Am I Overreacting?

[kbdy]

Since the holidays coming up there are lots of festivities in school that involve food. Many of these things she obviously cannot have.

So for T-day her class is having a cereal mixture for their festival. They are going to share in the mixing & passing out to each of their classmates & then eat their created feast.

I asked the teacher if it's possible for me to bring in a fruit salad for the class as well so that dd could participate in the "sharing & eating" of the feast. I was told "No. She can either bring in her own cereal or she does not have to attend that day"

Ummm, ok. So, I walked out pretty angry at the response for the teacher & sad for dd. I hate that she's not a part of things b/c of her food restriction. It breaks my heart that she can't participate the same way that other kids can.

Am I overreacting here & just need to "put on my big girl panties" and deal with it? Is it the mama bear in me coming out? Or, maybe it's not that big of a deal that she either A) not participate or bring in her own cereal & not "share" with the others.

If I'm not overreacting, how do I approach the preschool & tell them how upset I am by this? I am not a confrontational person by nature & I hate, hate, hate doing it. I've tried to be proactive, bringing in dd's snacks each day, buying items necessary for her to use in school (gluten-free play-doh, soap, gloves, etc.) But how do I do this w/o being accusatory & angry? I don't want dd to be singled out or treated differently b/c I'm the "crazy allergy" mom.

[Silliest of Yaks]

I am not a momma myself, but have worked with enough families to have a sense of how hard it can be to advocate for your kid without feeling pushy, and of course, managing that legitimate concern of being misunderstood and having your involvement backfire. As celiac, I find it tremendously hard to advocate for myself while walking this fine line. But while I get to decide how high maintenance I want to be for myself (do I talk to the hostess about how she prepared this dish, or just look for the package in the garbage so I can read the ingredients, or do I just save everyone the trouble and eat the snack from my purse), you are in the sticky situation of choosing your battles for your child. If I have a celiac kid, I wouldn't want her to make any more sacrifices than she has to. I know my instinct would be to work harder and be more assertive for her than for myself (my husband plays this role for me sometimes too). The toughest part for most moms must be keeping momma bear in check.

Bravo to you for doing everything you can not only to protect your daughter from accidental glutening (which of course is necessary but not easy), but also to keep your daughter's needs from excluding her from school and social activities. IMO, you're only the "crazy allergy mom" if you are pushy, mean, or expect others to center their day around managing your child's needs. The fact that you are aware of this stigma and want to avoid it, as well as the fact that you work hard for your daughter and try to provide solutions for others in these situations (rather than make demands) tells me you are not that mom.

The cereal thing breaks my heart a little for you. It stinks that the teacher is planning an activity doesn't quite allow your daughter to participate in a way that captures the spirit of the occasion, though she'll probably still get the idea. Then again, I know that teachers tend to stick with the same lesson plan and special activities year after year, and I can see how if this one is tried and true, with only the exception of your daughter over the years, the teacher may not want the rest of the class to miss out on this one because of one child's needs. If this is a tradition at her school, you know there are some younger siblings out there who have been looking forward to this activity since brother or sister did it the year before. The teacher has her own balancing act here, which means thinking about the interest of her class as a whole, while of course doing what she can not to upset or exclude anyone. And teachers aren't perfect either - as you know well! Your fruit salad idea is a great one, but fruit salad isn't dry and easily contained in baggies like cereal, and with preschoolers things get messy and complicated quickly. Could your daughter share her own cereal instead of fruit salad? Are there any she can tolerate? Of course she would still have to give and not receive, but the same would have been true with the fruit, and it may be an easier option for the teacher. The only downside I see is that it may be hard for the staff to know if the cereal she is eating is really hers. Maybe you can set her own aside til the passing out is done?

If that doesn't work, or if you continue to get the feeling that the teacher is not willing to do her part to involve your child, it is certainly your right to address your concerns at a higher level. Sounds like you're holding up your end of the bargain - and then some - in terms of meeting you child's needs, so you won't look as demanding as you might feel bringing it up in the right way As someone who works with parents, I can tell you that things will probably go best if you kindly but firmly let the teacher know your concerns, and that you plan to talk to a higher-up to seek solutions. The teacher may be open to cooperating with you more than you think, especially if she realizes her actions are not going unnoticed by the school. Plus she is less likely to feel antagonized by you if you keep her in the loop (rather than hearing about it from her boss later). In social services, some parents gain the reputation of being "spiltters" (someone tries to pit staff against each other to their advantage). It's a tough reputation to shake once earned, and having it can make staff wary of working with these parents. You do not sound one bit like a splitter to me, but it's helpful for all parents, especially those in your situation, to be aware of the phenomena.

Bless you for working so hard for your child. I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but you're probably also making life easier for the next Celiac family to come through that school - and there certainly will be more. I wish you the best in this situation, and all the rest. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Dyan]

I understand your dilema, but yes I think you are overracting. You are not "the crazy allergy" mom, food allergies are serious. But that doesn't mean you can change the whole theme of the day. Don't be sad for your daughter, it is only going to make her feel bad about her diet restrictions. Feeling bad won't change anything. And I bet you think it is a bigger deal than she does. Just send her with her own bag of mixed gluten free cereals and tell her she cannot do the exchange but she can still sit at the table with all the rest of the kids eating with their hands out of a bag.

You can't keep her home every time food is involved and you can't make other people go gluten free. She has a lifetime of this ahead of her. She needs you to help her feel ok about that.

That being said, I keep making my daughter cupcakes to take to parties. Even though she has told me over and over that she doesn't want them. My response is "every kid should have cake at a party" She handles it her way, but I make sure she has options. I understand the mama bear.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Can't they use gluten-free Rice Chex for the cereal?

Are they using peanuts, too, and telling those allergic to peanuts to stay home?

I'm sorry, I think the teacher is wrong.

When I bring in a birthday snack for my kids' classes, I ask about allergies, and I talk to the moms of those who are allergic, and come up with something EVERYONE can eat.

I'm not a hero. I'm just doing what everyone (including the teachers) should do.

Shame on the teacher. And you can tell her I said so.

[kbtoyssni]

I don't think you're overreacting. You bringing in a fruit salad to share so she can participate isn't going to hurt anyone and would help your daughter feel included. Honestly, I don't know how you parents do it.

[shan]

My dd is in the same position, and i feel ( my opinion) that she will be a stronger kid if i don't stand up for her too much. Sure i would send in the cereal in her own bag, but to expect the whole class to be gluten free? That isn't the real world!!! Today they had a "wedding" in playgroup and i provided the food for her and if there was anything that she could have eaten from what the others' ate she had that as well. So she had extra!!! But i didn't even think the others should all be gluten free

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Sure i would send in the cereal in her own bag, but to expect the whole class to be gluten free? That isn't the real world!!!

I would have totally agreed with you before gluten-free Rice Chex became available at every supermarket. Since it is easily available, and since so many kids these days do have food allergies (many preschools are now totally peanut-free--you can't even bring in peanut butter sandwiches), I don't think it's unrealistic or unreasonable to request that they use an easily available, inexpensive cereal.

Sure they can say no. But why should they? And if we don't make the request, they won't even realize that:

#1 it's a problem

#2 it can be easily dealt with

If you DON'T make the request, then when the next parent of a gluten-free child comes along, the school will say blankly, "Oh, goodness, we've never even heard of this."

Let's educate'em NOW, and make it a little easier for the next kid!

[shayesmom]

I understand your dilema, but yes I think you are overracting. You are not "the crazy allergy" mom, food allergies are serious. But that doesn't mean you can change the whole theme of the day.

While I would tend to agree that a parent can't expect to change the whole theme of the day, in this instance, I think that the teacher needs to re-examine what exactly the theme is. Since when is Thanksgiving about excluding one student over cereal? Especially when there are viable options available? I can understand the teacher not wanting to add fruit salad to the event. But at the same time, there are several mainstream, gluten-free cereals that could be used for this. And then there wouldn't be the nightmare of dealing with cross-contamination. How does the teacher intend to address that? Your child shouldn't be singled out to be sickened through lack of understanding what HER reality is. And dozens of hands in gluten, all over the classroom is NOT an intelligent or compassionate way of celebrating this holiday.

The teacher's response of "send in her own cereal or keep her home" is unrealistic as well as biased. Our children cannot help the fact that they are genetically pre-disposed to have this disease and they should not have to be segregated and prevented from having equal access to these events because the teacher has done it this way for years and cannot stretch her imagination to find a way to be more inclusive. I'm sure that EVERY other day of school, this child is used to having her own snacks which differ from what the rest of her classmates have. And that's fine, because our kids do need to learn that things are different for them. But I don't see how it's inherently a "bad" thing to look at this event (Thanksgiving) and see that the theme should be about sharing...not segregating.

That being said, I would send an e-mail to the teacher asking how cross-contamination issues are going to be handled. Think about this and be prepared to make suggestions that will keep your daughter safe...or volunteer to work at the party. Then ask what types of cereals are usually used and spend a bit of time researching what cereals are safe for your kid (and other allergic children). Then type them all out and offer them up as an alternative in how to prevent a child from being very ill for the real holiday. If you can, offer to provide them. Teachers can request certain types of foods be brought in...even certain brand names. And I have found that other parents are more than willing to help provide safe alternatives because they want ALL of the kids to have fun.

And if all else fails, keep your daughter home that day and plan something special for the two of you to do together. You can later e-mail the teacher and administrator to request that the classroom and all the toys be thoroughly scrubbed down for when your dd goes back.

P.S.

I know that I had to pay out of my own pocket in order for my dd to attend pre-school. And if a teacher had the nerve to tell me that my choices were to either send in her own cereal or keep her home, I'd probably go straight to the office and ask for a refund for that day. There is no excuse for taking that kind of tact with a parent whose child has a medical condition that warrants concern.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

AWESOME post, shayesmom!!!!

[kbdy]

Vicky,

Thank you for that well thought out response. I honestly didn't even think about the cross contamination issue! And all those toys that they will be playing with later.

I think that I am more than fair with what dd deals with. She is not able to participate in many areas in that room. They will have a bin of flour or oatmeal out in the room for the kids to "measure" with. Until reading this post, I had not even considered the danger to dd. How dumb am I?? sheesh.

Just to clarify... I was not requesting that the entire feast be gluten free. I was asking to bring in fruit cups in addition to the cereal feast. I am not trying to change their lesson plan, only asking if I could add to it.

I have placed a call & someone from the school called to tell me that the teacher would speak w/me in the morning. She said there must've been a misunderstanding & dd was more than welcome to bring in the additional fruit cups for the class to share.

The only reason I did get a call today was b/c I have a friend at the same school whose son has a life threatening allergy. She approached them as well to ask what was happening & if she should be concerned for her son b/c she thought it was handled poorly & didn't want to have to worry about what was being served to her son.

I never asked my friend to approach them, but after hearing my story, she was concerned as well. I'll have to see what tomorrow brings. Right now it's sounding like a lot of backpedaling is going on. sigh.

[shayesmom]

I think that I am more than fair with what dd deals with. She is not able to participate in many areas in that room. They will have a bin of flour or oatmeal out in the room for the kids to "measure" with. Until reading this post, I had not even considered the danger to dd. How dumb am I?? sheesh.

It's quite common in the beginning to think of this disease in terms of "ingested" food only. But if you get your dd tested regularly, you will most likely find that her numbers will not go down as long as she is in environments where gluten is highly prevalent. My dd could not be in the same room where regular flour is used for play...or oatmeal for that matter. The whole classroom is contaminated. Just thinking about it makes me wonder how my cleaning supplies are holding up...YIKES!!! If I were cleaning that room up, EVERYTHING would come out, the ceilings, walls and floors would be washed, carpets shampooed and each item would be thoroughly cleaned before being put back in the room. Then again, my kid has pretty violent reactions to gluten....so I take a pretty aggressive route when eliminating it.

You may want to speak to your doctor about this and have him write up a letter explaining that the flour and oatmeal bin isn't a viable option for your dd. The staff (or you) could sub in rice flour, beans (which are cheap) or even use some colored sand to "measure". But this will be a major undertaking...and they will not volunteer to do it without a doctor's note.

I think that you may need to completely re-evaluate what is going on in that school. You may need to find another pre-school...or you'll have to talk to them about making some MAJOR adjustments in the classroom. I know that the latter route may prove uncomfortable for you. But I really don't see any other way around it. There is no point in fighting to maintain a gluten-free diet at home and then sending a celiac child into a room where wheat flour is floating around, coating everything. It would be impossible to keep your dd from getting cross-contaminated on a daily basis. It undermines everything you are trying to do.

I hate to be a bummer on this...but the school staff needs some major training. They may balk at all you present to them, but the simple fact is....there are many more of these children coming down the pike. They need to start learning so that they will be prepared in the near future. Our pre-k fought this the first year, stating that my dd's food issues were "extreme". I warned them that more were coming and sure enough, the very next year, the cases more than tripled. At that point, they were happy that I had pushed as hard as I did to create a safer environment for those children because I gave them alternatives. Heck, my dd was allergic to everything BUT peanuts and tree nuts. lol!

And if they have doubts about how many kids are affected, they can simply read the latest studies and statistics on childhood food allergies...they're up 18% this year alone. 97% of celiacs still remain undiagnosed....

[zeta-lilly]

No you're not overreacting, that teacher was being an inconsiderate jerk. I'm a little worried about all these issues when my child goes to school. The school I'm looking into is kind of a hippie granola type montessori school, so I think they'll understand the gluten issue more than a regular school will.

[Worriedtodeath]

Agree with Shayesmom! Great post.

We jumped through all sorts of hoops with our baby only to discover that playdough used in her classroom during the week was making her sick on Sundays. PLAY DOUGH she didn't even play with!!! And wasn't even in the room at the same time she was. UGH!!

Flour bins, oatmeal, cereal..... I would be firm but clear. everything would be converted to gluten free. All that dust lands on a toy and then they play, suck on their fingers, eat before washing their hands, Just gives me nightmares.

Hopefully, all of it can be resolved with minimal fuss.

[Juliet]

I'm just going to add my two cents:

Your child is in pre-school. At that age they rarely want to share anyway. I understand not wanting your child to miss the experience, but at that age they truly don't care that much. My daughter gets a gluten free cookie and is more than happy with that when the rest of the school eats gluten cake. I mean, she's not even the only pre-schooler who won't eat pizza when it's brought in. Although she's the only one who actually "can't" eat it (besides also not wanting to - not a fan of it gluten free or otherwise), others also don't want to even if they can. On share day, she just takes it as an opportunity to play with her own favorite toy at school and not about actually "sharing." Not that you shouldn't be an advocate for your child; if your child were in 2nd grade or even kindergarten, it would be a very different story. Then the feeling of being "excluded" in some way can be devastating.

I would definitely point out how this activity excludes your child to the teacher, but I wouldn't worry about what your child is missing right now. Heck, there are probably some other kids who won't eat the concoction because one piece of cereal is the wrong color. As long as your child is healthy, having fun, and getting to eat some treats every now and then (my daughter would be devastated if she couldn't have chocolate at least once in awhile) they're doing fine. Save your strength for when it really gets tough - elementary school!