24 replies to this topic

[ryebaby0]

I know it's going to seem non-supportive, but my DH is driving me nuts. I spend every Sunday afternoon making gluten-free food, what seems like tons of time educating myself about what is and isn't gluten-free, and it's all neatly labelled in our re-arranged kitchen (our son is celiac disease too) and this weekend he went to visit his parents and he comes back telling me how they "don't understand" because when he read labels it all had artificial flavors, or coloring, or food starch, and he "knows" that I told him that ALL things with those ingredients are not gluten-free so he couldn't eat anything. Why didn't you call? I said. Why didn't you look it up? Why don't you know?

Wouldn't you think a grown man would take it upon himself to learn what he can and cannot eat -- and attempt to remember it? He was dx after our son, with a positive tTg and positive dietary change. He swears he would never go back, he feels so much better. But he seems perpetually confused/disinterested and I am now threatening to not enable this behavior anymore (for lack of a better term). We have references handy in the kitchen. My 11 year old knows exactly what he can and cannot eat (although DH often is contesting our son's accuracy -- and is almost always the one who is wrong) I feel like I'm working so hard on this, and he's just not trying. It's been 8 months for DH, 18 for my son....

[nikki-uk]

I sympathise with you,my husband was dx 8 months ago.Previous to this my husband had NEVER thought about what he was eating.He's always been skinny(probably due to undiagnosed celiac disease) and so ate what he wanted.
Whereas, I think women tend to put more thought into what they eat,and what they serve their kids,trying to acheive a healthy balanced diet.I know I'm used to denying myself certain foods to keep my weight steady-not the same as celiac disease i know-but I definitely am more on the ball regarding dietry issues.
In the beginning of the gluten-free diet,my hubbie didn't eat anything I hadn't checked,but now he's quite good at spotting the no-no's.
At the end of the day,if your dh will insist on eating gluten,maybe you should point out to him that it is not only him that suffers-it has a knock on effect for the whole family(i.e-you can't go out on a family trip etc 'cos he's glutened himself and is in bed etc..)
You can only try your best,but he must understand that it also sends out the wrong message to your son-(that a little won't hurt) 'cos it will!!
Good luck!(why are men so stubborn!)

[lovegrov]

Not all men are like that. My wife took care of me when I was extremely ill from untreated celiac disease, but as soon as I had the energy (for a time I couldn't even carry on a hpone conversation) I was on the computer and calling companies. I now do the vast majority of the cooking and meal planning.

richard

[kabowman]

I find that some people, not just men (they do happen to be in the majority on this though), are that way.

My husband, when he had to have a wisdom tooth pulled, refused to read the dentist instructions about what to do until I came home from work at the end of the day to tell him what he is supposed to be doing.

HOWEVER, when it comes to my health, he is really careful and usually on top of things, once he saw how sick I get from the accidental contaminations. Our new grill is strictly clean - meaning only food that is safe for me will go on the grill. Since I cannot have condiments, that means the rest of the family goes without normal BBQ. I am pleased because I know I can eat grilled food w/o contaminiation but it was his idea.

Boys, what can you do...

[lovegrov]

"Since I cannot have condiments, that means the rest of the family goes without normal BBQ. "

All of you should be able to have BBQ, just don't put any sauce on it until after it's cooked, which is how I do it anyway. Put together a dry rub (there are many recipes out there but it's generally made from pure spices and herbs) and coat your ribs, Boston butt, or whatever with it. Wrap it in plastic and refrigerate overnight. Then cook it over low, indirect heat ( a smoker is actually best but you can do it on a grill). Even if you can't use sauce you get a spicy, smoky meat that's delicious.

richard

[kabowman]

I just started reading and developing my own rubs and salts - they have made a WORLD of difference - thanks.

If you have any you would care to share, I would really appreciate (family uses BBQ sauce at table now, husband used to use it during cooking).

[ianm]

I think women tend to put more thought into what they eat,

I'm not so sure about that one. Most, but not all, of the women I know eat nothing but processed junk food and don't exercise. Most, but not all, of the men I know eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. My ex would hardly ever eat anything that even contained one natural ingredient in it. Maybe I just live in an area where everything is the opposite from everywhere else.

[skbird]

I thought men only ate Carl's Junior's food, or starved. What part of the world do you live in, Ianm?

To be fair, where I work, everyone (except me) lives off the food at the quickee mart at the gas station across the street. So everyone eats crappy food. My husband has a decent diet and knows how to cook, including cook for me, which is cool. I also love to cook so we trade off often. My dad eats the obvious bad food and my mom eats the not-so-obvious stuff. The only friends I have who have "healthy diets" or are conscious of their diets (IE vegetarians) still drink a ton of alcohol and smoke cigarettes.

I'd say the biggest generalization I feel comfortable making is anyone I know who eats the majority of their food out of crinkly bags and drinks out of aluminum cans are also the heaviest people I know. I'll bet if we got rid of those things, the world would be a slimmer place.



Stephanie

[connole1056]

I think there may be a few problems here:
1-Following the diet might seem overwhelming.It is alot to take in and you have to keep yourself up to date because those food labels are always changing!
2-He may simply not care.
3-He could have decided he does not need to do any of the work because someone else is doing it for him.
Sometimes people need to make the decision to go gluten-free themselves. It is like the saying "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." How about this? Americans are very overweight. Most know that less food and more exercise will lead to weight loss, but that does not seem to be helping too many does it? With the weight loss industry taking in more money than ever one would think America would be the skinniest nation in the world. It is not. When someone decides he wants to lose weight, he will. And when someone deicdes he wants to follow a gluten-free diet, he will. Lifestyle changes are hard to make. It takes some people a little longer to get on board. Since you cannot force an adult to eat gluten-free food, you might try ignoring the situation. I know it is very hard because I am in a similar situation with my husband. He has extremely high cholesterol but takes his meds only intermittenly and eats poorly. I worry about him, but I know I cannot make him do what he is suppossed to do to keep his cholesterol down. It has to come from him.

[ianm]

Stephanie, I live in Michigan, one of the fattest states in the US. I can't count the number of vegetarians who have told me meat is bad for me while lighting up their second pack of the day.

[cdford]

Is it possible that your family has done what many families do without thinking about it...delegated certain responsibilities to each family member and you got the "food caretaker, instruction enforcer" role? Because I tend to be the reader/researcher in my household and am also medical term savvy, that role fell to me by default. Other family members learn just enough not to appear ignorant, then turn to me for anything else. My daughter is beginning to take on some of that role since she had to be the one to go with her dad to buy groceries during those months I was so sick.

It is not that my spouse doesn't care, he does. If I let him know something is off limits, he stands his ground and makes sure it stays out of the house. He is just not an instruction reader. He is certainly not a researcher (unless it happens to be about some new engine or vehicle he is interested in). If I print off an article for him to read, he wants a quick synopsis instead. This may also have to do with his ADHD, but I think it is also a personality trait. He also becomes frustrated quickly with looking things up in the book I keep.

Don't be an enabler, but do stand your ground as the resource of record in your household. Encourage your son to continue to learn since you will not always be right by his side. You may be able to avoid some of the disagreements by having your son share his newly shared knowledge unobtrusively at the dinner table or some other shared situation. If the two of you are discussing it, your spouse will hear it as well.

[ryebaby0]

Well, in DH's defense, he's always had the best eating habits of anyone I know, and more self-discipline than Gandhi! He isn't giving our son a "just a little won't hurt" model, quite the opposite; it's a "everything could be bad" model.
Reading over the posts (thank you all!) I think maybe I am actually feeling guilty about all the things he really can't eat, and when he just chooses to forego things he CAN (in error) I feel even worse. For him, it's no big deal. For me (the emotional eater) it seems like unneccessary denial. And I worry that he'll starve himself this way.
We've told our son from the start that he's not some sort of food martyr and doesn't get a pity party, but I maybe need to apply that more to my big guy too. And of course, you are all right -- he's a grown-up, and has to find his way.
I do think that we have divided up the family roles, and I have always been the one in charge of food so it seemed obvious that I would be the Gluten Queen as well---but perhaps that needs to change.