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Strawberry_Jam

Member Since 26 Feb 2011
Offline Last Active Oct 23 2014 05:50 AM
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#743026 Ugh! People Just. Don't. Get. It.

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 30 October 2011 - 03:43 AM

Emotionally, I'm not handling this well at all. I really have had thoughts of cutting my arms with a sharp pointy object to bring about a physical pain strong enough to drown out the emotional pain of being in the same room as a dinner roll and having to face watching others eat it.

[...]


If I'm visualizing cutting my arms or fantasizing about taking oxycodone just to numb my emotional pain, then there is something very wrong, and it needs to be addressed.



****TRIGGER ALERT****


Speaking as an ex-cutter who has permanent white scars covering her chest, upper arms, and entire ribcage--as well as old scars on her thighs and neck which are near-invisible now (thank God)--and also speaking as someone who used to bite her hands, throw her head against walls, and burn herself with hot wax because it didn't leave a mark (as opposed to burning directly with the flame)--

it. does. not. help.

The good feeling that comes from the pain, which is caused by endorphins released by your body to help you cope as your wound heals, only lasts about, I dunno, thirty seconds or a few minutes per cut. Then you have to add another cut, and another, to keep that feeling going. The depression and angst rushes right back in once the brief high fades and now you're covered in wounds that will itch and ooze and take days to heal and will leave scars that people will ask you questions about. The cutting, rather than doing anything to help the original problem it was used for, just compounds that problem with more and pushes you into a downward spiral that it is so hard to get free from.

I became addicted both to the physical sensation of pain and my own morbid fascination with blood. I would cut my lips just to watch it run down my chin. I would sit in the bathtub with my little razor blade cutting deep, straight lines in my thighs and watching how it ran in the tub. One time I switched to a sharper knife than usual and cut so deep into my side that I probably needed stitches, in retrospect, but of course I'd've never gone to hospital about it. It bled for ages and all over my hands and all I did was put three band-aids on it. I liked to walk around with open wounds under my shirt, which nobody could see even though there was only a thin layer of cotton in-between my pain and them.

During this time I lashed out at all my friends who wanted to help, took advantage of them, emotionally abused them. I attributed my fierce and neverending depression to physical reasons: 24/7 headaches and an intense insomnia that pre-dated the depression. Lack of sleep and constant pain can definitely cause depression. But there was a lot more going on during that time, a whole heckuva lot more, that didn't even come to light until months and years later.

I agree that you should find an excellent counsellor straightaway (it took me a while to find one, but when I did he was an amazing help and a blessing). I never did take anti-depressants, even though I was prescribed them and filled the prescription, because I told the doctor--who talked to me all of five minutes before prescribing them--that I would not take them until I had talked to a psychologist who said I needed to, because five minutes isn't long enough to really know if that's the course of action needed. I found mostly religious counsellors after that and never took the pills, which I'm thankful that I didn't need them even though I'm not opposed to the concept. It did take me a year or so living with my parents to get back on my feet again.



this is serious. I don't want you to go where I went.


in a somewhat related note, do you still have soy in your diet? In me personally, soy gives me this empty, emotionally confused feeling, and it makes me want to cry for absolutely no reason, even though my mind will cast around for reasons as I am crying. I sometimes wonder if my depression wouldn't have been as bad as it was if I had already been diagnosed with coeliac and discovered my soy intolerance. I'll never know. Soy does have this like fake oestrogen stuff in it that can mess with hormones and it's probably good to avoid it? just saying.

I hope everything turns out ok for you.

pax.
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#729702 Calories

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 12 September 2011 - 11:31 AM

I agree about the sleep thing. I'm useless without 8 straight hours of sleep and I do my best with 9 or 10 a night. Also, I find that taking late, long naps (anything past 2 pm or longer than 40 min) just creates a vicious nap-taking cycle that is hard to break out of.
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#691561 An Open Letter To My Grandmother

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 12 April 2011 - 08:10 AM

Hello all! As you prolly know by now, I was diagnosed about a month ago with celiac disease--first person in my family to get the dx. I've had a lot of ups and downs recently, but have such hope because I've seen what a good day can be like.

Anyway, my father has already been tested (waiting for results) and my mother is going to get tested. But my grandmother needs it most of all. She's got it on her "to-do" list but I want to impress upon her the urgency of getting this DX, and also give her an idea of what to expect when going gluten-free.

She's suffered with fibromyalgia and crippling pain since I can remember. She also is hospitalized for intestinal blockages about once every two years. It's because she recently got out of the emergency room with one that I'm writing this now. She takes some kind of magnesium thing for constipation but that's her biggest and most worrying symptom, besides the fibro.

She tried the gluten-free diet per my aunt's encouragement a while back, but didn't stay on it very long, and I doubt she knew about hidden gluten or CC. Considering how long she's been sick, it'll prolly take a few years to set her right again.

I wanted those of you who have suffered with fibro and other chronic pain disorders to help me write a letter to her. I want her to hear your stories, your symptoms (especially if it involved constipation and bloating!), and how long it took them to resolve. I want her to have hope for recovery--for feeling GOOD for the first time in decades--but also realize that it will take time for this to happen, and there'll be ups and downs. I want her to know how important it is to be strictstrictstrictly gluten-free. I think the only thing she'll really miss is her crackers that she eats, but I'll help her find/make a good replacement. Having me gluten-free in the same town starting in May will help her I think.

Yeah! I need her to get up and go get tested. I had to have gotten celiac from SOMEWHERE. Can y'all help?

edit:

Her initials are V.W. if anyone wants to personalize it :)
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#690652 The Good Of Being Gluten-Free

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 08 April 2011 - 08:41 AM

Often being gluten- and soy-free forces me to buy organic. For example, finding canned tuna without soy broth is impossible! Except the organic/sustainably-caught whatever stuff with low mercury-content and no preservatives except salt... Also organic or "natural" nut butters with no soy oil (although a lot are soy contaminated :angry: ).

And yeah, it makes me cook for myself and think about my health. No more poptarts for meals, or candy bars (they all have soy <_<; although I get Skittles sometimes) at school. I try to get my protein and good fats in. More veg (even if I don't eat it as much as I SHOULD it's more than I was) and fresh fruits. And I'm taking vitamins now to make sure that I get all I need in the day.

And I feel real HUNGER like I haven't felt in over a year. My stomach is actually emptying out and asking me for more food. After forcing myself to eat for so long in order not to starve, feeling truly hungry is such a blessed feeling. Also, having whole days with no acid reflux, with more energy and less of a headache... my healing is a lot of ups and downs, feeling good one day, headachey and fatigued another, and it's hard because I feel good then bad then good then bad so I'm not "used" to feeling bad 24/7 anymore---but it's such a good sign! Even if it makes the slumps harder to handle.
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#690614 I Can't Do This

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 08 April 2011 - 07:17 AM

Fibromyalgia can be a SYMPTOM of celiac. As well as a lot of other things.

He's being really unreasonable. Maybe he is afraid you will try to make him gluten-free, too. But seriously, does he WANT you to be in pain?

Sounds like you really need to stand up for yourself. If you are a confirmed celiac and you do not go gluten-free, you will in all likelihood end up with cancer.

If he really loves you, he'll listen.
  • 1


#689002 I Can't Do This

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 01 April 2011 - 08:07 PM

I want to second the suggestion that you eat plenty of fish, if you can, also shellfish, shrimp, and other seafood, if you have no allergies. I too am disgusted at factory farming. (It is not so bad for fish--usually wild-caught but even farmed, I mean, they're fish, they don't really suffer per se, and even if they did mussels etc. don't.) Due to my religion I eat vegan half the year (wednesdays, fridays, and fasting seasons such as Lent) but I make an exception to the "nothing with a backbone" rule for fish because I need the protein. I'm vegan atm and am doing just fine gluten-free and, more recently, soy-free. I eat things like scallops sauteed in olive oil and lemon juice with basil and brown rice, or salmon on white rice with seaweed and sesame, or I'll have pumpkin soup with ground fresh coriander, or gluten-free triple almond cookies (almond milk, sliced almonds, almond extract), or for snacks gluten-free soy-free chips with peanut butter or sunflower seed butter... stuff like that. And lots of strawberries and bananas for my sweet tooth.

I do eat meat the other half of the year but don't feel so guilty since my personal consumption is drastically reduced. And I am going to try once I move home from college to get more grass-fed beef and free-range chicken or even buy meat straight from the farm if I can.

you can totally do this! Wheat and barley are mostly in CRAP food. yes, homemade bread and pasta is amazing and I miss it, but really most of the things I can't eat are CRAP and I don't want them anyway. And since I love to cook I see this new diet as an adventure in whole foods! can't get better than that.
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#687934 Some Poetry

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 29 March 2011 - 08:20 PM

Thanks! :D
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#687799 Some Poetry

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 29 March 2011 - 12:19 PM

I've been having to write a lot of poetry exercises for a class I am in, and I thought you guys might appreciate some of the ones I have written about celiac. I was recently diagnosed so it was on my mind a lot.

cheat

with glee
voraciously
bring thing for devouring
never calling to mind
intestine incarnadined
(the test warned you but
you never listen do you)
cells crying out
hereabout, thereabout
everything aflame. your blame.





peace

ginger tea and
peppermint tea
multivitamin with iron
Rx and OTC medicine (toxic)
(probably)
internal organ anger or
mere fatigue?
either way...
I'll do whatever I can to
make peace.






healing takes time, so they say

I am tired of this waiting game.
Preoccupied with near-invisible particles of (possibly)
contaminated dust covering every surface (in my
imagination or reality there is no way
to tell). Familiar pain stays with me
like an old friend who backstabs mercilessly.
If only my hope didn't have an
expiration date. But who put that there?
It is the body destined to die,
after all. Not the soul. Not my
soul. But if I fall apart at
the seams, if I bleed out, surely
the soul leaks out too, like pus?
If it is truly part of me,
couldn't--shouldn't--it catch my body's infection?
All this food for the soul going
undigested. Like whatever else my antibodies attack.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.
  • 1


#687726 Confusion About Levels Of Sensitivity...

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 29 March 2011 - 08:09 AM

Thanks it does. I have the gastro symptoms. As far I know I don't react to the shampoos and skin products. So, basically I know nothing by mouth that is slightest bit questionable, but shouldn't have to change hair, skin and makeup products unless I react? Unless I want to see if I would react and change those too. Limited budget so don't want to change those if I don't have to.


personally I would keep using them til they're gone, making sure nothing gets in your mouth and wash your hands a lot... but when time comes to replace, try and find cheap gluten-free brands to use. Or at the very least "no gluten ingredients" kind of thing. I understand the budget thing too... college student here. I feel terrible having thrown out/given away so much food (flour, cake mixes, pastas, cereals) and lotions with oats in. And spent so much money on gluten-free vitamins and enzymes and stuff to try and help my stomach heal. But I want to feel better... D;
  • 1


#686171 We Had A Luncheon At Work Today...

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 23 March 2011 - 05:49 PM

congrats!

I went to my first potluck today where I brought my own food... pumpkin soup with leeks, ginger, and garlic, MMM. A few people asked about it but everyone was really understanding when I talked about my need to be gluten-free, and there were several folks who knew what celiac is.

There were a few things I prolly could have eaten there (mix nuts and dried fruits), but I brought enough to fill me up.

so I'm beginning to understand how awesome it is to not have to worry about potluck food anymore :)
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#685575 Chicken Broth----And Another Question....

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 21 March 2011 - 05:39 PM

I don't yet know what my glutened symptoms are.

Is it possible, however, that your headache could be caused by another ingredient in the broth, such as MSG? MSG is a huge migraine-trigger for many people.
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#685574 Is Constipation And Gas Common When Giving Up Gluten?

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 21 March 2011 - 05:38 PM

I don't know how common it is, but I myself am at around the 3 week mark and have had terrible gas for the past two weeks, and constipation with 2 bouts of D a while back (one of which may not be celiac related).

Gas-X helps a little (gelcaps are gluten-free), as well as taking digestive enzymes with meals. I'm also drinking fennel tea atm to try to help but I dunno if it'll help or not yet as it's my first cup. Others also say peppermint tea helps, but I cannot take it as it aggravates my acid reflux.
  • 1


#680590 Worried About A Friend

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 05 March 2011 - 11:43 AM

I have a friend with Asperger's syndrome (putting him on the autism spectrum) who is struggling off and on with depression, anxiety, and a racing heart. I know that Asperger's can definitely lead to anxiety/depression by itself due to all the social pressures and the sensation that you're "missing something" when with others, but...

He tested positive for allergies to chicken, beef, and pork, and has had really bad allergic reactions to lamb in the past. I think he has other allergies too that he's forgotten about because he doesn't avoid anything except for lamb... but I've seen him suffer nausea and/or stomach pains after eating (he blames it on overeating but I never seen him eat a lot at a time) and randomly his heart will just race and race and he'll sit there holding his chest and sighing.

Could food allergies be causing some of his symptoms? I know his parents feed him McDonald's all the time because they are busy and his mother is sick herself, so no one's cooking. He works in a school cafeteria that feeds him lunch and supper as part of his pay.

I hate to see him struggle with depression when I know he doesn't have access to a counselor with solid experience with Asperger's... etc. His parents and family have so many other problems that his get lost in the shuffle.

But I'm wondering if my going gluten-free and improving a lot would help show him that food might be able to help him as well...

thoughts?
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#679692 Scared & Confused

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 02 March 2011 - 09:14 AM

think about it this way: they poisoned you. Sure, not intentionally, but that's what happened. you have to do something about that. If more people like you stand up for your health, maybe the world will become more celiac-friendly as time goes by...

okay, I'm getting off my soapbox now.
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#679389 Gluten Headaches

Posted by Strawberry_Jam on 01 March 2011 - 08:42 AM

What do your headaches feel like when glutened now compared to back before you were diagnosed? Are they a lot worse? Sudden?

I'm planning on cutting dairy out of my diet come Monday, and getting stricter about CC. Hopefully the headaches will vanish! It's always hard hearing people say, "ooh, I've got a headache," when I have a headache CONSTANTLY, you know? For so long I didn't realize how infrequently normal people get headaches.
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