorry for the long post. ANY advice, thoughts, information would be greatly appreciated!

[JesikaBeth]

Hi There

I will note lie to you, Celiac is an adjustment... It is an adjustment for me, and I am recovered from Anorexia and Bulimia (I struggled with an eating disorder for 12 years, and have been recovered for almost 4 years now.)

As for advice... My best advice is to see a dietician who is knowledgeable in eating disorders and food allergies. Also, are you in therapy?

The eating disorder is it's own issue, as is the Celiac, and although they may influence one another, they need to be addressed each for what they are.

Take care of you!

[katie may]

Hey lolo!

I hate the walk you are going through, since I can relate. I used to practically starve myself early in highschool because at 5'7" 104 lbs I thought I was fat. It was running track along with my track coach that made me realize we are blessed to have bodies that can do so much, if we help them out. You eat to live. Otherwise, you die or live like zombie. The choice is simple; which do you love more? Life or being too skinny to function & an obsession with food?

I don't know your faith status but if you are a Christian like me (though this could apply to anything else you care about or believe in), you cannot give full devotion to God (or whatever is important to you) being so weak and lethargic and foggy-headed. YOu have so much to live for, and once again, eating is apart of living and a blessing in my book! Also, there are those who have nothing to eat at all but since you have been given the opportunity to have enough and be strong, be glad and celebrate !!!

Look at it this way - there is you and an alternate you like an evil twin. The twins are in competition for food so the evil twin wants to weaken the good twin's willpower by making it feel inadequate and undesirable. It does all it can do to feed itself and starve the other. You have the choice of who to feed so which one will it be? Remember, you are the good twin. Eating gluten and foods that hurt you, as well as not eating, is food for the evil twin but by eating good food, you choose to nourish your good twin. It's kind of crazy but it's helped me so much.

You aren' t a bad person for having this problem; it's a journey that some people have to make, maybe so they can realize how important life and its abundance are. God bless you and give you strength to beat this thing! I believe in you!

[Mai]

Hi Lolo! You might just like to read this!

"In short, I have struggled with an eating disorder for about 5 years." -I had it for 15.

"My patterns have .... At my worst I was down to 95 lbs at 5'3". " Exactly the same!!!

" I entered an intensive outpatient program for eating disorders."- done it four times

"obsession over food is terrible! "- That is exactly it!!!!!!!!

And all the rest you said.

I am very inerested in sharing my journey to recovery which involved gluten, dairy, and a very though time, and also ended up in a science degree!!

Let me know if you might be interested in exchanging some more info.

Mai.

[lolo]

Thank you so much JesikaBeth, katie may, and Mai for your replies! Honestly knowing that I am not alone in this battle is helpful and encouraging. It's difficult to overcome this battle when you feel so alone and isolated. Half the time I feel crazy and out of control because I know my behaviors are not normal and I want to stop them but I can't. Other times (in moments of clarity when my mind slows down and focuses a little more) I realize that I am not the only person struggling with this, recovery is possible, and that I need to take things day by day and be gentle with myself.

I really felt like I could relate to each of you...

JesikaBeth - seeing a dietician who is knowledgable in both Celiac Disease and eating disorders is exactly what I was considering doing. I do know of one in my area. I don't know how much she can tell me that I don't already know. My problem is applying what I've been taught. I am no longer in therapy...I wasn't really connecting with the therapist I was seeing and didn't feel like I was getting much out of the experience. I know there are other therapists but I don't really want to rehash it all from the beginning.

katie may - As a Catholic I can appreciate everything you said. I do feel selfish and guilty about my relationship with food. I want God to be my priority in life...not food. I want to eat for to nourish my body. Your evil twin anology is not crazy - it makes so much sense and I often feel that way. The bad, evil twin likes to be in control. It's basically the voice of my low self-esteem and insecurities coming out...telling me I can't do anthing right, I'm scared of rejection, but feeding her (literally) wil numb those emotions temporarily. The good twin tells me that I am a good person, deserving of a healthy gluten-free diet, and capable of following it. She tells me I don't need food to deal with negative emotions. I need her voice to always be louder and stronger. Thanks for believing in me.

Mai - Thank you for relating to me! Knowing there is another person out there sharing my struggle gives me hope. It makes me feel not so alone...it gives the disease less power and control over me. I think we just might be twins! lol So you said you ended up in a science degreee...I got my bachelor's degree in biology! It sounds like we are a lot alike. And yes, I would be very interesting in hearing about your journey to recovery. I am going to send you my email address.

Thanks again!

[lolo]

Mai I tried to send you my email address but I can't...I keep getting an error message. I think it's because I haven't made enough posts yet so I'm not able to use that feature? Are you able to send me your info? I'm new to this so I don't know how to all the features/functions very well.

[JesikaBeth]

lolo,

I encourage you to give therapy another shot... I know it can be exhausting, but really, so is the eating disorder. If "rehashing" it in the therapist's office gets to you to a better place, versus "rehashing it" with food, than you owe it to yourself to try. Recovery IS well worth it, it may just take a few go-rounds until you find a treatment team that works well with you.

If you are interested in any recovery-related resources, send me a message. I have tons.

Also, that's great you are considering seeing the dietician in your area, I say go for it !
She can help address both issues, but you are right - ultimately you are the one who has to impliment them in your life.

Hang in there (( Hugs ))

[lolo]

JesikaBeth, on Aug 6 2009, 01:19 PM, said:

lolo,

I encourage you to give therapy another shot... I know it can be exhausting, but really, so is the eating disorder. If "rehashing" it in the therapist's office gets to you to a better place, versus "rehashing it" with food, than you owe it to yourself to try. Recovery IS well worth it, it may just take a few go-rounds until you find a treatment team that works well with you.

If you are interested in any recovery-related resources, send me a message. I have tons.

Also, that's great you are considering seeing the dietician in your area, I say go for it !
She can help address both issues, but you are right - ultimately you are the one who has to impliment them in your life.

Hang in there (( Hugs ))

[lolo]

JesikaBeth - I decided that I am going to make an appointment with the dietician. I don't see how it could hurt...especially if she has helpful suggestions on implenting the gluten-free diet while not purging.

Do you know how I can send you my information? I actually saw your post about not being able to use the Send Message feature. The same thing is happening to me. I don't know how to give my info to you without posting it for everyone to see.

[Mai]

lolo, on Aug 6 2009, 04:34 PM, said:

Mai I........know how to all the features/functions very well.

Hey. So glad you came back to the blog !!! Have not had a chance to look at the posts yet, and I am in the middle of my research project. Gluten, of course! And need to get my flat furnished in France ready for action... !!! Look your are really welcome to send me an e-mail, I have so much stuff, mariett-ramm@ac.cnelm.co.uk, talk later. We could work something out for you, I will scare you though:dieticians have not a clue what-so-ever!!Non. I saw one and ended up worse than ever, they just have no time to keep up with up-to-date research, it is so much going on trying to establish links, and they do not even consider genetics and other elements! Crazy. That is the reason like we and probably so many other guys who suffer from these same issues, we just have to turn DIY. That was the reason I wanted to learn about the body, how it works and so on....Best thing ever happend to me. This may well be very useful for you! But just as other guys said, the road is very difficult, and it is the withdrawal, you know functional testing may be helpful to get clear which pathway is not functioning for you that may be helped with supplements to minimise withdrawal. Plus you also have metabolic issue- the weight as well correcting you comunication signals- I mean thecravings and all that comes with that. What goes on in the brain is just amazing, and so complicated. Send me an e-mail, and talk more......Take care.Mai x

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[Mai]

JesikaBeth, on Aug 6 2009, 06:19 PM, said:

lolo,

I encourage .....who has to impliment them in your life.

Hi Jessica,

Have just sent a post to Lolo, just spotted on your profile you are ADHD as well as me!!!. I am just so interested in the genetics behind obsessions, OCD (obsessive compusive disorder) and all co-morbidities like bulimia etc. On my fatehr side I have a line of addicts- gambling, bing-eating-alcoholism-obsessive cleaning- sexual promictuity. And probably a lot more I do not know about. My mother side, I have the "depression gene", couple of suicides, mood related disorders, bi-polars. What a gang!!! Would you like to share yours with me, I am sure you may also have a very interesting family!:-) you can use my private e-mail if you want.
Mai xx

[Mai]

lolo, on Aug 6 2009, 08:47 PM, said:

JesikaBeth - I decided that....it for everyone to see.

Hi Lolo and JesikaBeth,
Sorry JesikaBeth, I might have got your name down wrong on my previous post, pls forgive me. There must be something up with the communication system within the site. My e-mail is mariett-ramm@ac.cnelm.co.uk Feel free to contact, would be lovely to speak more.Maixx