"you Might Be A Celiac If....."

[Emme999]

Fab idea celiac3270! I can't imagine anyone being irritated by your quoting their wisdom

I wish we had a person like you in *our* local support group! You are the best!

- Michelle

[Guest BellyTimber]

You may use mine (no 170) in the circumstances mentioned

I identify with an awful lot of the others too

[Canadian Karen]

Feel free to use mine, too, celiac3270!

Karen

[cdford]

You are welcome to use mine as well. Good luck with the articles.

[celiac3270]

Thank you everyone! I wrote the GIG article a few days ago and had great difficulty cutting down the "you might be celiac if..." things...I'm down to 51, now. Still want to go over it one more time before I send that one out.....

[Guest Viola]

celiac3270, that must have been quite a job. I would have a real hard time cutting them down, they are all so good and true

[Guest ~wAvE WeT sAnD~]

celiac3270--

You may use mine

I have two more!

*If you want the makers of Combos to substitute their wheat flour.

*If you've become a master at ingredient substitution

[Guest BERNESES]

Am I too late? My favs so far are the bread aisle as the aisle of death and your browser being gluten-free because it doesn't accept cookies.

Here are mine:

You and your SO compare turds to see whose look healthier (now that's LOVE)

You know that natural flavors are NOT your friend.

You've actually pooped your own couch (which I suppose is better than someone else's couch )

You know IBS means "I'm basically stumped"

Great list guys! I love this place, Beverly

[jkmunchkin]

Very funny!! Hard to pick a favorite but I have to say if I have one more person say, "Oh so it's like being on Atkins." I swear I'm going to scream (either that or make them eat a piece of gluten-free bread)!!

[Canadian Karen]

Oh, Oh, here's another one!!!

The first thing you do when you hear company is coming over is go check the toilets to make sure they are clean underneath the toilet seat!!

Karen

[celiac3270]

Haha

[PreOptMegs]

So today I had relatives over and one mentioned how their friend was a celiac and she proceeded to say that her friend's case was "More severe" than mine... That got my blood boiling!

[Lisa]

Hello, everyone,

I've been trying to do more with celiac over the past few months...just didn't know what I could do (beyond the message boards, that is).  Anyway, I'm going to write a few articles for the Westchester Celiac Sprue Support Group newsletter...I wrote a two page article on the GIG conference and Chris (the lady in charge of the support group and newsletter) liked the idea of including some of the "You might be celiac if..." quotes.

There won't be room for 191 of them, but I was going to take maybe 40-50 of the funniest and submit those, giving credit to the members of the Gluten-Free Forum at Celiac.com.  Does anyone have any objections to my including some of their submissions?  I'm not using them for anything I would make a profit off of (such as books, memorabilia, etc.), but just trying to help some celiacs in my area to make light of a not-so-light situation.

Ummm...I'd like to get a few "okays" from some people here (I won't wait for everyone), and then if anyone has any issues with my using their submissions, let me know and I'll make sure I avoid them.

-celiac3270

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Best I have laughed in days. Wish we could get a printable copy to show friends and family. Your very talented. Lisa

[celiac3270]

You can print it! Just copy the list of 191, paste it into Word, and you can print it without the entire thread or the ads on this page.

[PicturePerfect]

Hillarious!!! And good idea about the letter thing!

Lisa

[zakismom]

I know I'm a celiac because I laughed all the way through this thread.

I have one ... You burst into tears because your friends go out of there way to prepare you a safe meal

[ruddabega]

I thought of another few, if you're still doing this.

You might be a Celiac if...

*constipation is no longer embarrassing to talk about

*you become overly-protective of the few gluten-free items in your fridge, and fight for ownership of them

*you have explained to waiters at least 100 times, that you are not allergic to meat, but to WHEAT

*you explain (to disbelieving listeners) that you are allergic to beer and pizza, but ARE American by birth

This is great! I'm showing it to all my friends... I don't know if they'll get it though!

[Canadian Karen]

Camila,

You forgot to mention that you are also allergic to Apple Pie.

Now for an American, that is sacriligious!

Karen

[elonwy]

I just about peed myself reading all these. I have a couple:

You might be a celiac if ... you've ever blamed a fart on the cat.

... the family joke invovles barking spiders.

( my uncle told me that the noises I would hear were caused by barking spiders. They've lived in every house my family was ever in, and have followed me here.)

Elonwy

[celiac3270]

You might be celiac if...

1. The centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine.

2. Your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play Doh.

3. Your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.

4. The only way you will eat your bread is toasted.

5. You've paid over $5 for a loaf of bread.

6. You make your own pizza

7. You visit a health food store at least twice a week.

8. You buy most of your food on the Internet.

9. One of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo Cookies" (and/or Cheerios)

10. There are Garage Sale stickers on all your kitchen food containers.

11. You have argued about and read articles about distilled vinegar and oats.

12. You've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.

13. You've ever been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.

14. At Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.

15. You are a strictly brand name shopper

16. You've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.

17. You weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.

18. You weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

19. You've ever "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner party.

20. You have written "contaminated" on jars of peanut butter.

21. You have become friends with the customer service representatives at every company.

22. The customer service representatives at every company recognize your voice.

23. You know the difference between an allergy and an intolerance...and you care.

24. You have two of everything in your kitchen (pots, pans, wooden spoons, etc.).

25. You are afraid of spices and in restaurants, ask for your food "naked."

26. You are afraid of and have nightmares about bagels, pizza, and cake.

27. You make many phone calls from the supermarket.

28. You know what disodium phosphate, tartaric acid, and quinoa are...and care.

29. You know who Danna Korn, Peter Green, and Anne Lee are.

30. You bring many, many lists with you to the supermarket.

31. The first thing you do, upon reaching an unfamiliar location, is pinpoint the location of the nearest bathroom.

32. You have ever tried to explain to a waiter that "it is necessary to use clean pans for you food" and he stares back at you in disbelief.

33. You ordered a salad with no croutons and the entire time its being made you wish you could go back to the kitchen and watch them prepapre it but were afraid to ask.

34. You have taken a poop at all of your friends and relatives houses, even if you just met them...

35. You have explained to people the difference/similarities between Modified Food Starch and Modified Corn Starch at least 50 times (or you know what disodium phosphate is -- celiac3270)

36. You ask Asian restaurants if they have baked or mashed potatoes

37. You ask every restaurant if they have baked/mashed potatoes

38. You've kissed someone who just drank beer and wonder if you will get sick

39. You've kissed someone who just drank a beer and you really wanted their beer instead of your vodka/tonic, wine, spritzer, ......

40. You've responded to someone's post on a website about bowel problems and were brutally honest about your own "issues with bowels"

41. You read this post and laughed because you've "been there"

42. People think you're on the Atkins diet

43. You've asked for a bunless burger...and been looked at as if you have three heads.

44. You've asked about the ingredients of shampoo

45. You post on this board...that's not funny, though

46. You've washed your telephone after your child/spouse has answered it while eating.

47. You've checked all cups in a coffee shop for crumb residue.

48. You can say Kinnikinnick 10 times fast without making a mistake

49. With just one quick whiff, you can pinpoint the brand name and fragrance of every air freshener on the market!

50. You have had to leave the room because someone else was eating Pizza Hut's breadsticks and they smelled TOOOOOOO good!

51. Someone else complains of IBS, and you tell them to quit eating gluten!

52. Or you know someone that was dx with diverticulitis and you tell them to stop eating gluten!!!

53. You don't know what a "normal" bowel movement is.

54. You thought of (or started) a topic called "you might be a celiac if...."

55. Eating out is a "death sentence" not an enjoyable event!

56. All you eat at the church pot luck dinner is jello

57. Your tears compete with your drool when you pass a Krispy Kreme!!!

58. Carry some type of medication with 24/7 (ie Immodium)

59. At least once a day smile and say, "Sorry, I can't have that"

60. Have been lectured on your crazy dieting and told to just forget about your weight

61. Have survived for some period of time solely on rice or peanut butter

62. Physically flinch at the feel of bread or similar product

63. Feel nauseous at the sight of some gluten filled food

64. Have mastered the art of passing gas in public

65. You read this list to your SO (who doesn't have celiac) and they laughed right along with you.

66. You have ever thought you might explode from holding in a fart too long while in public

67. You have ever had nightmares about being trapped in the bread aisle in the grocery store

68. You have ever had a meltdown from actually BEING trapped in the bread aisle in the grocery store.

69. You call a dream about eating pizza and chocolate cake a NIGHTMARE!!

70. You read a topic called Cheating and you just KNOW it's not about her husband and her best friend!!

71. Your answer to this joke: "Why did the lion spit out the clown?" is something like... "Because the lion had celiac and as his fangs began to clench down he saw out of the corner of his eye that the clown's hand was holding a slice of pizza ?" When the real answer is: "Because the clown tasted funny!"

72. You pay $1.59 for a 12 oz bottle of rootbeer!

73. You?re glad that summer is here. Not because the winter is too cold, but because in summer you can enjoy the hot fudge sundaes with the fries at McDonalds better.

74. You never leave the house for longer than 5 hours without taking some food with you.

75. There is a banquet where you will get honored and you?ve asked, if you can get the entry ticket for the party that includes the banquet food, for a cheaper price, because you can?t eat there anyway (don?t laugh, that happened to me two weeks ago).

76. Everybody on your sports travel team knows that there are some ?celiacs? on the team and what these celiacs can and can?t have, including the medication, when you get hurt at competition. And every non-celiac keeps their fingers of the ?celiac-travel-cooler?.

77. You have an extra first aid celiac medication kit for the celiacs in your travel team and everybody (even the non-celiacs) knows, where it is.

78. Your hubby sits in front of the television in the evening while you surf on www.celiac.com.

79. Your children just "know" that it is not safe to go into the bathroom for at least 5 minutes after you leave it.....

80. You've ever asked the waitress is the ice tea has wheat in it....

81. You've rolled your eyes when a non-celiac has said to you in a health food store, "I've (voluntarily) tried the gluten free diet before, I felt great"

82. You been afraid of having your significant other spend the night because of "night gas"...

83. You have sent someone else to the store to buy "emergency pepto"

84. You have received 3 copies of Bette Hagman's books collecting dust in your bookcase

85. You've actually said a profanity in a grocery store after reading an ingredient label and seen "wheat flour" as one of the ingredients....

86. You've wondered if Pepto or Immodium have "hidden gluten"

87. You've thought that your future soulmate is another celiac

88. You've called 4 grocery stores and 3 duistributors in various parts of your home state to encourage them to carry Bard's Dragon Gold Beer -- I did that this week

89. Every time you order gluten-free food at a chain fast food restaurant, you lean over and try to watch them make it..

90. Someone has said to you "Just try a little bit and see if it hurts your tummy"

91. A family member has sprayed the air freshener directly on you hoping that will help and you will fart Spring Fresh.

92. You eat before you go out to eat.

93. You ask family members to bring barf bags home from airplane flights.

94. You tell your husband to drive really fast and then you still have to stop at a public restroom when you are only 5 minutes from home.

95. Your significant other knows what it means when you look at him and say "Uh-oh, I don't feel so good."

96. You call the bread aisle in the supermarket "The Aisle of Death"......

97. You are constantly wiping down the kitchen table and counters in an effort to rid the place of inadvertently strewn gluten crumbs from the non-celiacs' foods in the home.

98. You get tears in your eyes when you notice that a manufacturer changed the formula and now makes their product gluten-free.

99. While in the kitchen, you have physically restrained someone from putting the nonGF gravy spoon in the gluten-free food.

100. In the supermarket, the Deli clerks run when they see you as you insist that they clean the slicer's blade before they cut gluten-free lunch meat for you.

101. You have an understanding now of people of other religions who keep a Kosher kitchen keep everything straight.

102. Your four year old (not celiac) can list all the things at Wendy's and McDonald's that are gluten free.

103. You cheer when you go to the grocery store and they have started carrying gluten-free items! I live in a small town and to find gluten-free stuff in this town-tough!!

104. Your friends and family just tell you to stop eating bread, pizza and pasta and you'll feel better..........get a clue!

105. How about you know your a celiac when you are sitting home on a Saturday night posting on the celiac site instead of out to dinner with your friends!

106. You have anxiety attacks when dinner party invitations are extended.

107. Only have to give your spouse "the look" and they know its a marathon dash to find the closest restroom.

108. You've taken account for every public rest stop on each commuting route to and from work.

109. You've given up hopes of enjoying a real meal outside of your home.

110. You've uttered every known curse word after realizing you've ingested gluten.

111. You drive past a huge, incredibly gorgeous, bright green, lush field wheat and say, "oh look, hundreds of acres of poison!"

112. You're starting to wonder if your co-workers are noticing how much time you spend in the restroom.

113. Buffets terrify and infuriate you at the same time.

114. Your friends are jealous of you, because your food looks tastier than theirs.

115. The people who work with you for your diet only talk to you about your disease and nothing else.

116. People come to you who have your symptoms (diarrhea, etc.) and think that they automatically have celiac disease, even though they have the flu.

117. People walk up to you and ask you how your "glucose" problem is.

118. You've ever stunk yourself out of your own bedroom

119. Your roommates give you a dirty look every time you leave the bathroom

120. All your family has a supply of gluten free flour in their cupboard

121. Your little sister starts to yell at people for "double dipping" into the mayo jar

122. Your older, non-Celiac brother knows what Soy Crisps are.

123. You're ever said that wheat is a product of satan.

124. You insist on having WHAT YOU WANT no matter what.

125. You've ever gotten tired of eating the same food multiple times.

126. You love cheese.

127. You CRAVE Pacific Brand Roasted Red Pepper soup, and become depressed if there's none left in the pantry.

128. You know what a food diary is and you know how to use it.

129. You know all the health food stores in your area and can tell the shortest/fastest way how to get there.

130. You find immodium packed away in every bag

131. You've memorized the "safe" and "forbidden" ingredients lists on this website.

132. You cry anytime you hear the fries in a restaurant are fried with the chicken tenders.

133. You are usually the one doing the cooking for any family event.

134. You are the only one who doesn't forget you have celiac disease. (my family 4gets sometimes, and i sit there with a certain look on my face like "HELLO!?! Think again..")

135. You loved the list and couldn't stop laughing at it.

136. You're going to print the list and show it to everyone you know just to see how many will act like they understand it.

137. You've memorized the health food stores phone numbers in the surrounding cities.

138. You have had to explain the difference between gluten and glutton several times....

139. Nobody will watch the Food Network with you anymore because you spend the entire show saying "well i cant eat that" or "that would kill me"

140. You might be a celiac if the main fast food restaurant you eat at is McDonalds.

141. You might be a celiac if the only place you eat at is McDonalds.

142. You know what xanthan gum is, and how to pronounce it.

143. You think of paradise as a glutenfree world instead of a place where angels fly around.

144. You want to kill the people who ask you if you want bread or pasta---and these same people who ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU HAVE celiac disease.

145. You propose to open a Celiacs Only restaurant for your Business and Technical Writing paper.

146. You hate the fact that no one can learn the hidden ingredients on your list---especially if they're FOOD SERVICE WORKERS.

147. You feel as if Beef and Cheese sticks are to you what pizza logs are to everyone else--a meal.

148. You know who Bette Hagman, the Gluten free gourmet, and Connie Sarros, the Gluten Free Guru are and care.

149. You want celiac3270 and Kaiti to run for president of the U.S.A.

150. When you are reading other forums, when you see DH, your first thought is not "Dear Husband" but "Dermatitis Herptiformus"......

151. You can button your pants in the morning, but they no longer fasten after breakfast

152. "Gas prices" makes you think of your grocery bill instead of your car tank

153. There is a 10-fold chance of your kids saying: "She's in the bathroom" when someone calls...... (even though you drill it through their heads over and over again not to say that!!!! How embarrassing!)

154. You wash your hands AT LEAST 100 times a day

155. When you go on vacation, you have two bags...one for your clothes and one for your food. The one for your food is bigger.

156. Seeing the words "gluten free" on a mainstream item has ever caused you to dance a jig in the middle of the canned food aisle in the grocery store...and you are not in the least embarrassed by that.

157. You've ever listened to someone complaining about the awful stomach virus they had over the weekend and thought, "wuss".

158. You can use your loaf of bread in place of weights when excersizing.

159. You are a regular at Outback, PF Changs and the local sushi restaurant.

160. The people at TCBY know you and immediately go get your topping from its original container in the back of the store.

161. You always have a packet of salad dressing/soy sauce in your bag at all times.

162. You bring your own sauce when you go out to eat.

163. Suddenly you realize that your obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) could be a *good* thing!

164. You plan a get together and question the guests about any allergies or special dietary needs...and they know you will actually try to feed them.

165. You're at a party offering food/drinks and you find yourself examining product packages in the garbage

166. You have your own pantry in your house.

167. You jokingly tell your friends, "Wheat makes you fat."

168. You ever wanted to buy that "Wheat Sucks" T-Shirt.

169. You're upset when your rice bread crumbles.

170. When you read "If your browser or firewall is set to not accept all cookies" you think it is saying your browser is gluten-free ... like the forum !

171. When you list your house for sale, you say spacious, modern, gluten-free kitchen. I was home for a walk through and I almost told the lady rubbing her hand down the counter top, "It's a gluten-free kitchen"

172. When you make a grilled cheese only to find out your bread has sucked up all the cheese. (Our bread really sucks!)

173. You get extremly excited when your poop comes out actually looking like a terd

174. You bring your own gluten free bread or muffins with you when you eat out.

175. (To add to the bowel movement comments) You could probably set the world record for most trips to the bathroom even when you didn't eat gluten!

176. You carry a cooler with you whenever you leave the house (that's my signature move)

177. The chef at a restaurant you are eating at comes out to talk to you about safe foods/ingredients for your meal.

178. You have had to call ahead to order "special" food from a restaurant for your meeting because the food they are serving has gluten in it.

179. Someone has told you they had what you have and outgrew it.

180. Someone has told you that you should slowly reintroduce gluten into your body in small increments that way you can build up a tolerance for it in the future.

181. Your waitress has brought out your salad with croutons on it even when you specifically told her NO CROUTONS! Then you have to tell her that they cannot just take the croutons off the salad, they must make a completely new one.

182. You check every package of every product (food/medicine/etc) that you come into contact with for gluten.

183. You are annoyed every time you read "Modified Food Starch" in the ingredients of a food you REALLY want to eat!

184. Someone has given you the weirdest look when they see what pre-packaged gluten free food you are eating.

185. Someone has spit out your expensive gluten free food after asking to try some.

186. Someone thinks you are lactose intolerant when you tell them you have a food allergy. Then when you tell them your food allergy, they ask you if you can have dairy products.

187. Your sandwich bread has crumbled to a million pieces before you were halfway done with your sandwich.

188. You wish your local health food store offered a shopper's card like large supermarkets because you are there so often.

189. You have asked your local health food store owner to carry certain products just for you.

190. You have ever gone into detail about what gluten does to your body when someone asks you what happens if you eat it.

191. You are tired of explaining to everyone why you cannot have gluten!

192. If you want the makers of Combos to substitute their wheat flour.

193. If you've become a master at ingredient substitution

194. You and your SO compare turds to see whose look healthier (now that's LOVE)

195. You know that natural flavors are NOT your friend.

196. You've actually pooped your own couch (which I suppose is better than someone else's couch

197. You know IBS means "I'm basically stumped"

198. The first thing you do when you hear company is coming over is go check the toilets to make sure they are clean underneath the toilet seat!

199. You burst into tears because your friends go out of there way to prepare you a safe meal

200. Constipation is no longer embarrassing to talk about

201. You become overly-protective of the few gluten-free items in your fridge, and fight for ownership of them

202. You have explained to waiters at least 100 times, that you are not allergic to meat, but to WHEAT

203. You explain (to disbelieving listeners) that you are allergic to beer, pizza, and apple pie, but ARE American by birth

204. You've ever blamed a fart on the cat

[brdbntL]

This thread made me laugh, even though I don't have celiac, my 5 year old daughter does. I have one for you:

You know you have celiac when you have to explain to the bakery clerk that white flour is made of wheat.

She offered my daughter a cookie and I quickly said "no she can't have wheat" She told me that they didn't use wheat flour, but just the white kind.

I am not making this up.

[ruddabega]

I've had a similar experience. A friend of mine owns a bakery, and was annoyed at my sudden disappearance from his store. I told him I was allergic to wheat and blah blah blah, and he said, "we don't use any wheat." I got very excited and asked him if he used rice flour or tapioca or something, and he said that he just uses all-purpose white flour. I laughed so hard! Is white flour suddenly made out of some magical, cheap, gluten-free product!? I wish!

[Guest GITRDONE]

This thread is too much. I'm sitting here by self laughing. Anyway I just had to put my 2 cents in on this one.

You know you are a celiac...

1.When you are driving down the highway and the tallest plant you see is only 2 feet high and this scares you.

2. You only make long trips in vehicle at night along the back roads.

3. You have a roll of TP in every vehicle and a change of clothes.

Thanks for the laughs, Susan

[Lisa]

This thread is too much. I'm sitting here by self laughing. Anyway I just had to put my 2 cents in on this one.

You know you are a celiac...

1.When you are driving down the highway and the tallest plant you see is only 2 feet high and this scares you.

2. You only make long trips in vehicle at night along the back roads.

3. You have a roll of TP in every vehicle and a change of clothes.

Thanks for the laughs, Susan

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Canadian Karen]

With so many newbies recently, I thought I would resurrect an old and now "infamous" thread started by broncobux. This thread shows how, eventually, you will be able to deal with this disease with a bit of humour.

Happy reading!

Hugs.

Karen