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Just A Little Vent But Advice Would Be Apprciated


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22 replies to this topic

#1 moose07

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 12:57 AM

I know I don't post on here often but I'm thinking that you guys are the only ones who will understand this. Today I found out that the real reason my last boyfriend broke up with me is because I have celiacs and he knew it would affect him too. I'm no sad about the loss of this guy and obviously he isn't worth it but I'm heartbroken over his reasoning. I try so hard to make it so that my celiac's dosn't affect the people around me but I'm getting sick of doing that only to have them turn around and use the slight inconvience as a reason not to be around me. This was also a problem with my last roommate which is one of the reasons I live alone now. I just don't understand it and I'm so frustrated that I can't sleep. How does everyone else deal with this? Am I just being to sensitive? Should I just accept that people are jerks? I already isolate myself quite a bit because I'm shy but I'm not sure how many times I can be told I'm an inconvinence before I just give up and not form any new relationships at all. That sounds drastic I know. I'm just really frustrated, not sure where to go from here.
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#2 ChristineWas

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 03:55 AM

Even before I had celiac disease, feeling like a burden was something I wrestled with a lot. Now my diet makes me unavoidably high maintenance and the burden thing often haunts the back of my mind. So I can definitely relate.

A lot of people are jerks, it's true. They are so self-absorbed and self-focused that little inconveniences about the way other people have to live can cause them to push even slightly challenging situations away. But... this really isn't everyone.

I know it is hard at times, but I would really encourage you to keep putting yourself out there and taking the risk of relationship. I've had a few marvelous friends really support me in the fact that my diet is now fairly high maintenance. And I have been really surprised by who those amazing people have been. Believe me, supportive people are out there. And finding those people is worth all the risk of being snubbed again.

You might want to get involved with a local gluten intollerance group or something like that if there is one near you. Being able to relate with people who have been there and really understand is refreshing.

Anyway... that's my two cents. Sorry you've encountered so many quitters and jerks.
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#3 1desperateladysaved

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 05:58 AM

I have noticed that I judge my family (as negative) when they express the same ideas as I am feeling. We just want to be free to eat what we want. We don't want to have to consider our food so carefully when we leave the house. We want it to be how it used to be.

For me it is easy to see that eating gluten is not worth it, but for them they don't feel the pain. In a way they do, since I am irritable toward them at times.

I don't understand how eating gluten could be considered more important than a person one knows. I don't think many would admit to a conscience decision like that. It does seem like what you have experienced that very thing. I have felt isolation. I have felt unloveable. But I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I can keep going. But sometimes I need to be carried.

All people will fail. You need to find The Someone who won't.

DT
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#4 Adalaide

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 06:10 AM

Wow, what a jerk. I'm sort of a loner kind of person and always have been, so when I began to be isolate by my symptoms keeping me home it wasn't a big deal. Now that I don't want to do things like go watch a bunch of people eat at Kneaders or eat pizza, that isn't a big deal to me either. I mean, if they don't value me enough to want to go to the place that sells safe gluten free pizza, or somewhere I can order a salad without getting a mouthful of flour just from opening my mouth then obviously they don't value my friendship. (I know lots of people go out and watch others eat or bring their own food which is great for things like family outings, but for friends it's important to me that they choose one of the 75% of places around here I can eat not of of the 25% I can't. It's rude, disrespectful and frankly unfriendly.)

At first I thought I was too sensitive. Then I thought, maybe I focus on it too much. But to be honest, I only focus on it as much as everyone else focuses on food. I've taken the first tentative step with my local support group, which is getting their monthly email. I keep almost going to the meeting, but then end up not going. Now that all my other friendships but one have imploded I worry about it. What if they don't like me? What if they're already a tight-knit little group without room for a weirdo like me? What if I have nothing in common with a single one of them there? I also know I'm being paranoid for no reason and really should just head out to a meeting of of these months.

Another thing I may suggest, because it is something my dad did and he really seemed to love it, is a singles group. Not as in, for the sake of meeting other people as potential mates although that can happen. But instead it's a group of people who happen to be single and simply are enjoying life and do so together as a large group of adults doing fun activities together. Sometimes it involves food as things inevitably do, my dad's group seemed to have lots of pot lucks. Anyway, this would be a great way to meet people and maybe you'll click with a few and become fast friends.

For me the answer has been online gaming, not for everyone but it is for me. I wear out easily so I still can't go out a whole lot. (And I'm married and everyone my age in my area married has a half dozen kids, no thanks, nothing in common with them.) I've formed some long term and meaningful friendships over my favorite game. These friendships will probably last my lifetime, and while I may not ever actually meet these people I care for them as I care for my dear best friend who lives a few miles away. They aren't just some paladin, priest, etc, there are real people behind every online avatar and if you're into that sort of thing online gaming can be a rewarding and meaningful experience.
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#5 kittty

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 06:29 AM

Adalaide - I could have probably written your post, and can so relate! I've dealt with that social self-doubt for most of my life, and wonder if the Celiacs has something to do with it. That feeling of not fitting in to an already established group has been the bane of my life, and I end up believing they won't accept me before meeting them, and then never really trying very hard to fit in, and self-sabotaging the chance.

We're also in that "married with no intention of having kids" situation, and EVERYONE around us is either single or married with kids. Or, we find a married couple like us and within a year or two they have a baby, and then that friendship goes out the window. It's amazing how much having kids can change a couple, and how much it alienates them from their former friends without kids.
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#6 T.H.

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 07:09 AM

How does everyone else deal with this? Am I just being to sensitive? Should I just accept that people are jerks? I already isolate myself quite a bit because I'm shy but I'm not sure how many times I can be told I'm an inconvinence before I just give up and not form any new relationships at all.



I don't think you're being sensitive. It hurts.

I react to coffee, even inhaled coffee, so that severely limits places I can go. It made it very clear who my close friend's were vs. those who don't really care enough for it to be worth the effort for them.

My close friends have done things like turn off their coffee makers and drink Starbucks for the day before I come to visit, so there is no residual coffee smell left in their house by the time I drop by. They've met me at parks so I can avoid restaurants, they've had their coffee breaks after I leave and drank tea when we're together, and they've done all this without my even asking. It made me feel loved, and thought of, and was truly wonderful. And they do this EVERY time we get together. They care, and it shows. I am constantly in awe of how much they have been willing to do so that we can have some time together. I try really hard to make sure they know how much I appreciate what they do for me, and try to give back in other ways, you know?

My not-so-close friends, some of whom I thought were much closer, don't do this. They'll want to get together but are unwilling to meet places that I can go, so we hardly see each other anymore. There's an event every year that we travel to and attend with these folks and everyone has coffee in the mornings in the house. I have to go out in the yard or stay away until the smell dissipates, usually about half the day. I have one friend who comes out to visit and say hi when I'm stuck in the yard, and the rest of them stay in the house and enjoy themselves and I don't see them until I'm the one who can come inside.

I'm not asking them to give up something for me, truly. I'm not bitter about it, either. They are not obligated to entertain me or do something different on my behalf, not at all. But having some good friends who approach the entire thing so differently has made me realize what a difference true caring makes in how people treat you. The fact that your boyfriend quit on you over this just indicates he didn't care enough to try. Which HURTS. That can't not hurt. But not everyone will be that way.

When trying to meet new people, that's harder, because it IS a bit of an effort, and people may be less willing to go to that effort for people they don't even know. I've been trying to join groups of people who would be more understanding, or be in a similar situation, these days. Groups for activities that don't involve food, like rock climbing, biking, or jogging clubs (not that I do these yet, but I'm getting there, LOL). Or groups for people with allergies or celiac disease. Or you could check if there are any gluten free groups, or groups for people who have other diets like vegetarianism.

Any group for people who with special dietary needs is going to have people who understand when you need special foods. In my experience, people in groups involving health - like the jogging - may have a higher percentage of people who understand doing something that is necessary to be healthy, diet or otherwise.

And people who don't understand? Well, that just says something about their compassion, understanding, and level of self-interest. It HURTS to realize that someone we care about is unable to be giving or thoughtful when you need them, but truly, there are people out there who CAN be giving and thoughtful. You can find them. :-)
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#7 kittty

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 07:34 AM

Can anyone who does attend a gluten free support group give us an idea of what goes on during the meetings?

There is a group near me, but they require all participants to bring a gluten free dish and recipe card to each meeting. From reading their newsletter, it sounds like more of a cooking club than a real support group.

I do think it's rude to not make allowances for people with food allergies/sensitivities if you know someone with that condition is going to be present at an event. If a friend in a wheelchair arrived at a party it would be rude not to provide some way for them to enter the house. It may not be exactly the same, but if something is preventing you from being present, whether a physical disability or a food sensitivity, then you are being told that you aren't welcome. It's a slap in the face.

Green peppers have always upset my stomach - even just the smell of them in the grocery store. My mom thought she would fix that by deliberately preparing green peppers and serving them to me to try and "break" me of my "mental" dislike of them. Thank god I live nowhere near my parents, or she'd be trying to hide wheat in everything to prove a point.
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#8 Jestgar

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 07:55 AM

Everyone is inconvenient to someone else, one of your inconveniences happens to be food. My bf takes forever to decide things - very inconvenient, and drives me up the wall. Would I dump him because of it? No. Only a lame-@$$ jerk would tell you that what you eat is causing him problems.
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#9 bartfull

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 08:13 AM

There are selfish, blind people everywhere. I have not run into any problems with my diet and friends, but I have run into people who refuse to stop pouring a gallon of perfume on their bodies, even after witnessing the violent asthma attacks perfume gives me. Two of these people were co-workers at two different jobs I had to quit because after being asked NICELY, they refused to give up their perfume, and my bosses at both jobs said there was nothing they could do about it.

And then there is the woman who comes into my shop. Her husband is a dear friend to all of us and quite a good guitarist. I had told her before that I am allergic to perfume but she continued to wear it when she came in.One day when she came in, I was all choked up. As they were leaving she went to give me a hug. I pulled back and told her again that I am allergic to her perfume. She got so mad she clucked her tongue, rolled her eyes, and left without a word! Her husband told me later that she took it as a personal insult. I told him that *I* take it as a personal insult that her perfume is more important to her than my health, that as a NURSE, she should know that asthma kills, and that if she hates me enough to try to KILL me, I was better off not having her come to my shop anymore.

He still comes in on occasion, but not as often as before. It's too bad her selfish, blind behavior has ruined HIS good times too.

I know none of this helps YOU, Moose, but there it is. The world is FULL of self-centered, thoughtless, rude, downright MEAN people. But there are also a lot of caring and wonderful people. When you meet a guy who treats you right, you will appreciate him all the more because you have seen the other side.
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#10 kareng

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 08:19 AM

Everyone is inconvenient to someone else, one of your inconveniences happens to be food. My bf takes forever to decide things - very inconvenient, and drives me up the wall. Would I dump him because of it? No. Only a lame-@$$ jerk would tell you that what you eat is causing him problems.


I agree with this!

Tell you what my 16 yr old son just said to me. He and some of his friends switch schools half day. Wed is a day that they have a 2 hour break in the middle, between schools. I suggested he take his friend "Annie" out to lunch. He said he wouldn't know where to take her as she has a lot of allergies. But its Ok, because some days she is going to bring a lunch and he will stay at the first school to eat with her. He didn't mind the inconvience, he just enjoys her platonic ? company.
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#11 kittty

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 08:39 AM

I pulled back and told her again that I am allergic to her perfume. She got so mad she clucked her tongue, rolled her eyes, and left without a word! Her husband told me later that she took it as a personal insult.


Wow. That's a whole different level of rudeness! I'm so glad that we have a "smells" policy where I work. Strong perfume = instant migraine + nausea for me, so I feel your pain. Wearing too much perfume is just as rude as loud music bleeding through earbuds - if the whole room is aware of it, you overdid it.
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#12 kitchen_chemist

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 09:11 AM

Some people are just plain selfish and insensitive. I have one friend who is allergic to cinnamon. I have another who can't eat corn and is deathly allergic to MSG and mushrooms. My boyfriend has in recent months had stomach ulcers (in part we think due to mild gluten sensitivity and the other part stress-- heaps of it at work) and had an even more restrictive diet than mine. I have cooked for all of them and they were all quite appreciative of my efforts to make sure they didn't feel like a "problem". All of these people have done the same for me. It is the measure of true friendship that they care and it isn't a trial. My bf's family doesn't quite get it and where they used to invite us over for dinner from time to time, those invites have all but disappeared. It's too much "trouble" to cook gluten-free and dairy free. I beg to differ, seeing as I do it every day, but it's all about the person's mindset. My mom, despite her oddities, really did understand that I was REALLY sensitive. I didn't want to go try some random restaurant, even if they claimed to serve gluten-free food. My dad didn't get it. He wanted something easy for him, and I ended up losing the battle during that visit. Sure enough, I got sick. They had raw onions minced into a sauce and I didn't realize it until too late. I can eat thoroughly cooked onions but raw make me ill. He was totally oblivious to my discomfort too. Some people just go through life thinking only of themselves. If they approach everything from a selfish point of view, then yeah, accommodating you or anyone is "a pain".

A sad fact is that there are more selfish people in the world than selfless. Cherish the true friends you have. One true friend is worth more than a hundred selfish false friends.
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#13 justlisa

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 12:11 PM

First, let me say that it makes me feel bad that some of you feel this way and/or have had such bad experiences.

But (there just HAD to be a "but" ;) )

I have a bit different perspective... And, well, I hope you're not offended and will listen with an open mind...

Yes, there are jacka$$es out there...and, sadly, we all too often will find them amongst our friends and loved ones... Sad but true.

However... Sometimes people (some of "us") really are pains in the a$$. I know some of them, personally...

Now, you have to understand...I am quite sick...so I know that I am not as easy to accommodate as I used to be. Well, that's just the way it is. Now, if I have a friend or family member who is an outright a$$ then I have no trouble letting them know that, but if they are just innocently clueless I take that into account, too.

The truth is..."I" got sick... I absolutely expect love/kindness/consideration but it's not all about me...and it would be unfair of me to think that it is... Yes, I need assistance walking...yes, I have special dietary needs. But, my friends and family didn't stop being human beings with needs and feelings just because "I" got sick.

So...

While I do have my moments where I need to vent or whine or just have a good cry, I try not to overwhelm them with it. If they, really, want to go somewhere that doesn't fit with "my" needs, I don't get worked up...I deal with it...sometimes I go...sometimes I don't.

I'm responsible for myself...and that, also, means that I, too, have to be a good friend. That means, to me, that I will make concessions that are necessary. Sometimes that's a gathering where "I" am not going to find it "easy"...sometimes I might have to sit and watch my hubby scarf down a big plate of poison (gluten) with a smile on my face, engaged in the moment (it's time "out" with the hubby...it's supposed to be enjoyable...for BOTH OF US.

For those of you with children (sons, daughters, nieces, nephews) whom you love...dearly... Do you ever like a little "easy time", "date night", trip to the store without temper tantrums and the never ending list of "needs"??? If you're honest, of course you do... It doesn't mean you don't love them...you're human.

If I've had a friend who didn't invite or include me...I ask "why". You see, those are the types of friendships I nurture. The answer will provide the next step...keeping the bond or pulling away. I, also, make sure to continue my friendships as they were "before Lisa got sick"...in other words, I'm still "me".

Anyway...

Please don't take this as an indictment of anyone here! I don't even know you... I just wanted to give something to think about.

All I'm trying to say is... Don't take any crap, but don't be the one giving it either. Know your worth...
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#14 mbrookes

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 12:31 PM

Justlisa, I really appreciate your point of view. It is a hard lesson, but we all have to learn "It's not all about me". Of course there are jerks out there. Some people don't care for me because of my politics, some because of my personality, some for rreasons unknown to me. Cross them off and go on with the non-jerks. Oak trees may look strong, but a hard wind can take them down. Willows bend and snap back. Be a willow.
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#15 justlisa

 
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Posted 22 August 2012 - 12:52 PM

Justlisa, I really appreciate your point of view. It is a hard lesson, but we all have to learn "It's not all about me". Of course there are jerks out there. Some people don't care for me because of my politics, some because of my personality, some for rreasons unknown to me. Cross them off and go on with the non-jerks. Oak trees may look strong, but a hard wind can take them down. Willows bend and snap back. Be a willow.


Exactly. :)
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