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Am I Right To Feel Offended?
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11 posts in this topic

So, my sis-in-law is in town with her family. They are staying with us for the week. She wanted to go to this chinese restaurant for dinner one night, and she knows I am on a horribly restrictive diet, especially the gluten-free part. So she asked me to still come with even though I wasn't eating there. I was expected to sit there for 1-2 hours while everyone ate in front of me and took their sweet time BSing. The place would be a cross contamination nightmare. And I would be miserable.

I am fairly certain this specific place won't let you bring in your own meal. And, I am on the anti-candida diet which they would not be able to comply with. I don't. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive (I am almost always very laid back about the restrictions around my diet, but this bothers me).

My husband thought she was being insensitive by wanting us to go someplace I cannot eat. She could go with anyone else and do one of the safe restaurants with us if she wanted us to eat out together. He told her 2 places I know I can get a decent meal, and that chinese was not an option for me. He is also bothered by this and thinks she was really insensitive.

Am I right to be offended by her expecting me to sit at a restaurant and watch everyone else eat? My only option would have been to eat when I got back home, which could be hours later. Eating before wouldn't have worked because it takes a while for me to cook my food and eat, and they would have been impatient and bitching that I'm holding them up.

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I sincerely hope you invited her to go enjoy herself at the Chinese restaurant .  That was very inconsiderate of her, especially since she knows what you're going through.  Your husband's right, you're right, sister is all wrong in this instance,

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Wow, that is terrible. Your SIL is being not only insensitive but sabotaging your efforts to stay healthy. I am sorry to hear that.

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I'm afraid your husband is right! Your sister in law is being insensitive and selfish. She is coming to stay at your home for a week, where, as a guest, you will be taking care of her and her family, then she expects you to go and eat at some place where she knows very well your will be unable to eat anything? What? Stick to your guns, and make sure she knows you are not flexible on this issue.

It is virtually impossible to find a gluten free Chinese restaurant let alone trying to cope with an anti-candida diet. Do not be pressured or made to feel you need to justify yourself and for goodness' sake don't risk it. Put another way, if any of her family were allergic to peanuts, would you expect them to eat one?

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She was being very selfish.  Your hubs is right to be upset.  I am inviting YOU to be a little offended :-)  There are certain situations (this is not one) where I want to join a group enough that I will go somewhere that I have no intention of eating if I am able to eat beforehand.  It's rare though.  

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She and her kids are staying with you for a week?  I would say "Have a nice time.  Take my kids & your brother with you with you."  And have a nice break from them and cooking for them.  Enjoy a couple of hours of quiet.

 

I don't think she was trying to offend you.  She just didn't think about it.  But you know her and if she is always trying to be mean or offend people, then she probably was.

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When I visited home (2000 miles away) several years ago, there were many places I fondly remembered always going to. I wanted to go to many of them while I was there. It didn't occur to me to ask if my family wanted to patronized these places or not. They were free to come, or not. Yes, I was there to visit them. I was also there to do things that I wanted to do that had absolutely nothing to do with my family.

 

Also, I find that with my dietary restrictions there are less and less places that my family in Utah is willing to eat that I can eat. So? I go and enjoy the company and order something exciting to drink. A fair amount of places here offer microbrewed sodas. (I don't drink or I'd order wine.) She probably wasn't attempting to be rude by wanting to go somewhere in particular to eat. She also (judging by how my family is) simply wanted to make the most of her time there by wanting you to come along so you could spend the time together. Frankly, I find it rude to expect everyone else to eat only where I am able to with the vast dietary restrictions I have. Especially when they're visiting. I always tell them to pick a place and I will make my life work.

 

I'm with Karen. I would have simply told everyone to go and enjoyed the time alone if they're there for an entire week.

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As someone already said, you know her and we don't. But i would NOT have been offended. Maybe she really likes Chinese and had a craving for it. Maybe she knew everybody else wanted Chinese too. I would have eaten a Lara bar or something to hold me over until I got home, and gone with them to enjoy the company and conversation.

 

I ALWAYS try to make my dietary restrictions a non-issue. That way I don't make my friends so uncomfortable about inviting me that they just leave me out. I have been going every week lately to a local restaurant where there is nothing safe for me to eat, but all my friends go and I enjoy their company and the music. No one minds that I'm not eating and neither do I. I just eat before (and usually a snack after) I go.

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I'm with bart and adelaide on this one - unless she has a history of being insensitive, or this falls under "I'm staying with you and, therefore, treating you and your family to dinner in return." category.  I will frequently just have a drink while sharing dinner with folks so that I'm still part of the party. And, as for eating before, you could have just had something simple that didn't require cooking, no?   (I keep a Kind Bar in my purse for these sorts of things)

 

However, I also like the "you go and take everyone and I'll stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet option".  Yes, I like that option very much!

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I think it depends on whether you want to go and spend time with the people (eat before/after, take a snack, have a drink) or not. If not, just say you can't go and that's that. No worries. If she gets offended, that's her problem.

 

When I go out with a friend or two, I'm usually the one picking the place. If I'm invited to a dinner with a bunch of people, I usually research the place to see if I can have anything, and if not, I eat beforehand or take a snack. In those cases its more about spending time with people than the eating, As long as I get myself fed safely.

 

Now, if, say, someone arranged something FOR me (like a birthday or whatever) and I couldn't eat anything, then I'd be pretty pissed.

 

However, Chinese food is out of the question. If the menu has more than 25% of items with "wheat gluten" in it, there's no way I'm touching anything. (Unfortunately, this includes some of my boyfriend's favourite vegetarian restaurants).

 

Tell your sister to go have a nice dinner, and you'll see her later.

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Thank you for all the responses. It helps a lot to get other's perspectives. I guess it wasn't just that she wanted me to go to dinner and not eat that bothered me, but it is a combination of everything she's done since she got here. This happened on Sunday and was still bugging me, so I wanted to get some feedback. She ended up changing her plans anyway, and went to a local AA meeting before picking up chinese and bringing it back for everyone. Ended up working out great for me, but the guys had to eat really late.

She planned this trip so all the family could meet the baby, but she has been very self-focused and has blown off the family to do whatever.She is actually jealous that her bro took her hubby fishing, which he does everytime they have come. The poor guy is here dealing with his in-law and wife's old friends, so it's nice to have someone do something for him. But she doesn't like him getting attention. She has to be the center of the universe. So, she was insulted that neither of us took time off work and we aren't feeding her all the attention she wants. We can't afford to take time off. We have given them free reign and opened our house to them, but she said we are making them feel unwelcomed. For instance, one of her beefs has to do with us making salsa when her friends were visiting. The only time we can make it is the weekend, and we always set up in the livingroom to do the chopping. We did wait to do the actual canning until the guests left. But apparently we were rude for cutting produce in the livingroom. Oh well.

Anyway, back to the eating out. It is usually not much of an issue. The ACD diet is making it difficult. I have gone out and just hung out while others conversed over food. Those times have been strictly a way for us to see.each other in one place before going our seperate ways. My husband refuses to go eat somewhere I can't go unless it's just him, of course. Thanks again.

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