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Deeply Frustrating LGBT Issue


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23 replies to this topic

#16 dani nero

 
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Posted 15 May 2012 - 12:04 PM

Seriously - women are VERY picky.

Part of it is that women are picky and part of it is that our subculture also has its own issues... the lesbian community has a particular ideal that IMO is probably hard for a lot of women to live up to - we have to be healthy and fit and badass and independent and professional; you have to be "equal" and I'm really only equal to someone who has a history of being sick as well, or has other issues. I found that men pretty much took me as I was and also, my body type (very retro curvy; I'm built like Joan from "Mad Men") was attractive to many men, whereas it doesn't really fit the skinny or athletic androgynous lesbian ideal. I dress femininely not because I'm "femme" but because skirts and dresses are the best look for my body type and I feel confident this way.

I'm kind of discouraged with regard to dating, because all I really seem to attract are people whose lives are even more of a mess than mine is. At least I'm trying to fix my mess. The reason I'm NOT professional is because I've literally spent most of my life being sick (in ways that manifested via neuro issues). I'm in school right now with the idea of becoming a therapist, but I've had a lot of setbacks on the way to discovering I had a gluten problem.

I am so tired of the snootiness I encounter from women who "have it all together" that it's almost preferable to me to be with someone who has had some kind of challenge to surmount.


You might be happier focusing on the things you like to do and who you like to be rather than what others would accept you as. Wear a pretty dress and go out for a big juicy steak. You actually need someone who will like who you are in your life, so do what makes you happy, and if someone likes it, they're very welcome to share that life with you.
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Self diagnosed January 2012, and on elimination, low-salicylate & low-iodine diet.
Also G6PD

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#17 tuxedocat

 
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Posted 15 May 2012 - 06:56 PM

Based on my experience in life, this suggests to me that you aren't quite ready for a healthy relationship yourself. I've noticed for myself, that I tend to attract/be attracted to people that are in the same stage of life/growth that I am. The healthier I get, the healthier people I attract (emotionally).

Work on being who you are, and dressing the way you want, and setting up your life to be the way you want it -without a partner. When you are fully settled in your own skin, you'll meet the people that like you for who you are, regardless of what you eat.


You know... that's a hundred percent true in my life experience, though it's a very depressing thought. I don't know how settled in my skin I will ever be - I didn't hit the usual milestones, and spent most of my adult life being sick, and sometimes have setbacks that throw me (like, was doing well in school until this semester, and started to be slammed by the brain fog again). Sometimes it's a comforting thought that if I manage to find a relationship, then at least I'll have THAT.

You're right - I really don't want to be with someone who is in my same life place. Been there and done that. My most recent ex was on the doctor-go-round/diagnosis-go-round, too. We ended up holding each other back and have respectively done much better since we split up.

Maybe I am fairly new in my realization that I have issues with being gluten intolerant, and right now the issue is a full time job and eventually it will get downgraded to a part time job. Maybe I'm not ready for anyone until I have a better handle on it and have an identity aside from being a "sick person".

Strangely, the thing that came closest to giving me that, was art - because I was able to do that when I could do almost nothing else, at times. That's inspired me to go to school to become an art therapist.
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2007 - dx'd with Graves' Disease
Suspected DH (no biopsy)
Tested negative for celiac (after gluten free two months)

2012 - Gluten free again after suggestion it might help my thyroid symptoms. Many strange one-off symptoms cleared up. Brain fog gone.

#18 pricklypear1971

 
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Posted 15 May 2012 - 07:20 PM

You know... that's a hundred percent true in my life experience, though it's a very depressing thought. I don't know how settled in my skin I will ever be - I didn't hit the usual milestones, and spent most of my adult life being sick, and sometimes have setbacks that throw me (like, was doing well in school until this semester, and started to be slammed by the brain fog again). Sometimes it's a comforting thought that if I manage to find a relationship, then at least I'll have THAT.

You're right - I really don't want to be with someone who is in my same life place. Been there and done that. My most recent ex was on the doctor-go-round/diagnosis-go-round, too. We ended up holding each other back and have respectively done much better since we split up.

Maybe I am fairly new in my realization that I have issues with being gluten intolerant, and right now the issue is a full time job and eventually it will get downgraded to a part time job. Maybe I'm not ready for anyone until I have a better handle on it and have an identity aside from being a "sick person".

Strangely, the thing that came closest to giving me that, was art - because I was able to do that when I could do almost nothing else, at times. That's inspired me to go to school to become an art therapist.


You know, it may feel lonely but it doesn't have to be. Focus on YOU. Make new friends and yes - that full-time job of rebuilding your life. When that person comes along, well, it will fall into place. I know you're saying "easy for you" but NO. NOT. I am HORRIBLE at letting people into my life. Terrible. I lock it down so tight it's like a prison.

Coming up on one year gluten-free. I'm just now hitting the point where I'm restless and ready to greet the world. I'm past the first stage - shock and anger (ok, most of the anger) and on to spreading my wings as this new creature.

My life today is nothing like I planned 20 years ago. But you know what - that's ok. Live and learn.

Yeah - the last 10 years my career has been nowhere near what I wanted. But quite frankly when I was doing "what I wanted" before that I wasn't enjoying it. I went through 400 misgivings this year - go back to school for a masters, new bachelors - what what what???!! In the end, ya know what - I think I chose the right field - I just need to find the right niche. And that makes me feel better.

And as far as feeling like you don't fit the stereotype that women want - well, screw 'em. That was me. I lived in TX where if you weren't blonde and skinny with big boobs you didn't get a glance. I married the first "nice guy" - and that was a flop because we weren't compatible like that. Okay, he was an idiot. I chose a non-threatening idiot so I wouldn't have to deal with my own issues.

Second time around I met a guy that literally made my brain freeze. It was literally love (okay, lust) at first sight. I couldn't believe he was attracted to me. Come to find out some tall dark Neanderthals like curvy green-eyed brunettes. The rest, as they say, is history.

So trust me, your lady is out there. You just have to be ready for her.
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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. ~ Mark Twain

Probable Endometriosis, in remission from childbirth since 2002.
Hashimoto's DX 2005.
Gluten-Free since 6/2011.
DH (and therefore Celiac) dx from ND
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Responsive to iodine withdrawal for DH (see quote, above).

Genetic tests reveal half DQ2, half DQ8 - I'm a weird bird!

#19 123glldd

 
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Posted 15 May 2012 - 07:38 PM

I haven't read the whole thread but....yeesh! This is actually very shocking to me that there are just sooooooo many vegans like that. How did that happen? Very strange. Personally I'm not sure what one should do in this situation..in my opinion dating sites are usually a bad idea. I'm sure some people have found success with it so you don't have to give up on it but I've heard soooo many stories. That being said a gay friend of mine has been finding plenty of dating opportunities on OkCupid. Seems everyone today is so uncompromising though....relationships need a little bit of give and take. Me and my husband met over youtube....we were long distance but...not in the usual way for sure lol Do you have any interests where you go to any events that may have other ladies such as yourself?
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#20 nursenation2

 
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Posted 15 May 2012 - 08:14 PM

My friend at work who is lesbian always got in trouble with her wife for going to lunch together because I was a bad influence, she would occasionally get a BLT. I am a definite MEAT eater. My first statement as a kid was "more meat". It definitely seems like that is a trend in the lgbt community to be vegan/vegetarian. But I digress. I agree with the above posts. Work on you, enjoy hobbies, you mentioned art, take an art class or work on your art. Enjoy wearing the clothes you like, eat what you like, do what makes you happy. Find YOURSELF, not what you think someone wants you to be. Once you like and love yourself, you will give off the confidence that attracts that right person. When you know who you are and love it, then someone else can love you too, even if that is a curvy celiac meat eating girl. Think of it this way, a salesman who truly believes in his/her product will be the high producer, same with dating. You will find someone sweetie, I really believe there is someone for everyone but I also truly believe that you have to love yourself before you ask someone to love you. Hugs though, I know its hard
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#21 Jestgar

 
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Posted 16 May 2012 - 05:43 AM

Strangely, the thing that came closest to giving me that, was art - because I was able to do that when I could do almost nothing else, at times. That's inspired me to go to school to become an art therapist.

Well WE think you're pretty fabulous, we just need to convince YOU that you are fabulous - just the way you are. :)
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#22 123glldd

 
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Posted 16 May 2012 - 05:27 PM

Yes for goodness sakes don't change yourself! Me and my husband made that mistake in past relationships...i think we all have at one time or another....baaad idea.
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#23 psawyer

 
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Posted 16 May 2012 - 06:43 PM

Okay, I am so out of place here. :blink:

I am male.
I am heterosexual, married for 30 years (all to the same dear woman).
I am 57, a generation older than you are.

But as a moderator I have been reading this.

Your first obligation, as others have noted, is to be yourself. You need to be YOU.

I have noticed that there seem to be more women who are vegetarian or vegan than there are men, at least among those I have encountered.

To me, the decision to be vegan or vegetarian is a lifestyle choice. We all make them. We decide whether to eat meat, smoke, consume alcohol, eat fatty foods, it goes on. For those of us with celiac disease, the decision to eat gluten-free goes beyond that. Gluten is poison to us. It is not a lifestyle choice. It is a life-or-slow-death decision.

Define yourself as what you are. Do not be intimidated by others. Somewhere out there there is a a soul mate who shares your diet and your orientation. You will find her, or she will find you.
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Peter
Diagnosis by biopsy of practically non-existent villi; gluten-free since July 2000.
Type 1 (autoimmune) diabetes diagnosed in March 1986
Markham, Ontario (borders on Toronto)

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#24 WendyK

 
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Posted 17 May 2012 - 06:06 AM

I'm a female and have been single for over 12 years. I was married for twelve years and we have two wonderful daughters. I, too, am very frustrated with the dating scene. Dating for 12 years and not finding a man who works for me is frustrating. I don't even bring in the whole special diet piece. I am very independent and strong so it doesn't matter to me if I ever find "him". I find that any kind of relationship is challenging (siblings, parents, female friends, male friends and the "special someone"). I have pretty much given up as I don't want to compromise my freedom. I really don't want to end up making constant compromises to live with someone. The daily grind of trying to make a relationship work is too boring for me. Please don't feel you are the only one who experiences disappointment in relationships, it doesn't matter if a person is gay or not. The challenges are every where. By all means, focus on your health. Don't worry about what others think. Just protect yourself. If you make a big deal of it then others will resist. If you take your own food to places and only explain yourself briefly and move on to another subject, it will be much easier. Trying to expect others to conform to your lifestyle will only cause a rift. I have two kids that are not on any special diet so I work around them on a daily basis. The positive thing for them is they will be aware and not afraid to try new foods in case in the future they need to do some type of special diet. They try many of my stuff and do like it. Most of the time I don't even tell people. I just bring what I can eat as a cover dish or look on-line before going to a restaurant to figure out what is considered safe for me. I am not only gluten sensitive but also dairy, soy and many other items. Once a person stops taking their situation so personally and expecting someone else to take on other peoples issues, then life is much better. Enjoy life doing the things that work for you. I've been at this special diet thing for eight months and it does become routine after a while and not such a big deal. I feel tons better so the effort is worth it.
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