Celiac.com Sponsor (A1):


Join eNewsletter


Celiac.com Sponsor (A1-m):



Join eNewsletter

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Sweetfudge

Just Needing To Vent...not Really Related To Anything, Just My Life

Recommended Posts

ok, so i feel really lost right now. i don't know what i'm doing w/ my life, where i'm going, where i WANT to be going. i feel as though my life has just been a waste the last couple of years. i'm not happy w/ myself, or my marriage. i haven't really gone anywhere careerwise. i've quit 2 jobs, and i'm a 3rd year freshman in college. i have been holding onto my full time job for 3 months now, but it's so exhausting and i hate my manager. don't really know why i'm doing it, other than it's just another motion i go through.

i'm out of shape, unhealthy, and i have absolutely no sex drive, which has been the driving force in ruining my marriage, along w/ the fact that i am not in love w/ my husband. i don't want to give up on it, b/c he is a good guy, i'm just not crazy about him like i used to be, and i never want to be intimate. we're like roomies who sleep in the same bed. i also don't want to feel like a failure, because everyone told us when we got married that we wouldn't last b/c we were too young, and they thought we were just getting married for the sex (ironic isn't it). plus i don't know what i'd do w/ myself. probably just move home w/ my mom, but then i'd have to fix myself up, and start dating again, to find a guy who could handle me, because i really do want to have a family. how the hell do you make yourself fall back in love w/ someone? i want to, i really do. i just don't know how to go about doing it. i do care about him, a lot. he's my best friend, and he saved me when i was at rock bottom in my life. but i am not attracted to him, nor do i desire him. the only time i ever feel any desire is when i am asleep, i have a lot of really sexual dreams. what does that mean do you think? it's always with someone unattainable, like a celebrity or one of my married friend's husbands. i guess i'm just confused. what do i do, where do i go from here? how do i make things right? am i at the end of the road? am i too selfish, to immature, or just too lazy?

and then there's the issues i have w/ my family and my husband's family. that's a whole other topic, filled with frustration and resentment. sometimes i wish i could just disappear, start over somewhere else, where no one can find me. or take a trip to hollywood and convince wentworth miller to run away with me...lol like that would ever happen. not like he'd even want me. i'm such a mess right now.

i'm so tired of things not being right, and i don't know what to do...thanks for listening....


Sweetfudge

Born and raised in Portland, OR; Currently living in Provo, UT

Gluten-free since June 2006

Also living with Hypoglycemia since 1991

Dairy-free for good since summer 2008

Started IBS diet and probiotics at GI's recommendation - Fall 2008

Also avoiding: potatoes, beans, crucifers, popcorn, most red meat, coconut milk :(

Started eating a Paleo diet Spring 2011. Love it!

The grass is always greener where you water it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):

Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):


Wow.....

I'm certainly no subsitute for the real thing but I can at least give some feedback....

Lets leave the marriage out of it for now....

ok, so i feel really lost right now. i don't know what i'm doing w/ my life, where i'm going, where i WANT to be going. i feel as though my life has just been a waste the last couple of years. i'm not happy w/ myself, or my marriage. i haven't really gone anywhere careerwise. i've quit 2 jobs, and i'm a 3rd year freshman in college. i have been holding onto my full time job for 3 months now, but it's so exhausting and i hate my manager. don't really know why i'm doing it, other than it's just another motion i go through.

Yep life can suck....

Like someone once told me (even though I'm not religious at all it makes for a funny line)

How do you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans for your life.....

Life really is so random.... who you meet, where you meet them... some descision about going to college A vs College B sets off a whole chain reaction... you'd never have met XX if you hadn't taken that job... and that wouldn't have led to something else.

Instead of worrying about that because there's basically nothing you can do to predict it.. look at all the potential you have ahead of you... sure you have potential to make bad descisions BUT you also have potential to make good ones and potential to correct bad descisions....

I'm sure you already realise this ... but your depressed.... of course no big surprise... except what you gotta realise is its not your fault...

the only time i ever feel any desire is when i am asleep, i have a lot of really sexual dreams. what does that mean do you think? it's always with someone unattainable, like a celebrity or one of my married friend's husbands. i guess i'm just confused. what do i do, where do i go from here? how do i make things right? am i at the end of the road? am i too selfish, to immature, or just too lazy?

Well I'm not surprised.... and I think your answering your own questions.... so your smarter and more in control of this than you think.

Depression and loss of sexual desire are both the same thing.... indeed its probably more normal than abnormal with depression...

What do the dreams mean.... I'm sure Freud would find some deeper meaning... but I'll take the obvious over his rantings anytime...

The obvious is (IMHO) that when your not worrying and uptight and getting some well deserved rest from worry in your sleep your just perfectly normal. At some level you feel safe with the unnatainable... because its unattainable...

If you dreamed about your hubby then that wouldn't be unattainable and it would be threatening... especially considering he's lying right next to you.... so your defense mechanism provides you an escape mechanism for your sexual frustration without impinging on that "dangerous reality"....

how the hell do you make yourself fall back in love w/ someone? i want to, i really do. i just don't know how to go about doing it. i do care about him, a lot. he's my best friend, and he saved me when i was at rock bottom in my life. but i am not attracted to him, nor do i desire him.

Whoah.... hold on.. it sounds to me like you do love him... you just don't desire him sexually....

There are lots of way's of expressing love.... I love my mom and dad .... I care deeply about them and they care deeply about me...

When it boils down ... that is what love is.....

and then there's the issues i have w/ my family and my husband's family. that's a whole other topic, filled with frustration and resentment.

Hey.... they are not the ones being married..... same goes for the nay-sayers when you did get married...

I hope tarnalberry will post her intepretation here as well.... its always good to have a guy's view as well but she has posted some really good stuff on this sort of thing in the past....

IMHO firstly you have depression..... as a symptom of that you lack sexual desire but your dreams seem to indicate its more a concious block than a deep rooted physical problem although that doesn't mean your doctor can't give you something to help....

I would say you have developed a fear of the actual act.... and so you only think about it when its impossible...

So within this context I'd say its completely possible to love your husband but be actually afriad of thinking about sex because its available... hence your dreams of the unattainable....

Additionally it seems common knowledge that womens desrire tends to increase past 18 while mens decreases.

What I can tell you as a guy is that your lack of desire is extremely frustrating for him unless he happens to have a lack of desire as well. If he's not snapping and you have settled into being "room mates who just share a bed" then again I'd say its not surprising.... he probably has to deal with the issues this brings up for him as well....

Most importantly: Having been in this situation .... what I can say as a guy is we are extremely fragile... especially over getting "turned down".... when this was happening to me.... I went out of my way to be unromantic in many ways because I felt like anything I did do was just going to be knocked back at me... and us guys have very fragile ego's over this... (trust me we laugh it off and stuff but it makes us very insecure deep down inside)

What I'd ask you to do is imagine in 60 yrs time ... your walking down a beach together.... holding hands and just enjoying the moment.... imagine you have ahd a full and satisfying life together.... would you like your husband to be this guy?


Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. (JC, De Bello Gallico Liber III/XVIII)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry things are so tough.

As far as your marriage goes, stay with it. I got married young, too ... I was 21, hubby was 22. After the first couple years I was wondering why the heck I got married so young. I no longer felt the infatuation you feel when you're dating. The thing is, your relationship is supposed to change. If we were never infatuated with someone, we'd never take the time to make a life together.

Once you work through the tough spots, the marriage becomes even stronger. We've had times we've been totally "in love", we've had times where we aren't so in love. All I can say is that after 22 years of working it all out together, we have such a commitment to each other, such a deep love for each other, such a friendship that I can't imagine life without him.

As far as the sex .... it's natural to want the excitement of a new relationship. You say you aren't "in love" with your hubby ... but you say he's your best friend. You do love him, you just don't have sexual feelings right now. Have you had your thyroid checked? Don't dismiss your marriage because of this! The grass is not greener ... I have a divorced friend who just told me this ... it will be the same with another man -- in the beginning it will be exciting, but then as you "get used" to each other, it will be the same routine you are in now, but you won't have learned the commitment you will learn by making this work out.

What I suggest as far as the sex, be open to it. Tell him you are much, much slower at getting ready for it than he is and talk to him about how to help you catch up. It doesn't matter if you are wanting it when he's initiating it, it matters whether you let him bring you along or not. I can't tell you how much it will do for your love for him to do this for him, and his love for you because you do this for him. Once you get going, you will enjoy it, too. Just be open to it, stop turning him down. You will be SHOCKED at the change this will make in your marriage.

Maybe you are avoiding sex because you don't "feel pretty". Sexy is an attitude. Look at Queen Latifah! She's beautiful and sexy... she's not skinny and in shape! Go work out three days a week for a half hour, you will feel better .. if you feel better, you will look better. Go to Victoria's Secret and buy some sexy panties ... be sure hubby knows you have them on and watch the attention he gives you that day! ;) Be a tease (but you have to give in that night!!). He will love it. You will love having the attention he gave you when you were dating.

Trust me on this ... I've been where you are. Now I have a marriage that is so good friends ask what our secret is. I've just posted our secrets on the internet, so I guess they're not secrets anymore! :lol: Stop looking for the infatuation you once felt and settle in for the love you have for him. You DO love him.... you just aren't infatuated anymore. Trust me, being on the other side of the problem I can tell you that what we have NOW is MUCH better than what we had when we started out. Don't start over, it'll be the same next time around but you might not be able to say he's your best friend and was there for you when you needed him.

As far as your job ... life's too short to deal with a jerk for a boss.

As far as in-laws, be polite and talk about the weather.

As far as college, pick a major, stick with it, and GET DONE!

Your marriage is by far the most important issue you mentioned.


gluten-free 12/05

diagnosed with Lyme Disease 12/06

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Trust me, being on the other side of the problem I can tell you that what we have NOW is MUCH better than what we had when we started out. Don't start over, it'll be the same next time around but you might not be able to say he's your best friend and was there for you when you needed him.

Yep she's spot on.....

The ONLY difference it can make (as someone who is divorced) is you can learn what went wrong and apply it to the new guy...

However I can support what Carla is saying.... because basically if I had accepted what I now accept in my marriage then I'd probably be in Carla's position right now.... As it happens I'm very happy with my girlfriend BUT only because I'm not repeating the same mistakes as I did in my marriage.... with hindsight had I known then what I do now.... had my wife taken Carla's advice or gone to therapy BEFORE the divorce.... etc. etc.

Divorce is a horrid business..... EVERYONE looses except the lawyers.... (not dumping on our resident lawyers here)

But its basically impossible to do nicely.... I'm now talking with my ex again.... I don't regret because its pointless.. but I do think if you can work things out your a lot better off and if you don't and learn nothing chance is your going to repeat the same things and then when you finally DO learn them.... you'll look back and thing... what the heck...


Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. (JC, De Bello Gallico Liber III/XVIII)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thank you both for your quick replies. i've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself all morning, and i am feeling much better now.

gfp- yeah, my plans in life aren't very set in stone. all i know is i want to have a family, and i want to be happy. other than that i'm open for pretty much anything. i think i've got the career thing figured out, it's just a matter of getting through the school. i can be quite a worrywart sometimes.

yeah, i've been dealing w/ my depression for about 10 years now. i've been on and off several meds, finally in a place where i feel more in control. but i've just been bogged down by life a bit, and that's made me not want to keep my spirits up as much.

i attribute the loss of sexual desire to a combination of the depression, my psychological views of intimacy, and possibly a thyroid thing. last time i went to the dr, i had them do some blood work, and they said my thyroid was borderline to being low, and to come back in and test it in a couple of months. but now i don't have insurance, so i haven't done anything with that.

yeah i seem to put my sights on the unattainable. when we were dating, i got a big rush from the "chase".

i know i love him, i just am not "in love" w/ him the way i used to be. i guess i'm just frustrated b/c i don't really know how to find some middle ground where we can both be happy and satisfied w/ each other.

he is very frustrated by my loss of sexual desire. he tries to keep it inside, but it doesn't work so well long term, and we have little tiffs every week or so where he has to express his frustration, and i get to express my guilt...i know he's very sensitive to the issue. i want to make it right, i'm just not sure how to.

i'd love it to be him walking w/ me on the beach in 60 years!

thank you for sharing your point of view as a male. it helps to see things from the other side sometimes :D

carlaB- i was 19 he was 18 when we got married. thanks for your words of comfort. i have a hard time realizing that it's not always gonna be a certain way. we've worked through quite a few tough spots, and i think our friendship and communication skills are very strong. i just get frustrated and want to look for the "easy" out. even though i know it wouldn't be easier at all! in fact, i always picture myself if i were to get divorced, living w/ my mom and my cats, and i think of my neighbor who lives next door to her parents...she's 40. i don't want that. i want to be a wife, i want to be a mother. and i want it to be w/ him!

sexually, i have a hard time enjoying it. i don't know if its what we're doing, how we're doing it, or if there's some sort of block in my mind against it. or all of the above? part of the problem is that i've spent so much time doing it for him, not really focusing on me, and now i'm not sure what i like, or when i stopped enjoying it. we've talked about it, and he is very adamant that i don't just give in when he wants it. he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. but i don't. ever. this is where i'm stumped.

maybe i just need to focus on the sexy attitude. i do have a hard time w/ not thinking about my physical imperfections. lol i was a big tease when we were dating. i'll work on that one, along w/ the working out. that in itself has been such a struggle for me, and a sore spot between us the last couple of years. i've just let myself go, and not really made much effort to fix myself up again. Those are things i can start working on today. it's a nice day, good for a walk :D

oh i'm terrified of divorce. my parents just went through a brutal 2 year divorce. and i know in my heart that i wouldn't ever find anyone better. it would just be someone different, and there would just be different problems to deal w/....i think i'll stick w/ what i've got. i can make this work. what do you guys think? where is the best place to look for sex help? a therapist? books?....

again, thanks for all your advice. now i'm off to get in shape ;)


Sweetfudge

Born and raised in Portland, OR; Currently living in Provo, UT

Gluten-free since June 2006

Also living with Hypoglycemia since 1991

Dairy-free for good since summer 2008

Started IBS diet and probiotics at GI's recommendation - Fall 2008

Also avoiding: potatoes, beans, crucifers, popcorn, most red meat, coconut milk :(

Started eating a Paleo diet Spring 2011. Love it!

The grass is always greener where you water it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a saying that I've found to be completely true - There's a big difference between falling in love and being in love. You're in love. You're just not falling anymore. You've reached the foundation where a marriage is built - from the ground up.

My marriage has had it's ups and downs, and there have been times where I had no idea why I was even trying (I'm sure the same goes for my husband), but what Carla said it completely true. Somehow it's those hard times that make things stronger. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. I just know it's true.

There's a book that I can honestly say saved my marriage at least once. It's called The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. If you're open to that, you'd really benefit from it. There's also a companion book called The Power of a Praying Husband.

If you're not comfortable with religious stuff, I'd say Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus for BOTH of you to read. It really helps see things from the other gender's perspective.

Also remember that depression is greatly helped by exercise. Exercising just for that reason would be good for you.

Nancy


The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it.

~Chinese Proverb

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's okay to have sex for him right now. He needs it, men do whether they admit it or not. He does want you to enjoy it as much as he does, that is genuine. He wants you to share the pleasure you are giving him. You need to tell yourself it's okay to enjoy it -- you're married, he's the man you trust! It's okay to tell him what you like/don't like!

If you have psychological issues with it, maybe you need a sex therapist.

Truthfully, I enjoy it much more now that I did when I was younger ... so you have something to look forward to. Then again, I'm more of a tease now than I was then, too. :P

I'm sure there are things he does for you that he doesn't enjoy as much as you do.

Are you on the Pill? (You don't have to answer, the answer is for you). If so, you might consider getting off. It's a big killer of sexual desire.

Do you use salt? Iodine is important for thryoid, the salt helps, too. If you're borderline low, you're low and it can contribute to both your depression and your loss of desire. Salt is a cheap way. Google it, don't take some stranger on the internet's advice. ;)

You will be glad you made it work. And, enjoy the teasing. :rolleyes: Have you seen Take the Lead? There's a scene in there where the dance instructor dances the tango with a beautiful woman to show the students how wonderful ballroom dancing is. It shows how much men enjoy being teased/wanted ... and on the flip-side the teacher mentions that dancing like that will drive your man to distraction. Ultimately, that's what's so fun about dating! You can bring that distraction into your marriage.

I hope you enjoyed your walk.


gluten-free 12/05

diagnosed with Lyme Disease 12/06

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey.... I'm really glad you took it like that and its made you feel better about yourself....

Honestly, I think Carla is spot on... I just didn't say it quite the same cos... well perhaps its better from another girl ? or I thought it might take a couple of steps to get there...

If you're not comfortable with religious stuff, I'd say Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus for BOTH of you to read. It really helps see things from the other gender's perspective.

Yep, the book definately has some good stuff.... I don't actually agree with it all but well a) I'm weird so perhaps I'm just not typical (noone ever accused me of being normal) but B) It honestly doesn't matter.... what it does is show you how your partner may feel... and this in itself is beneficial.... just realising that those differences do exist....

I actually did see another book once... which I thought was actually better but I can't for the life of me remember what it was called, just it was actually quite old.... (like 80's or so) ... but once again ... I think the most useful thing about either was they actually get you thinking how your partner could feel.

Also remember that depression is greatly helped by exercise. Exercising just for that reason would be good for you.

Very good point and I forgot to mention... I think its one of lifes little ironies that when we are feeling down the thing that is FREE and actually benefits us directly can just seem like so much effort...

i'd love it to be him walking w/ me on the beach in 60 years!

I honestly think you just answered your own question by that :D

yeah, my plans in life aren't very set in stone. all i know is i want to have a family, and i want to be happy. other than that i'm open for pretty much anything. i think i've got the career thing figured out, it's just a matter of getting through the school. i can be quite a worrywart sometimes.

Put those two together..... so we know where you want to be in 60 yrs :D you know where you are now.... and I think everything in the middle can be dealt with bit by bit....

What I have realised for myself is I can be a real worrywart too.

One huge difference for me is getting glutened.... I'm not sure where one triggers the other exactly but I got glutened 2 nights ago... and i spent that night worrying about just about everything for retirement to seriously who knows what...

When I did get to sleep.... I had the weirdest dreams.... I dreamt we got a kitten that was going to be killed if we didn't adopt it and then the poor thing escaped and got hit by a car....? Then I had another series of strange and upsetting dreams inbetween the times I was alternating hot/cold and running forwards and backwards to the loo.

Tried reading but had nothing in English.... and when Im tired and glutened French is a huge effort.... worried some more about stupid stuff and finally managed to get to sleep about 7AM.... (not to mention worrying about falling asleep and not waking up to check out of the hotel...getting the hire car back and ...... )

Anyway.. you know what ... non of any of it was actually important, I just woried myself into thinking it was.... worse possible case I pay an extra room on the hotel... the car didn't need to be back till 3PM.... I don't have a cat... and aliens were not invading... and even if they were worrying about it isn't going to make a blind bit of difference!

i've been on and off several medsquite a few of these can actually make the sexual desire thing worse for quite a time after you stop taking them...something you can see your doctor about...

i know i love him, i just am not "in love" w/ him the way i used to be. i guess i'm just frustrated b/c i don't really know how to find some middle ground where we can both be happy and satisfied w/ each other. Hey I think Nanzie answered that one :D

You're just not falling anymore.

I think a lot of this is thrust upon us.... think about it noone ever writes books about the happily married couple... loads of Barbara Cartland stuff gets written about what we are meant to expect... and Romance movies and the like but hey happy couples don't make for a funny show or whatever....

I think lots of us waste what could be happy times just worrying why its not like in the movies.... of course we know movies are just movies... but all the same.

he is very frustrated by my loss of sexual desire. he tries to keep it inside, but it doesn't work so well long term, and we have little tiffs every week or so where he has to express his frustration, and i get to express my guilt...i know he's very sensitive to the issue.

Really its normal.... that what we guys do.... I'd be pretty shocked if you said otherwise.... indeed the fact he is doing this is in a weird way because he loves you so much.... be wary of the guy who isn't getting any and doesn't seem bothered....

This is how us guys judge how much you gals love us.... yeah.. I know its shallow... but its all about our self exteem which is so fragile and here is the key for i want to make it right, i'm just not sure how to.

We need attention like little puppies... we need telling how strong/protective/sexy we are.... even if that's not what's exactly going through your head :D I'm not suggesting you lie.... just make a big fuss over the things you can....amd minimise the rest.

sexually, i have a hard time enjoying it. i don't know if its what we're doing, how we're doing it, or if there's some sort of block in my mind against it. or all of the above? part of the problem is that i've spent so much time doing it for him, not really focusing on me, and now i'm not sure what i like, or when i stopped enjoying it. we've talked about it, and he is very adamant that i don't just give in when he wants it. he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. but i don't. ever. this is where i'm stumped.

Hey thats a lot of stuff.... assuming your OK being lectured by a guy ... I'll continue....

Look it doesn't matter.... your not both going to feel like it all the time at the same time.... but what Carla says is really true...

(I feel like someones going to attack me saying this as a guy... but whatever....) Carla's first post said you just gotta stop yourself not going along .... actually she said it so well I'll just repeat it...

What I suggest as far as the sex, be open to it. Tell him you are much, much slower at getting ready for it than he is and talk to him about how to help you catch up. It doesn't matter if you are wanting it when he's initiating it, it matters whether you let him bring you along or not. I can't tell you how much it will do for your love for him to do this for him, and his love for you because you do this for him. Once you get going, you will enjoy it, too. Just be open to it, stop turning him down. You will be SHOCKED at the change this will make in your marriage.

Lets just be practical for a moment.... if your going to have kids its going to involve sex.... you know.. its the way it works... <_<

i want to be a wife, i want to be a mother. and i want it to be w/ him!

You can either make this enjoyable or not.... lets face it .. why choose not?

I think you are just scared of getting started and then getting icky....

I don't want to trivialise the whole thing but its like riding a bike or roller blading.... Im not very good at roller blading and only do it a few times a year... so each time I start again I'm back looking like its my firs time... I watch some of the people swooshing down hills and doing incredible stuff and I think WOW.... how can they do that....

You know what the only difference is... PRACTICE.... when you start off you get a lot of bumps and grazes... everyone does... and so did they.. they just picked themselves up and tried again.. and again.

Skiing however is a different matter.... even when Ive taken a break of 5 yrs (ex didn't much care for it) I'm totally comfortable after about 5 secs.... I don't have to go back to green runs and bunny hills... Im stright for a double black... or off piste and by the time I'm up the lift I'm ready....

Why? Because I got so good at skiing I don't even really need to think about it....

The reason I mention it is because if I was just naturally crap at rollerblading I wouldn't possibly be such a good skier... the skills are practically all the same...

So I know I have potential that if I wanted i could be a great roller blader.... if my girlfriend was more into it I'd make an effort but she's not so I don't....

Sex isn't really much different... honest....

First time I ever put ski's on (I was 18-19) I thought it was freakin impossible! First time I went up a chair lift and came down a bunny run I was TERRIFIED...

So I had to push myself ... I was a poor student just paid out for a week of hell.... and I couldn't afford not to try...

But you know what.... its not scary.... the scariest thing is just fear of it being scary... and once you get the hang of it and start concentrating on enjoying it instead of being terrified you suddenly forget to be terrified...

... and that's just it.... its like a magic wand... all of a sudden your concentrating on enjoying the experience not on making yourself scared of it...

The only thing is you gotta go through that scary part.... because from where you are its the only way down.... dragging the skiing analogy to its limit here.... (groan) but your up.. your commited and you know you just gotta somehow ski down...

Feel free to subsitute your own choice here.... it could be riding a bike or horseback riding ... lots of things start out scary then become fun once you practice...

i do have a hard time w/ not thinking about my physical imperfections. Oh come on.... is that a picture of you two...? I can see me slipping back into my ski analogy.... erm Must be my boots don't fit right... or my smashed up ankle or knee... it doesn't matter.... I know this sounds all too easy.... but you just need to concentrate on enjoying yourself and pleasing your hubby... nature has equiped us wonderfully so we don't need to worry about the actual act....it just forgot if we start thinking about it too much that that would get in the way.... concentrate on pleasing him and helping him please you....

Another way to look at it is lookig at mans closest relatives... the actual closest is the bononbo and the next closest the chimpanzee. People who study them tend to classify most of the differences based onthe different sexual behavior between bonobo and chimps.... which put succinctly is chimps use agression to get sex....whereas

The species is best characterized as female-centered and egalitarian and as one that substitutes sex for aggression. Whereas in most other species (chimps) sexual behavior is a fairly distinct category, in the bonobo it is part and parcel of social relations

So basically just look to mans closest living relative.... either way... sex is pretty much here to stay.... and its going to either be something negative or positive.... lol i was a big tease when we were dating. i'll work on that one, along w/ the working out.

Look back to the chimps and bonobo... You can either use sex to get what you want or let it come between you and be an issue.

I realise this may FEEL dishonest..... like your being manipulative.... that's cos your a girl.... I feel the same way about buying flowers... just doesn't make any sense to me.... BUT I now realise it doesn't have to.... All it needs to do is make my girlfriend feel wanted and loved.... at your ages I would have felt like a fraud....like buying flowers is just some cheap scam.... (you'd probably not understand that but you don't have to its a guy thing)...

oh i'm terrified of divorce. my parents just went through a brutal 2 year divorce. Are these the same parents told you that your marriage wouldn't work....??? Doesn't sound like they are experts :D but perhaps they were projecting their own problems on to you?

i can make this work. what do you guys think? where is the best place to look for sex help? a therapist? books?....

I don't think there's a single best answer for anyone and everyone is different....

I think Carla gave you some wonderful advice.... I just feel awkward as a guy saying just go for it and learn to enjoy it...

But you already said the most important things.... you do love him, you'd like hiom to be that guy on the beach in 60 yrs and I can make this work...

Where can I start.... or more accurately where can you start....

If you feel something in your upbringing is giving you a guilt complex that's one thing... with my ex-wife it was because she was basically out with a guy the night her mother died (after a long struggle with cancer).... of course she didn't share this until AFTER the divorce and until her shrink explained to her that her mother probably passed away when she wasn't around deliberatly .... so in this case it might have helped our sex life significantly NOT to have a photo of her mom next to the bed....

However this is really just where it started.... the real problem was really that the longer it went on the bigger the problem became and the scarier it seemed....

One thing I noticed was when sex was impossible my ex could be quite flirty... but the more realisable it became the more she would pull away.... perhaps I'm reading too much into your dreams but this does seem to be at least partly applicible for you too... the whole when its unattainable thing...

If you find the whole subject embarassing ... along the lines of watching TV with your parents and suddenly Mr Elephant jumps on Mrs Elephant and the voice says "The male bull mounts the cow from behind" and all of a sudden its like noone knows where to look .... you just have to get over it.... therapy might help but practice will probably work too. (Its also a lot cheaper)...

If your inhibitions are religion based then books like Nantzie suggests might be the best.... etc.

But at the end of the day.... it basically comes down to you accepting you CAN enjoy sex and there's certainly nothing wrong with a married couple doing it....

I know it sounds easier said than done.... but I honestly think what Carla said is probably just as effective but perhaps you need that little jump start to get you over whatever started this feeling....

if you feel better, you will look better. Go to Victoria's Secret and buy some sexy panties ... be sure hubby knows you have them on and watch the attention he gives you that day! wink.gif Be a tease (but you have to give in that night!!). He will love it. You will love having the attention he gave you when you were dating.

Meanwhile send him off to choose some massage oils and nice bubble bath.... You'll be surprised not only how much effort he'll put into it but that he actually appreciates it AND you will feel like your getting the attention you did when you were dating....

In my experience women feel far sexier when they are being made a fuss of..... BUT guys react badly to making advances and being turned away..... like I said we all play being tough and it doesn't bother us but it really does and that starts off the whole chain of resentment...

The big problem is the longer it goes the worse it gets.... and the harder it is to turn it around....

He will totally avoid making a fuss or giving compliments because experience tells him it will just get knocked back and damage his ego... you feel less and less like sex cos your not getting compliments and being made a fuss of....

So its a viscous circle .... and one way or another your going to have to break it....because its certainly not worth ruining your marriage over.

One thing might work is basically setting aside some time... from your post you have a pretty hectic schedule and being depressed on top.... its hardly surprising you have a few probs.... the pair of you are only human....

Also you need to talk to him and let him know HIS JOB....

and he is very adamant that i don't just give in when he wants it. he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. but i don't. ever. this is where i'm stumped.

See, that his job..... it takes you longer to get aroused and your depressed to start off with.... the chance of you both being aroused at the same time will get less and less.... while your in the catch-22... So its his job to get you aroused.... and that includes flowers, buying a present, chocolates, making you a romantic dinner ... it doesn't just start when you go to bed....

Without getting explicit... you can guide him to do what pleases you.... but not only that he'll love doing it for you... he just has to get over the idea that its meant to all just magically happen and that your going to be always up and ready without any work... and at the same time like Carla said

Be a tease (but you have to give in that night!!)

If you start feeling icky or terrified about the whole thing then just go for it and work on the next time.... and slowly but surely the pair of you will get better BUT you will probably go through similar patches.. maybe in a year, maybe 10... just be awate its normal and you beat it once and can do again.... just like many others have :D


Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. (JC, De Bello Gallico Liber III/XVIII)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope you are feeling better this evening!

My sister once told me (actually in her toast at my wedding) - the secret to a happy marriage is choosing to love that person every day - and some days it will be easier to make that choice than others.

I find even a 10-15 minute walk will make me feel better and like I'm taking steps to improve my health. Even 10-15 minutes of cleaning up clutter and straigtening up - even 10 - 15 minutes of stretching on the living room floor - not even specific exercises - just stretches that feel good and release some stress I feel that day.

Wow, now that I see it that way if I took 30 - 45 min a day and did all three, I'd probably feel pretty great!

Having a job you are unhappy with is awful! I can relate - I used to have a coworker that made every day difficult -- wonder if there's a more pleasant job with insurance coverage that you could come across (and kill two birds with one stone!)

I don't have great words of wisdom - just wanted you to know that someone else is reading and thinking about you!!!!

Good luck!


Amy

Gluten Free since 4/05 - adult onset

Symptoms for 4+ years prior

Immediate family tests negative

No Known family members w/ celiac disease

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites