Emotionally, I'm not handling this well at all. I really have had thoughts of cutting my arms with a sharp pointy object to bring about a physical pain strong enough to drown out the emotional pain of being in the same room as a dinner roll and having to face watching others eat it.
If I'm visualizing cutting my arms or fantasizing about taking oxycodone just to numb my emotional pain, then there is something very wrong, and it needs to be addressed.
Speaking as an ex-cutter who has permanent white scars covering her chest, upper arms, and entire ribcage--as well as old scars on her thighs and neck which are near-invisible now (thank God)--and also speaking as someone who used to bite her hands, throw her head against walls, and burn herself with hot wax because it didn't leave a mark (as opposed to burning directly with the flame)--
it. does. not. help.
The good feeling that comes from the pain, which is caused by endorphins released by your body to help you cope as your wound heals, only lasts about, I dunno, thirty seconds or a few minutes per cut. Then you have to add another cut, and another, to keep that feeling going. The depression and angst rushes right back in once the brief high fades and now you're covered in wounds that will itch and ooze and take days to heal and will leave scars that people will ask you questions about. The cutting, rather than doing anything to help the original problem it was used for, just compounds that problem with more and pushes you into a downward spiral that it is so hard to get free from.
I became addicted both to the physical sensation of pain and my own morbid fascination with blood. I would cut my lips just to watch it run down my chin. I would sit in the bathtub with my little razor blade cutting deep, straight lines in my thighs and watching how it ran in the tub. One time I switched to a sharper knife than usual and cut so deep into my side that I probably needed stitches, in retrospect, but of course I'd've never gone to hospital about it. It bled for ages and all over my hands and all I did was put three band-aids on it. I liked to walk around with open wounds under my shirt, which nobody could see even though there was only a thin layer of cotton in-between my pain and them.
During this time I lashed out at all my friends who wanted to help, took advantage of them, emotionally abused them. I attributed my fierce and neverending depression to physical reasons: 24/7 headaches and an intense insomnia that pre-dated the depression. Lack of sleep and constant pain can definitely cause depression. But there was a lot more going on during that time, a whole heckuva lot more, that didn't even come to light until months and years later.
I agree that you should find an excellent counsellor straightaway (it took me a while to find one, but when I did he was an amazing help and a blessing). I never did take anti-depressants, even though I was prescribed them and filled the prescription, because I told the doctor--who talked to me all of five minutes before prescribing them--that I would not take them until I had talked to a psychologist who said I needed to, because five minutes isn't long enough to really know if that's the course of action needed. I found mostly religious counsellors after that and never took the pills, which I'm thankful that I didn't need them even though I'm not opposed to the concept. It did take me a year or so living with my parents to get back on my feet again.
this is serious. I don't want you to go where I went.
in a somewhat related note, do you still have soy in your diet? In me personally, soy gives me this empty, emotionally confused feeling, and it makes me want to cry for absolutely no reason, even though my mind will cast around for reasons as I am crying. I sometimes wonder if my depression wouldn't have been as bad as it was if I had already been diagnosed with coeliac and discovered my soy intolerance. I'll never know. Soy does have this like fake oestrogen stuff in it that can mess with hormones and it's probably good to avoid it? just saying.
I hope everything turns out ok for you.