You Might Be Celiac If....

[Lisa]

This tread was started several years ago. It adds some wonderful humor to our daily difficulties. Hope you all enjoy this, AGAIN.

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You might be a celiac if...

1. The centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine.

2. Your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play Doh.

3. Your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.

4. The only way you will eat your bread is toasted.

5. You've paid over $5 for a loaf of bread.

6. You make your own pizza

7. You visit a health food store at least twice a week.

8. You buy most of your food on the Internet.

9. One of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo Cookies" (and/or Cheerios)

10. There are Garage Sale stickers on all your kitchen food containers.

11. You have argued about and read articles about distilled vinegar and oats.

12. You've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.

13. You've ever been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.

14. At Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.

15. You are a strictly brand name shopper

16. You've ever had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.

17. You weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.

18. You weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

19. You've ever "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner party.

20. You have written "contaminated" on jars of peanut butter.

21. You have become friends with the customer service representatives at every company.

22. The customer service representatives at every company recognize your voice.

23. You know the difference between an allergy and an intolerance...and you care.

24. You have two of everything in your kitchen (pots, pans, wooden spoons, etc.).

25. You are afraid of spices and in restaurants, ask for your food "naked."

26. You are afraid of and have nightmares about bagels, pizza, and cake.

27. You make many phone calls from the supermarket.

28. You know what disodium phosphate, tartaric acid, and quinoa are...and care.

29. You know who Danna Korn, Peter Green, and Anne Lee are.

30. You bring many, many lists with you to the supermarket.

31. The first thing you do, upon reaching an unfamiliar location, is pinpoint the location of the nearest bathroom.

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32. You have ever tried to explain to a waiter that "it is necessary to use clean pans for you food" and he stares back at you in disbelief.

33. You ordered a salad with no croutons and the entire time its being made you wish you could go back to the kitchen and watch them prepapre it but were afraid to ask.

34. You have taken a poop at all of your friends and relatives houses, even if you just met them...

35. You have explained to people the difference/similarities between Modified Food Starch and Modified Corn Starch at least 50 times (or you know what disodium phosphate is -- celiac3270)

36. You ask Asian restaurants if they have baked or mashed potatoes

37. You ask every restaurant if they have baked/mashed potatoes

38. You've kissed someone who just drank beer and wonder if you will get sick

39. You've kissed someone who just drank a beer and you really wanted their beer instead of your vodka/tonic, wine, spritzer, ......

40. You've responded to someone's post on a website about bowel problems and were brutally honest about your own "issues with bowels"

41. You read this post and laughed because you've "been there"

Oh, just thought of a few more:

42. People think you're on the Atkins diet

43. You've asked for a bunless burger...and been looked at as if you have three heads.

44. You've asked about the ingredients of shampoo

45. You post on this board...that's not funny, though

. You've washed your telephone after your child/spouse has answered it while eating.

47. You've checked all cups in a coffee shop for crumb residue.

48. You can say Kinnikinnick 10 times fast without making a mistake

49. With just one quick whiff, you can pinpoint the brand name and fragrance of every air freshener on the market!

50. You have had to leave the room because someone else was eating Pizza Hut's breadsticks and they smelled TOOOOOOO good!

51. Someone else complains of IBS, and you tell them to quit eating gluten!

52. Or you know someone that was dx with diverticulitis and you tell them to stop eating gluten!!!

53. You don't know what a "normal" bowel movement is.

54. You thought of (or started) a topic called "you might be a celiac if...."

55. Eating out is a "death sentence" not an enjoyable event!

56. All you eat at the church pot luck dinner is jello

57. Your tears compete with your drool when you pass a Krispy Kreme!!!

58. Carry some type of medication with 24/7 (ie Immodium)

59. At least once a day smile and say, "Sorry, I can't have that"

60. Have been lectured on your crazy dieting and told to just forget about your weight

61. Have survived for some period of time solely on rice or peanut butter

62. Physically flinch at the feel of bread or similar product

63. Feel nauseous at the sight of some gluten filled food

64. Have mastered the art of passing gas in public

65. You read this list to your SO (who doesn't have celiac) and they laughed right along with you.

66. You have ever thought you might explode from holding in a fart too long while in public

67. You have ever had nightmares about being trapped in the bread aisle in the grocery store

68. You have ever had a meltdown from actually BEING trapped in the bread aisle in the grocery store.

69. You call a dream about eating pizza and chocolate cake a NIGHTMARE!!

70. You read a topic called Cheating and you just KNOW it's not about her husband and her best friend!!

71. Your answer to this joke: "Why did the lion spit out the clown?" is something like... "Because the lion had celiac and as his fangs began to clench down he saw out of the corner of his eye that the clown's hand was holding a slice of pizza ?" When the real answer is: "Because the clown tasted funny!"

72. You pay $1.59 for a 12 oz bottle of rootbeer!

73. You?re glad that summer is here. Not because the winter is too cold, but because in summer you can enjoy the hot fudge sundaes with the fries at McDonalds better.

74. You never leave the house for longer than 5 hours without taking some food with you.

75. There is a banquet where you will get honored and you?ve asked, if you can get the entry ticket for the party that includes the banquet food, for a cheaper price, because you can?t eat there anyway (don?t laugh, that happened to me two weeks ago).

76. Everybody on your sports travel team knows that there are some ?celiacs? on the team and what these celiacs can and can?t have, including the medication, when you get hurt at competition. And every non-celiac keeps their fingers of the ?celiac-travel-cooler?.

77. You have an extra first aid celiac medication kit for the celiacs in your travel team and everybody (even the non-celiacs) knows, where it is.

78. Your hubby sits in front of the television in the evening while you surf on www.celiac.com.

[dandelionmom]

That had me giggling away! Thanks for reposting it!

[Lisa]

We have to give celiac3270 credit for putting this list together with contributions from everyone.

[JennyC]

Thanks for posting!

[Guest j_mommy]

Toooo funny!!!! That was great.

[cmom]

Here's another one for the list:

The first time you had a "normal" bowel movement, you wanted to call everyone in to come look at it and throw a party!

[justanotherday]

LMAO!!!!

Thank you!

[njbeachbum]

this is hilarious, thanks for posting... mostly hilarious because it's so scary that it's all true. it's crazy b/c i was recently diagnosed and went through all of this stuff for years before being diagnosed... and you think you're the only freak out there that's "abnormal". anyway, one thing to add... i've been gluten-free only since the beginning of December and i've recently been having LOTS of dreams where i'm pigging out on gluteny stuff! a couple of nights ago i binged on a bag of pretzels, last week it was a pork roll, egg and cheese on a big crusty bagel shop bagel (tear), and before that it was a dunkin donuts binge on donuts and a big yummy muffin. it's funny what your mind does to you in your sleep!!

[kbtoyssni]

Thanks for posting - this is always good for a laugh. I saw another list that printed out and put up in my cube at work. The first one was "You read the ingredients on green tea - plain green tea." A coworker read it was with a confused look said "I don't get it." Yeah, well, that's how you know you're not a celiac