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The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Sequel
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Oh fantastic!  I can blame my weight gain on all the gluten free bakers I have met! 

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Funny practical joke if you remember that a spider has 8 legs.  

 

 

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Trying to keep SkiLIsa laughing (or groaning at some of these).  

 

In honor of The World Cup, some soccer jokes:

 

soccer-ball-smiley-emoticon.gif

 

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Football team?

 

A: Because she Kept running away from the ball. 

 

 

Q: Why do soccer players have so much trouble eating Indian food?

 

A: They think they can't use they're hands. 

 

 

Q: Why is a bad futbol team like an old bra?

 

A: No cups and little support. 

 

Soccer Pick Up Lines

Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.

 

Hey, did ya know I'm part of a soccer team? (Really?) Yeah, hopefully I score tonight.

 

Girl, can I get your Jersey? (What?) You know your name and number? 




source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/soccerjokes.html

 

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Karen, your cracking me up today...love it  :D

 

Gonna do the spider thing to my son, freak time...lol

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Snort! Quiet snort yet a snort just the same...laughter heals...Dave even got a laugh outta the ER doc doing his spinal tap...laughter is good...doc made a cornball joke at the end of the procedure :)

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So my Doctor says: Are you drinking enough water?  I say:  Oh yes, I'm adding ice cubes to my wine.

 

Colleen

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So my Doctor says: Are you drinking enough water? I say: Oh yes, I'm adding ice cubes to my wine.

Colleen

I'm on hospital time...I may have to pull the emergency wine pod from my emergency response team pack a bit before cocktail hour ;)
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How about some doctor/hospital jokes for SkiLisa & hub?

 

Five Doctors Duck Hunting
  Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physcian, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. 

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. 

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. 

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! 
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him and said. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
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A nurse was leaving the hospital one evening when she found the doctor standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the doctor, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the nurse, flattered that the doctor had asked her for help.

She turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent! Excellent!" said the doctor as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I need two copies of that"

 

 

 

 

doctor-examination.gif

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n 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." 

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" 

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

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"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

 

hilarious!!!!

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Thanks K...do believe you'll prevent the wine from flowing quite yet...no promises in a few hours ;)

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Thanks K...do believe you'll prevent the wine from flowing quite yet...no promises in a few hours ;)

 

 

Do I have to get out M's joke book from first grade?  Or drag out the Boy Scout jokes?  How do you feel about Chuck Norris jokes?  

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Lol...after no sleep since Wednesday night...thinking the first grade book may be just about the correct speed ;)

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When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

 

Chuck Norris once swallowed a frog, one day later he and pooped out a tadpole.

 

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

 

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

 

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.

 

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

 

chuckNorris2_logo.png

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Q. Why is 2+2=5 like your left foot?
A. It's not right.

 

knock, knock

Who's there?
Elmo
Elmo who?
You don't know who Elmo is?!

 

Q. Why did the fox cross the road? 

A. To look for the chicken.

 

 

Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because chickens weren't invented yet.

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:lol:  :lol:  Those are great Karen.

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1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

2.  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

 

3.  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

 

4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

5.   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.           

 

6.   Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.     

 

7. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.        

 

8.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''           

 

9..  I went to the doctor's the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.   

 

10.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.    

 

11.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.          

 

12.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''     

 

13.   I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.  

 

14.   ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!!.''         

 

15.    Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.        

 

16.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

 

17..  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''       

 

18.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

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https://scontent-a-pao.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t1.0-9/296031_401154889939564_499705971_n.jpg

Let's see if that link works...made me laff...which obviously isn't tough today ;)

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smilie.gif

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My hubs keeps saying....what are you laughing at?  So good to laugh.

 

Colleen

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A bus filled with politicians on the campaign trail was driving through the countryside. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, lost control and went off a bridge. 

A farmer living nearby heard the horrible crash and rushed out to discover the wreckage. With grim determination, he buried the politicians. 

The next day, the police came to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" 

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

 

tractor-smiley-emoticon.gif

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An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren’t having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can’t afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."

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Hubs home...off to pharm then date with pillow ... Thank you all for keeping my spirits up!

All tests except some blood for inflammation were good...likely contracted some sort of viral infection that caused inflammation at the base of brain/neck...got meds to manage until we see primary on Monday at which time I hope he'll already be kicking this bitch.

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Hubs home...off to pharm then date with pillow ... Thank you all for keeping my spirits up!

All tests except some blood for inflammation were good...likely contracted some sort of viral infection that caused inflammation at the base of brain/neck...got meds to manage until we see primary on Monday at which time I hope he'll already be kicking this bitch.

 

Hope you are both able to rest well tonight. 

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