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The Struggles

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Today as I write this I feel that weird depression that comes on after being glutenized. The way it happens for me is I get the return of intense diarrea, stomach cramping, etc. and then my joints and back flair up. It is such a process to recover from a mistaken gluten run in. This time it came from activa yogurt by the company dannon. Long story short I found out the hard way that they use gluten in their "natural flavoring." My wife called the company to check after my symptoms started. One of the many problems has been that the process of finding out that I'm celiac was so complex and confusing that I seem to go to this place a lot where I feel like maybe I'm not celiac, maybe there is just something possibly mental or IBS like. Its unfair to do this to myself, but I will never forget having a GI specialist tell me to go ahead and eat all the gluten I wanted because of the results of the endoscopy. That night I celebrated by having a slice of pizza, but the next week I paid the cost by being out of work, on the toilet and with a back flair up. I now know that it would have been wise for him to ask me more about the circumstances leading up to the procedure. You see after my back surgery i was put on a large amount of pharmaceuticals and eventually as I felt they were harming more than helping, I stopped taking all of them. This sudden disruption kicked my body into cleansing mode and the toilet and I became glued to each other for about two weeks. After learning how to manage my pain in more natural and healthy ways there was still this left over digestive problem. By the time I finally went to a GI specialist I had been hardly eating anything let alone gluten. I had lost up to 40 pounds by that time and was sent to him because though my bloodwork came back as negative for celiac it seemed close enough and with enough irregularities to warrant a colonoscopy and endoscopy procedure. For the veterans out there you are probably thinking to yourselves why didn't they have me eat gluten or make sure it was in my diet before they did these tests, especially when multiple physicians kept coming to the same conclusion that it looks like celiac. All of that said, I wanted to share with others these moments of self doubt and how unhelpful they are. My body knew what it needed (that's why when I was having the digestive troubles I had no cravings for anything really with gluten in it), but I gave a lot of my power to the "white coat." I would never propose that our egos or our own storylines not be checked or that we not listen to professionals, but I think it is good to remember that this is new, and a lot of the seemingly expert sounding advice from some docs is really insecurity masked. I say some docs because my primary physician gets it and I have read the research and advice of others that do too. What I have learned as a celiac is the importance of being fully involved in my everyday health and not leaning it all on the professionals. I think this rings true in politics,religion and many other areas as well. This site has helped me get through some dark times this past year and I write this just to return the favor after reading so many others. It can be real difficult. I'm still learning, but learning in so many ways. it is amazing how digestion can hold the symbols and metaphors for a lot in life.....

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