Blues Boulevard

Alright, I'm ready to get off the ride now. I had some dairy a few weeks back and reacted to it. I'm going on a trip and thought it would be a good idea to reintroduce some intolerant foods so that I might try the swanky hotel gluten-free food. *ouch!* It was around the same time my mom went on hospice and a few other potential disasters came in that day. Just as I was dealing with the hospice evaluation, the director at my mom's place said she wanted to move someone into my Mom's room (a roommate). That is not going to work while we are sharing memories, looking at pictures and the like. Wrong! In addition, my mom has been put on a puréed diet and I had to get involved because they were serving her puréed hamburger which disgusted her and she has more presence of mind than most of us even in her condition. She only weighs 100 lbs and once she starts refusing to eat, it's all over. Do I really have to go over all the NORMAL foods a person in her condition CAN eat like scrambled eggs, smoothies, oatmeal, mashed potatoes, soup, etc.?? My body is reacting from all of the stress. *argh*. I don't want to be sick for my mom! :*-(. I WANT TO BE FULLY PRESENT FOR HER.

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Next, the trip: hubs is going on a business trip and spouses have been invited. Two of the people going I haven't seen in a few years. Six of them I've never met. So much has changed and I really have been living in a bubble recovering the best I can. I do not feel ready to face the world at this point.

I am taking travel cookware to cook in the hotel room and will join everyone for dinner and not eat. There are so many things I want to scream about and, since I'm too tired to actually scream, I'll just type it here:

1) I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS! My husband wants me to listen to Wheat Belly to arm myself with facts. Can't he just keep speaking for me?? I'm tired, don't want the attention and now must give everyone an education? B-o-r-i-n-g!!

2) I DONT WANT TO LEAVE MY MOM! This one is very difficult for me. The closer I get to the time, the less I worry about something critical happening but you never know. Leaving her is tough and I don't want to do it AT ALL.

3) I'M TOO TIRED TO TRAVEL AND SOCIALIZE. If it was one night, I could pull it off, but three in a row + probably some activities during the day? I am not sure I'm going to get through this.

4) I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY TIME COOKING WHILE IN A SWANKY HOTEL. Well, I guess I'm spoiled but I'd really rather be served and pampered on this trip than spending my extra time cooking for myself.

5) I FEEL LIKE IM ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN AND I HATE IT!! In the old days (the 90s before becoming ill) I loved doing things like this. Now I'm exhausted. Putting on a good face exhausts me. Cooking exhausts me, I'm way too tired to figure out my spiel. I want to enjoy this time away but its difficult for me to find what used to make me happy. I should be happy, right? Swanky hotel, nice people. It seems like there's an asterisk at the end of everything I used to enjoy and I'm sad/mad about it. I always enjoyed people and now I feel like I need to be armed with why I can't participate. I've always been inclusive and kind to people who don't quite fit in and now I'm one of them. (Actually, I was one of them as a child too.)

6) I BELIEVE I'LL BE A BAD AMBASSADOR OF MY FAMILY. It's always been so easy to socialize and enjoy others. It's how I was raised. I used to entertain with a song and laughter. Now I am in this weird world where I can't blend in or grease the wheels. I feel like the cog that won't comply. I REALLY HATE THIS. I FRIGGING HATE THIS. I'll probably figure out others don't require my entertainment to enjoy themselves. I just don't feel like I have much to contribute. What value do I offer to anyone else? That was my role.

Alright, I may have more later. It feels good to get this off my chest here. It's getting to the point where I have to put on a good face for everyone and I think I'll be limiting my ranting to here from now on.

You have no idea how grateful I am that this place exists. I feel so alone right now.