Blues Boulevard

I wonder who else is fascinated by another person's weight loss journey whether it be a friend, somebody on TV or writing in a blog. The psychological journey these people go on in order to lose weight impresses me. There are many demons to fight. I loved the show "Ruby".

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Well, even though I am coming from the opposite end of the spectrum (needing to gain weight) and plenty of people would roll their eyes at this juncture, I am finding myself on a journey not that different from those I've seen or read about. I used to wonder what it was like to face your own demons like that (even though I THOUGHT I hid nothing from myself bwahahahahah!). Now I know that I, too, won't survive if I continue with the bad habits of the past. Those things that served me well then are hurting me now. How did I end up here?!?!?!

Maybe I get it. I had to conserve energy and so being compliant and pleasing was the easier way to go on the road of survival. Now, it's this second-nature people-pleasing behavior that appears in a different costume everytime but still, there's the double-edged sword. I people-please and get glutened. The chickens have come home to roost. It's not just my diet that has to change anymore. My own behavior is appalling to me. It's as if there are all these remnants of me stacked up and then there's this little fighting me that must eat my own cocoon. The thing that kept me safe and warm. Mi casa...

Another pickle In my life is, when I'm healthy for a while, I get back in touch with people and the life I long for slowly begins to show up for me. People are calling me once a month just to talk or with hopes to get together, and *BLAM!* I'm sick. I'm talking once a month they call so I want to make the best of it. This is awful. It's like a Greek tragedy. Healthy long enough to take a glimpse of wellness & the sweet life then it's all taken away. Now I have a list of people to call back and I feel wretched. What I wanted becomes what I don't want. Now I want to just crawl back in my shell. No one wants to hear my bellyaching. Do I be authentic or pretend?? Do I need to discern who to tell and when to be cordial? Gosh, that seems a few rungs up the ladder.

I must master how to communicate with people. It takes a lot of effort and clarity (and practice). This is a process and there doesn't seem to be a quick fix. There's no getting around it. It is essential.

Note to self: DO NOT SAY "YES" TO FOOD NO MATTER HOW CONVINCING SOMEONE ELSE IS and NO RESTAURANTS UNTIL YOUR BIRTHDAY!

That is all.