Deeply Frustrating LGBT Issue

[tuxedocat]

Hi folks -

First of all, I'm gluten intolerant and also sensitive to soy. Also have Graves Disease. I find that I experience fewer symptoms and am able to stay off of meds as long as I'm gluten free, and want to avoid getting radioactive iodine ablation. I tested negative for celiac, but my doctor still felt I was best staying off of gluten, and I get brainfoggy and have migraines, joint pain, breakouts and stomach issues when I have it. I have never had the biopsy (I'm on county health and it's hard to get my doctors to ever take me seriously). I feel better taking my health into my own hands with my nutrition than I've felt trying to get them to take all of my nagging complaints seriously.

Secondly... I'm a lesbian.

Thirdly... I seem to not be able to meet anyone who is not a vegetarian or vegan (who is only interested in vegetarians/vegans), and when I do, it's so rare that it ends up being the only thing we have in common. I literally can't even consider being vegetarian or vegan because there'd be nothing left for me to eat!!

I feel like I'm constantly having to defend my choice to not be vegetarian, to other lesbians.

I came out in my 30s and it was never this hard before. First of all, I was in a relationship when I first started finding out I had gluten issues (actually I joined this board in 07, while we were together); she was very supportive. However, she and I since broke up.

Previous to that, men usually didn't care that I didn't have the same eating habits (I struggled trying different diets over the years, was healthy on Atkins for two years, before being suspected of celiac and going gluten-free); they were "meh, okay, whatever". It's the only thing I miss about dating men, is how easygoing they were about everything and how they were almost always "okay" with me having different life choices. Women tend to want me to be a total match, men didn't care. I tried dating men again after my girlfriend and I broke up, just because it was easier, and discovered, yep, I'm gay.

Vegetarianism somehow has managed to be deeply entwined with the lesbian subculture and it seems like every lesbian I meet seems to only want to be with a vegetarian. Somehow, it's almost like you're a bad lesbian if you eat meat!!

I tried being veg years ago and I got VERY sick because of the wheat/soy issues. I visit raw vegan restaurants because it's a great way to have gluten free options and eat yummy desserts, but it's not really a sustainable lifestyle for me.

I've literally lost years of my life to this issue before I finally found out what was wrong - all the years of failing classes and lost jobs while I struggled with brainfog so bad that I would collide with people, crash cars, and couldn't string a sentence together coherently. I spent most of my life in a fog. Even being in a psychiatric day program before I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG. Imagine finding out after years of thinking otherwise that I'm not autistic! I'm starting over at 38 in a life place where most are at 22.

I really, really want to find a kind soul out there who understands - but it can't be all we have in common, either. I am open to being with someone who has a health issue or a disability because I feel like I can't deal with explaining too many things to someone who hasn't had their own challenges, it's too frustrating.

[pricklypear1971]

Have you tried online dating sites? At least there you can sometimes see if people scream out "I'm veggie and proud!"?

I understand how it feels to start over, at least career-wise. And I guess emotionally, too. I have a great husband and son (okay, he's great when he isn't having a gluten/milk meltdown)....but as far as my goals and dreams...they just got lost there in the haze. Part of it is life, the other part is autoimmune life.

All I can say is when you meet the right person it will fall into place. You'll know it. And she'll be fine with you chowing down on pig knuckles because that's what you do. And if she eats tofu (yuck) you'll put up with her.

But she has to brush her teeth after a beer, because I got glutened that way and it sucks.

[tuxedocat]

Have you tried online dating sites? At least there you can sometimes see if people scream out "I'm veggie and proud!"?

I understand how it feels to start over, at least career-wise. And I guess emotionally, too. I have a great husband and son (okay, he's great when he isn't having a gluten/milk meltdown)....but as far as my goals and dreams...they just got lost there in the haze. Part of it is life, the other part is autoimmune life.

All I can say is when you meet the right person it will fall into place. You'll know it. And she'll be fine with you chowing down on pig knuckles because that's what you do. And if she eats tofu (yuck) you'll put up with her.

But she has to brush her teeth after a beer, because I got glutened that way and it sucks.

This is somewhere where it was definitely easier when I was in a relationship. I didn't have to negotiate the singles scene and eating out and it was okay to beg out of more social events.

It seems to dominantly be an "online dating" issue. Due to geographic issues, online is my main way to meet people. I am sure that if I met women in person - they'd have a chance to actually know me as a person and then negotiate our kitchen space after we were already a couple, as opposed to reading that I'm not a vegetarian and not bothering to read the rest of my profile. Heck, my favorite restaurant is a raw vegan restaurant because I can eat practically anything and everything there, they have no grain on the premises. I guess I'm a flexitarian and most of the "flesh" I eat is fish and seafood. But... I just can't go all the way and go full veg, and that's not enough for most of the militant vegetarians.

It's frustrating to feel like I can't even MEET the right person if she's not willing to even meet me. I may be meeting someone next week who is also gluten free, but I can't even figure out what else we have in common!

Pig knuckles, meh

Funny about beer - at least I don't miss that, because I never liked it to begin with.

[pricklypear1971]

Wow. So vegetarians prefer online dating. That's an interesting demographic.

Met my hubs online - but that was an aol chat room prior to online dating sites. He was the only one that didn't ask my measurements....so I finally emailed with him, then talked to him, cancelled at least one date - til he finally wore me down. He's persistent.

What about speed dating? Hobby groups? Meetup groups? What about Celiac groups??? Celiacs tend to prefer Celiacs (even when they don't know the other is Celiac).

Hey, what about this one? Open Original Shared Link

[pricklypear1971]

Another thing - and I don't know if you already have it listed - but perhaps put Celiac in your dating profile? That way others could find you?

That could go either way, but it is segmented marketing (I mean geez, if they're listing vegetarianism why the heck not?).

[tuxedocat]

Another thing - and I don't know if you already have it listed - but perhaps put Celiac in your dating profile? That way others could find you?

That could go either way, but it is segmented marketing (I mean geez, if they're listing vegetarianism why the heck not?).

I took a look at that site and it's mostly straight people!

You're right. There must be something I can do with my keywords on OKCupid so that I can be found when people do targeted searches.

It's so weird - the stereotype is that women are more accepting and nurturing but I actually found men easier to deal with because they're just... well, more easygoing.

[pricklypear1971]

Sorry, it was the only one I could find.

It is probably worth a try to see if Celiac attracts.

Yes, men are so much easier to get along with. Estrogen en masse makes me want vodka.

[dani nero]

Aww.. this can't be easy :-(

I always knew gals were more picky than men, but not to this extent. There have to be other gals like you somewhere, maybe in a different town? Look for someone in a town you don't mind moving to maybe?

I do feel your frustration! The country I grew up in didn't have a single guy I could see myself having a life with! Women were expected to do everything in the house even if they were working, and the guy wouldn't lift a finger in the house.. so spoiled! I thought I would end up being single for the rest of my life, but I met my hubs on World of Warcraft! We both liked gaming and art.. which was why we hit it off directly. He was always interested in whatever I drew :-P so maybe it would be easier for you to meet a lady who also likes meat in a place where things revolve around cooking?

The world is huge.. if the ladies where you live have a thing for vegan, don't dismiss the possibility of finding someone elsewhere.

[sandsurfgirl]

Dating is just plain hard no matter what your circumstance. It takes time and a bit of luck to meet someone you want to spend years with and are compatible with.

I can't fathom how anybody can be vegetarian and celiac. It would be so very hard.

My advice is to just date casually and not have expectations that are too high. There's that old saying that you find the right person when you aren't really looking and I think it's true. The right person may surprise you and end up being someone you wouldn't have thought you would date.

[Jestgar]

I have nothing helpful to add, I just wanted to say

I feel like I'm constantly having to defend my choice to not be vegetarian, to other lesbians.

Geez Louise! Life has enough problems that we can't control, seems like we should be able to respect each others choices when we're already defending ourselves against a majority population that doesn't get it. Sorry you aren't finding understanding people in one of your communities.

[Googles]

Hello.

I have the same worries. Since the lesbian dating scene is already so much smaller than the straight dating scene it makes it a lot harder. I'm afraid I wont be able to find anyone who will be willing to go gluten free at home which I am going to need to have that to stay healthy. And how do you deal with things with like the other person's lipstick? Please pick one that is gluten free (here are some options) or wash it off if you want to get close to me? How do straight guys do it? Anyone?

Do you have to put on the website that you eat meat? Are people avoiding your profile even though you don't have this information? Do you have a friend who could look over your profile and let you know if there is anything else you can change? If there are meet up groups where you live (or something similar-some are glbt specific) I would suggest trying something like this as then people will get the chance to know you before the issue of what type of food you eat comes up.

Good luck.

[kareng]

It's so weird - the stereotype is that women are more accepting and nurturing but I actually found men easier to deal with because they're just... well, more easygoing.

Most men are just happy if you feed them almost anything!

[Jestgar]

Most men are just happy if you feed them almost anything!

preferably something meat-based, in my experience...

[tuxedocat]

Seriously - women are VERY picky.

Part of it is that women are picky and part of it is that our subculture also has its own issues... the lesbian community has a particular ideal that IMO is probably hard for a lot of women to live up to - we have to be healthy and fit and badass and independent and professional; you have to be "equal" and I'm really only equal to someone who has a history of being sick as well, or has other issues. I found that men pretty much took me as I was and also, my body type (very retro curvy; I'm built like Joan from "Mad Men") was attractive to many men, whereas it doesn't really fit the skinny or athletic androgynous lesbian ideal. I dress femininely not because I'm "femme" but because skirts and dresses are the best look for my body type and I feel confident this way.

I'm kind of discouraged with regard to dating, because all I really seem to attract are people whose lives are even more of a mess than mine is. At least I'm trying to fix my mess. The reason I'm NOT professional is because I've literally spent most of my life being sick (in ways that manifested via neuro issues). I'm in school right now with the idea of becoming a therapist, but I've had a lot of setbacks on the way to discovering I had a gluten problem.

I am so tired of the snootiness I encounter from women who "have it all together" that it's almost preferable to me to be with someone who has had some kind of challenge to surmount.

[Jestgar]

I'm kind of discouraged with regard to dating, because all I really seem to attract are people whose lives are even more of a mess than mine is..

Based on my experience in life, this suggests to me that you aren't quite ready for a healthy relationship yourself. I've noticed for myself, that I tend to attract/be attracted to people that are in the same stage of life/growth that I am. The healthier I get, the healthier people I attract (emotionally).

Work on being who you are, and dressing the way you want, and setting up your life to be the way you want it -without a partner. When you are fully settled in your own skin, you'll meet the people that like you for who you are, regardless of what you eat.

[dani nero]

Seriously - women are VERY picky.

Part of it is that women are picky and part of it is that our subculture also has its own issues... the lesbian community has a particular ideal that IMO is probably hard for a lot of women to live up to - we have to be healthy and fit and badass and independent and professional; you have to be "equal" and I'm really only equal to someone who has a history of being sick as well, or has other issues. I found that men pretty much took me as I was and also, my body type (very retro curvy; I'm built like Joan from "Mad Men") was attractive to many men, whereas it doesn't really fit the skinny or athletic androgynous lesbian ideal. I dress femininely not because I'm "femme" but because skirts and dresses are the best look for my body type and I feel confident this way.

I'm kind of discouraged with regard to dating, because all I really seem to attract are people whose lives are even more of a mess than mine is. At least I'm trying to fix my mess. The reason I'm NOT professional is because I've literally spent most of my life being sick (in ways that manifested via neuro issues). I'm in school right now with the idea of becoming a therapist, but I've had a lot of setbacks on the way to discovering I had a gluten problem.

I am so tired of the snootiness I encounter from women who "have it all together" that it's almost preferable to me to be with someone who has had some kind of challenge to surmount.

You might be happier focusing on the things you like to do and who you like to be rather than what others would accept you as. Wear a pretty dress and go out for a big juicy steak. You actually need someone who will like who you are in your life, so do what makes you happy, and if someone likes it, they're very welcome to share that life with you.

[tuxedocat]

Based on my experience in life, this suggests to me that you aren't quite ready for a healthy relationship yourself. I've noticed for myself, that I tend to attract/be attracted to people that are in the same stage of life/growth that I am. The healthier I get, the healthier people I attract (emotionally).

Work on being who you are, and dressing the way you want, and setting up your life to be the way you want it -without a partner. When you are fully settled in your own skin, you'll meet the people that like you for who you are, regardless of what you eat.

You know... that's a hundred percent true in my life experience, though it's a very depressing thought. I don't know how settled in my skin I will ever be - I didn't hit the usual milestones, and spent most of my adult life being sick, and sometimes have setbacks that throw me (like, was doing well in school until this semester, and started to be slammed by the brain fog again). Sometimes it's a comforting thought that if I manage to find a relationship, then at least I'll have THAT.

You're right - I really don't want to be with someone who is in my same life place. Been there and done that. My most recent ex was on the doctor-go-round/diagnosis-go-round, too. We ended up holding each other back and have respectively done much better since we split up.

Maybe I am fairly new in my realization that I have issues with being gluten intolerant, and right now the issue is a full time job and eventually it will get downgraded to a part time job. Maybe I'm not ready for anyone until I have a better handle on it and have an identity aside from being a "sick person".

Strangely, the thing that came closest to giving me that, was art - because I was able to do that when I could do almost nothing else, at times. That's inspired me to go to school to become an art therapist.

[pricklypear1971]

You know... that's a hundred percent true in my life experience, though it's a very depressing thought. I don't know how settled in my skin I will ever be - I didn't hit the usual milestones, and spent most of my adult life being sick, and sometimes have setbacks that throw me (like, was doing well in school until this semester, and started to be slammed by the brain fog again). Sometimes it's a comforting thought that if I manage to find a relationship, then at least I'll have THAT.

You're right - I really don't want to be with someone who is in my same life place. Been there and done that. My most recent ex was on the doctor-go-round/diagnosis-go-round, too. We ended up holding each other back and have respectively done much better since we split up.

Maybe I am fairly new in my realization that I have issues with being gluten intolerant, and right now the issue is a full time job and eventually it will get downgraded to a part time job. Maybe I'm not ready for anyone until I have a better handle on it and have an identity aside from being a "sick person".

Strangely, the thing that came closest to giving me that, was art - because I was able to do that when I could do almost nothing else, at times. That's inspired me to go to school to become an art therapist.

You know, it may feel lonely but it doesn't have to be. Focus on YOU. Make new friends and yes - that full-time job of rebuilding your life. When that person comes along, well, it will fall into place. I know you're saying "easy for you" but NO. NOT. I am HORRIBLE at letting people into my life. Terrible. I lock it down so tight it's like a prison.

Coming up on one year gluten-free. I'm just now hitting the point where I'm restless and ready to greet the world. I'm past the first stage - shock and anger (ok, most of the anger) and on to spreading my wings as this new creature.

My life today is nothing like I planned 20 years ago. But you know what - that's ok. Live and learn.

Yeah - the last 10 years my career has been nowhere near what I wanted. But quite frankly when I was doing "what I wanted" before that I wasn't enjoying it. I went through 400 misgivings this year - go back to school for a masters, new bachelors - what what what???!! In the end, ya know what - I think I chose the right field - I just need to find the right niche. And that makes me feel better.

And as far as feeling like you don't fit the stereotype that women want - well, screw 'em. That was me. I lived in TX where if you weren't blonde and skinny with big boobs you didn't get a glance. I married the first "nice guy" - and that was a flop because we weren't compatible like that. Okay, he was an idiot. I chose a non-threatening idiot so I wouldn't have to deal with my own issues.

Second time around I met a guy that literally made my brain freeze. It was literally love (okay, lust) at first sight. I couldn't believe he was attracted to me. Come to find out some tall dark Neanderthals like curvy green-eyed brunettes. The rest, as they say, is history.

So trust me, your lady is out there. You just have to be ready for her.

[123glldd]

I haven't read the whole thread but....yeesh! This is actually very shocking to me that there are just sooooooo many vegans like that. How did that happen? Very strange. Personally I'm not sure what one should do in this situation..in my opinion dating sites are usually a bad idea. I'm sure some people have found success with it so you don't have to give up on it but I've heard soooo many stories. That being said a gay friend of mine has been finding plenty of dating opportunities on OkCupid. Seems everyone today is so uncompromising though....relationships need a little bit of give and take. Me and my husband met over youtube....we were long distance but...not in the usual way for sure lol Do you have any interests where you go to any events that may have other ladies such as yourself?

[nursenation2]

My friend at work who is lesbian always got in trouble with her wife for going to lunch together because I was a bad influence, she would occasionally get a BLT. I am a definite MEAT eater. My first statement as a kid was "more meat". It definitely seems like that is a trend in the lgbt community to be vegan/vegetarian. But I digress. I agree with the above posts. Work on you, enjoy hobbies, you mentioned art, take an art class or work on your art. Enjoy wearing the clothes you like, eat what you like, do what makes you happy. Find YOURSELF, not what you think someone wants you to be. Once you like and love yourself, you will give off the confidence that attracts that right person. When you know who you are and love it, then someone else can love you too, even if that is a curvy celiac meat eating girl. Think of it this way, a salesman who truly believes in his/her product will be the high producer, same with dating. You will find someone sweetie, I really believe there is someone for everyone but I also truly believe that you have to love yourself before you ask someone to love you. Hugs though, I know its hard

[Jestgar]

Strangely, the thing that came closest to giving me that, was art - because I was able to do that when I could do almost nothing else, at times. That's inspired me to go to school to become an art therapist.

Well WE think you're pretty fabulous, we just need to convince YOU that you are fabulous - just the way you are.

[123glldd]

Yes for goodness sakes don't change yourself! Me and my husband made that mistake in past relationships...i think we all have at one time or another....baaad idea.

[psawyer]

Okay, I am so out of place here.

I am male.

I am heterosexual, married for 30 years (all to the same dear woman).

I am 57, a generation older than you are.

But as a moderator I have been reading this.

Your first obligation, as others have noted, is to be yourself. You need to be YOU.

I have noticed that there seem to be more women who are vegetarian or vegan than there are men, at least among those I have encountered.

To me, the decision to be vegan or vegetarian is a lifestyle choice. We all make them. We decide whether to eat meat, smoke, consume alcohol, eat fatty foods, it goes on. For those of us with celiac disease, the decision to eat gluten-free goes beyond that. Gluten is poison to us. It is not a lifestyle choice. It is a life-or-slow-death decision.

Define yourself as what you are. Do not be intimidated by others. Somewhere out there there is a a soul mate who shares your diet and your orientation. You will find her, or she will find you.

[WendyK]

I'm a female and have been single for over 12 years. I was married for twelve years and we have two wonderful daughters. I, too, am very frustrated with the dating scene. Dating for 12 years and not finding a man who works for me is frustrating. I don't even bring in the whole special diet piece. I am very independent and strong so it doesn't matter to me if I ever find "him". I find that any kind of relationship is challenging (siblings, parents, female friends, male friends and the "special someone"). I have pretty much given up as I don't want to compromise my freedom. I really don't want to end up making constant compromises to live with someone. The daily grind of trying to make a relationship work is too boring for me. Please don't feel you are the only one who experiences disappointment in relationships, it doesn't matter if a person is gay or not. The challenges are every where. By all means, focus on your health. Don't worry about what others think. Just protect yourself. If you make a big deal of it then others will resist. If you take your own food to places and only explain yourself briefly and move on to another subject, it will be much easier. Trying to expect others to conform to your lifestyle will only cause a rift. I have two kids that are not on any special diet so I work around them on a daily basis. The positive thing for them is they will be aware and not afraid to try new foods in case in the future they need to do some type of special diet. They try many of my stuff and do like it. Most of the time I don't even tell people. I just bring what I can eat as a cover dish or look on-line before going to a restaurant to figure out what is considered safe for me. I am not only gluten sensitive but also dairy, soy and many other items. Once a person stops taking their situation so personally and expecting someone else to take on other peoples issues, then life is much better. Enjoy life doing the things that work for you. I've been at this special diet thing for eight months and it does become routine after a while and not such a big deal. I feel tons better so the effort is worth it.