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I Had Hoped To Never Return To This Place


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#1 zus888

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:00 PM

Some of you probably remember me from my rantings of being on the God-forsaken gluten-free diet. You may also remember that I was having a lot of trouble coping. Well, I'm off the diet. Here's the story.

First, I have a number of autoimmune diseases. The worst one is Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, which, my doc tells me, will likely require me to have a liver transplant 10-12 years after diagnosis (which, by the way was in 2007). After a 6 month depression trying to deal with that diagnosis (I'm not going to go into all the statistics and crap I read about because it's depressing), I decided to ignore it and live my life like I never heard the words, "primary sclerosing cholangitis."

This past January, a routine biopsy (endoscopy) for Crohns discovered crypt hyperplasia, blunted villi and other stuff indicative of celiac. Blood tests were done at my insistence, with the only "mild positive" result being the IgG Gliadin. I think I was just a few points above the upper limit. Everything else was negative. Doc "strongly recommended" going on the gluten-free diet and directed me to a dietician who has celiac himself.

Due to my other autoimmune issues, I have a lot of blood tests and other diagnostic tests. They discovered inflamed lymph nodes in my abdomen that they are keeping tabs on. With this information, and the fact that villi *could* be blunted due to other conditions like soy or dairy intolerance, lymphoma, intestinal cancer, and a few bacterial infections, I wasn't wholly convinced that I actually HAD celiac. In fact, I realize now, I was in FULL DENIAL of it. Even when discussing it with people, I would say, "I've been diagnosed with celiac" not "I have celiac." Unfortunately, the ONLY way to rule out celiac was to go on the diet and then redo the endoscopy.

It took a little cajoling to get my doc to do a follow-up endoscopy. At this point, my depression had gotten so bad I went on prozac to try to control it. The ONLY REASON I was depressed was because of the diet, which I LOATHED, and made note of here on more than one occasion.

The endoscopy was the Thursday before Christmas. Friday, I had my first gluten-filled meal and ate it with much enthusiasm. Those four days after the endoscopy were pure bliss. No worries about what was going into my mouth or what they had been in contact with. It. Was. Awesome. Then, Tuesday, I received the call from the nurse that changed everything. There was NO note of blunted villi. The duodenal biopsies (he only took 2) came back NORMAL. All I can say was that I felt like I had been shot just as I was making flight toward freedom. I tried to rationalize that maybe he didn't get the right spots. I mean, he only took TWO biopsies. He could have MISSED the area. Don't they say that all the time - that it's a crapshoot on whether you'll find the blunted villi??? But I KNEW what it meant. It meant that the 9 months I spent on the diet healed my villi, and the blunting was, indeed, due to gluten. I was (and still am) devastated.

For 2 days, I cried. I debated whether it was worth living. I couldn't go back to my gluten-free prison again. Couldn't do it. The mere thought made me want to vomit. I had visions of escaping this life. I couldn't decide whether it was better to live a short happy life where I'm essentially killing myself, OR to live a long life filled with bitterness and misery and wishing I could kill myself. Because, I'll be honest, I'm not sure it is possible for me to be happy on a gluten-free diet. I have suffered NOT ONE ill consequence from going off the diet. NOT. ONE. Additionally, I never tangibly benefited from the diet either. I didn't get more energy. I didn't feel any better. And, if anything, I feel better after going OFF the diet. Mainly, because the stress of it is gone.

And, really, it's not just the diet. It's what the diet represents. I KNOW my health is precarious at best. After the liver disease diagnosis, I had to dig myself out of the trenches and DECIDE to IGNORE it. I could live a happy life pretending that I wasn't sick because I didn't FEEL SICK. The gluten-free diet reminds me EVERY DAY that I'm sick. EVERY DAY, several times a day, I have to think about what's in my food, what it came in contact with, and will it make me sick. Every day, every time I eat, every time I see someone else eat, every time I see a commercial, pass by a restaurant or just get hungry, I am reminded that I AM SICK and I WORRY and STRESS and HATE IT. I cannot live my life like that. I can't live my life in constant worry about my future. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for more bad news.

I don't know if I can go back to that prison. I know I'm killing myself by eating gluten, but I'm not sure I care. I KNOW people will bring up my kids, but it's no good if I'm doing what's physically responsible, and then turning into a shell of a person who is emotionally unavailable as a result of it. I don't want to live my life dependent on an antidepressant merely because I can't handle being on a gluten-free diet.

I NEVER imagined myself being in this position. I Never understood addiction. I could not comprehend how someone would choose drugs, alcohol, or whatever the addiction is, over their friends, family, children, even their own life. Yet, here I am, making the same damn choice without the excuse of a physical or chemical addiction. I don't know what to say for myself. There is no defense. It really doesn't make any sense especially considering how much I've been fighting to maintain the health of my liver and my overall physical health. I took up running to increase my chances of putting off a transplant. Yet, a dinner roll has managed to undermine it all. It has a hold on me greater than the value of my own life.

I don't know why I'm even writing any of this. I know exactly what you all are going to say. But I can't say it will matter. All I can say right now is that I have decided to not make a decision right now. Which means, I'm off the diet indefinitely. I'm living for today. And that may kill me tomorrow. But tomorrow isn't guaranteed, is it?
  • 0
Suzanna

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#2 kareng

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:36 PM

I'm not going to give you the nice, encouraging reply. To be quite honest, you make me very mad. You insist, repeatedly, that I am living a wretched and sad life, not worth living. Just because there are a few items I can't eat? I don't obsess about my food in my own home. I barely think about it because I have safe foods to cook & eat. I don't eat out much, but that's not so bad. We make wonderful food at home. My glutenous husband is finishing off the gluten-free focaccia because " it's a shame to waste such good bread.".

It's OK to be a bit sad and worried in the beginning. However, you have decided, like a stubborn 2 year old, that you will not make it work. You will not like it.

Are you misplacing the anger at your liver disease onto Celiac? You can't do much about the liver disease but you can fight against the Celiac Disease by not eating gluten-free.
  • 0

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#3 Skylark

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:37 PM

(((hug)))

You poor thing. I'm so sorry to read that you are going through all this. It sounds to me like you need some help working through your feelings about the gluten-free diet. I'm not sure you ever gave yourself a chance to get through the grief of a lifelong dietary change. It seems like you've fought and denied and fought some more, which is all totally normal, but you've got to move past the fighting.

I'd suggest finding a minister, a counselor, or someone who is good helping people with grief. I know it sounds strange but it seems to me that you have to somehow mourn the loss of that dinner roll and the impact of having another "diagnosis" to move past this.

Also, you have only been trying this for nine months. It took me a couple years to really get used to the diet. You mention worrying when you are hungry; my kitchen doesn't have a single unsafe food in it. Yours probably needs to be the same. I can reach for anything in the house that looks good. I have to pay a little attention when I shop but I mostly eat fruits, vegetables, meats, and nuts, all of which are naturally gluten-free. With the restaurants, again it's the grief. You are having a natural grief reaction when you pass a place you can't eat. It's like running across a picture of a grandparent you miss before you've gotten used to the idea that they are gone. Once you get through the grief, it won't be nearly as painful.

I hope this helps a little, so you can do what you know you need for your health.
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#4 Dana Ward

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:38 PM

You get the liver transplant one day, you do good on the diet, and in ten years, you are still around, seeing your kids grow up and I must say that by then, being gluten free will be MUCH easier!
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Dana Ward

#5 Lisa

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:45 PM

Some of you probably remember me from my rantings of being on the God-forsaken gluten-free diet. You may also remember that I was having a lot of trouble coping. Well, I'm off the diet. Here's the story.

First, I have a number of autoimmune diseases. The worst one is Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, which, my doc tells me, will likely require me to have a liver transplant 10-12 years after diagnosis (which, by the way was in 2007). After a 6 month depression trying to deal with that diagnosis (I'm not going to go into all the statistics and crap I read about because it's depressing), I decided to ignore it and live my life like I never heard the words, "primary sclerosing cholangitis."

This past January, a routine biopsy (endoscopy) for Crohns discovered crypt hyperplasia, blunted villi and other stuff indicative of celiac. Blood tests were done at my insistence, with the only "mild positive" result being the IgG Gliadin. I think I was just a few points above the upper limit. Everything else was negative. Doc "strongly recommended" going on the gluten-free diet and directed me to a dietician who has celiac himself.

Due to my other autoimmune issues, I have a lot of blood tests and other diagnostic tests. They discovered inflamed lymph nodes in my abdomen that they are keeping tabs on. With this information, and the fact that villi *could* be blunted due to other conditions like soy or dairy intolerance, lymphoma, intestinal cancer, and a few bacterial infections, I wasn't wholly convinced that I actually HAD celiac. In fact, I realize now, I was in FULL DENIAL of it. Even when discussing it with people, I would say, "I've been diagnosed with celiac" not "I have celiac." Unfortunately, the ONLY way to rule out celiac was to go on the diet and then redo the endoscopy.

It took a little cajoling to get my doc to do a follow-up endoscopy. At this point, my depression had gotten so bad I went on prozac to try to control it. The ONLY REASON I was depressed was because of the diet, which I LOATHED, and made note of here on more than one occasion.

The endoscopy was the Thursday before Christmas. Friday, I had my first gluten-filled meal and ate it with much enthusiasm. Those four days after the endoscopy were pure bliss. No worries about what was going into my mouth or what they had been in contact with. It. Was. Awesome. Then, Tuesday, I received the call from the nurse that changed everything. There was NO note of blunted villi. The duodenal biopsies (he only took 2) came back NORMAL. All I can say was that I felt like I had been shot just as I was making flight toward freedom. I tried to rationalize that maybe he didn't get the right spots. I mean, he only took TWO biopsies. He could have MISSED the area. Don't they say that all the time - that it's a crapshoot on whether you'll find the blunted villi??? But I KNEW what it meant. It meant that the 9 months I spent on the diet healed my villi, and the blunting was, indeed, due to gluten. I was (and still am) devastated.

For 2 days, I cried. I debated whether it was worth living. I couldn't go back to my gluten-free prison again. Couldn't do it. The mere thought made me want to vomit. I had visions of escaping this life. I couldn't decide whether it was better to live a short happy life where I'm essentially killing myself, OR to live a long life filled with bitterness and misery and wishing I could kill myself. Because, I'll be honest, I'm not sure it is possible for me to be happy on a gluten-free diet. I have suffered NOT ONE ill consequence from going off the diet. NOT. ONE. Additionally, I never tangibly benefited from the diet either. I didn't get more energy. I didn't feel any better. And, if anything, I feel better after going OFF the diet. Mainly, because the stress of it is gone.

And, really, it's not just the diet. It's what the diet represents. I KNOW my health is precarious at best. After the liver disease diagnosis, I had to dig myself out of the trenches and DECIDE to IGNORE it. I could live a happy life pretending that I wasn't sick because I didn't FEEL SICK. The gluten-free diet reminds me EVERY DAY that I'm sick. EVERY DAY, several times a day, I have to think about what's in my food, what it came in contact with, and will it make me sick. Every day, every time I eat, every time I see someone else eat, every time I see a commercial, pass by a restaurant or just get hungry, I am reminded that I AM SICK and I WORRY and STRESS and HATE IT. I cannot live my life like that. I can't live my life in constant worry about my future. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for more bad news.

I don't know if I can go back to that prison. I know I'm killing myself by eating gluten, but I'm not sure I care. I KNOW people will bring up my kids, but it's no good if I'm doing what's physically responsible, and then turning into a shell of a person who is emotionally unavailable as a result of it. I don't want to live my life dependent on an antidepressant merely because I can't handle being on a gluten-free diet.

I NEVER imagined myself being in this position. I Never understood addiction. I could not comprehend how someone would choose drugs, alcohol, or whatever the addiction is, over their friends, family, children, even their own life. Yet, here I am, making the same damn choice without the excuse of a physical or chemical addiction. I don't know what to say for myself. There is no defense. It really doesn't make any sense especially considering how much I've been fighting to maintain the health of my liver and my overall physical health. I took up running to increase my chances of putting off a transplant. Yet, a dinner roll has managed to undermine it all. It has a hold on me greater than the value of my own life.

I don't know why I'm even writing any of this. I know exactly what you all are going to say. But I can't say it will matter. All I can say right now is that I have decided to not make a decision right now. Which means, I'm off the diet indefinitely. I'm living for today. And that may kill me tomorrow. But tomorrow isn't guaranteed, is it?


And it's not such a dreadful place to come back too! :) A BIG hug to you Suz! Life can be really sucky at times and the people who post here are truly a testimonial of that. I can point you to over a dozen people on this site that have recovered from the deepest, darkest places (both physically and emotional) and came out on the other side with a love of life and a renewed appreciation of good health.

Life carried no guarantees. Walking across the street has no guarantees. Waking up in the morning is not a guarantee. But life is a gift. Family and friends are a gift.

And how did you ever come to realize that a life long gluten free diet is the kiss of death! It's just real life with slight tweek...that's all.

If you struggle with it, we can help. Just ask :)

2012 is a new beginning. Make a wish! Make a plan!
  • 1
Lisa

Gluten Free - August 15, 2004

"Not all who wander are lost" - JRR Tolkien

#6 zus888

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:54 PM

To be quite honest, you make me very mad. You insist, repeatedly, that I am living a wretched and sad life, not worth living. Just because there are a few items I can't eat? I don't obsess about my food in my own home. I barely think about it because I have safe foods to cook & eat.

Are you misplacing the anger at your liver disease onto Celiac? You can't do much about the liver disease but you can fight against the Celiac Disease by not eating gluten-free.


I don't think I ever once mentioned how I think you feel on the diet. I only mentioned how I feel on the diet. I don't transfer my feelings onto any other people who face this disease. In fact, I find it unnerving that I seem to be the only one who felt and continues to feel this way. I cannot say why I am having these feelings. But it's not something I've taken lightly. It's not something I want!

And, yes, I think that is what I'm saying. I don't think I've acknowledged my liver disease. My doctor was actually somewhat surprised (and noted that during my office visit with him) that I didn't break down in tears at my liver diagnosis. I want to live in ignorance. And the celiac does not allow me to do so because it is constantly on my mind. I adhered strictly to the diet. I always had something available for me to eat. Nevertheless, I always felt "without."
  • 0
Suzanna

#7 Lisa

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 06:58 PM

I don't think I ever once mentioned how I think you feel on the diet. I only mentioned how I feel on the diet. I don't transfer my feelings onto any other people who face this disease. In fact, I find it unnerving that I seem to be the only one who felt and continues to feel this way. I cannot say why I am having these feelings. But it's not something I've taken lightly. It's not something I want!

Nevertheless, I always felt "without."


Sooo, what missing?
  • 1
Lisa

Gluten Free - August 15, 2004

"Not all who wander are lost" - JRR Tolkien

#8 kareng

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:01 PM

. I don't think I've acknowledged my liver disease.



There you go! Now you are getting somewhere! this is what I hope you will think about.

Hospital or Cancer center Social Work Depts should be able to refer you to a counselor who deals with chronic illness. You need to grieve and learn to deal with the liver disease. Celiac is really minor after that.
  • 1

LTES

 
"We've waited 29 years for this and not even a Giant can stand in our way." - Mayor Sly James
 
 
 
 
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#9 zus888

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:24 PM

Sooo, what missing?


Mainly, the freedom. The freedom to just eat whatever is available. I have 3 young kids, so picnics, family gatherings, PTO meetings, etc are frequent. I stayed home all summer because I cannot mentally handle being around food I LOVE, but cannot HAVE. I have no desire to bring my own food in a bag while others are enjoying a buffet of food. I skipped DH's company party because of celiac. I skipped too many picnics to count. I skipped too many club meetings because cake was being served. I became a hermit because I cannot pretend to be happy and I cannot "suck it up."

I walked into MIL's house for dinner and there were dinner rolls on the table. (I think I wrote about this before.) I about near had a mental freaking breakdown. It was that incident that got me on prozac because I had visions of cutting my arms and taking oxycodone to cope with being in the same room as a dinner roll, let alone watching people eat my most favorite of foods in my presence. It was a horrible experience and really set the stage for a great deal of fear when it comes to food. I feel like I cannot trust myself any more because I don't know how well I'll handle surprises like that. I wasn't expecting to have such a strong and psychotic reaction to being in the presence of dinner rolls. And this was only a few months ago. August or September maybe? As a result, I don't trust myself to go anywhere that I'm unfamiliar with and certainly won't be going back to MIL's house for any sort of dinner while gluten-free. I miss dinner rolls. I miss cinnamon rolls. I miss being able to walk up to a buffet and just eat. I miss the ease of eating out. I miss feeling like a normal healthy human being.

There you go! Now you are getting somewhere! this is what I hope you will think about.

Hospital or Cancer center Social Work Depts should be able to refer you to a counselor who deals with chronic illness. You need to grieve and learn to deal with the liver disease. Celiac is really minor after that.


yes. I know. I've called 3 different therapists and have reached dead ends. One wasn't accepting new patients. The other isn't a participating provider. Another hasn't called me back.

I really DON'T want to deal, though. I don't WANT to face my uncertain future. I don't want to focus on the shitty hand I've been dealt. I can't imagine any good coming from it. Nothing but feeling impotent. And fear. I don't want to face my fear.
  • 0
Suzanna

#10 domesticactivist

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:26 PM

Welcome back, Suzanna,
What I noticed about your post is how you are really being honest with yourself here. Where that will lead you I can't say, but I think it's a good first step to eventually finding some peace with yourself. It seems like you need to do a lot of processing - talking it out from many angles. I'm like that, too. I'm glad you came back and found the space to do that.

Your post made me think of one of my favorite bloggers, The Fat Nutritionist. In her How to eat in a nutshell lesson one: Permission post she says:
"Even if you have a disease or an allergy, it is your choice to either follow the therapeutic dietary recommendations for your condition, or not."

You seem to feel defensive about the choice you are making, and I can see why you would. Everyone around you at least on this forum is going to tell you that with your situation a gluten-free diet is necessary.

But you don't have to defend the choice not to do it. It's already yours, and no one has any business taking that fundamental right to decide what goes in your own mouth away from you.

You are an informed adult, and you have the right to make choices that are destructive to your body. You are the only one who has to live in your body and in your emotional landscape.

You know which kind of pain you can stand. At this moment, from my reading of what you have written, it seems you are choosing the eventual pain of a progressing disease and potential early death over the pain of facing that emotions that come with accepting the disease and your mortality now.

Do I hope you will choose to be gluten-free and find a way to enjoy the diet? Of course I do, because I want you to be well, and I want you to be happy. But that has nothing to do with the fact that it is your choice, and no one has to understand and live with that choice but you.

Even though the people around you will be profoundly affected by your choices, that is a knife that cuts both ways. The limits you have are your limits, and the people who love you can't change that for you.
  • 2
Our family is transitioning off the GAPS Intro Diet and into the Full GAPS Diet.
Gluten-Free since November 2010
GAPS Diet since January/February 2011
me - not tested for celiac - currently doing a gluten challenge since 11/26/2011
partner - not tested for celiac
ds - age 11, hospitalized 9/2010, celiac dx by gluten reaction & genetics. No biopsy or blood as we were already gluten-free by the time it was an option.
dd - age 12.5, not celiac, has Tourette's syndome
both kids have now-resolved attention issues.

#11 rosetapper23

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:27 PM

Zus,

I actually think differently than the other posters with regard to your predicament. First, I'm not 100% convinced that your negative biopsy means anything at all. Your formerly blunted villi might have been blunted for a reason other than celiac, and they've returned to healthy status for reasons having nothing to do with a gluten-free diet. Also, I have a real problem with the fact that the surgeon only took two samples--that's not even close to adequate. Also, were any of the biopsies taken of your small intestine? Or just your duodenum? If just the duodenum, I wouldn't look at the biopsies as meaning much of anything with regard to celiac. Therefore, perhaps you should eat gluten to your heart's content and then have a TRUE endoscopic biopsy (of at least eight samples) after six months' time. If, in fact, there's damage at that time...or if you begin to feel ill prior to the end of the six-month period, THEN you can return to the gluten-free diet. Because your mental health is at stake here, I am siding on a less conservative response than I would normally make. Everyone may not disagree with me....but the facts that you presented simply do NOT support a diagnosis of celiac to me.
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#12 psawyer

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:30 PM

You need to grieve and learn to deal with the liver disease. Celiac is really minor after that.

True dat!

It is normal to grieve when faced with a life-changing situation.

You may want to look into the "five stages of grief," as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Understanding it may help you get through the process. I know it helped me understand what I was going through with two life-changing diagnoses--first diabetes in 1986 and then celiac disease in 2000. I have reached acceptance on both. Here is a link to some information on Wikipedia.
  • 4
Peter
Diagnosis by biopsy of practically non-existent villi; gluten-free since July 2000.
Type 1 (autoimmune) diabetes diagnosed in March 1986
Markham, Ontario (borders on Toronto)

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#13 kareng

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:33 PM

yes. I know. I've called 3 different therapists and have reached dead ends. One wasn't accepting new patients. The other isn't a participating provider. Another hasn't called me back.

I really DON'T want to deal, though. I don't WANT to face my uncertain future. I don't want to focus on the shitty hand I've been dealt. I can't imagine any good coming from it. Nothing but feeling impotent. And fear. I don't want to face my fear.



The Celiac stuff, doesn't really matter. That's just an easy excuse and a place to put your anger.

As for the therapists.... Have you tried churches in your area? We have one with a big group for people with terminal/ chronic illnesses. You don't have to belong to the church or the religion. Call the hospital or cancer centers. Ask your doc. Call every ilisting in the phone book ( if you really want to get help ).

You won't really enjoy life by denying your illnesses. Sure, it might work for a few months or years, but you will face them. Your hub and kids might need some help with this, too.
  • 1

LTES

 
"We've waited 29 years for this and not even a Giant can stand in our way." - Mayor Sly James
 
 
 
 
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#14 domesticactivist

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:42 PM

I really DON'T want to deal, though. I don't WANT to face my uncertain future. I don't want to focus on the shitty hand I've been dealt. I can't imagine any good coming from it. Nothing but feeling impotent. And fear. I don't want to face my fear.


Then don't deal with it. Enjoying each day you have now without delving into these issues is a valid choice.

But if you feel like delving into it a bit:

It interests me that you say that you can imagine that it would make you feel impotent if you faced the hand you've been dealt. With celiac disease, there is a way to take power over it - and that is to remove gluten from your diet. With the liver disease, there is a way to take power - have the transplant.

It seems like you may feel that being forced into those choices is in fact impotence - the course of action is decided for you.

I wonder if part of the fear is that taking action won't solve anything. Maybe it feels safer to avoid it than to take action and face the potential that your health will not improve?

It is true - no matter what power we take in life, we all have uncertain futures. You have some of the risks you face laid out before you, along with a road map for how to avoid some of the potential danger, but there is no guarantee. Even if these health issues are healed, there are other potential dangers out there. I faced my mortality many years ago when I walked away from a car accident you would not believe. Every day I wake up feeling blessed to be alive, and knowing that this day may be my last.

You say you don't want to face the fears, yet here you are, discussing them. Somewhere inside you know that if you face them you will be able to take steps that may prolong your life and make it healthier and happier... actually helping you avoid the outcomes that you most fear experiencing.
  • 4
Our family is transitioning off the GAPS Intro Diet and into the Full GAPS Diet.
Gluten-Free since November 2010
GAPS Diet since January/February 2011
me - not tested for celiac - currently doing a gluten challenge since 11/26/2011
partner - not tested for celiac
ds - age 11, hospitalized 9/2010, celiac dx by gluten reaction & genetics. No biopsy or blood as we were already gluten-free by the time it was an option.
dd - age 12.5, not celiac, has Tourette's syndome
both kids have now-resolved attention issues.

#15 kareng

 
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Posted 01 January 2012 - 07:49 PM

Read some of the posts from when I was posting at the same time.


I wanted to add:

I can respect you not treating an illness ( Celiac, liver disease, cancer, etc). But , only if you have accepted the diagnosis, symptoms, treatment options, etc. and are comfortable with your choices.

Honey, that's what I really hope for you - the ability to make and accept informed decisions. Then to go on with whatever life you have left. We could all get hit by a car or a meteor at anytime. There are no guarantees for any of us.
  • 1

LTES

 
"We've waited 29 years for this and not even a Giant can stand in our way." - Mayor Sly James
 
 
 
 
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