Holidays and eating at other people's homes

[Golden]

This is my first Holiday season eating gluten-free.  I managed Thanksgiving well since I hosted at my house.

My husband and I are invited to a Christmas brunch. It will be small and only 6 people and the host will cook all the food.  We have eaten at their home before prior to me eating gluten-free. There will be lots of breads, and such. I do not know what is on her menu for this event.  This is a couple that we do not know well and I'm wondering what is the best way to handle the brunch.  Do I bring some food to eat for myself or eat ahead of time?  There may be a few items I can eat, but I will not know until I get there.  I don't want to let the host know in advance that I'm gluten-free because I do not want her to feel that she has to change anything on her menu just for me. I am asymptomatic so I would not know if I ate gluten accidentally.  Please share what you have done in situations like this. Thank you!

[kareng]

Sounds like eating ahead might be the thing to do.  Then explain to everyone why you aren’t eating.  If she has some plain fruit or something- that might work.  In a bigger gathering, I would eat ahead but most people wouldn’t notice I was only eating the fruit and drinking the mimosas.  

[Ennis-TX]

Options I have seen and done
Inquire to the menu and inform them you have celiac or food allergies and will bring your own. Enjoy the social aspect but make and bring your own version for yourself so it seems like your fitting in.

Eat before hand and just socialize is another option or just enjoy fruit and drinks. Do be careful of pre-cut fruit where a CCed knife might be invoked and what is in the drinks.

Ask to bring your own dish and bring a safe fritta/quiche, breakfast casserole, or baked goods to share and fruit dish potluck style, then enjoy the stuff that is safe and your brought.

Inform them of the celiac and come help prepare a safe meal/side with supervision of prep and vetting of ingredients...this works well with people you know and family sometimes.

>.< My first year I just took meal bars, and my own baked goods everywhere, learned quickly and became paranoid about trusting others with my food.

[Golden]

These are all good ideas. If it were a larger crowd it wouldn't be as noticeable.  I most likely will just bring a meal bar and then hopefully she will have some fruit.  Have you all experienced that the Hostess will feel bad that you can't eat what has been prepared?

[Ennis-TX]

Yep...heck I feel bad when I learn someone can not eat my food due to nut allergies etc. But simple fact it is a medical condition and out of your hands and not a choice. Let them know you appreciate the effort and compliment the presentation/smell etc and wish you could enjoy it but alas you have Celiac/Food Allergies and not risk eating something that is not prepared in a dedicated kitchen by trained staff or you yourself make.

[kareng]

1 hour ago, Golden said:

These are all good ideas. If it were a larger crowd it wouldn't be as noticeable.  I most likely will just bring a meal bar and then hopefully she will have some fruit.  Have you all experienced that the Hostess will feel bad that you can't eat what has been prepared?

Yes but I understand not telling her ahead.  I wouldn’t want her making some gluten-free muffins but having no idea about cc or that something isn’t really gluten-free.  Then she would be mad I didn’t eat them.  Some people I just tell them not to make stuff and I will bring my own or bring a dish to share.  It just depends on the people.  
 

if it feels too daunting, or too much trouble, or I know my eating issues will not be well received - I might just have to decline.  

[Golden]

I agree it depends on the people.  I do not know these people very well and will be a little uncomfortable and awkward.  She makes a ton of food.

[ravenwoodglass]

You could make yourself something yummy and bring it in a covered microwave container. That way you won't feel deprived and the other folks won't feel guilty for eating in front of you. I hope you go and have a great time.

[Golden]

2 minutes ago, ravenwoodglass said:

You could make yourself something yummy and bring it in a covered microwave container. That way you won't feel deprived and the other folks won't feel guilty for eating in front of you. I hope you go and have a great time.

A great idea!

[cyclinglady]

Here is where your true friends are identified.  They either accept you and your new way of eating and are supportive.  If not, they are not really friends.  

Most of my friends get it after I have explained celiac disease comparing it to lupus or MS.   They are accustomed to eating at my house.  They bring wine, drinks, or dessert (like clearly labeled gluten-free Breyer’s ice cream and fruit.  When I go to their homes, they know I will bring a gluten-free dish to share and some extra food for me and hubby.  Maybe it is because I live in California and  just about anything goes here!  ?

I have also initiated outings that do not include so much food.  Like hiking, theatre, game nights, etc.

[Golden]

18 minutes ago, cyclinglady said:

Here is where your true friends are identified.  They either accept you and your new way of eating and are supportive.  If not, they are not really friends.  

Most of my friends get it after I have explained celiac disease comparing it to lupus or MS.   They are accustomed to eating at my house.  They bring wine, drinks, or dessert (like clearly labeled gluten-free Breyer’s ice cream and fruit.  When I go to their homes, they know I will bring a gluten-free dish to share and some extra food for me and hubby.  Maybe it is because I live in California and  just about anything goes here!  ?

I have also initiated outings that do not include so much food.  Like hiking, theatre, game nights, etc.

Yes, I agree with you about friends..no issues with my true friends.  These people are more acquaintances. 

[Ranchers Wife]

This is a hard one...because in my experience, yes, absolutely the host/hostess will feel bad. And then try to find something for you. And sometimes, pressure you to eat something that they think is ok as per your explanation...but is not ok as it will be likely cross contaminated.

I just will not risk being given something prepared in someone else's kitchen. Not worth it.

Some of my exceptions are: a banana or orange (unpeeled), or a whole apple that I can wash in the sink. Babybel cheeses, the ones in their own wax wrapper, or string cheese, assuming you can have dairy. Or a wrapped, labeled gluten free Kind bar or similar.

One thing I tell the host/hostess, if I do say something to them, is that one of the worst parts of this Celiac autoimmune deal is that you have to be so, so super careful and as such you can't accept the hospitality, the loving gift when others prepare food for you. That helps with most people. Or that a 'mistake' isn't just a bellyache for a day or two, but an autoimmune mess in your body for six or eight weeks.

Some host/hostesses will not ever really understand, even if they ask you to explain, and you try. You'll have to let that one go.

Having a drink (even if it's soda water plain), and 'no thanks, I already ate' is pretty low profile such that most folks won't notice at a social gathering.

 

Anymore, I go to some social gatherings/dinners where I know I'll be ok, and decline some others where I don't want to bother or I think I'll be pressured or ostracized. But a smile, and a no, thanks, I'm fine works about anywhere, if you can summon the smile.

[Golden]

Thank you Ranchers Wife.  Since I'm asymptomatic, I would not know if I had gluten. I cannot imagine having to worry about getting sick from cross-contamination. 

[Awol cast iron stomach]

We mostly do our own immediate family thing for holiday meals.

Christmas time is different. My spouse's family know I prefer to go before dinner, while most are having appetizers and drinks. They have learned to flip their night for us. I never asked them to. They even reminded me of the time as they want us to stop by this year. They are tolerant to my issues as they have family members with serious allergies that require epi pens. My food requirements are too much to add to the mix they already have.  The little kiddos enjoy it, because often times gifts are opened earlier, before dinner, as the celiac cuts out at dinner time. 

Edit: Turns out my spouse's family has some scheduling changes. It will be quiet Christmas for our immediate family at home this year.

My particular family of origin I drop gifts off and see my parents before the actual day. My family often has people who have to work holidays due to particular professions. My one sibling often hosts and has a joint dinner with spouses' Italian side which in the past the cooking has triggered symptoms for me.   I now know these symptoms to be ones that fall under my Dysautonomia issues, (Dysautonomia  can be triggered by smells , heat ,  light etc environmental imbalances my ans can't react/switch/maintain homeostasis as it should) ,but none the less I feel as awful. As many celiac symptoms are shared/similar and at times in life both get triggered at same time. I know this disappoints my father the most which I do feel regretful for, but I remind him it is due to my health.

The year my nephew boiled cinnamon toast crunch for a special martini for Nana set me back days. I got brain fog, nausea, and migraines for days and that was stepping out for fresh air asap as my brain fog told me I had to get get out. The dysautonomia once triggered can start a downward cycle that can last way past the initial trigger, as it can seem to start a cumulative downward cycle of ans dysfunction.

Other times of the year, friends come to me or often times we go to their place we bring our own drinks, and appetizers. We keep it simple and make it more about the talking then food. I also try to encourage non food base gatherings.

Best wishes and Happy Holidays 

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by Awol cast iron stomach
Added note

[Ennis-TX]

Well this year for Christmas we are doing something different, past I always hosted..and well some family issues meant my family generally either skipped or came a few days later to eat.

This year my parents are finally having Christmas dinner on Christmas day with some other members (Emotional times with family deaths meant the last 5 years there has been no Christmas day gatherings.)

I am bringing a Carver Ham, Rolls, Cauliflower Mash, and Desserts (cake, cookies), while my mother is fixing scalloped potatoes (for others coming), pan roasted vegetables,  and green beans.
I am only eating what I bring and know is safe,

[Rob S.]

Cycling Lady is dead on: You find out who really cares about you and who cares about appearances.

I have a one-on-one discussion about them about celiac, how it affects me and the long term risks. If, after such a discussion, a friend" of mine can't accept the limitations on my diet, I think twice about how much of a friend they are since they don't really care about my well being.

You have to get over feeling selfish. It is hard and can be awkward depending on the reaction you get. However, you do not have a choice.

[Courtney33]

Problem is, they will say it's gluten free because they didn't put flour in it. I've just picked salad with no dressing, cheese, raw veggies, butter, all safe stuff.