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Spouse Is Nonsupportive


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29 replies to this topic

#16 Kate79

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 09:46 AM

HeyTeacher,

I am a bit in the same situation than you and I wonder if there is anyone here who could share about how supportive their husband/wife are? I am questionning myself right now on what I should expect from my spouse, like what would be a'normal' level of attention from him regarding this matter? Any concrete examples of support?

Personnally, I would need some help with the cooking. I feel right now it is overwhelming to cook new recipies all the time and look for gluten free ingredients at the store, or supply with alternative ingredients. I am reallly doing my best to making it a project, but sometimes lack motivation. I would like him to take over sometimes and of course to feel like I am not inventing all of this to grab attention.

Any role model here to share?


I don't know how supportive the 'average' spouse would be, but my husband has noticed such a huge change in me since I went gluten free that he's almost more strict about it than I am. He usually eats gluten free with me (even at restaurants) and we bring very little gluten into the house. It's just easier that way.

He does most of the cooking (which was the case before going gluten free) so he makes a lot of Indian & Mexican recipes, which are generally gluten free. Or we have fish or meat with steamed vegetables quite a lot - or, in the winter, chile & stews are easy. It doesn't have to be expensive.

I think the main reason he's so supportive is that, frankly, I'm much much much more pleasant to be around when I'm off gluten. In addition to the migraines & stomach issues, I have crazy emotional responses to gluten - and who wouldn't rather have a normal wife than a crazy one? lol.
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#17 GlutenFreeManna

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 09:53 AM

That tatic is DISGUSTING, and will probably backfire. And can by very dangerous to try if you have animals in the house and or small children. All of the 3 dogs I have had and two out of three cats drank/played in the toilet water. Leaving poop in it could make them very very sick. And I for one get very annoyed and upset when people forget to flush the toilet, especially if the person was an adult who should know better. If he feels the same way I do, you are putting more strain on your relationship and he might be even less willing to accept there is a problem since doing so is very passive agressive.
There are better ways to it is across that you are sick. Like, asking if he could buy more imodium, or kaopectate often. Or just actually talking to him about it and how his lack of support is making you feel. Then make an appt with the dr and talk to the dr about your symptoms. Whether or not he likes it doesn't really matter. As you are an adult and don't need his permission to go to the dr for a consultation.


I think the OP got my point just fine. My point was not to be disgusting or play passive agressive games but to be REAL and honest about what is happening. Obviously her just TELLING her husband how she is feeling is not working. He needs to SEE that she is really sick as well. Women especially like to play the martyr and push through their pain and sickness. We like to try to be superwomen and do it all even when sick, but when it comes to our health we need to not wait to make changes or see a dr. A husband who loves her will not expect her to stay sick and not go to the dr because he thinks "she just needs more kaopectate" to get through the day. If her being sick (notice I didn't say her "playing sick", she really IS sick but she's pretending she's not and pushing through), anyway if her BEING sick ruins their relationship then their relationship is not very strong to begin with. As far as "needing his permission"--no she doesn't but she will need his support if she plans to go gluten free successfully. Also you know nothing about their money situation. Some women don't work outside of the house and can't just go spending money on dr's appointments without her husband knowing about it. Spending money on dr's when they haven't agreed upon it could cause more strain on their relationship too.
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A simple meal with love is better than a feast where there is hatred. Proverbs 15:17 (CEV)

#18 beebs

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 06:32 PM

That tatic is DISGUSTING, and will probably backfire. And can by very dangerous to try if you have animals in the house and or small children. All of the 3 dogs I have had and two out of three cats drank/played in the toilet water. Leaving poop in it could make them very very sick. And I for one get very annoyed and upset when people forget to flush the toilet, especially if the person was an adult who should know better. If he feels the same way I do, you are putting more strain on your relationship and he might be even less willing to accept there is a problem since doing so is very passive agressive.
There are better ways to it is across that you are sick. Like, asking if he could buy more imodium, or kaopectate often. Or just actually talking to him about it and how his lack of support is making you feel. Then make an appt with the dr and talk to the dr about your symptoms. Whether or not he likes it doesn't really matter. As you are an adult and don't need his permission to go to the dr for a consultation.


I am very sorry- but if someones kids are playing in the toilet then I am afraid that is far more disgusting. You let your pets drink toilet water?? Wow. Thats all I have to say to that. :o
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#19 heyteacher

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 06:40 PM

I started out telling my husband all of my symptoms, appointments, tests, on and on and on. Over the years, he has become less and less involved (never was very involved) and basically takes the route of ignoring the situation. Of course it's not happening to him so it's easy to ignore when I continue to try and keep doing my job away from home, as well as my job @ home and with the kids, house, ect. But....I am just getting to the point that I can't keep going like the Energizer Bunny. I am t.i.r.e.d and grouchy, and sick.

I think we have a good marriage. But....we have 4 kids, 3 very busy kids and one with special needs. The one with special needs can't eat by mouth. He is a pricey one :rolleyes: costs about $1,500.00 a month just to feed him. I am not complaining, it's just a fact and something we have to plan for as a monthly expense just like we do our house payment.

While I don't make a habit of leaving my house/bathroom is a state of disarray it just might work with him. I apologize if this seem "gross" of "unhealthy" the way I see it desperate times call for desperate measures. If I ask him to get some type of medication he would think that medication would make me feel better and on we go with our evening plans. He has not health problems and doesn't get it when others do, it's not just me. My kids, his extended family, he thinks everyone should be able to take a tylenol and feel better, after all that's what he does, works for him right??

Again, I appreciate all of your helpful suggestions. I did approach him about going back to my doc for testing, he was not "a fan" of my suggestion at least not now. I can't just go behind his back and run up a dr bill for testing. How would I feel if he did that and then we had hundreds of dollars to pay off, well probably not very good. Maybe for now I will go gluten free with the natural foods that were mentioned fruits, veggies, meats and just see how I feel.I don't know it doesn't give me any diagnosis that might help him, but I don't see that happening. Soooooooo, try plan B, or C B)

Thanks so much for letting me bend your ears AGAIN!! I just get started and out it all comes, forgive my ramblings. It does help to get things "out"
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#20 beebs

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Posted 04 October 2011 - 07:16 PM

Just be aware that some people after going gluten free just to see, get such severe reactions to eating gluten and end up too sick to do a gluten challenge and so remain undiagnosed. Just something to keep in mind!
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#21 sariesue

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Posted 05 October 2011 - 06:34 AM

I think the OP got my point just fine. My point was not to be disgusting or play passive agressive games but to be REAL and honest about what is happening. Obviously her just TELLING her husband how she is feeling is not working. He needs to SEE that she is really sick as well. Women especially like to play the martyr and push through their pain and sickness. We like to try to be superwomen and do it all even when sick, but when it comes to our health we need to not wait to make changes or see a dr. A husband who loves her will not expect her to stay sick and not go to the dr because he thinks "she just needs more kaopectate" to get through the day. If her being sick (notice I didn't say her "playing sick", she really IS sick but she's pretending she's not and pushing through), anyway if her BEING sick ruins their relationship then their relationship is not very strong to begin with. As far as "needing his permission"--no she doesn't but she will need his support if she plans to go gluten free successfully. Also you know nothing about their money situation. Some women don't work outside of the house and can't just go spending money on dr's appointments without her husband knowing about it. Spending money on dr's when they haven't agreed upon it could cause more strain on their relationship too.


I have never seen a copay from an insurance company costing more than 100$ for a PCP visit. In fact most are much less, mine are 15$. Unless you don't have health insurance which is another problem all together. And she never said that money was an issue preventing her from seeing a dr. Second, if your husband is controlling all of the finances soo tightly that she doesn't have access to money for ONE copay and is forbidding her from going to the dr, then you are getting into the territory of abuse. Plus, she has never said that her husband is forbidding her from going to the dr just that he isn't a fan. My husband isn't a fan of the fact that I take ambien every night to sleep, however I continue to take it because it is needed. There is a difference between not being a fan and saying no. If her husband said no more drs or tests my advice would be different. However, since not being a fan really means that he isn't supportive or encouraging her to see a dr, I see no problem with her going to the dr for a consultation. For tests with bigger out of pocket expenses like the endoscopy you would want to discuss it with them. Especially since in order to be accurately tested for celiac you have to be eating gluten for months prior to the test. So if she goes gluten-free now she has just lost any chance of getting a dx. Maybe I grew up in a strange household, but my parents NEVER had to get permission from each other to go to the dr when they were sick and that is the way that my husband and I have arranged it too.
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#22 sariesue

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Posted 05 October 2011 - 06:41 AM

I am very sorry- but if someones kids are playing in the toilet then I am afraid that is far more disgusting. You let your pets drink toilet water?? Wow. Thats all I have to say to that. :o


Young children do alot of things that are disgusting because they don't know better. My family does not let the animals drink from the toilet. We actually have to keep the door shut tight to keep them out. But, sometimes they find a way it, usually when we have had guests or if the door didn't get shut all the way. Plus, dogs in general are attracted to poo. Some dogs roll in it other dogs like to eat it. So a new smell might attract a dog who doesn't drink from the toilet to try it. It was also to point out the possible dangers of purposefully leaving feces in the toilet just to prove a point.
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#23 GlutenFreeManna

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Posted 05 October 2011 - 08:57 AM

I have never seen a copay from an insurance company costing more than 100$ for a PCP visit. In fact most are much less, mine are 15$. Unless you don't have health insurance which is another problem all together. And she never said that money was an issue preventing her from seeing a dr. Second, if your husband is controlling all of the finances soo tightly that she doesn't have access to money for ONE copay and is forbidding her from going to the dr, then you are getting into the territory of abuse. Plus, she has never said that her husband is forbidding her from going to the dr just that he isn't a fan. My husband isn't a fan of the fact that I take ambien every night to sleep, however I continue to take it because it is needed. There is a difference between not being a fan and saying no. If her husband said no more drs or tests my advice would be different. However, since not being a fan really means that he isn't supportive or encouraging her to see a dr, I see no problem with her going to the dr for a consultation. For tests with bigger out of pocket expenses like the endoscopy you would want to discuss it with them. Especially since in order to be accurately tested for celiac you have to be eating gluten for months prior to the test. So if she goes gluten-free now she has just lost any chance of getting a dx. Maybe I grew up in a strange household, but my parents NEVER had to get permission from each other to go to the dr when they were sick and that is the way that my husband and I have arranged it too.


Actually, she said in her very first post that money was the reason her husband didn't like her going to the dr a lot. She also shared that she has a special needs child that costs them $1500 a month in medical bills. Even if her husband was super supportive of her getting tested she's bound to feel guilty about it because that's human nature when you are strained financially and physically and trying to be supermom. I'm not going to argue about this anymore though. I just want the OP, heyteacher to know that it is OKAY to do what she needs to do to get her husband on the same page as her in regards to taking care of her medical needs. Again, it's NOT about PERMISSION, it's about SUPPORT or blessing or mutual understanding whatever you want to call it. She will need his help in order to make the change to gluten-free if that's what turns out to be the issue.

Heyteacher, please update us if you go to the dr and find anything out. :)
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A simple meal with love is better than a feast where there is hatred. Proverbs 15:17 (CEV)

#24 Monael

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Posted 05 October 2011 - 06:30 PM

As other posters have mentioned, gluten free eating can be inexpensive, especially if you don't try to replace the gluten containing items with gluten free options (like bread). Potatoes are very inexpensive. Same with rice. Corn tortillas are too, and you can use them for tacos, enchiladas, tostadas and just on the side. Instead of cookies and cakes, serve ice cream, pudding, etc. At first I was stumped with the gluten free thing, but now it has become easier. THe only thing gluteny I buy now is bread, because my son can make himself a sandwich. And a few microwavable items that he can prepare himself as well. I found a few gluten free flours on sale/clearance so I can make the occasional pancake or birthday cake, but overall I have found that it is not any more expensive unless I try to buy prepared packaged foods to replace gluteny items. Now I do buy the occasional gluten free packaged item but it is a treat, and not a staple. The funny thing is that my son really hasn't noticed :) But he does go have pizza with his friends so that helps!

As for the husband. I have had a LOT of intestinal issues-diarrhea, gas, having to run to the bathroom... when I went gluten free, my boyfriend and I discussed it because we eat a lot together. He became very supportive because he noticed that my bathroom issues were so much better. Now I have a small apartment, so it was kind of obvious when I had to run to the bathroom and the walls are thin! We joked about it because now things are much quieter :) So perhaps your husband will notice the difference once you start cooking inexpensive gluten free foods. Start with steak, potatoes and a nice salad! You can't go wrong with that one :)
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#25 Ollie's Mom

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Posted 06 October 2011 - 06:03 PM

That tatic is DISGUSTING, and will probably backfire. And can by very dangerous to try if you have animals in the house and or small children. All of the 3 dogs I have had and two out of three cats drank/played in the toilet water. Leaving poop in it could make them very very sick. And I for one get very annoyed and upset when people forget to flush the toilet, especially if the person was an adult who should know better. If he feels the same way I do, you are putting more strain on your relationship and he might be even less willing to accept there is a problem since doing so is very passive agressive.
There are better ways to it is across that you are sick. Like, asking if he could buy more imodium, or kaopectate often. Or just actually talking to him about it and how his lack of support is making you feel. Then make an appt with the dr and talk to the dr about your symptoms. Whether or not he likes it doesn't really matter. As you are an adult and don't need his permission to go to the dr for a consultation.


I completely disagree. I think she should go one step further and actively show her husband her BMs each and every time she has one so that he can see the frequency and actually see how screwed and (likely) smelly they are.

It's one thing to SAY to someone "I have to run to the bathroom every time I eat" - it's another for someone to actually SEE it happen.

This reminds me of when I'd tell people that I used to get awful migraines and throw up for hours. They all thought I was exaggerating - I mean, how could you throw up almost constantly for hours? It wasn't until my husband (fiance at the time) told them, "No, you don't understand. She curls up on the floor of the bathroom so that when she needs to throw up - which happens every 20 minutes for 12 hours straight - she doesn't have to go too far." Then they were like, "Really?? She gets THAT sick??"

Sure, it was gross for my husband to hold my hair and get splashed with my puke, but he did it and he understood how sick I was. And so, he did not think I was lying when I'd tell him food would pass through me within an hour or two and would look exactly like it did when it was on my plate. If he had thought I was exaggerating, I would have taken him into the bathroom and shown him.

We all need to get over this fear of poop and other bodily functions. Her husband doesn't believe her - well, seeing is believing. I say go for it.
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#26 heyteacher

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Posted 07 October 2011 - 10:21 AM

Ollie's Mom---you made me smile :rolleyes: Thanks for your reply!


Maybe I should apologize for my post causing some feathers to get ruffled. Maybe I shouldn't have given info regarding my husband, I should have kept it about me and my issues.

I don't need his permission to go see a Dr. That being said, I can't hide the fact that I went to the Dr either. We are limited, actually quite limited financially. I am sure there are plenty of people who are members of this group who can identify with that. I am not suggesting that I am "special" when it comes to finances. We (my hubs and I)are very conservative when it comes to spending.

I want to say thanks again for all of your wonderful suggestions. We have had a good conversation about my "issues" without fighting, so that is progress. I don't know if I would had as much success without reading your supportive comments/replies. He still does not think a Dr appointment is in order, but we did have a good discussion.

I have never posted a question on a forum/discussion group so I'm not sure exactly what you consider appropriate/applicable to your discussions about celiac disease. Maybe I should have left the husband out of it? Anywhoo---I appreciate your support, this is the first time I have experienced any support (regarding by health) in a long time. :D
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#27 kitgordon

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Posted 07 October 2011 - 11:37 AM

HeyTeacher - you don't owe anyone an apology! There was absolutely NOTHING inappropriate in your post, and you are not responsible when people disagree with each other's advice to you. It's fine to mention your husband's lack of support; we get a lot of similar posts.

I think you should tell your husband you absolutely need his support in either going to a doctor, or implementing a strict gluten-free diet - one or the other. Use the "in sickness and in health" line. And in the meantime, if you are too sick to function... DON'T! Let the kids miss some activities, let him pick up some slack in whatever your responsibilities are - let him SEE how ill you are. As long as you suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and he is not inconvenienced by your illness, he is going to maintain the status quo because it is comfortable for him. Don't let anyone maintain their comfort at the cost of your own health. Good luck!
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#28 ravenwoodglass

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Posted 07 October 2011 - 12:51 PM

HeyTeacher - you don't owe anyone an apology! There was absolutely NOTHING inappropriate in your post, and you are not responsible when people disagree with each other's advice to you. It's fine to mention your husband's lack of support; we get a lot of similar posts.

This was very well said. Heyteacher do feel free to post whatever you need to post and ask any questions you need to. This is a great place to vent or to ask for or give advice. You did nothing wrong.
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Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying
"I will try again tommorrow" (Mary Anne Radmacher)


celiac 49 years - Misdiagnosed for 45
Blood tested and repeatedly negative
Diagnosed by Allergist with elimination diet and diagnosis confirmed by GI in 2002
Misdiagnoses for 15 years were IBS-D, ataxia, migraines, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, parathesias, arthritis, livedo reticularis, hairloss, premature menopause, osteoporosis, kidney damage, diverticulosis, prediabetes and ulcers, dermatitis herpeformis
All bold resoved or went into remission with proper diagnosis of Celiac November 2002
Some residual nerve damage remains as of 2006- this has continued to resolve after eliminating soy in 2007

Mother died of celiac related cancer at 56
Twin brother died as a result of autoimmune liver destruction at age 15

Children 2 with Ulcers, GERD, Depression, , 1 with DH, 1 with severe growth stunting (male adult 5 feet)both finally diagnosed Celiac through blood testing and 1 with endo 6 months after Mom


Positive to Soy and Casien also Aug 2007

Gluten Sensitivity Gene Test Aug 2007
HLA-DQB1 Molecular analysis, Allele 1 0303

HLA-DQB1 Molecular analysis, Allele 2 0303

Serologic equivalent: HLA-DQ 3,3 (Subtype 9,9)

#29 GlutenFreeManna

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Posted 07 October 2011 - 01:02 PM

HeyTeacher - you don't owe anyone an apology! There was absolutely NOTHING inappropriate in your post, and you are not responsible when people disagree with each other's advice to you. It's fine to mention your husband's lack of support; we get a lot of similar posts.

I think you should tell your husband you absolutely need his support in either going to a doctor, or implementing a strict gluten-free diet - one or the other. Use the "in sickness and in health" line. And in the meantime, if you are too sick to function... DON'T! Let the kids miss some activities, let him pick up some slack in whatever your responsibilities are - let him SEE how ill you are. As long as you suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and he is not inconvenienced by your illness, he is going to maintain the status quo because it is comfortable for him. Don't let anyone maintain their comfort at the cost of your own health. Good luck!


Exactly! Thank you for saying so well what I was trying to say. Heyteacher don't worry about us--I've seen much worse ruffled feathers before. I'm glad you are having good discussions with your husband. Mentioning him was important and maybe it helped you get it off your chest so you can deal with talking to him more about this. Please feel free to ask more questions here in the future! :)
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A simple meal with love is better than a feast where there is hatred. Proverbs 15:17 (CEV)

#30 gailc

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Posted 07 October 2011 - 04:32 PM

I have found the gluten-free diet to be traumatic, not the diet itself but searching for foods. In order not to go thru this again when I eventually get diabetes I decided to do that diet now too. (DIET=the food we eat and the liquids we eat).
The diabetic diet is pretty much gluten-free except for substituting gluten-free bread, but I'd rather have rice.
One raw food like a tomato, fruit veggies and protein and salad. Where's the gluten in that? I think this is easier than focusing on what I cannot have. I have not baked for 7 months. Soon.

Food when I am out alone is a trip to the grocery produce dept. for an apple or banana, or now since my gluten intolerance went away some yogurt which I count as a dessert.

Try to cook meals that you can eat JUST the gluten-free parts.
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