I... But... Look, Can Someone Tell Me If This Is A Lot?

[MagpieWrites]

Oh... crapmuffins.

I had a thing, shall we say with my mother in law last night, and after stewing all day I thought I'd ask you smart people and see if I'm being an idiot (entirely possible - I'm more than willing to cop to that) or if I'm right in being a bit peeved.

First off, I should say, my husband has been epic level amazing over my celiac diagnosis. HE is the one who purged the house, HE is the one that said simply "Okay, so what do we need to do to keep you healthy?" and HE is the one that decided that, at home at least, he eats gluten-free too. And often out of the home as well, since I pack his lunch. HE is a paragon of virtue and a joy forever... shame his mother is a twit. (Luckily, he ALSO thinks she is a twit. His reaction last night after dropping her off was to say, as he walked in the door "Honey, my mother is an idiot. We both know this. Do you want to buy some yarn? - I'm a knitter, he has been trained to think "Pissy wife, yarn fix.")

It was.... a night. First there was the fun interlude at PF Changs where she decided to announce all of my pathetic failings to the waitress, in detail, saying over and over again how she and her husband had "warned him about marrying a sick woman. It really doesn't work out. It's such a shame that I'm willing to ruin family time to together over this celiac nonsense" and so on. You know it's bad when the waitress brings you a cranberry and vodka - free - because she feels bad for you. I know where that complaint is coming from - I no longer am willing to give up 5 nights a week going out to restaurants with her anymore. I hated it BEFORE I was diagnosed, and was thrilled to find another reason to say "Sorry, nope."

Than on the ride home.... out of the back comes "I have to say, I've been speaking with all my friends and the rest of the family, and we all are very concerned about how much money you are wasting on this weird diet. Are you going to get the spending under control soon, or are you continuing on with just tossing all this money?"

I... Bu.... I...

I buy local, grassfed meats, mostly local and organic produce when I can. I cook 99% of the meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks) for both my husband and myself - from scratch - that we eat... and I'm spending on average about $55. (Cat food, litter, and cleaning supplies come out of a different budget)

I thought I was actually doing pretty good, really. And yes, she has been talking to everyone in their side of the family - just not telling them the truth. I NOW understand why the last time I ran into an aunt of my husband's at the grocery store she made such a fuss over the contents of my cart.

But IS this a lot? Am I being wasteful? Seriously here folks - I'm working myself into a tizzy. I wouldn't know where to cut in the budget really - I mean, yeah, I could buy cheaper meat... but I'd rather eat less of the good stuff. Since going gluten free... how much are YOU spending?

[Lgood22573]

Wow- we are a family of 3 and I never spend less than $200 a week on groceries. I do buy a large amount organic and lots of fruits and veg. But seriously, it is none of her freakin' business how much money you spend on food. WHAT?

[Roda]

Are you able to have a frank discussion with her? Is she trying to sabotage your marriage? Could your husband talk to her and set her straight? It sounds like you have a doctors diagnosis and even if you don't you don't have to explain things to her. My MIL doesn't get it either, but she does not make comments like that, because she knows my husband would rip into her. It sounds like you are being frugal with what you are buying. Let's face it, the stuff you are buying to make you healthier is going to be more expensive, but it is worth it if you are getting well. It's your money so she needs to mind her own buisness. You are spending way less than I am. I don't want to even think what I am spending a month on the grocery budget. Before gluten free I allowed $500/month and sometimes often would go over. I know I spend much more than that now. However, I have a household of four that includes my husband and two boys ages 5 and 9. I just had a talk with my MIL and I was dreading it, but it actually turned out to be a good thing on both our parts. I told her I didn't want her to try to accomidate me anymore with food, that I would be responsible for fixing my food and feeding myself. She was estatic with the notion. Some part of me thinks that she thinks I'm being fanatic but she does not come out and say it. It doesn't matter what she thinks, because I don't care. Yesterday I found out I still have esophagitis and was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and duodenitis. I also discovered by accident yesterday that all this time dairy has been causing me problems. I am awaiting biopsies of my esophagus, stomach and duodenum. So it was a matter of I had to talk to her, it couln't wait any longer. Good luck with it.

[gf-soph]

Don't even buy in to the question of is it too much - that's not really the issue. It's about respect, and her outburst in the restaurant clearly shows she is lacking in it. Your spending is a matter for you and your husband, he is the only person whose concerns I would listen to.

Mind you, going out 5 nights a week to eat doen't sound like a budget-conscious choice, so I would wonder how much you would have spent before on eating out with your mother in law?

I don't pretend to know exactly how to deal with this as I'm not in your situation, but she sounds like a highly unpleasant person. Saying that, you will have to deal with her in some way, so you need to find a way to have some contact with her without it getting to you too much. As much as I'm sure you would love not to have any contact, you don't want to be the cause of any rifts.

As much as I love her, my grandmother (on my fathers side) is a very difficult person, and I know my mother had to deal with quite a bit to keep the relationship going. Saying that I am very glad that she did, as my grandmother hasn't had an easy life and has distanced most people. She managed to strike a balance where she kept boundaries about certain unacceptable behaviours - not taking the blame for things and not accepting any abuse - while still having a relationship where she could happily be in our house. I've come to realise how much work this has been as i've got older.

It may be that you end up simply saying to your mother in law... Thanks for your concern. My diet is important for my health, and I take advice from doctors and health professionals seriously. Until you qualify as a gastroentorologist or dietician, I will continue to take their advice over yours.

You know you are doing the right thing, don't let her ignorance affect how you see your decisions.

Good luck

[Wolicki]

OMG. You poor girl. Your MIL is an idiot. I truly hope that your husband will stand up to her and let her know that if she wants to have a relationship with him, then she'd better get her sh*t together and start acting like a caring compassionate person. That is the most disgusting thing I have heard in a very long time. She's obviously a very angry person who doesn't think anyone will ever be good enough for her little boy.

It sounds like your husband is a gem. I hope he does the right thing.

Sheesh, I am so mad at her right now, and I've not met her. You are a saint and an angel for having put up with her for this long.

Maybe you can both move far away?

Gosh I hope you all can find a happy medium.

Janie

And BTW, I spend at least $1000 per month for the three of us- all gluten free- me and a 13 and 10 yr old boy. $50 per week for two is positively thrifty~

[mushroom]

Your mother-in-law is not a twit, she is rude and obnoxious. Sorry but there is no other way of putting it. Can your husband just tell her to MHOB? In a nice way, of course Yep, when even the waitress feels sorry for you, you know the problem is not yours

And I don't know how you exist on $55, and for some of us organic meats are important, and on and on and on....I am practically speechless. You poor, poor dear. Hang in there and "don't let the turkeys get you down"

[kayo]

when even the waitress feels sorry for you, you know the problem is not yours

Exactly! What you have is a narcissistic momster in law!

The problem here is not the cost of the diet. The problem is your MIL is not respecting your boundaries. She's being rude to you and to her son, humiliating you in the restaurant, commenting on the fate of your marriage, and discussing your diet and budget with other family members. None of it is any of her damn business. Sounds like she has a hard time not being queen bee and she feels second fiddle to your celiac which is her problem, not yours.

There are just two of us and we spend about $100+ a week on groceries. $55 is miraculous! Going out to eat several nights a week would cost more than that so her logic is faulty. Never mind that eating out that much is super unhealthy. Your health is what matters so if it cost $200 a week wouldn't you do it? We're lucky in that we can manage the celiac/gluten via diet. No expensive meds with side effects. I often equate celiac to diabetes in that we have to stick to a specific diet otherwise there are short and long term health consequences. This diet is medically necessary, not a frivolous fad.

Hugs to you!!

[GFinDC]

Yowza, free cranberry and vodka courtesy of MIL! :)

55 bucks seems pretty cheap to me, especially for 2 peeps. At least she went to P.F Chang's with you. So maybe she isn't totally unwilling to learn.

[ravenwoodglass]

This is going to sound extreme but I would be looking to move as far away from this woman as is possible. She is rude and it sounds like if she has her way her 'baby boy' will be single again and forever. Your hubby sounds like a wonderful person but he needs to stand up to her. He should be coming to your defense. Where was he when she was going into her toxic tirade? Why didn't he grab your arm, say lets go now and walk out of the restaurant. You don't have to put up with her abuse and this surely wasn't the first instance. If you can get her to go to family counseling that might help but I doubt she will do it as she sounds like someone who makes everything someone else's fault. A bit of counseling with just you and your husband might help you both stand up to her or have the strength to limit her access to you.

It doesn't sound like you have children but if and when you do you can expect her to deal the same way with them. My children had to listen to my now ex husbands mother rant on about me with horrible lies and he never once stood up for me to her and it greatly damaged his relationship with them.

Your in a tough spot but you have to do one of two things, learn how to stand up to her or greatly limit the amount of time you spend with her. Going out to eat with her 5 times a week seems a bit excessive to me. She sounds a bit obsessive about her son and it is really time for him to cut the strings, become a man and stand up for the woman he loves. I don't mean he should cut her out of his life but that he should set boundaries and be firm that she can't abuse you or she will not be welcome in your home or your life.

[sa1937]

Does your MIL have any health issues? If I ate out five nights a week, I'm sure I'd have a lot of health problems and probably weigh a ton! She should be grateful that you make her son happy, not to mention well-fed with healthy meals at home.

There's no excuse for her behavior and the woman obviously has many problems that have nothing to do with you.

Remember ... What goes around, comes around!!!

[luvs2eat]

Would she begrudge you spending money on insulin if you were a diabetic? Or paying the cost of a really expensive prescription if your doctor said it would save your life? You're buying FOOD that happens to be the ONLY treatment for the condition you have! It doesn't matter WHAT it costs if it keeps you healthy and happy!

I think the best advice you've received here is to tell her that you will take your doctor's and dietician's advice, but I'd be sorely tempted to tell her exactly what she can do w/ HERS.

I survived a MIL from hell... even dead, she continues to affect my kids. Good luck w/ yours... her name doesn't happen to be Joni, does it??

[kareng]

I don't think this has anything to do with your illness or howmuch money you spend. This woman would find something else to complain about. You & your husband need to greatly limit your exposure to her. She is just plain mean. Your husband needs to be the one to talk to her and tell her that her behavior is awful & he won't be around it. If you have kids, limit or don't even let them around her. Evil people are evil people even if we are related to them. If she wasn't related, you wouldn't want to be friends & go to dinner, etc. Only see her when you really have to & in a big group - like a family wedding. It will be easier to stay away from her. If Hub has a relationship with other members of his family, he might talk to 1 or 2 & explain this craziness. I'm sure they would spread the word. Good luck!

[Liza Lee]

IMVHO, your mil is a nut. I guess that if she rode to the restaurant with you, then you and your dh couldn't just walk out on her. But that is what she deserved.

A. No, you're not spending a lot of money on food. You would be horrified at how much I spend, and most of it isn't gluten free. I just have a big family.

B. Your husband needs to tell this woman that you could suffer from repeated miscarriages if you go off the diet. That might shut her up. (Of course this assuming that she is normal enough to want grandchildren - she may not be)

C. You need to limit your time with her as much as possible.

Just because somebody is a relative doesn't mean that you have to spend lots of time with them.

Also, the rest of the family knows that she's a gossip and a jerk, so don't waste your time worrying about what they think.

I"ve got to run, so I don't have time to expound on evil mother-in-laws.

[lynnelise]

Your mother in law's behavior was way out of line! I don't know if I could've controlled myself I heard mine say something like that, to a waitress no less! I spend twice as much as you on groceries per week so I don't think you are overspending by any means, I think that lady is just crazy and wants to hold a grudge against you! Most the time dinner out costs us close to your weekly grocery budget so if anything dining out is the waste of money.

[MagpieWrites]

Thanks all.

I should know by now to not let this... person get under my skin.

She is, well, impossible. Always has been, always will be. Before celiac there was still my shellfish allergy and it took three YEARS to get her to stop trying to shove shrimp onto my plate. The capping moment for THAT was when my husband found her rubbing lobster shell onto my plate while out at a restaurant to "Prove" I was just being difficult. A shouting fit from him explaining he had no problem having her charged with attempted murder finally stopped it.

It's... difficult. He's an only child AND adopted - and his parents are nits. He bought their house when he was 17 (Starting working like a dog when he was 15) and was always their personal slave. I don't think she expected ME to pop into his life. Suddenly - he had someone who thought he was wonderful, TOLD him he was wonderful, and was willing to work WITH him. Kinda crashed her little self-important world in on her. I'm not toeing the line to the little tyrant (Seriously, it's kinda funny when she tries. I'm 6'2 - she's 4'6. It's rather like being yelled at by a banty hen!) and she is running out of ways to try to exert control.

Celiac has become her new horse to whip. Constant comments of "Well, once you have kids you'll have to give up this nonsense" and "When the grandkids come to Grandma's what they eat is no one's business but mine" (starting to make me nervous - we're waiting until Christmas, but I DO want children.) and she tells EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE COME INTO CONTACT WITH about all my health "Flaws" and how big of a burden I am.

What really makes me nuts? First - as to HER budget. Even eating out with her husband 5 times a week - he spends about $250 a week on crap. (The woman lives on poptarts, cheesecrackers, and that jugged iced tea.) She does no cooking, and when she retired 7 years ago - she went to bed. She sleeps all day, watches tv all night, will go three days without bothering to brush her hair or teeth because she is bored. She only gets off her tuckus to go shopping or out to eat.

Her health? Let's see.... last two years she was dealing with anal cancer. And seriously... LOVED the colostomy bag, and made her husband deal with it "as it was too hard for her to be expected to manage". Got better (don't know how. I've lost family who fought like tigers - this woman skipped through it free and clear with no effort) than shattered her leg. Spent 4 weeks in a rehab center where we got taken aside and told "Look. We can't MAKE her get out of bed." and sent her home. No physical therapy, no work. Hernia surgery was the latest.... and I found nurses outside her room either crying or plotting murder because she was so terrible. She is on dozens on medications - including her favorite pain killers for a back issue from the late 60's.

As Ravenwoodglass suggested - at this point? I just want to MOVE. (We're 2.1 miles from them at the moment. Not that I measured it exactly, or anything! lol) It will be another 2 years before we can - but yeah. That's the plan.

Sorry to natter on and on. I'm usually able to handle her - it is rather like managing a violent and uncontrollable child that doesn't belong to you. I think my BIG shock came because I'd skipped the whole nonsense for almost a month (my husband has gotten his time with her down to one night a week he takes her out. To salve his conscious, make sure she DOES get dressed, and to give his dad a few hours off) and I suppose I'd gotten unused to how... insane the woman is. And it is always disconcerting to spend several hours with someone who views you as the sole reason for her misery and strife. (Sorry. I fell in love with her son. That was apparently an unforgivable crime. Luckily for me? He just thinks I'm extra special that I didn't run the other way screaming after I met his parents. I will grant... the fact he is adopted and there is no way for that genetic material to continue was something I was relieved about!)

One slightly insane Mother-In-Law, CHEAP! Any buyers?

[kareng]

She may actually be insane. I didn't realize she had a husband. Son needs to talk to Dad alone. Then talk to her doctors. They may be able to get her committed for a short time to get evaluated. I had a MIL with mental issues & we had to do this. Here you needed 2 doctors to agree & next of kin. Hub should tell them about the time you know of that she tried to kill you with the seafood. Who knows what she might do to you when your not looking. Also, what she might do to your someday babies. Never leave her with your children unless you are there. If you need a restroom, take them with you. Don't trust grandpa as in many ways he is going along with this crazy nonsense. Doesn't want to upset wife & might let her do something just to "keep the peace".

I'm sorry this is happening to you as you already have enough stress. A crazy MIL is a big strain on a marriage.

[Mskedi]

I thought people like that only existed in movies.

The shellfish thing is terrifying! And she does sound evil -- I'm glad to hear you've cut down your contact with her. Getting her a psych evaluation would probably be a good thing if it's possible.

Clearly, her rants have nothing to do with reality, so I wouldn't let anything she says get to you. Also, your husband sounds nothing short of awesome. Maybe next time (if there is a next time) you should bring headphones when you go out to eat with her and let her rant away.

[buffettbride]

Family of 4 here, and we're at about $300 per week.

What you spend on groceries is your business.

You deserve lots of yarn.

[mamaw]

You have gotten some wonderful responses! I'm sure for many of us this all rings so true to our ears!But I think maybe your MIL wins the prize for her actions & comments...maybe a one way ticket to never never land!!!!

She is the one with the problem here..... kick-em when there down must be her mantra!!!

First off, it is NONE of her business how you & her son live your lives or how much income you have or do not have....totally off base. It doesn't appear that having a shouting match will work, tak

lking to her will not work, explaining to her probably will not work so tell her to go straight to hell & leave you alone. She sounds like a manic depressive. certainly a mental disorder & way to much time on her hands & little mind. Maybe she finds joy in other people's sadness.... When I encounter people like this I try to love them to death, sweet & kind --- it drives them crazy....my reward.........

Since your hubby feels the same way about her then I would break the ties, no contact, no conversations... This will also drive her nuts because she will not know what's happening in your lives ..I have seen this approach turn people around & figure out what they did or did not do. SHe sounds hard core so I'm not sure this will work for her. But at least you will have your sanity & husband too......

You deserve respect & she is not giving you that..... she will get hers someday or maybe she already has & this is the way she deals with it....

Ditch mommy dearest asap.......

blessings

mamaw

Ps-- Your food budget sounds very low to me!!!!! Spend more.......

[Ahorsesoul]

I heard once that how we treat our mils is how our children will expect their spouses and children to treat us. You are setting an excellent example. Try to keep it that way even if she is way (way way) out of line. You are an angel!

Good answers:

1. "You are right about that" Think about it, if she is complaining about you, just say this. It's not that you really agree with her but it's a good way to toss her for a loop. "My son shouldn't have married you" "Yep, you are right about that" She wants to make you mad and upset you, block her.

2. "I am very lucky my husband had such great parents" Again you are not saying she is the parent.

3. "My husband and I agree that our children will be gluten free and organic fed. They will not be allowed to visit anyone who does not want to feed them that way." Again you are not telling her the grand-kids can not come to visit, it's up to her.

4. And the next time a family member surveys your shopping cart, just mention that you are eating this way to avoid getting anal cancer because you've seen how terrible it has effected your mil. Lay your hand on their arm and say you are praying they don't get this type of problem since it runs in families. Let them know that you wish dear mil would take better care of her health so when you decide to have children, her grand-kids will be able to know her for many years. (note, I didn't say enjoy her, sorry mil)

5. You have a wonderful husband. Don't let the mil come between the two of you.

[TrillumHunter]

It's always good to have a catch phrase to go to when she says something awful. Something like, "Oh my, that's something..." You can mentally fill in the blanks.

There are lots of snappy comebacks, but you have to be the kind of person who can do it. I get the feeling you aren't really like that. Nothing wrong with that as long as you don't let her get you down. Let your husband's love make you mil resistant! And, don't see her very often.

Could I feed the five of us for $27.50 per week? Uh, no. You are doing great with that!

[Black Sheep]

One slightly insane Mother-In-Law

Oh dear Lord, that is the understatement of the year! SLIGHTLY insane? This woman RUBBED LOBSTER ON YOUR PLATE?! What the---WOW. She may truly be demon-possessed. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Better yet, move, like you mentioned. Far away. And I agree with the person who said never let your kids be alone with her, once you have them. Ohmygosh, I have one precious granddaughter, 2 yrs. old. My son and his wife hate high-fructose corn syrup more than anything, and sugar almost as much, so when she's at Grandma and Grandpa's, she does NOT get this stuff. She gets lots nutritious food and fiber, which she really needs....we go for walks so she gets exercise....the kids love to have her here, not only because we're doting grandparents, but also because they can rest easy knowing that we will not feed her junk! O.k., once (pre-diagnosis) I was eating a Big Mac and gave her a couple of bites, which I admitted to my son.....he frowned and sternly said, "Mom....no more junk food." I have behaved myself since then, as THEY are the parents, and I respect that, and they're right--the kid doesn't need junk food!

You poor thing....at least you should be able to rest easy knowing your MIL is a complete whack-job, and your the sane one. Really, she is to be pitied....can you imagine being her? It's sad. I'll pray for her. And of course, you.

And btw--not that it's her business, but--$50 a week? Are you kidding? She should bless your frugal little heart for that! I don't even know what I spend a week, I spend so much I don't think I want to know! Good grief!

[ravenwoodglass]

Thanks all.

One slightly insane Mother-In-Law, CHEAP! Any buyers?

She does sound like she is mentally ill. Perhaps consider contacting your local social or elder services and see if there is any way to help. She may need medication and it doesn't sound like she can really take care of herself so they may be able to lead your husband and his Dad to a way to help her. Your father in law must be in a living hell or he has lived with her tirades for so long he is able to zone them out. At least on a consious level.

I am glad it does appear that your husband is standing up for you and I am glad you are planning on moving. If there is any way you can do it sooner it would be for the best. It is good to hear that you have been able to limit contact. I wouldn't even consider letting her ruin your Xmas or any other holiday. Couldn't you have a nice quiet celebration with your loving hubby at home instead? Or if you can't get out of going maybe your DH could tell her before you go that if she starts in you will both leave immediately, then do it whenever she acts up. If your out toss her cab fare on the way out the door.

[jackay]

Your mentally insane MIL possibly would not be mentally insane if she gave up gluten!

It is obvious that she would rather suffer than make any changes in her life. Possibly she enjoys her suffering in some sick way. That is her choice. It is your choice to not be a part of her abuse.

I have five grandkids and would never dream of feeding them anything or treating them in any way that their parents wouldn't approve of.

You are so fortunate that your husband is adopted. You know your kids will not inherit any of her traits.

[JNBunnie1]

Thanks all.

One slightly insane Mother-In-Law, CHEAP! Any buyers?

My father's mother isn't whacky, she's just evil. Plain, abusive, evil. I have no memories of her because he cut her off when I was a baby still. The extroardinary amount of work he had to do not to become just like her was simply astounding. Somehow, I broke the cycle and don't have an abusive bone in my body. But that probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was never subjected to her horrible behavior. Sometimes, toxic people, no matter their connection to you, just have to be let go.

On a brighter note, my mom is awesome and I can share her with you!