My Husband...

[weluvgators]

Taking into account that I do not know how young your children are, and speaking from my own experience, it is not always necessary to go and sit elsewhere to eat safely.

We do eat in the presence and at the same table as gluten eaters (assuming that we can establish protocols to ensure we can safely eat). "Isolation" is a protocol description that involves defining the parameter of the gluten free space. It is part of our little checklist that we go through to make sure that eating is safe. If we bring gluten free food to a party, we define our isolated space to maintain our safe gluten free serving area. Breeches in our isolation are troubling. When somebody sticks there who knows where it has been finger into something that is in our isolated space, it is troubling. When people stick their pizza laden hands into our eating space, it is also troubling. Learning how to cope with these mundane details that I would really rather not have to think about, much less discuss it with someone I hardly know, is socially awkward. Learning how to dance with a household partner to ensure that I don't need to obsess over too many things takes time, patience and practice. But I am totally grossed out by hygienic things that seldom got my attention before I had to learn about celiac. I think about very different things now than I did before. My husband has had to learn a lot too, but he doesn't want to admit that celiac is a big deal . . . nor do I to be perfectly honest. But, sometimes it just feels like such a big deal. . . especially when I have been glutened!!

[ciavyn]

weluvgators -- I do know how children eat and having been through that age...I completely understand the need to segregate. I made tater tots last night and my now 10 and 13 year old stepsons dug in with their fingers. No big deal, right? I made a separate plate for myself, as I could SEE the bread crumbs from their hot dog buns on their hands as they grabbed tater tots (last night was junk food night!). It's something to consider, especially given how small children (and older ones!) do not seem to blink an eye at sticky fingers!

[weluvgators]

If only it were *just* the kids! One of my examples was from other mothers at my daughter's school party! They threw a big party, but had no provisions for my child. Since I didn't want to add another "isolated" day to her school experience, we brought our own party to share. I established our gluten free serving space, but I was the only *safe* food server for the area! It is hard to educate everyone . . . and I don't really know how to effectively communicate these detailed needs . . . especially when I have been running around trying to just simply "pull it off" safely. But the mothers were coming up and picking food up with their fingers from our serving platters. I just don't know HOW to communicate my needs sometimes.

To top it all off, at that party they stuck the pizza box in the sink . . . the place that I needed to use to wash my hands off (one of the kids handed me his cup for a refill with his pizza hands).

I still marvel at American eating practices these days, but it certainly didn't cross my mind much before thinking about gluten and cross contamination in particular. It has given me an insight that is very hard to easily convey to others!

K8ling - I sure do hope that you are feeling better! It takes time for everyone in the family to understand the changes. We have certainly had our own struggles in doing this stuff. I am so sorry that you got glutened, and it sucks that it was your husband. My husband did this to me last week since I was working and didn't get dinner made - he was "helping" me! Oddly enough, he was kind enough to tell my DD what he did (she is our super duper silly girl), but I ate after they did and didn't get the warning!! Thankfully, he knows enough now that it wasn't a *bad* glutening (he used a "gluten free" spice that is just not gluten free enough for our most sensitive family members to eat without ANY symptoms). He got a firm, yet nice call the next morning when I realized what had happened. I wanted to review and confirm that I had identified the breech in our protocols. This particular product is to be used on HIS food, not OURS . . . so I really do not know what he was thinking . . . maybe he just wanted to know if we would know!? And it was yet another reminder for him that he needs to be more careful and considerate, especially if he wants to help! And realistically, he was probably just making himself dinner and forgot about the many painstaking details that are part of my autopilot now! Best wishes for a quick and speedy recovery!!

[ChristieKate]

Well, I am a professional therapist (although not a specialist in marriage counselling). I find the tone of anger, competition, testing and revenge that I've read in a few posts here, to be troubling and saddening. I don't really think this is about the gluten. A healthy relationship is one where the two partners really desire the other to be healthy and happy. That means BOTH partners.

That being said, I also am blessed to have the world's best husband. My husband found out about my peanut and nut allergies shortly after we started dating. A gluten kiss makes some sick. A peanut kiss lands me in the hospital in critical condition. He's never begrudged giving up nuts for me and I'm always appreciative of the sacrifices he's made. We love each other and value each other and want each other to be healthy. Now, I've added celiac to the long list of "issues" he's got to deal with with me. First day of diagnosis, he went out and bought a new bread machine for our family. I know he might make a mistake trying to get all this straight, but I also know it will be a mistake, and I will not try to exact revenge on him for it.

[kareng]

I went to a school banquet. I brought my own main meal and a plate of gluten-free cookies to share. I didn't worry about gluttony finger because, I brought a separate baggie of cookies for me. I think either serve your child first or bring a separate stash of the same item that you can keep clean. If any cookies are left, give them away or throw out. This would take a lot of stress out of the class parties.

[K8ling]

It does...but I'd be willing to bet, K8ling, that this isn't the only issue the two of you have. May I suggest some couples counseling? You are dealing with a serious issue -- food -- and it stresses you out and frustrates you. What do you think it does to those around you? Do you have any idea how frustrated they are? Trust me -- they are. My husband still struggles dealing with my eating and feels resentful about it. I get mad at him...but I do understand. I'm NOT saying that what your hubby did was right...but it sounds like there are some other issues that haven't been worked through. Get an outside presence -- chaplain, counselor, pastor -- to counsel you two and figure out how to work together on this. It's extremely hard to adjust to, and the emotional strain, not to mention the physical symptoms, can push you over the edge.

HAHA No actually this IS one of the only issues we have (the other being ME being primary parent half the year and him respecting that). I just get fiery when I get sick AND pms-sy. The thing with him being gone so much is that we CAN'T have issues like that because the strain from a marriage split across the world is hard enough. We talk everything out, and we did talk about that once I got off the bathroom floor. The biggest thing was we was being a smartass and trying to be funny when I clearly was not feeling it, and I didn't even recognize it. He apologized and brought me lime gatorade and gluten-free crackers after, but he gets it now why I throw certain things away. He thought he was being careful, and he wasn't. He also told me that he had touched the loaf of bread w/gluten fingers and then lied about not touching it because he was irritated he messed up. I told him it is IMPERATIVE that he is honest with me about that because I will get sick. It's not me being difficult it's my BODY not tolerating it.

We also talked about handwashing mainly, he is going to do it lol.

Any yes, I know how it sounded but I really was venting (and we had already had many discussions regarding CC in which I thought this had beed adequately addressed- apparently not).

I promise our marriage is fine and we have dealt with this issue. Fingers crossed, they won't happen again (at least not THIS way)

[K8ling]

Sheesh, wishing that your husband would deploy because he stuck his finger in some bbq sauce?????? You are very lucky you have a husband and you should be thanking God that he is in the US and is safe.

There are bigger issues that your family is facing and from the sound of it, your family is losing. How sad for you.

My husband sometimes makes mistakes too. He used my toaster instead of his... big deal. I wouldn't wish him deployed because of it.

And putting the sauce in his sock drawer... that's not the way to solve your issues. Now take a deep breath and realize how lucky you are!

ok this may sound snarky because it is, a little bit.

1) If you aren't a fellow spouse you have no idea what we go through so don't tell me what I SHOULD be doing. Until YOU have a heart attack when a plain chevy pulls into your driveway on Christmas day because you think it's the grief squad, I don't want to hear it.

2) I was VENTING. And I only said that because it's easier for me to keep the kitchen gluten-free. I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder (well, not as much). HE laughed and said "Yeah yeah, crunchy socks and all that". He's said it to ME before when I asked him to mow the lawn. To him, his deployments are like summer camp excursions. He likes them. I HATE having him gone, he HATES being away from us, but he has told me on multiple occasions that he LIKES his job. So it's not that big of a deal to us (or even other spouses) where as to a civilian they get all bent out of shape over us being "bad wives"

3) Our family is doing just fine. We have a healthy, thriving little boy, and I am getting my masters. My husband would walk across glass for me, and I would do it for him as well. Deployments STRENGTHEN marriages that were built on good foundations, and ours had an excellent foundation. Yes, our marriage is not typical. We both have strong personalities, but IF we fight (not often) it's over and resolved quickly. we are faithful and we love each other to the ends of the earth. You have to when you are separated that much.

So if you want to judge my marriage based on ONE VENT that is fine. But just know that you are judging based off of flawed information. It's like asking me if I was nice during labor. NO I wasn't nice during labor, and I am not nice during a glutening, especially one that wasn't even my fault.

[K8ling]

Well, I am a professional therapist (although not a specialist in marriage counselling). I find the tone of anger, competition, testing and revenge that I've read in a few posts here, to be troubling and saddening. I don't really think this is about the gluten. A healthy relationship is one where the two partners really desire the other to be healthy and happy. That means BOTH partners.

That being said, I also am blessed to have the world's best husband. My husband found out about my peanut and nut allergies shortly after we started dating. A gluten kiss makes some sick. A peanut kiss lands me in the hospital in critical condition. He's never begrudged giving up nuts for me and I'm always appreciative of the sacrifices he's made. We love each other and value each other and want each other to be healthy. Now, I've added celiac to the long list of "issues" he's got to deal with with me. First day of diagnosis, he went out and bought a new bread machine for our family. I know he might make a mistake trying to get all this straight, but I also know it will be a mistake, and I will not try to exact revenge on him for it.

Please do take into account that a lot of what we say is in response to having been made sick. Not all of us have a perfect husband. I know MINE has said that it's been hard for him, and we are working through it but it is a process for ALL of us who are married. We won't "exact revenge" but we also might vent about it. Your husband went out and bought a new breadmaker....I had to beg for a new toaster. I minored in Psych, so I see what you are talking about, but Celiac and Gluten allergies can test a relationship BECAUSE it is in everything. It's not necessarily a matter of not loving or respecting, but testing boundaries. My husband likes to test boundaries (There's no way this TIIINY bit can make her sick...). I think you get a skewed idea of what our relationships are like because it's not a true illustration. You only see the irritation and frustration. Not the part where they come home with gluten-free cookies, or try their hand at a gluten-free dinner (because we don't hop on to immediately tell you).

[ravenwoodglass]

Please do take into account that a lot of what we say is in response to having been made sick.

The key to everything is in this statement. Some of us are 'lucky' and only get an upset tummy or a rash when glutened. Others however have severe neuro impact that can frankly make us very irrational. The folks that don't have that impact might find it hard to understand our Jeckle and Hyde personality under gluten. Under gluten we are, to use a not politically correct term, nuts. This passes but I do think that when we are in the middle of a glutening what we say needs to be understood for what it is. A brain impact that will pass. This should be a safe place for us vent but we also need to be aware when we do that others may misinterpret what we are venting.

For myself the 'crazies' pass within a couple days, I hope they resolve that quickly for you.

[Jestgar]

ok this may sound snarky because it is, a little bit.

vent away honey! No one knows your life as well as you do, and people forget that the way they read something may not be the way you wrote it. I'm glad you could rant to us instead of your husband, I'm sure it made things easier to work out in the long run.

[ChristieKate]

Please do take into account that a lot of what we say is in response to having been made sick. Not all of us have a perfect husband. I know MINE has said that it's been hard for him, and we are working through it but it is a process for ALL of us who are married. We won't "exact revenge" but we also might vent about it. Your husband went out and bought a new breadmaker....I had to beg for a new toaster. I minored in Psych, so I see what you are talking about, but Celiac and Gluten allergies can test a relationship BECAUSE it is in everything. It's not necessarily a matter of not loving or respecting, but testing boundaries. My husband likes to test boundaries (There's no way this TIIINY bit can make her sick...). I think you get a skewed idea of what our relationships are like because it's not a true illustration. You only see the irritation and frustration. Not the part where they come home with gluten-free cookies, or try their hand at a gluten-free dinner (because we don't hop on to immediately tell you).

Thanks for taking time to respond. For the record, I don't believe I said my husband was perfect. Neither am I. So really, it wouldn't be fair if he was!

I do understand that we say things when we are feeling sick that we don't mean. But I don't see how you can express it in such strong terms and then seem surprised that some people respond with "chill" (a paraphrase!) rather than "you go girl". It seems to me that the latter response is just as inappropriate if it also doesn't reflect how you're really feel about your husband. But I don't see that being questioned. I think if anyone posts on a public forum they should expect some people to agree and some people to disagree. Otherwise, we would post with instructions - "only respond if you think I'm right" and that wouldn't be helpful would it?

On an aside, I've read a lot on here about how a gluten exposure can lead to irrational and impulsive behaviour. Can someone please provide a link to a credible source about this? I find it very interesting considering I deal in my work specifically with people with extreme interpersonal and impulsivity issues. I've found lots of info on other neurological symptoms but haven't found anything yet on this. Thanks!

[ciavyn]

K8ling -- I'm glad this is just a vent! But you did some pretty harsh things, so that is the response you are going to get, right or wrong. It sounds like you ARE doing what you need to do for your health, and that your husband is trying. And I hope you continue to understand that this does put a strain on everyone -- I for one, am thrilled to hear that this was just frustration speaking.

However, as you can see, a lot of people on here really care about your life and your well-being. Sometimes it's good to know we can go some place and share honestly, and know others are going to offer some advice...and maybe even hold our feet to the fire a little.

Best of luck, and I hope you are feeling much better.

[gorgeous6]

A 2003 study indicates that 41% of adults and 60% of children are asymptomatic. I consider myself as asymptomatic before going gluten free. Hindsight gives me a slightly different perspective on my asymptomatic status, but there was nothing alarming or intolerable in my life. I was considered healthy and well by all. The symptoms that I now experience with gluten exposure are alarming and intolerable. So, it feels really weird sometimes. I was *fine* before. Now I don't seem so *fine*, as I must be very careful with my food choices. So, my perspective on the psychosocial implications is slightly different.

And to call life "normal" doesn't seem to fully acknowledge the social implications that some of us face. I have three very young children (now 2, 5 and 6) that are all incredibly sensitive to gluten. The social situations that we routinely face in our attempts to be "normal" are challenging. As we have attempted to enter the school system in the past year, there have been so many things to consider. They routinely face protocols of isolation and exclusion because they cannot fully participate in many of the planned activities, including daily ones. While we do our best to accommodate and provide substitutions when possible, it is difficult. We have donated an incredible amount of stuff - both food and supplies - to help improve their school environments. And as we get ready to celebrate our daughter's kindergarten graduation, complete with a "cookie party", I am working to produce our gluten free cookies so that *we* CAN participate. I also will be facing navigation and selected isolation protocols (to be developed when we see how this celebration is set up) to keep my other children safe. Yes, it is relatively easy and matter of course for us now, but it has taken us four years to get here. And it sure doesn't feel *normal*.

My husband is unsupportive of my celiac disease, because he says that in Mexico(where he is from)they never have any of these problems that Americans supposedly have. My son is showing many symptoms, and I'm getting him tested next month. I can keep him off the gluten, but when he's with my husband or my mother(who also has symptoms) they do not take it seriously. Does anybody have any advice for me?

[ravenwoodglass]

My husband is unsupportive of my celiac disease, because he says that in Mexico(where he is from)they never have any of these problems that Americans supposedly have. My son is showing many symptoms, and I'm getting him tested next month. I can keep him off the gluten, but when he's with my husband or my mother(who also has symptoms) they do not take it seriously. Does anybody have any advice for me?

Your family needs to understand how sick you son can get from gluten if he needs to be gluten free. Do make sure you don't take your son gluten free until all the testing, including the endoscopy if he is having one, is finished. There is a high rate of false negatives in both adults and children so a diet trial needs to be done no matter what the results. You can start the diet the day the testing is finished you don't need to wait on the results.

You might want to start a new thread asking for advice on how to deal with your husband and relatives. You should get some helpful replies as many of us have had to deal with that. I was very fortunate and had a great deal of family support so I don't have too much advice on that issue.

[K8ling]

Wow this is super old. Sean and I have worked it out and he understands now. This was from when I was first diagnosed. He's awesome now