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Deeply Frustrating LGBT Issue


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23 replies to this topic

#1 tuxedocat

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 09:54 PM

Hi folks -

First of all, I'm gluten intolerant and also sensitive to soy. Also have Graves Disease. I find that I experience fewer symptoms and am able to stay off of meds as long as I'm gluten free, and want to avoid getting radioactive iodine ablation. I tested negative for celiac, but my doctor still felt I was best staying off of gluten, and I get brainfoggy and have migraines, joint pain, breakouts and stomach issues when I have it. I have never had the biopsy (I'm on county health and it's hard to get my doctors to ever take me seriously). I feel better taking my health into my own hands with my nutrition than I've felt trying to get them to take all of my nagging complaints seriously.

Secondly... I'm a lesbian.

Thirdly... I seem to not be able to meet anyone who is not a vegetarian or vegan (who is only interested in vegetarians/vegans), and when I do, it's so rare that it ends up being the only thing we have in common. I literally can't even consider being vegetarian or vegan because there'd be nothing left for me to eat!!

I feel like I'm constantly having to defend my choice to not be vegetarian, to other lesbians.

I came out in my 30s and it was never this hard before. First of all, I was in a relationship when I first started finding out I had gluten issues (actually I joined this board in 07, while we were together); she was very supportive. However, she and I since broke up.

Previous to that, men usually didn't care that I didn't have the same eating habits (I struggled trying different diets over the years, was healthy on Atkins for two years, before being suspected of celiac and going gluten-free); they were "meh, okay, whatever". It's the only thing I miss about dating men, is how easygoing they were about everything and how they were almost always "okay" with me having different life choices. Women tend to want me to be a total match, men didn't care. I tried dating men again after my girlfriend and I broke up, just because it was easier, and discovered, yep, I'm gay.

Vegetarianism somehow has managed to be deeply entwined with the lesbian subculture and it seems like every lesbian I meet seems to only want to be with a vegetarian. Somehow, it's almost like you're a bad lesbian if you eat meat!!

I tried being veg years ago and I got VERY sick because of the wheat/soy issues. I visit raw vegan restaurants because it's a great way to have gluten free options and eat yummy desserts, but it's not really a sustainable lifestyle for me.

I've literally lost years of my life to this issue before I finally found out what was wrong - all the years of failing classes and lost jobs while I struggled with brainfog so bad that I would collide with people, crash cars, and couldn't string a sentence together coherently. I spent most of my life in a fog. Even being in a psychiatric day program before I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG. Imagine finding out after years of thinking otherwise that I'm not autistic! I'm starting over at 38 in a life place where most are at 22.

I really, really want to find a kind soul out there who understands - but it can't be all we have in common, either. I am open to being with someone who has a health issue or a disability because I feel like I can't deal with explaining too many things to someone who hasn't had their own challenges, it's too frustrating.
  • 0
2007 - dx'd with Graves' Disease
Suspected DH (no biopsy)
Tested negative for celiac (after gluten free two months)

2012 - Gluten free again after suggestion it might help my thyroid symptoms. Many strange one-off symptoms cleared up. Brain fog gone.

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#2 pricklypear1971

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 10:08 PM

Have you tried online dating sites? At least there you can sometimes see if people scream out "I'm veggie and proud!"?

I understand how it feels to start over, at least career-wise. And I guess emotionally, too. I have a great husband and son (okay, he's great when he isn't having a gluten/milk meltdown)....but as far as my goals and dreams...they just got lost there in the haze. Part of it is life, the other part is autoimmune life.

All I can say is when you meet the right person it will fall into place. You'll know it. And she'll be fine with you chowing down on pig knuckles because that's what you do. And if she eats tofu (yuck) you'll put up with her.

But she has to brush her teeth after a beer, because I got glutened that way and it sucks.
  • 1
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
.
Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#3 tuxedocat

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 10:18 PM

Have you tried online dating sites? At least there you can sometimes see if people scream out "I'm veggie and proud!"?

I understand how it feels to start over, at least career-wise. And I guess emotionally, too. I have a great husband and son (okay, he's great when he isn't having a gluten/milk meltdown)....but as far as my goals and dreams...they just got lost there in the haze. Part of it is life, the other part is autoimmune life.

All I can say is when you meet the right person it will fall into place. You'll know it. And she'll be fine with you chowing down on pig knuckles because that's what you do. And if she eats tofu (yuck) you'll put up with her.

But she has to brush her teeth after a beer, because I got glutened that way and it sucks.


This is somewhere where it was definitely easier when I was in a relationship. I didn't have to negotiate the singles scene and eating out and it was okay to beg out of more social events.

It seems to dominantly be an "online dating" issue. Due to geographic issues, online is my main way to meet people. I am sure that if I met women in person - they'd have a chance to actually know me as a person and then negotiate our kitchen space after we were already a couple, as opposed to reading that I'm not a vegetarian and not bothering to read the rest of my profile. Heck, my favorite restaurant is a raw vegan restaurant because I can eat practically anything and everything there, they have no grain on the premises. I guess I'm a flexitarian and most of the "flesh" I eat is fish and seafood. But... I just can't go all the way and go full veg, and that's not enough for most of the militant vegetarians.

It's frustrating to feel like I can't even MEET the right person if she's not willing to even meet me. I may be meeting someone next week who is also gluten free, but I can't even figure out what else we have in common!

Pig knuckles, meh :)

Funny about beer - at least I don't miss that, because I never liked it to begin with.
  • 0
2007 - dx'd with Graves' Disease
Suspected DH (no biopsy)
Tested negative for celiac (after gluten free two months)

2012 - Gluten free again after suggestion it might help my thyroid symptoms. Many strange one-off symptoms cleared up. Brain fog gone.

#4 pricklypear1971

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 10:28 PM

Wow. So vegetarians prefer online dating. That's an interesting demographic.

Met my hubs online - but that was an aol chat room prior to online dating sites. He was the only one that didn't ask my measurements....so I finally emailed with him, then talked to him, cancelled at least one date - til he finally wore me down. He's persistent.

What about speed dating? Hobby groups? Meetup groups? What about Celiac groups??? Celiacs tend to prefer Celiacs (even when they don't know the other is Celiac).

Hey, what about this one? http://www.singleswi...s.com/index.php
  • 0
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
.
Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#5 pricklypear1971

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 10:38 PM

Another thing - and I don't know if you already have it listed - but perhaps put Celiac in your dating profile? That way others could find you?

That could go either way, but it is segmented marketing (I mean geez, if they're listing vegetarianism why the heck not?).
  • 0
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
.
Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#6 tuxedocat

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 10:45 PM

Another thing - and I don't know if you already have it listed - but perhaps put Celiac in your dating profile? That way others could find you?

That could go either way, but it is segmented marketing (I mean geez, if they're listing vegetarianism why the heck not?).


I took a look at that site and it's mostly straight people!

You're right. There must be something I can do with my keywords on OKCupid so that I can be found when people do targeted searches.

It's so weird - the stereotype is that women are more accepting and nurturing but I actually found men easier to deal with because they're just... well, more easygoing.
  • 0
2007 - dx'd with Graves' Disease
Suspected DH (no biopsy)
Tested negative for celiac (after gluten free two months)

2012 - Gluten free again after suggestion it might help my thyroid symptoms. Many strange one-off symptoms cleared up. Brain fog gone.

#7 pricklypear1971

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 10:51 PM

Sorry, it was the only one I could find.

It is probably worth a try to see if Celiac attracts.

Yes, men are so much easier to get along with. Estrogen en masse makes me want vodka.
  • 0
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
.
Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#8 dani nero

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 01:51 AM

Aww.. this can't be easy :-(
I always knew gals were more picky than men, but not to this extent. There have to be other gals like you somewhere, maybe in a different town? Look for someone in a town you don't mind moving to maybe?

I do feel your frustration! The country I grew up in didn't have a single guy I could see myself having a life with! Women were expected to do everything in the house even if they were working, and the guy wouldn't lift a finger in the house.. so spoiled! I thought I would end up being single for the rest of my life, but I met my hubs on World of Warcraft! We both liked gaming and art.. which was why we hit it off directly. He was always interested in whatever I drew :-P so maybe it would be easier for you to meet a lady who also likes meat in a place where things revolve around cooking?

The world is huge.. if the ladies where you live have a thing for vegan, don't dismiss the possibility of finding someone elsewhere.
  • 0
Self diagnosed January 2012, and on elimination, low-salicylate & low-iodine diet.
Also G6PD

#9 sandsurfgirl

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 06:12 AM

Dating is just plain hard no matter what your circumstance. It takes time and a bit of luck to meet someone you want to spend years with and are compatible with.

I can't fathom how anybody can be vegetarian and celiac. It would be so very hard.

My advice is to just date casually and not have expectations that are too high. There's that old saying that you find the right person when you aren't really looking and I think it's true. The right person may surprise you and end up being someone you wouldn't have thought you would date.
  • 2
Lots of doctors diagnosed me with lots of things including IBS, lactose intolerance, wheat intolerance, and quite a few of them threw up their hands in total confusion.

Had GI symptoms, allergy symptoms and unexplained illness my whole life.

Jan. 2010 Diagnosed celiac at the age of 40.
Ready to get well and get on with my life!

#10 Jestgar

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 06:42 AM

I have nothing helpful to add, I just wanted to say

I feel like I'm constantly having to defend my choice to not be vegetarian, to other lesbians.

Geez Louise! Life has enough problems that we can't control, seems like we should be able to respect each others choices when we're already defending ourselves against a majority population that doesn't get it. Sorry you aren't finding understanding people in one of your communities. :(
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#11 Googles

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 06:49 AM

Hello.
I have the same worries. Since the lesbian dating scene is already so much smaller than the straight dating scene it makes it a lot harder. I'm afraid I wont be able to find anyone who will be willing to go gluten free at home which I am going to need to have that to stay healthy. And how do you deal with things with like the other person's lipstick? Please pick one that is gluten free (here are some options) or wash it off if you want to get close to me? :blink: How do straight guys do it? Anyone?

Do you have to put on the website that you eat meat? Are people avoiding your profile even though you don't have this information? Do you have a friend who could look over your profile and let you know if there is anything else you can change? If there are meet up groups where you live (or something similar-some are glbt specific) I would suggest trying something like this as then people will get the chance to know you before the issue of what type of food you eat comes up.

Good luck.
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#12 kareng

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 06:53 AM

It's so weird - the stereotype is that women are more accepting and nurturing but I actually found men easier to deal with because they're just... well, more easygoing.



Most men are just happy if you feed them almost anything!
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#13 Jestgar

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 08:00 AM

Most men are just happy if you feed them almost anything!

preferably something meat-based, in my experience...
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"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"
- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.

#14 tuxedocat

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 09:39 AM

Seriously - women are VERY picky.

Part of it is that women are picky and part of it is that our subculture also has its own issues... the lesbian community has a particular ideal that IMO is probably hard for a lot of women to live up to - we have to be healthy and fit and badass and independent and professional; you have to be "equal" and I'm really only equal to someone who has a history of being sick as well, or has other issues. I found that men pretty much took me as I was and also, my body type (very retro curvy; I'm built like Joan from "Mad Men") was attractive to many men, whereas it doesn't really fit the skinny or athletic androgynous lesbian ideal. I dress femininely not because I'm "femme" but because skirts and dresses are the best look for my body type and I feel confident this way.

I'm kind of discouraged with regard to dating, because all I really seem to attract are people whose lives are even more of a mess than mine is. At least I'm trying to fix my mess. The reason I'm NOT professional is because I've literally spent most of my life being sick (in ways that manifested via neuro issues). I'm in school right now with the idea of becoming a therapist, but I've had a lot of setbacks on the way to discovering I had a gluten problem.

I am so tired of the snootiness I encounter from women who "have it all together" that it's almost preferable to me to be with someone who has had some kind of challenge to surmount.
  • 0
2007 - dx'd with Graves' Disease
Suspected DH (no biopsy)
Tested negative for celiac (after gluten free two months)

2012 - Gluten free again after suggestion it might help my thyroid symptoms. Many strange one-off symptoms cleared up. Brain fog gone.

#15 Jestgar

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Posted 15 May 2012 - 10:47 AM

I'm kind of discouraged with regard to dating, because all I really seem to attract are people whose lives are even more of a mess than mine is..

Based on my experience in life, this suggests to me that you aren't quite ready for a healthy relationship yourself. I've noticed for myself, that I tend to attract/be attracted to people that are in the same stage of life/growth that I am. The healthier I get, the healthier people I attract (emotionally).

Work on being who you are, and dressing the way you want, and setting up your life to be the way you want it -without a partner. When you are fully settled in your own skin, you'll meet the people that like you for who you are, regardless of what you eat.
  • 1
"But then, in all honesty, if scientists don't play god, who will?"
- James Watson

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

Leap, and the net will appear.


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