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A Joke For Today
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76 posts in this topic

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> After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

>

> He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

>

> She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

>

> He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,

> and Hot".

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> She smiled happily and said ...

> "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

>

> He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

>

> The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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Saw this on FB. From Perpetual Kid. Not exactly a joke but a funny idea:

This weekend, you should try walking into a store all panicked and ask what year it is. When they respond with 2012, smile... start laughing uncontrollably and start screaming, "IT WORKED!!! IT WORKED!!!" If you can capture this on video, even better.

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Saw this on FB. From Perpetual Kid. Not exactly a joke but a funny idea:

This weekend, you should try walking into a store all panicked and ask what year it is. When they respond with 2012, smile... start laughing uncontrollably and start screaming, "IT WORKED!!! IT WORKED!!!" If you can capture this on video, even better.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'll do it!!! you know I will....

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:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'll do it!!! you know I will....

Piece of advice- will be more effective with torn clothing and sticks&twigs in your hair. Just sayin....

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Or clothes from the past. Like little house on the prairie or 1920s flapper

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Funny you mention this!!!

today, (because it was more fun than Spring cleaning <_< )...I was thinking of going with the flapper outfit from when I played Flo in the musical "Good News"....boa and all.

Think it'll work??

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An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

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A feel good video for the day:

I guarantee you will be amazed. She's NINETY FOUR!

For all you dancers out there

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO ENJOY LIFE:)

Mathilda's Solo, something to look forward to?

And she is 94 now!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=8LOdmka4_90

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OMG, that little lady is wonderful!!! Hat off to her. :)

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Hey, how did you get your hands on that video of me?.....they said it would not be posted on youtube!!!

:lol:

That chick is SOMETHING!! Rock on, sister!

My parents danced like that. Elegant. Graceful. sigh.

I dance like that, but hubs....er, does not. Two left feet.

He says, you do all the work, babe. So, I dance around him. :lol:

That's right, SQUIRMY, you are never too old to dance.

I still dance, even when I am extra ouchy.

It's good for the soul. :)

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I can't keep still when the music moves me! And the music moves me ---- well, anytime I hear music!laugh.gif

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That reminds me of a coworker I had who complained all the time. He would use that old saying, the squeaky wheel always gets the grease? I got sick of it one day and told him that sometimes the squeaky wheel gets rePLACED. He got fired a week later... :D

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sometimes the squeaky wheel gets rePLACED. He got fired a week later... :D

:lol: :lol:

sometimes, the universe just rights itself, doesn't it??

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Heard this one today.

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson

that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to

sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he

died.

He left behind 14 children

30 grandchildren

45 great-grandchildren

25 great-great-grandchildren, and a

15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

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laugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.gif
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GOOD: At Houma, a policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

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GOOD: At Houma, a policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Good ones! :D

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's a good thing it wasn't me driving that car when he said that.

I may not have known to leave well enough alone.

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Ditto that IH.

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    • Hi, Ok good advice and I am sincere when I say how much I appreciate a lot of the responses, advice and encouragement that have been posted here. I'm not sure what a nutrionist is but a dietician (here in the U.K.) is a heavily regulated medical profession and my dietician is based most of her week in a hospital where doctors and MD's as they are known refer patients to her for help. She works every day with celiacs, dh sufferers and people with crohns, ibs etc and seeing my skin, listened to what I was saying (particularly about how my redness and blisters resolved on a gluten free (though not wheat free) diet for several years, and sent a report to my doctor/MD requesting a battery of tests - tests that can indicate dh, celiac and associated complications. I also have a friend with a wheat allergy and two with celiac (all diagnosed) and they are encouraging me to go ahead with getting these particular tests. So that's great but reading the above quote that suggests that situations like sharing an oven used to cook gluten-containing pizza, should not cause a gluten reaction. I thought, my god what's the point of going through these tests if my recent reactions aren't actually to do with gluten. Although my dietician is concerned about possible dh and has been through years of medical school, I also really trust the advice of an advanced member on this site and if they think oven-sharing shouldn't cause any gluten reaction, what hope do I have with an MD? It has taken me years to pluck up the confidence to ask for any medical help because I feared that sort of response along with a focus on psychological issues and hormones etc early on in the thread (even though, I only started feeling depressed since yesterday). Actually, I'm a mental health nurse so it's good to see people are alert to these issues but I am also pretty familiar with depression and I know that many people with physical health problems are fobbed off by doctors with talk of depression, stress, and hormones. I'm sorry that I took the (above) quote to heart and I know that I allowed that to colour my perception of the whole thread, which has been helpful in many ways. Best wishes to you all, even those I didn't agree with! Rhian 
    • I thought maybe doing a trial period to see if he reacts positively to being gluten free and then adding it back to see if symptoms come back would maybe be helpful to the doctor? But I guess that's true, it might skew things regarding any future tests that might be warranted. 
    • If you haven't had her tested yet please do not go gluten free. Get the celiac testing first as if she does feel better gluten free when she has to go back on gluten for testing she may have much worse symptoms.  There will also be a higher risk of false negatives.
    • I did not mean to imply that you should put him on a gluten free diet.    If you suspect a problem with gluten, please get an opinion from a GI who is celiac savvy.  All celiac testing requires a patient to be consuming gluten.  The slightly equivocal TTG?  That warrants a gene test at the very least.   http://www.mayomedicallaboratories.com/it-mmfiles/Celiac_Disease_Diagnostic_Testing_Algorithm.pdf  
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