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Struggling To Cope With Boyfriend's Mother


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35 replies to this topic

#31 pricklypear1971

 
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Posted 08 October 2011 - 08:27 PM

No, she will not be forced into situations where the mother can attack her. She doesn't have to interact with her (possible) MIL ever. And, if it is that bad, neither do her children. She (and her possible husband) can CHOOSE how they interact with the woman, and this sort of danger (that she would intentionally make the girlfriend sick) is a darn good reason to choose those interactions very
carefully.



We can agree to disagree on that one.

You can attempt to choose, intend to choose, but in the end the fact that you are part of the same family (or related by children) opens you up to vulnerability.

This is pointless to argue about. This young lady is perfectly capable of making her own judgements regarding the situation.
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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
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Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

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#32 tarnalberry

 
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Posted 08 October 2011 - 09:27 PM

We can agree to disagree on that one.

You can attempt to choose, intend to choose, but in the end the fact that you are part of the same family (or related by children) opens you up to vulnerability.

This is pointless to argue about. This young lady is perfectly capable of making her own judgements regarding the situation.


I don't get how there can be an argument. My father and I haven't talked for years because of his behavior - I chose not to put myself into any situation with him. You can argue that she "has" to because it's her (possible) husband's mother, but the nature of their relationship can in no way force her muscles to walk her into the same room with the woman. Could it put a strain on the relationship if they choose different interactions? Oh certainly. But it's still a choice. Even with a child, you do NOT have to permit a grandparent to see the child if there is reason not to. Down to the circumstance of a family emergency and someone's in the hospital - the grandparents do not have any legal rights to be involved in the family.

My point here is that - like with everything in life, including this diet - it's a choice. It may be a very difficult choice, with consequences on either side that are undesirable. But it's still a choice.
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Tiffany aka "Have I Mentioned Chocolate Lately?"
Inconclusive Blood Tests, Positive Dietary Results, No Endoscopy
G.F. - September 2003; C.F. - July 2004
Hiker, Yoga Teacher, Engineer, Painter, Be-er of Me
Bellevue, WA

#33 pricklypear1971

 
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Posted 08 October 2011 - 09:56 PM

I don't get how there can be an argument. My father and I haven't talked for years because of his behavior - I chose not to put myself into any situation with him. You can argue that she "has" to because it's her (possible) husband's mother, but the nature of their relationship can in no way force her muscles to walk her into the same room with the woman. Could it put a strain on the relationship if they choose different interactions? Oh certainly. But it's still a choice. Even with a child, you do NOT have to permit a grandparent to see the child if there is reason not to. Down to the circumstance of a family emergency and someone's in the hospital - the grandparents do not have any legal rights to be involved in the family.

My point here is that - like with everything in life, including this diet - it's a choice. It may be a very difficult choice, with consequences on either side that are undesirable. But it's still a choice.


Ah, but it isn't HER mother. Therefore, it's never her choice in the end.

Look, this obviously isn't about this young lady....you have your experiences. I have mine. She will have hers.
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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
.
Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#34 psawyer

 
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Posted 08 October 2011 - 10:02 PM

Ah, but it isn't HER mother. Therefore, it's never her choice in the end.

Look, this obviously isn't about this young lady....you have your experiences. I have mine. She will have hers.

I'm not sure what your point is. Everything we do that interacts with another person is by choice. Whether it is your parent, or your partner's parent, it is still a choice to allow interaction with your child. It may be a difficult choice, but you are in control, not the parent or in-law.
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#35 pricklypear1971

 
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Posted 08 October 2011 - 10:56 PM

I'm not sure what your point is. Everything we do that interacts with another person is by choice. Whether it is your parent, or your partner's parent, it is still a choice to allow interaction with your child. It may be a difficult choice, but you are in control, not the parent or in-law.


Ok. Last post on this for me.

Hypothetically, one is only as protected from a partner's relatives as that partner chooses to protect him/her.

Same for children. Especially if the parents are no longer a couple - child custody arrangements, specifically. Adults can be exposed through their children.
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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
.
Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#36 tarnalberry

 
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Posted 09 October 2011 - 06:09 AM

Ok. Last post on this for me.

Hypothetically, one is only as protected from a partner's relatives as that partner chooses to protect him/her.

Same for children. Especially if the parents are no longer a couple - child custody arrangements, specifically. Adults can be exposed through their children.


There's a reason I so strongly disagree with you - because your first sentence implies that the same holds true for this diet - that someone is only as protected against eating gluten from an inlaw as the partner provides. And I call total BS on that. The idea that it's someone else's responsibility (even if your partner) to keep YOU safe is just a way to pass the blame on to someone else if it fails.

Let's say I didn't like my IL's (though I do!). If I never wanted to see them, I wouldn't have to. DH could visit them for holidays, if they were to visit here we could either have a "not in my house" rule (which would take cooperation from DH, but wouldn't be his responsibility) or I could leave to a hotel while they were here.

It is never someone else's responsibility to take full responsibility for another person. We wouldn't do that with anyone else - say, a partner's friends or coworkers - so why here? Why stop taking responsibility for yourself and claim the helpless victim at the mercy of what other people do? It's - like EVERYTHING - a choice you can make, but it doesn't seem a very safe one!

And why am I harping on it so much? Because it's vital to following the diet in difficult situations. Go to your family's house, and they cook something you don't feel safe with, but you feel you "have to eat it or they will be offended" and you get quite sick. Well, if you take the attitude of leaving yourself to the mercy of others, you abdicated a real choice you have - not to eat the darn food. Heck, it's even their choice to be offended - there is nothing in our world that requires offense because food was declined. Like in any area of life, this diet is one where we have to take full responsibility for ourselves and NOT leave that to others. Nasty IL's are just one other one. :)

You are right, though, with part of the exception. If they had kids, separated, and had a custody arrangement, she could not keep her kid away from the mother (unless it was proven the kid had celiac and the mother showed negligence or malice in feeding the kid gluten or otherwise getting the kid sick). But that doesn't mean she would ever have to see the mother. There would be tradeoffs (I know of separated parents who didn't get to celebrate birthdays with their kid at their party because of conflicts like this. It's doable, even if it's a choice you don't like.)
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Tiffany aka "Have I Mentioned Chocolate Lately?"
Inconclusive Blood Tests, Positive Dietary Results, No Endoscopy
G.F. - September 2003; C.F. - July 2004
Hiker, Yoga Teacher, Engineer, Painter, Be-er of Me
Bellevue, WA




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