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Feeling Pissy


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26 replies to this topic

#16 momxyz

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 01:09 PM

Elizabeth, been thinking about what you said.... and I reached two conclusions.

1. I understand about your hubby not wanting to between his daughter and his wife. that really is different than my husband standing up to his parents.

2. Your sign is not going to do anything .....

The sign is just another little boundary that she will only get more satisfaction from pushing back on. This will just be another opportunity to exert her power, push your buttons, and make you upset to her satisfaction.

You said yourself - she is all about exerting power and crossing boundaries. She won't stop until you stand up to her and firmly tell her how things are going to be in YOUR kitchen.

There's room for only one alpha b**** in your home, and that should be you. If you establish yourself as a stronger figure in her eyes, she may eventually stop the behaviour, especially if you consistently reinforce the way its going to be.

There's a time to be nice..... and there's a time to be not-so-nice. I believe that to resolve this you are going to have to confront her. And tell her very firmly the way things are going to be from now on.

"I don't think you understand that the rules in my kitchen are necessary for my health. Whether you care to understand gluten sensitivity, whether you choose to believe that this is a real issue and not just something in my head, I don't really care. This is my house, I live here, you do not. You will respect MY guidelines for using MY kitchen, whether I am present or not."
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#17 ranger

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 02:10 PM

... before cooking in my kitchen?

My (adult) step-daughter is here (because we have AC and she doesn't and it's really hot out). I just entered the kitchen just in time to see her putting frozen chicken breasts in my iron skillet.

I grabbed the bag from her, and sure enough, the glaze on the chicken breasts has wheat in it.

I dumped the chicken breasts in a nearby aluminum-type pot and went to scrub my skillet. I told her iron is porous and that wheat sticks in it, so "please don't use my iron skillets."

The chicken was only in there probably under a minute, and my guess is that no real harm was done, but I'm still pissed about it. She should know better.

So, now I'm hiding in my room to avoid being rude to her face. I would rather be in my kitchen cooking dinner, but now I have to wait until she's done and I get to sit here and smell HER dinner cooking while I wait. Yet I also feel like I ought to go monitor my kitchen to see what else she's going to contaminate with food she brought over.

It's not like I don't have plenty of good food here (including frozen chicken breasts that don't happen to include wheat). Why does she even feel the need to bring stuff over? Grr.

Thanks for letting me vent.



Oh my. This does look like a power struggle. I want to thank you before I put my two cents in. I'm 63, have cooked in restaurants for years, have been on th gluten-free diet for 8 months and did not know till reading this topic not to cook in the old cast iron skillet that I used to make glutteny corn bread in! You cannot assume people know this stuff unless you tell them. Having said that, here's me 2 cents. I agree not to put husband in position of being in the middle. You have to inform her of ALL the kitchen rules and, no matter what she thinks of celiacs, YOUR HEALTH COMES FIRST. It is your house and she has to abide by your rules.. It' not a matter of choice. If she knows the rules, and continues to defy you, then forbid her from bringing any food into the house. Period. But communicate first. There's nothing worse than an estranged family. I am a peacemaker, but no one brings gluten into my house. I hope you two can work this out in a way that keeps you safe and your family sane. And, I'm no longer using my beloved cast-iron skillet. I feel like having a funeral for it and burying it in the rock garden (so it's not near my vege garden) Good luck.
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#18 momxyz

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 02:53 PM

ranger, I agree, there is nothing so sad as an estranged family and Elizabeth does need to communicate first - in a polite but very direct manner with her SD.

Sometimes, with people who like to exert their position or power on others, the only thing they will respect is a strong stance or even a bit of a push back. I am suspecting that is the case here. If Elizabeth stands up to this SD, and politely but firmly states the rules for HER kitchen, there is a risk that SD will react and there will be a bit of a family brou ha ha. (that is after all, just another way of exerting her power.) But if Elizabeth sticks to her guns all the while maintaining civility and lines of communication, it will pass, and greater respect on all sides will exist afterwards.

That's what happened in my case. If my family brou ha ha had not occurred, I firmly believe that I would have continued to be needled to this day.

and I have an idea for your beloved skillet! Don't bury it - put it in your rock garden! A friend of mine made a very charming hens and chickens garden in a bird bath that was cracked and no longer could hold water. I bet you could do that with your skillet!
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#19 psawyer

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 03:11 PM

From another recent thread, here is a protocol I have seen several times for rehabilitating cast iron which has been in contact with gluten. It uses a self-cleaning oven.

Cast iron:
Turn off smoke alarms.
Open windows.
Turn on fans.
Put clean cast iron in oven.
Set oven cycle to clean.
Burn off residue on pans.
Scrub pans out and reseason.
Turn smoke alarms back on.


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Peter
Diagnosis by biopsy of practically non-existent villi; gluten-free since July 2000.
Type 1 (autoimmune) diabetes diagnosed in March 1986
Markham, Ontario (borders on Toronto)

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#20 brigala

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 04:49 PM

Thanks again, everyone. I know I'll have to have a talk to her. I couldn't do it right away because I couldn't be civil about it. I know the sign won't solve the problem, but she's passive-aggressive enough about the issues that it might actually help a little. She hides behind "I didn't know" when she talks to her dad about it, and that will be harder for her to do after she's not only been talked to but had a sign posted. It also can help with other, less frequent visitors to the house who honestly mean well but don't know how I need things to be.

I showed my new sign to my husband and he strongly approved. He knows his daughter is like this, and although she has a special place in her heart for disliking me, he says she's always been more or less like this with everyone (I won't even get started on examples of this same attitude I've seen in her mother because that's a whole different topic).

There is no point in getting super nasty with her, but if I have to calmly and politely ban her from my kitchen or even my house, I will.

-Elizabeth
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gluten-free since mid-2007.
Symptoms: "IBS," chronic fatigue, chronic pain. 

Celiac is a family affair for us; my mom, sister, and one of my sons are gluten free. At least it makes holiday gatherings easier. 


#21 momxyz

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:24 PM

Elizabeth, you go girl! Be strong. You will find the right way to handle this.
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#22 bakingbarb

 
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Posted 01 August 2009 - 08:58 PM

Oh Elizabeth, I understand exactly. Ours is a blended family and it is purely a power struggle. It seems to be daddy's little girl that does this type of behavior. I don't feel its right though for the dad to not speak to her about this. He has to back you and she needs to see that.
I deal with a similar situation btw.
Good luck either way.



Thanks again, everyone. I know I'll have to have a talk to her. I couldn't do it right away because I couldn't be civil about it. I know the sign won't solve the problem, but she's passive-aggressive enough about the issues that it might actually help a little. She hides behind "I didn't know" when she talks to her dad about it, and that will be harder for her to do after she's not only been talked to but had a sign posted. It also can help with other, less frequent visitors to the house who honestly mean well but don't know how I need things to be.

I showed my new sign to my husband and he strongly approved. He knows his daughter is like this, and although she has a special place in her heart for disliking me, he says she's always been more or less like this with everyone (I won't even get started on examples of this same attitude I've seen in her mother because that's a whole different topic).

There is no point in getting super nasty with her, but if I have to calmly and politely ban her from my kitchen or even my house, I will.

-Elizabeth


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#23 ranger

 
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Posted 02 August 2009 - 07:07 AM

ranger, I agree, there is nothing so sad as an estranged family and Elizabeth does need to communicate first - in a polite but very direct manner with her SD.

Sometimes, with people who like to exert their position or power on others, the only thing they will respect is a strong stance or even a bit of a push back. I am suspecting that is the case here. If Elizabeth stands up to this SD, and politely but firmly states the rules for HER kitchen, there is a risk that SD will react and there will be a bit of a family brou ha ha. (that is after all, just another way of exerting her power.) But if Elizabeth sticks to her guns all the while maintaining civility and lines of communication, it will pass, and greater respect on all sides will exist afterwards.

That's what happened in my case. If my family brou ha ha had not occurred, I firmly believe that I would have continued to be needled to this day.

and I have an idea for your beloved skillet! Don't bury it - put it in your rock garden! A friend of mine made a very charming hens and chickens garden in a bird bath that was cracked and no longer could hold water. I bet you could do that with your skillet!


Great idea! I've got other metal things in ther. Thanks
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#24 debmidge

 
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Posted 02 August 2009 - 09:50 AM

You guys are all so much nicer than me. I probably would've changed the locks. :ph34r:



I agree. "once" is a mistake, again is deliberate and against house rules. She's more than an adult, she's a middle-aged woman who should respect her father's and your home and rules. I wouldn't even go to my mother's house and start cooking and she's my mother.
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Husband has Celiac Disease and
Husband misdiagnosed for 27 yrs -
The misdiagnosis was: IBS or colitis
Mis-diagnosed from 1977 to 2003 by various gastros including one of the largest,
most prestigious medical groups in northern NJ which constantly advertises themselves as
being the "best." This GI told him it was "all in his head."
Serious Depressive state ensued
Finally Diagnosed with celiac disease in 2003
Other food sensitivities: almost all fruits, vegetables, spices, eggs, nuts, yeast, fried foods, roughage, soy.
Needs to gain back at least 25 lbs. of the 40 lbs pounds he lost - lost a great amout of body fat and muscle
Developed neuropathy in 2005
Now has lymphadema 2006
It is my opinion that his subsequent disorders could have been avoided had he been diagnosed sooner by any of the dozen or so doctors he saw between 1977 to 2003

#25 PattyBoots

 
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Posted 05 August 2009 - 06:13 PM

If she's 36, that ain't "Daddy's little girl". That's "Daddy's little b*tch".

I'm a firm believer in the mantra a very wise man said, "Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind."

Stand your ground and tell her that if she's not going to respect you and the way you keep house, she can just go sweat herself to death somewhere else because YOU'RE the one doing her a favor, not the other way around. If she gets huffy and leaves, that's HER problem.
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#26 brigala

 
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Posted 06 August 2009 - 12:49 PM

Yup. I agree.
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gluten-free since mid-2007.
Symptoms: "IBS," chronic fatigue, chronic pain. 

Celiac is a family affair for us; my mom, sister, and one of my sons are gluten free. At least it makes holiday gatherings easier. 


#27 Gemini

 
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Posted 06 August 2009 - 07:58 PM

You guys are all so much nicer than me. I probably would've changed the locks. :ph34r:


LOL!!!! :lol: I couldn't agree with you more! You know why this young woman did what she did? Because people tolerate the behavior
and now you've trained them how to treat you. It all depends upon the circumstances but it sounds like the step-daughter needs a kick in the pants and a lesson in respecting other people's gluten free space! ;)
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