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Dating Frustration


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20 replies to this topic

#1 Jetamio

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 10:22 AM

Hi everyone...I just need to vent.

I've been seeing someone for a while now. We met last year, before my whole illness adventure began. He likes to go out on Saturday nights and usually wants to eat some where. I've told him, in depth, that I can't have gluten or dairy and why. I've offered him plenty of reading material on gluten. A friend gave me a book with restaurants that have gluten free options and I take that with us now. However, every time we go out, he wants to go somewhere that serves pizza, pasta, fried something... That would be ok except the places he wants to go don't have a gluten free menu and the risk of CC and me getting sick would be big.

I don't think he's doing it to be difficult. I really think he's having a hard time understanding what I can't have. He gets the dairy part but not the gluten. We went some place that I was able to get a salad from and I asked the waitress to double check that there weren't croutons. She left and he turned to me and said "didn't you want croutons?". I said no, I can't have croutons. "oh".

How can I help him understand what gluten free means? Am I expecting too much? I'm at the point I just don't want to go out to eat with him at all because I feel terrible telling him the places he wants to go aren't ok for me. Don't even get me started if he wants us to go eat with his family....I don't want to make a big deal out of food but I don't want to be sick either. Any suggestions would be great!

Jetamio
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Dairy free since 2010
Gluten free 2/2012 after off the charts positive blood test
Soy and MSG sensitive
Have opted not to biopsy right now.

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#2 JustNana

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 10:33 AM

I feel for you Sweetie, but honestly if he doesn't know that croutons are bread, he may not be capable of understanding diets.

The other possibility is more cynical but it's possible he is simply more interested in what he wants than what you need.

I would make an attempt to have another conversation with him stressing how much you enjoy his company but need his active support on this issue. If he is serious about helping you emotionally and protecting you physically then be very appreciative of his sincere efforts. If he seems unwilling or unable or his eyes start to glaze over maybe it's time to find a stronger guy.

At least in this stage of your life you can still seek other partners. Best wishes.
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#3 Monael

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 12:38 PM

I agree with JustNana. Doesn't he ever let you pick the restaurant? Why don't you make a list of restaurants in your area that you are OK to eat at, and tell him that you can go to any of these restaurants. I don't know where you live so I don't know how long that list would be, but make it as long as you can, even if you have to spend a lot of time on the phone or web researching the menus. But it seems to me that if he really doesn't get it, either intentionally or unintentionally, then it isn't going to work in the long run.
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#4 Skylark

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 12:49 PM

Dump him and find a guy who treats you better. The ones I date let ME pick the restaurant, wouldn't dream of trying to push food on me, and pretty much do all they can to support my food restrictions.

I find that a gluten-free diet is a really handy built-in jerk detector. :lol:
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#5 Ninja

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 12:52 PM

Built in jerk detector! - :lol: :lol: :lol:
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#6 Bubba's Mom

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 12:55 PM

Dump him and find a guy who treats you better. The ones I date let ME pick the restaurant, wouldn't dream of trying to push food on me, and pretty much do all they can to support my food restrictions.

I find that a gluten-free diet is a really handy built-in jerk detector. :lol:

Agreed! :D :D :D
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#7 Mom23boys

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 01:22 PM

I've been married for 15 years and my husband still does not know what protein, carbs, dairy, wheat are all in. He tries but he just doesn't get it. He can now catch the obvious -- bread, milk -- and is now catching less obvious - pizza, mac/cheese.

You need to simplify the language a little more. I know purists will groan but maybe say "wheat and like grains". People also understand the terms "life threatening allergy" a little better or at least "like a life threatening allergy".
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#8 GlutenFreeAustinite

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 02:03 PM

Yeah, I've had that experience. The first guy I dated understood what gluten-free was (some relative had celiac) but he didn't seem to care all that much about how I was feeling. We barely lasted a month, though not for gluten free reasons. My current boyfriend is amazing. He's always checking if places have gluten-free menus, if foods have gluten, etc. We've been together seven (almost eight) months and still going strong.

There are people, however, who just don't understand. My vegetarian aunt was recently in the hospital and her dietician, employed by the hospital, tried to give her chicken. :P
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#9 kareng

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 02:20 PM

Hi everyone...I just need to vent.

I've been seeing someone for a while now. We met last year, before my whole illness adventure began. He likes to go out on Saturday nights and usually wants to eat some where. I've told him, in depth, that I can't have gluten or dairy and why. I've offered him plenty of reading material on gluten. A friend gave me a book with restaurants that have gluten free options and I take that with us now. However, every time we go out, he wants to go somewhere that serves pizza, pasta, fried something... That would be ok except the places he wants to go don't have a gluten free menu and the risk of CC and me getting sick would be big.

I don't think he's doing it to be difficult. I really think he's having a hard time understanding what I can't have. He gets the dairy part but not the gluten. We went some place that I was able to get a salad from and I asked the waitress to double check that there weren't croutons. She left and he turned to me and said "didn't you want croutons?". I said no, I can't have croutons. "oh".

How can I help him understand what gluten free means? Am I expecting too much? I'm at the point I just don't want to go out to eat with him at all because I feel terrible telling him the places he wants to go aren't ok for me. Don't even get me started if he wants us to go eat with his family....I don't want to make a big deal out of food but I don't want to be sick either. Any suggestions would be great!

Jetamio



He must be really cute or good at something? B) I don't think you are dating him for his brains!

But seriously...I don't know how long you have had to be gluten-free. If its just a couple of months, I might give him another chance. Sit down with him and tell him you don't think he understands your "illness". Its easy to treat with the right food. Try and explain the gluten, bread, pizza, etc thing. Tell him its not fun to have to go to a place where you can't eat or have to worry about whether you will be sick later. Tell him you are sad (real men hate thier women to be sad). No accusing or blaming or "you did" stuff. Lay down the law about bringing your own food to his parents. If he isn't trying after that, then he is either really dumb or really self-absorbed. Those are probably things you wouldn't want to live with or have kids with.
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#10 dani nero

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 02:51 PM

I agree with and echo all the previous posts. If you really like him give him another chance, but it seems to me that he's not really absorbing all that there is to know about you.
Maybe reading really isn't his strong-point.. Perhaps try by telling him a story of how celiac disease was discovered.. that might be a little more interesting... but I can't think of any other way of making a person want to learn about your condition without being genuinely interested.
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#11 IrishHeart

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 04:05 PM

You gave him plenty of reading material--Yet, he STILL continues to choose places for you BOTH that offer only "pizza, pasta or fried something" as you put it?

Oh sweetie,

He is either not really interested in learning about something that is very important to your safety and well-being and is very self-centered <_<
OR
he read it and is just not very bright :unsure:
OR
has terrible eating habits and has a "gluten-jones" himself!

.... and if you two DO become serious, he will have a heart attack by 45 and leave you a widow with a bunch of kids.

He seems like he is more interested in what HE wants.

Sorry, kiddo, but I think it is time to find someone who PUTS YOU first and takes the time to learn about your disease/dietary needs. If he can't do this, he won't compromise on other things in your relationship either.

IMHO, of course!
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"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way we cope with it makes the difference." Virginia Satir

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Misdiagnosed for 25+ years; Finally Diagnosed with Celiac  11/01/10.  Double DQ2 genes. This thing tried to kill me. I view Celiac as a fire breathing dragon --and I have run my sword right through his throat.
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#12 Jetamio

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 08:53 AM

Thank you everyone! I really needed to hear all this. I think you are right. I've been gluten free almost two months and I'm still healing and learning. I'm still pretty tired and wiped out some days. The folks I work with have been super supportive and even look up things online before offering my things so they know I can have them. I was hoping to see that from the person I was dating :( I know that it might be a lot of information for him (it has been for me!) but at the same time, I had hoped he'd want to support me in this or at least do his best so I don't get sick. He's a smart guy so I know he could understand this. I don't want to expect too much but this is my health! Thank you all!
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Dairy free since 2010
Gluten free 2/2012 after off the charts positive blood test
Soy and MSG sensitive
Have opted not to biopsy right now.

#13 carlao

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 12:18 PM

You pick the restaurants!

My DH is a biology professor, and while he knows the chemical and molecular structures of carbs, fats, and proteins, somehow he can't transfer that knowledge to actual food! :lol:
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#14 IrishHeart

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:38 PM

I've been gluten free almost two months and I'm still healing and learning. I'm still pretty tired and wiped out some days. The folks I work with have been super supportive and even look up things online before offering my things so they know I can have them. I was hoping to see that from the person I was dating :(


It's still early in the healing process, hang in there! I have days when I am tired and wiped out and I'm a "veteran". :lol:

You have some supportive people in your life and that is a very good thing. You sound like a very wise woman and you deserve a supportive, understanding mate. In the meantime, take good care of YOU!

Best wishes, IH
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"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way we cope with it makes the difference." Virginia Satir

"The strongest of all warriors are these two - time and patience." Leo Tolstoy

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else" Booker T. Washington

“If idiots could fly, the sky would be like an airport.”― Laura Davenport 

"LTES"  Gem 2014

 

Misdiagnosed for 25+ years; Finally Diagnosed with Celiac  11/01/10.  Double DQ2 genes. This thing tried to kill me. I view Celiac as a fire breathing dragon --and I have run my sword right through his throat.
I. Win. bliss-smiley-emoticon.gif


#15 catsmeow

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Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:35 AM

Dump him and find a guy who treats you better. The ones I date let ME pick the restaurant, wouldn't dream of trying to push food on me, and pretty much do all they can to support my food restrictions.

I find that a gluten-free diet is a really handy built-in jerk detector. :lol:



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Wheat Allergy-April 2010
Gluten Intolerant-April 2010
Dairy/casien intolerant-Aug 2012
Lactose intolerant- Aug 2012
Soy Intolerant-November 2012
October 2012- I learned that I am 1/2 Irish with a strong family history of Gluten Intolerance/Celiacs. I will never know If I am Celiac because I will never eat gluten again in order to test postive, it's poison and I do not ever want to feel the way I felt before implementing the gluten free diet EVER again!!!


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