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Member Since 17 Dec 2007
Offline Last Active Jan 12 2010 05:35 PM

Posts I've Made

In Topic: Grief

10 September 2009 - 08:19 PM


I had surgery on September 9th, like I said, it was the first in a series of 2, to 3 surgeries to fix my teeth. While I had no medical cause, I did go to another realm and I did talk to some already past loved ones. It was AMAZING. I don't remember the topics discussed, I just remember talking. It was like being in a big white room, but you could see walls, just sense them. The energy in the room was joyful and loving. The love felt so strong it felt tangible, like you could touch it and hold it. and the joy felt like it permeated into my bones, straight through every cell in my body. And it stayed. I didn't wanna wake up, but it wasnt my time to die and I accepted it. I'm not sorry.

I woke up and the feeling of love has stayed. I want to hug everyone and tell everyone I love them and I want to share my happiness with everyone. (And no, its not the drugs, I have been off pain pills long enough to know) I woke up with 2 distinct messages: my mom's mom loves her and is still here and my dad's mom loves him and is watching out for him. I know I talked to them. The joy has stayed too, but I feel like crying...I want to cry for joy, but I dont want anyone to see me cry because I dont want anyone to think I'm sad. I'm so full of joy, my only regret is well, I wish RED was at my side so I could share this joy with him. But still, I know hes here. In fact, he turned on my laptop right in front of my eyes today, while I was across the room. And the depression and grief is gone. I still miss him, but I know hes not really gone. He's here, he's just invisible to the human eye. And he has more to tell me during the next surgery. I can't wait. I feel like I'm starting a huge race, waiting for the start gun to go off....so happy and full of excitement to get started.

They gave me lortabs for pain and I had to stop them almost immediately because they made me itch and the pain was not severe anyway but I am having "coming down effects". My stomach is a little sensitive and my head a little light, but I imagine it will get better. I feel like a new life has been given to me and I am so ready to embrace it fully and share this love I feel with the whole world.

In Topic: Grief

31 August 2009 - 06:54 PM

If you are truly NOT SCARED of dying, then you are WAY ahead of the curve. I tmay be difficult for other poeple to understand that you're not afraid of something that they fear, and they won't be able to sympathize. If, however, you are finding yourself DESIROUS of death, then you need some attention from a professional.

I'm also curious if you've been completely indoors since your Red died. Going from constant sunlight exposure to indoors all the time could be wreaking havoc with your vitamin and hormone levels, increasing your depression.

I used to fear death, but not because death itself was scary...I feared death because I knew RED would be left without anyone to take care of him. Now that he's dead, I just kinda look at death as the time when I get to join him again. I want to try to keep living without him, but if death comes knocking, I won't argue too much.

I have not been completely indoors since his death...I have been trying to go to the park and walk (since I'm unemployed, I'm trying to walk everywhere locally anyway to save gas). I haven't been back to RED's grave in over a year because I know his spirit never goes there. I'd rather go to places he and I went together, places I can still feel his energy at.

I'd say that overall I spend about the same amount of time outside as I did before his death.

In Topic: Grief

31 August 2009 - 01:00 PM

I go in for surgery on September 9. I will have 2 surgeries, each about 8 hours long, where all of my teeth will be getting crowns put into place. My dentist and I suspect Sjogrens to be the culprit and she may do the lip biopsy test for it while I'm in surgery. We are having to use general anesthesia because I have long become immune to the effects of laughing gas and the 'caine products.

But there's something about these surgeries... I keep getting a very strong gut instinct that I won't be waking up from the surgery at all. My gut instincts are normally pretty accurate. but rather than being distressed or scared about the surgery based on the instinct, I'm very calm. In fact, I'm even a little excited. The first time the instinct hit me, it was unsettling, but immediately, a sense of kinda relief came over me. I know that while I'm knocked out, RED will be by my side and so if a complication occurred and I died, he would be right there from the instant I leave my body. And if it happens, I also know I won't have to leave him again, that he and I will be together forever.

I'm not saying that I want to die during one of the surgeries, but if my instinct is correct and I do die, it doesn't bother me. But everyone I have mentioned this to gets all pissed off at me, saying I'm selfish to feel that way. Is it really selfish to be okay with dying?

In Topic: Grief

26 August 2009 - 06:41 PM

I don't have the resources for another horse, nor do I have the heart. I did adopt a kitten...he was caught breaking into the garage looking for food and his name is Banana.... but as much as I do love banana, he is not my horse and sometimes its hard to even look at this kitten knowing that he needs me but he isn't the one that I need. And to make it worse, while I love him dearly, my poor nose is screaming...I'm allergic to kitties and dogs and everything outdoors too. My mom used to tease me that the only outdoor thing I wasn't allergic to was horses (and for the most part, its true).

When RED died, they honestly thought I was going to jump in the grave with him. I didn't...I'm not stupid-the fall would only break a leg at the very least. But I sure did contemplate suicide. It was really tough. Everyone knew that I had lost myself. I still run into people that knew me before he died and they are blown away by the empty shell of a person I have become. Everyone who was once friendly to me has turned away...and I know why. In my depression, I shut them out, and when my health went back downhill, I became a mega B*tch to everyone.

I went to an animal communicator and she did channel him...she channeled him so well that while I was waiting to talk to her, I closed my eyes and could actually feel his breath on my shoulder. I knew without a doubt he was there. When we spoke she told me he had been ready, that he was sorry to have left me, that I was the only person who saw him for an individual rather than just a piece of horseflesh. The things she told me helped, but deep down, nothing helps for long, he's still gone....

In Topic: At My Wit's End

20 August 2009 - 04:15 PM

This does sound like an allergic reaction which, of course, you already know. The way you described your lips it reminded me of another poster who was describing how ingesting MSG made her feel. I also wondered when you said Koolaid because of the food dyes. But like you said, each time was different foods.

You also mentioned ham and I started reacting to ham last year. I can only guess it was the nitrites/ates. I now only eat Hormel naturals with no nitrites/ates and no reaction.

I'm just brainstorming here. I'm just wondering if there is more than one thing that can trigger that kind of reaction in you.

hmmm.. msg and nitrites/ates...you might have a point. since the reaction has been kinda random, i will compare next time and see if it still fits...

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