So Depressed

[Yenni]

I am so depressed. I feel I have struggled with disease for so long, along with a bad childhood. I am going to a counselor and it is great, but now we have money issues so I have to wait a while.

I have moved across the world to live in my husbands country. We live with his family because of financial difficulties, a lot of bad luck and me being sick. We have lived with them for three years now. I hate it. He doesn't like it much either.

His family has like no understanding at all of this Celiac thing. They think I should just pull myself together. I don

[Ursa Major]

Jenny, I am so sorry things are so hard for you. It almost sounds like they're going out of their way to make life difficult for you.

It is your husband who needs to talk to his family and deal with them. They will never listen to you. He is married to you, and needs to be on your side, not his mom's. He needs to eat with you, rather than with them, so they understand that he won't put up with the way they treat you any more.

He needs to explain to them about celiac disease, and what the consequences of getting glutened are for you.

And most of all, you two need to somehow manage to move out. Even if you end up just renting a room elsewhere. You simply can't keep living with his family, it is going to destroy your marriage in the end.

Explain to your husband how you feel, and tell him that you need to move out. And that you would prefer to move out together, but if he won't come, you'll be going by yourself (at least that is what I think you ought to do, but don't know if you would have the courage).

He needs to understand that you are being ABUSED by his family, and that he is not helping but making things worse.

I hope you can work it out. You can't keep living like this.

[aikiducky]

Jenny, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.

I agree with Ursula that the key here is your husband. He's married to you, and even though it's understandable that it's easy for him to just go along with his family - that's what he grew up with after all - his first loyalty now should be to you, and not them. He should be setting an example of how important it is to keep you safe from gluten.

I do hope you find some solution. Remember, we're all here on your side!

Pauliina

[missy'smom]

Ursula said it well. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions when our mental and physical health is at stake. Without going into detail, let's just say that I understand some of what you are going through. I am also in a cross-cultural marriage. Fortunately, my husband's family is very good to me but if they were not, he would conduct himself very much like your husband. My husband is a good man but there are cultural differences at work.

Is it possible that your husband can present the information, as Ursula suggests, in print, in their language or if their language is English, then from a source within their country, so that it is more believeble to them and they don't get hung up on any cultural bias they have against the U.S. or you. It may or may not change their interaction with you but it would leave them educated and the burden of responsibility on them.

We'll be here for you.

Luv and Hugs and a shoulder to cry on. Wish I could offer a real one and not a cyber one.

[jesscarmel]

Hi Jenny

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. it sounds like they are being so awful to you. i cant even imagine how you must feel. i think getting your husband involved in this is a good idea. maybe you need to have a big meeting all of you. we are here for you!!!

Jess

[jerseyangel]

Hi Jenny,

I have to say my heart broke for you as I read your post. I'm glad that at least you can come here and vent a bit. I'll bet it felt good to just get it off your chest.

I don't see how anything will change as far as the family is concerned. Even if your husband does talk to them. People get prettty set in their ways.

The best thing would be if you and your husband could possibly move out into a place of your own. Even a tiny place, that would be safe for you, is better than what you are dealing with at home now. It must be exhausting for you to avoid all of that gluten with no help or understanding from anyone.

I'm so sorry that your in-laws and the rest of them are being the way they are. I just don't know--sometimes people are afraid of what they don't understand. Whatever it is, they are being unreasonable and cruel, in my opinion.

[Yenni]

Thank you everyone. Yes, it felt good to get it off my chest. I do not count in my husband to "the family". He is good to me and I know he is on my side. He has tried talking to the others some, but it doesn't do anything. It's like they just don't get it or mostly have no interest it seems. He has 3 siblings and they are all pretty stuck with "what I say is right" (especially the sister).

We so want to move out. We are waiting for my husbands next raise in May. We need it to be able to afford a place. We know it will be tiny, but it doesn't matter. It is just so hard to wait.

It has always been a little hard to live in the house, with the gluten intolerance it has turned into a complete night mare. Part of me hates them by now. I plan to stay away after we have moved out and lets just say my husband is very dissapointed in them. Very.

I have noticed that my husband and his 3 siblings are a little affraid of talking to their parents. They keep things away from them. They are always the last to find out new things in their lives. At least with my husband and his 2 brothers it is that way. I think it is super hard for my husband to talk to them. And the fact that they are very set in their ways (I mean you wouldn't believe it if I told you what his mother does sometimes). My husband also gets bad stuff happening to him because of his mother.

I know we need to get out. We should have long time ago. Life hasn't let us.

It is a good idea to have my husband eat with me. I am gonna try to make that happen. I agree that it is bad that he doesn't eat with me. Things just kinda turned into what is going on now. I do feel abused. I feel they are breaking me down. I am strong, so they will never break me, but it is a night mare. They are stupid people.

I love my husband more than anything else and he is good to me. I wish he would stand up more to his parents though, but looking at how this family works, well I can see how it is hard. It seems even if he has sometimes they just keep on in their old ways. This family is very afraid of conflicts and they do not talk to each other about much personal stuff at all.

My husband knows how I feel. I can talk to him about everything so he knows. I guess he should, like you guys said, stand up more to his parents. I know that this all has made him step away from his family some. He does not take part of things in it like he used to. And I know he is depressed like me, just not struggeling with a disease on top of things.

I hate just having to endure, wait, "take it".. Some days it is soooo hard. yesterday it was one of those days. They had a food part again and I felt left out more than ever.

I often ask my husband (not expecting a reply) how things ended up this way. How did things get so bad. We see others live their lives and have some bad luck and hardship, but not in a long row like us. It is weird.

It can always be worse of course. We have no deadly diseases or starv.

Thanks for listening.

[kbtoyssni]

That is a horrible situation. I agree that moving out is probably the only thing that will keep you safe. Having your husband eat with you is an excellent idea. The two of you need to put up a united front. If your husband is willing, it would be great if he treated gluten the same way as you - as poison. So he doesn't eat it at home either and is just as diligent as you about CC and mentioning that the rest of the family can't use oat soap, etc. Maybe the two of you could do a separate meal time. There's nothing that says you have to eat with the rest of the family so you could scrub the kitchen after everyone else eats and then make your food together. I'm assuming you have your own room - you could put a mini-fridge in it so you can keep your leftovers in there to eliminate CC (with a giant lock on it!). You could even keep your own set of pans in your room if you are concerned about CC there, too. Good luck.

[Yenni]

We ended up getting our own micro wave oven and our own fridge. I don' think I would have managed without them. I also got my own pans and stuff that I keep upstairs where we live.

I have talked to my husband about us eating together and we did some of the days during the week.

Today was my birthday and my MIL actually took out her best china and washed it especially for me and us all. My husband made dinner and I ate the exact same thing as them for the first time since last spring. It meant a lot to me.

Yeah, it is very, very hard living this way. We hope to be able to move out this summer. My husband is getting raises in May that we need to be able to afford it.

[TinkerbellSwt]

Jenny

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I dont live with my in laws and it is no where near what you are suffering too, but I also have a lot of animosity towards my MIL. She is convinced Colin, my son, doesnt have celiac, which we dont know yet, that he is malnourished b/c I wont let him eat Wonder bread. That my son is an unhappy, miserable child.

She just wants to not have to worry about feeding Colin. She wants to give him what she wants to feed him. ummmm, what about me? I still, no matter what, have to eat gluten free, but she thinks her life will be easier if Colin can eat "normally"

Like I said, nothing compared to you.. I really feel for you. I want to wish you the best and I hope you will be able to find your own place soon.. its such a shame some people are like that.

[Yenni]

It is scary how easy it is for some people to just think of themselves. I hope it turns out ok with your son. Hopefully she will end up giving up and do what is best for you and your son. Good luck!

[AlexL]

Well, it's been a couple of years and I hope things have gotten better for you!!

I do know how you feel. My ex-boyfriends family didn't understand either. They were Jewish and every time we went out to eat, I would only be able to find maybe one or two things on the menu I could have (usually a salad). They would all order different plates and expect us all to share, including my salad!!! I couldn't eat any of their stuff. So by the time everyone helped themselves to my salad and eachother's plates, they all had a full plate of food and I would have a couple small bites left. They left full and happy and I would have to stop somewhere else to get something I could eat or go home and pig out on Gluten-free foods. My boyfriend was an idiot and never even noticed!! I finally had to explain the situation and asked him to speak to them (we dated and lived together for 5 years). He did so, but it didn't really help much. They still expected me to share. I finally had to stand up for myself and tell them "no, this is all for me; you guys will have to order a separate one if you want to share it." I said it nicely, but I could tell they still resented it.

When we ate at their house, they never made gluten-free food. For my birthday, they had a small dinner party and ordered pizza's!!!! (Cause that was easy and "everyone likes pizza."). I fixed that after that event, by taking my own food to all of their eating get togethers. Their friends would look at me funny; I would just explain that I have severe food allergies and can only eat certain things. They were then fine.

So there are ways to get around it all. I know it is much more difficult if you are living in someone else's house... you don't want to offend when they are showing you hospitality by letting you stay there. It is up to you to take care of yourself though and not let it get you down or blame their inconsiderate behavior as your reason for being depressed. You are in control of it.

[dilettantesteph]

What a horrible situation. I couldn't even finish reading it. I would live in a tent in the woods rather than live there. I would find the cheapest place you can and get out of there. Anything would be better than that. How are you supposed to get healthy like that?