So Angry I Could Spit Nails

[angel42]

I don't know if anyone else has been through this but this has to be the pinacle of insensitive relatives. My mother in law informs me that she wants to have MY BABY SHOWER in a normal italian restaurant where I could obviously eat nothing. When I pointed this out to her she said "oh that's ok we can just bring special food for you" It's my shower!! It's supposed to be my day! I'm supposed to sit there eating dry lettuce while everyone else gorges themselves on lasagna and garlic bread?? AND she wants to have the shower December 10th, I pointed out that my best friend in the world is pregnant and due December 9th so she would probably not be able to go. She replied "that's ok, she'll just have to miss it" So I am supposed to sit there and spend my shower at some gluten-fest eating nothing and I can't even have my best friend there? I am so mad I feel like my head could explode.

Sorry, just had to vent. Thanks for listening.

[MySuicidalTurtle]

Man, that sucks. I wish she would think more about your needs and about it being a nice party for you and your baby. I wonder how she will react if your kid has Celiacs, too. I guess it's just another time when we have to just forget about being treated that was and enjoy the friends/family who can make it and the gifts for the baby. Good luck and I hope she doesn't do anything else to upset you!

[CarlaB]

Just tell her you can't make it to the shower ... it's at a place where you can't eat and you'll probably be helping your best friend with her baby, so you hope everyone has fun without you. This shower is obviously not about you, so she probably won't care that you're not there.

[tom]

I am 100% completely in line w/ Carla on this one.

Even w/ just ONE of the reasons.

"I'll most likely be with my best friend that day".

"I'm sorry, I SO wish I could eat there."

What an incredible MIL!

And I hope u realize (hmmm this may be moot depending on how long you've been married) that if u were to give in on this, it becomes tacit permission to shove a lifetime of this crap your way.

I wish I knew u a bit. Risky as it seems, and please forgive me if I'm wrong, I'd guess you may sometimes be *too* nice for your own good.

If so, and if I may again be so bold, the time is NOW to go against your (presumed) nature and give yourself permission to be less than nice. (Maybe a lot less )

If this hellhound of a MIL is appeased now, on an event SO obviously NOT about HER, it'll probably always be that way in every future situation concerning her grandchild. Will she expect to decide what flavor cake at child's 5th birthday? (Why not? She dictated the shower date and location in spite of both being horribly wrong/inappropriate.)

Nip it in the bud, I say.

(Or maybe I'm wrong in my assumptions & all I've done is waste pixels. It could go either way. )

[gfpaperdoll]

The words that mother in law needs to hear from you is "no thank you, but that does not sound like anything that I would enjoy" "but I do appreciate your kind thoughts" & drop the whole thing, better no baby shower than one given by this woman, I will forewarn you - it will be something worse than this next if you let her proceed with a baby shower. I do not think MIL are supposed to give baby showers anyway, unless it is just the old aunties etc.

I have recently learned tha there are just some people that you cannot get along with & really there is no need to try. Let your son stay in touch with her, while you spend some time doing things that you want to do...

[melmak5]

I am really sorry you have to go through this, it sucks.

I agree that a kind and tactful "I appreciate the thought but I cannot expose myself or my baby to cross contamination." Perhaps if she realizes that its more than just YOUR body, but the baby itself that needs to have lots of good, healthy, gluten-free food right now she might "get it." No guarantee, but it might help.

Do you have a friend who understands what's going on that is also into planning a shower? Perhaps your friend and MIL can work together to make something happen before Dec. 9th and were there are dining options for everyone? Just a though.

Good luck!

[UR Groovy]

It's you're day. I made a deal with my family members. I'll go to the gluten houses when it's their day, but if it's about me, NO WAY MAN. That's where I draw the line.

Ultimately, if you want to be nice & not cause waves, then, you'll need to deal with it. I rarely cause waves with any of my family members, but this one is my golden rule.

My day - my way ! Your day - okay, I'll deal with it.

I hope you can come to an agreement that will suit you both.

Take care.

[UR Groovy]

RE: prev. post.

It wasn't advice, really ... just food for thought.

I understand that it's particulary difficult because it's your MIL. Based on my previous experience, it's really difficult to make someone who doesn't understand "get it". For me, going into the whole cc thing just makes me feel like I'm perceived as paranoid and makes me feel helpless. No matter how many times I explain it (mainly to my sister), she still suggests that I have a salad and bring my own dressing. It makes me feel more in control when I take a stand. I simply don't eat if we go some place I wouldn't dare to eat. I have an Iced tea and try to just go with it. I don't make excuses or explain things - no bad feelings, no misgivings about people not understanding. Although, I typically throw a little stare of death into the deal somewhere. What choice do they have but to understand at least that I'm not budging.

Regarding the date: That just ain't right. That should be fixed.

[georgie]

MY BABY SHOWER in a normal italian restaurant where I could obviously eat nothing.

Italian restaurants are the BEST places to go if you need to eat gluten-free. Celiac is big news in Italy. They all totally understand. Their gluten-free pasta is the best, and they also do gluten-free lasagne pasta - so anything is possible. Have you rung the chef to ask if they do gluten-free options, and if they make their own sauces fresh and on the premises ? I eat Italian everytime I go to the city - its the safest place of all - and I am dairy free as well. Good luck!

[geeze]

I don't know if anyone else has been through this but this has to be the pinacle of insensitive relatives. My mother in law informs me that she wants to have MY BABY SHOWER in a normal italian restaurant where I could obviously eat nothing. When I pointed this out to her she said "oh that's ok we can just bring special food for you" It's my shower!! It's supposed to be my day! I'm supposed to sit there eating dry lettuce while everyone else gorges themselves on lasagna and garlic bread?? AND she wants to have the shower December 10th, I pointed out that my best friend in the world is pregnant and due December 9th so she would probably not be able to go. She replied "that's ok, she'll just have to miss it" So I am supposed to sit there and spend my shower at some gluten-fest eating nothing and I can't even have my best friend there? I am so mad I feel like my head could explode.

Sorry, just had to vent. Thanks for listening.

Where does your husband stand in this situation? I think he should be the one to stand up to his mother for you and explain your situation and let her know he is fully supportive of your request. I agree that if you let this one get by, you are in for many problems through the years. Good luck. G

[7-cody]

Italian restaurants are the BEST places to go if you need to eat gluten-free. Celiac is big news in Italy. They all totally understand. Their gluten-free pasta is the best, and they also do gluten-free lasagne pasta - so anything is possible. Have you rung the chef to ask if they do gluten-free options, and if they make their own sauces fresh and on the premises ? I eat Italian everytime I go to the city - its the safest place of all - and I am dairy free as well. Good luck!

what are different things that you usually order?

[georgie]

what are different things that you usually order?

I ask the staff. They then ask the chef. If the sauces are made fresh on the premises he will know exactly what has been used and Italians don't tend to use wheat or gluten in sauces much anyway. From every menu I have had a choice of 3 or 4 dishes ( mainly the pasta list) and then they put that with the gluten-free pasta. I miss the bread but a small price to pay for feeling well...

Same story with genuine Asian food/ restaurants. The Thai resturant we eat at for a quick lunch had a choice of 26 items the day we was there. Asian cooking is based on rice. If the sauce is home made and they can tell you what is in it - all will be fine.

[Judyin Philly]

I am really sorry you have to go through this, it sucks.I

agree that a kind and tactful "I appreciate the thought but I cannot expose myself or my baby to cross contamination." Perhaps if she realizes that its more than just YOUR body, but the baby itself that needs to have lots of good, healthy, gluten-free food right now she might "get it." No guarantee, but it might help.

Good luck!

WISH I HAD MORE TIME HERE TO REPLY BUT I'M BUSY PICKING UP ALL THE 'NAILS' I JUST SPIT ALL OVER THE FLOOR'.............

AGREE WITH ALL POSTERS..AND GEORGIE..THE CC WOULD SO WORRY ME IN AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT BUT GLAD YOU'VE HAD GOOD LUCK WITH THEM.

I AM WORRIED TOO, THAT ONCE YOU GIVE IN TO THIS WOMAN WHO CLEARLY 'DOESN'T GET IT' YOU'LL JUST BE PAYING OVER AND OVER.

WOULD POLITELY DECLINE BOTH INVITATIONS DO TO PROTECTION OF YOU AND YOUR BABIES HEALTH.

MAYBE SHE'LL REALIZE THAT LIFE AND CONVENIENCES ISN'T ALL ABOUT 'HER'

SORRY, THIS IS CURT AND WILL BE SO HARD TO DO..

LIKED THE COMMENT...MY DAY MY WAY....YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY...

WILL HAVE TO KEEP THAT ONE IN MY ''COME BACK BAG'''

BLESS YOU AND GOOD LUCK

LET US KNOW WHAT YOU DECIDE.

IT'S A TOUGH ONE FOR SURE...

JUDY IN PHILLY

[ravenwoodglass]

Italian restaurants are the BEST places to go if you need to eat gluten-free. Celiac is big news in Italy. They all totally understand. Their gluten-free pasta is the best, and they also do gluten-free lasagne pasta - so anything is possible. Have you rung the chef to ask if they do gluten-free options, and if they make their own sauces fresh and on the premises ? I eat Italian everytime I go to the city - its the safest place of all - and I am dairy free as well. Good luck!

You are so lucky! To say I am jealous is putting it mildly. Unfortunately here in the States in most places a gluten-free meal in an Italian restaurant would be really, really chancey UNLESS they are actually knowledgeable. If that is the case they will have a gluten free menu.

If there is a celiac support group in the area maybe they would know of a couple good safe options. Then you could suggest those but if MIL still insists on her choice I think I would first enlist hubby's aid, he should be coming to your defense on this. If he can't or won't stand up to his Mommy then I would probably consider a different option. You could get some Gluten Free Pantry french bread mix and bring your own rolls and some homemade gluten-free pasta with sauce, and perhaps a gluten-free cake, Gluten Free Pantry makes a real good easy chocolate one. Eat safely and enjoy yourself, and not piss off a woman who looks like she is going to be a tough one to get along with. That way you can still have fun, gets lots of gifts and perhaps keep the peace.

[darkangel]

I agree. You and your husband need to present a united front and stand up to her, politely but firmly. A selfish, crazy MIL can be the catalyst that destroys a marriage - particularly if your husband takes her side. I speak from experience. Your health and well-being should come first.

[Judyin Philly]

I agree. You and your husband need to present a united front and stand up to her, politely but firmly. A selfish, crazy MIL can be the catalyst that destroys a marriage - particularly if your husband takes her side. I speak from experience. Your health and well-being should come first.

BOTH THE LAST 2 POST ARE CORRECT TOO IMO..

I GUESS I'M JUST 66 YEARS OLD AND SO TIRED OF SPENDING SO MANY MANY YEARS OF MY LIFE TRYING 'THE KEEP THE PEACE' AT ALL COSTS..KEEPING EVERYONE HAPPY...YA-DA-YA-DA

ARGREE YOU AND HUBBY SHOULD PRESENT A 'UNITED FRONT' YOU DON'T NEED STRESS NOW IN THIS 'WONDERFUL TIME IN YOUR LIFE'

GUESS I'LL JUST SLINK BACK TO THE FLOOR... AND CONTINUE PICKING UP THE NAILS I SPIT ON THE FLOOR

SORRY FOR THE POST..THE OTHERS ARE MORE SANE TODAY THAN I AM.

GUESS I'M JUST SO SAD FOR YOU THAT YOUR MIL IS SO VERY SELFISH AND YOU HAVE TO BE IN THIS POSITION.

PRAY YOU DECIDE ON A PLAN OF ACTION THAT WILL BRING 'A SAFE SHOWER AND KEEP THE PEACE' IN YOUR FAMILY

HUGS AND PRAYERS.

JUDY IN PHILLY

[UR Groovy]

BOTH THE LAST 2 POST ARE CORRECT TOO IMO..

I GUESS I'M JUST 66 YEARS OLD AND SO TIRED OF SPENDING SO MANY MANY YEARS OF MY LIFE TRYING 'THE KEEP THE PEACE' AT ALL COSTS..KEEPING EVERYONE HAPPY...YA-DA-YA-DA

Right ... this is kind of how I feel sometimes. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy. I'm not very successful in that endeavor anyhoo. It's my turn now.

Should everyone be this selfish? No ... not if it's not right for you. I don't feel selfish. I just feel like I deserve respect too.

This is what makes it so hard. Sometimes, you have to just go with it. Sometimes the outcome of the event is worth the sacrafice on your part. Sometimes, you can afford to take a stand.

Sometimes, you can come to an agreement together that is mutually beneficial.

[heathen]

send your husband to the shower, and you can go hang out with your best friend. then you don't have to deal with the ML, but she can still have the party.

[marciab]

Just my two cents. Confront your MIL in a non threatening manner on your own or you'll be setting yourself up for problems down the road. I'm sure she just doesn't get it and thinks she is doing something nice for you by throwing you a baby shower. We older women can be dense, but not impossible ... Be prepared to stand your ground on this one.

Keep in mind that you will soon have a baby who may need to be gluten free too and she needs to know how important staying gluten free is.

Marcia

[angel42]

I have already spoken to my husband. I do not feel it is for me to confront his mother any further. He has spoken to her and she claims that whatever I want is fine though I will believe it when I see it. I agree with many of the posts that this shower has nothing at all to do with me or my child. I am apparently a mere inconvenience at my own shower. I have spoken with my mother who says she would be happy to have the shower at her home and serve gluten-free food. There is no logical reason that my MIL should object to this since she won't have to pay for anything or set anything up she merely has to show up. There is a gluten-free italian restaurant (which my MIL already vetoed) about 10 minutes away from my parents that I am sure we could have cater or else we could just cook our own food. I believe people will be there for me and my child not to attend some fancy party. Wish me luck!

[anncookie]

I don't know if anyone else has been through this but this has to be the pinacle of insensitive relatives. My mother in law informs me that she wants to have MY BABY SHOWER in a normal italian restaurant where I could obviously eat nothing. When I pointed this out to her she said "oh that's ok we can just bring special food for you" It's my shower!! It's supposed to be my day! I'm supposed to sit there eating dry lettuce while everyone else gorges themselves on lasagna and garlic bread?? AND she wants to have the shower December 10th, I pointed out that my best friend in the world is pregnant and due December 9th so she would probably not be able to go. She replied "that's ok, she'll just have to miss it" So I am supposed to sit there and spend my shower at some gluten-fest eating nothing and I can't even have my best friend there? I am so mad I feel like my head could explode.

Sorry, just had to vent. Thanks for listening.

I really really really don't like my mother in law and vice versa. If it were her daughter, things would be different. But I also stand up to my mother in law, part of the adversity. Good Luck!

[blueeyedmanda]

I don't blame you one bit for being upset. The Italian place is bad enough but to not have your best friend there, that's not fair. Congrats on the baby though! I would also take Carla's advice and say you are sorry but you are not able to attend.

[tom]

. . . . Wish me luck!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Glad it looks like it's been worked out. <phew!>

Such a pain to even have to deal w/ such nonsense in the first place!

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

Glad, it got worked out. What's so wrong, with MILs throwing baby showers? If it weren't for my MIL, I wouldn't even have had one, since I'm from Germany and in German we don't have baby showers.

[finally diagnosed]

I don't blame you one bit for being upset. The Italian place is bad enough but to not have your best friend there, that's not fair. Congrats on the baby though! I would also take Carla's advice and say you are sorry but you are not able to attend.

I agree with everyone. Your MIL is being very rude. There is nothing worse then attending an event that you can't eat the food, but to attend an event that is especially for you is just RUDE. Hopefully your husband can explain to her the importance of being gluten free. If she can't understand from there I definetly wouldn't attend. Who knows stranger things have happened when people have actually gone into labor the day of their shower (hopefully that won't happen) , or you just might be too tired and need to rest. Good luck in your pregnancy and don't let her stress you out.